Being friends with your ex: when feelings might still be there...

  • theguyintown

    Posts: 19

    Jul 25, 2012 2:19 AM GMT
    On paper, it doesn't sound as though it should be this hard - and I'm sure many, many of us are good friends with our exes, but what about potentially lingering feelings? I really wouldn't be posting this topic if I knew what to do with my situation, but, alas, I don't.

    Me and my ex broke up six months ago, after dating for only 2-3 months. At the time, he said he "wasn't ready for a relationship", but claimed he would like to stay friends.

    His elaboration was that he had too much from his past to deal with and could not commit to a relationship. He is undergoing therapy to deal with much of those issues so wanted to have time to clear it all up. I read it as though he didn't want to date me, but agreed to stay friends. Partly because, at the time, that arrangement sounded as though it would be a good chance to keep seeing him.

    Six months later - we are still friends. Throughout these six months we hung out a few times and we still talk (mostly via text) every week - give or take.

    Both of us are still single. I tried dating a couple of other guys, but nothing came of it.

    Me and my ex talk about pretty much everything but our dating situation. I don't want to ask him, and he has never asked me. All we know is that the other is single.

    Now, this would be fine if I wasn't falling back into the trap of missing him. Case in point: Last week, before he left for holiday, we agreed to meet up this week and I told him to get in touch with me when he gets back. He got back earlier today and I am finding myself checking my phone and waiting for him to contact me.

    I know, that's insane. And I shouldn't be doing this. Not to me, not to him. He doesn't owe me anything. And yet I miss him and want him to get in touch. It obviously sounds as though I am in this for the wrong reasons, but I really need/want to see him. We get along very well - we laugh, and there is general pleasantness when we communicate. I like that, and I don't want to lose it. I should say we hang out much less than regular good friends do.

    I understand that the gut reaction would be to let him go - I need distance and separation to move on. But we are both sort of making this "friendship" go. Sometimes he texts me, sometimes I text him. Sometimes he intiates, sometimes I do.

    I don't know I want to cut it off with him - that would mean losing a good, special person in my life, and yet I also don't have the balls to confront him and ask him what the deal is.

    As I said, we've never spoken about anything to do with our love lives - including us - since the breakup. I don't have the balls to approach this topic and yet to me it seems strange that we have kept that subject entirely silent.

    Where to go? There must be something more constructive than just "forget about him and move on."



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 25, 2012 3:24 AM GMT
    OMG!!..You are so trapped !!.
    This guy isn't "really" letting go..and letting go is not on your list of things to do.!!
    You are still so infatuated with every detail regarding this dude..and let me tell you how i know you are in a really, really, unhealthy place!!

    He Dumped You !!..Hello???
    How are you not throwing grenades right now??
    2-3 months is "pussy" time to get a relationship situated!!

    Don't you realize you are barking up the wrong tree???
    Please stop doing this to yourself...!!
    You are blindly,head over heals infatuated with the guy that Smashed your heart for a crappy reason!!

    People usually figure out if they want relationships before they dive in..!!
    Now with the part that might get you pissed at me..answer these questions honestly..!!

    "Are You Obsessive??".."Clingly?".."Compulsive?"
    Your words.."I understand that the gut reaction would be to let him go"

    Yes you have to let him go !!.. "He Dumped you"

    And any man that dumps you and can't give you a good reason..is not a man...!!

    And you..YOU!.!!.How could you let some ASSBAG treat you like that and still make yourself so available to him!!..

    Rid yourself of this guy!!
    You love him waaaaaaaaaayyy too much to the point where it's unhealthy!!

    Hugz
    (BTW..i've been in your Exact position)


  • ggst82

    Posts: 83

    Jul 25, 2012 9:39 AM GMT
    I agree. For a second I thought one of my friends created a profile and was posting this to weird me out! Let me tell you it's not fun and it's not easy letting someone go, but there will always be times when we are forced to do so whether by acts of nature or acts of cowardice and/or fear. You have to do what is right for you! It sounds selfish, but if you don't take care of "#1" then no one else will.

    The guy I used to see is a good person and when things ended he said similar things. I agreed because I didn't want to lose someone that I cared for and helped affirm a few good things about myself. But after a while I realized I couldn't keep torturing myself and so I cut off all communication including goddamn facebook. Not gonna lie it sucked but HAD to be done.

    I was doing fine and slowly moving on when I randomly ran into him at a bar. It was awkward at first but fine after a little. We exchanged pleasantries, but got drunk and went home together. No "sex" but still a hook up...a mistake on both parts. Then next morning we talked for a while and had a good laugh. In those moments I realized he in fact isn't ready for a relationship and neither am I (sad to say when you are 30 and everyone around you has begun to paired off) and that's okay because I am okay with it. I am not alone I have some of the best friends and a truly supportive family.

    My friend it's all about the timing in life and the hardest moments are those when it just doesn't fall they way it could when imagined by one person or even both. I'm not saying mess up like I did but rather step back let some distance take root access what you want in life and I hope you come to the understanding that as painful as it is you'll be okay and so will he in his own way, but you'll never get there if you don't give yourself a chance.

    Chin up and realize growing and moving on takes time, but try not to sabotage yourself. Much luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 25, 2012 11:30 AM GMT
    GG..i went thru the same thing...i'd say i wasted a year of my life after a breakeup...it was pretty bad.. i didn't start dating till almost 2 years after the breakup..no dates no sex nothing..for two years...!!.. i was so traumatized..in the end i realized ...I have to take better care of me !!!...
    See you around..icon_biggrin.gif
  • jayatl56

    Posts: 463

    Jul 26, 2012 4:24 PM GMT
    My ex and I were together for 4 years and broke up when I found him serial cheating.

    When in the same town we had breakfast every Saturday morning and then we'd see each other at Church on Sunday morning and usually go to brunch right after Mass.

    To make matters worse, he worked for me so that was an every day thing.

    I decided to move to get away from him - 5,000 miles away - but he still calls almost everyday. He needs advice of this or shares what's happening, even crying sometimes saying he misses me. Then he mans up and goes totally the other direction saying he's fine and going out (though never saying anything about dating or love life).

    Now here's the problem. He still works for the company I managed and manages my properties in that city. I guess I could terminate that and get another management company but believe it or not I trust him with all of this. Even though he cheated I know he's honest when it comes to other things.

    I don't know what to do. I feel trapped too.

  • Aug 01, 2012 10:43 AM GMT
    Exactly the same situation!

    I was with a great guy for 45 days great day.Then the things staterted gettig serious and hence we took one months break then met after a month and became intimate and next day he told me he felt guilty meeting me.I called him,but he was complete rude.

    Then after one month,on a very heavily rainy night,he called at midnight and asked me to meet.I couldn't refuse,as I would be seeing him after a month.I walked on foot with umbrella,all the way to the place he was.He said sorry and told me that it was getting serious and he didn't know how to handle it.We became intimate again.He said we should be friends.And I accepted as at-least this way i would be able to be with him and see him around.

    Now he texts me once or twice a week.Last Sunday (after a week )he text-ed me saying Sorry that he couldn't contact me during week as he was busy.I replied 'no problems' then after one hour of thinking I text-ed him If can see him today.He said he will let me know,but he text-ed me at midnight that he was out with family and could not make it.I never replied.

    Today morning he text-ed me how I'm doing,I responded I'm fine.

    Sometime I really feel he is using me.I also stay with parents but even if he calls me at midnight I reach out to him at any cost.But when I ask him to meet he always has some excuse.

    I know he knows I love him so much and so much emotionally attached to him and may this is the reason he is taking advantage of me.

    I cant be rude ,the way he was rude.His profile and pics keep popping up on Fb and it hurts.

    I dont know what to do!
  • FireDoor211

    Posts: 1030

    Aug 01, 2012 12:35 PM GMT
    I feel for ya guy, I really do. I honestly feel like you are thinking way too much about this, and over analyzing everything and missing some of the more important points. Let's look at the solid facts. 1) He does not want a relationship 2) You do. I think many people can be friends after a break up, however this relationship you still have is not one of those. This relationship is hindering you from developing relationships with these other guys you are meeting. If you truly distance yourself from this guy and let him go, you will see that you can make a connection easier.
    On the other side I had an ex that wouldn't let me go. It made it very difficult for me to move on. For a few years neither one of us dated because we were stuck in this between ground emotionally and found it difficult to move into another relationship.
    Eventually we had a falling out and I resumed dating. Funny how that worked out. Lol
  • jayatl56

    Posts: 463

    Aug 01, 2012 7:41 PM GMT
    FireDoor211 saidI feel for ya guy, I really do. I honestly feel like you are thinking way too much about this, and over analyzing everything and missing some of the more important points. Let's look at the solid facts. 1) He does not want a relationship 2) You do. I think many people can be friends after a break up, however this relationship you still have is not one of those. This relationship is hindering you from developing relationships with these other guys you are meeting. If you truly distance yourself from this guy and let him go, you will see that you can make a connection easier.
    On the other side I had an ex that wouldn't let me go. It made it very difficult for me to move on. For a few years neither one of us dated because we were stuck in this between ground emotionally and found it difficult to move into another relationship.
    Eventually we had a falling out and I resumed dating. Funny how that worked out. Lol


    I think this is where my relationship/friendship with my ex will lead. An eventual falling out and we won't see/speak with each other anymore. That might actually be a God send but until then.....
  • jackthejock

    Posts: 395

    Aug 02, 2012 4:19 AM GMT
    I think if you really do have feelings for him still you aren't being honest with him and you aren't really trying to have a friendship. I think people can be friends with their ex, but not if they aren't being open and communicating honestly.
  • socalisurfer

    Posts: 68

    Aug 02, 2012 5:03 AM GMT
    I went through the same thing, trying to be friends with the most recent ex. He cheated on me and wanted to be friends. If I could go back in time I would beat the living you know what out of myself for trying to be his friend. Listen man, just walk away. It's obvious you still have feelings for him and it's not healthy for you to be 'friends' with him when you want something more.

    Give yourself some space from him. It's time to move on from this relationship. Like one poster said on here, don't sabotage yourself. Who knows maybe in the future you can approach him without any ulterior motives.
  • O5vx

    Posts: 3154

    Aug 02, 2012 5:29 AM GMT
    It seems like something might still be there rather than just friendship to me. The way you describe it, I would definitely be thinking that you both still have some unfinished business.

    Firstly, ask yourself: Why did he dumped me in the first place? Is his reasons genuine enough for me to still feel like something is there for you? Once you have found out your answer to that question, you can then begin to put things in order.

    Secondly, I would say he seems really confused. He need time to get is things figured out. You have to find out what you would like to do on the event that he might just have been confused when he thought he was braking it up.

    Lastly, I would say that you have to make the final decision based on your confrontation with him. After meeting with him, you have to decide whether to move on or wait for him.
  • aaron123dodo

    Posts: 28

    Aug 02, 2012 9:20 AM GMT
    Why not let it out?

    Just tell him that. Get him out there and starts talking. Tell him that you've been having some feelings surfacing up, and you don't know what to do with it. Give him the choice: if he really doesn't want you to have those feelings, let him be the one deciding what to do next. If he's OK with it, try getting back together then. And if neither, talk to him, see how you guys can work this out. Whether if that's distancing himself from you or other decisions, let him know you can cope with any decision, but you NEED a decision from him to free you from the torment.

    At a certain point you'd need to stop playing ego games and stop being afraid of getting hurt, I mean, what's more powerful than a truly honest conversation and two rational brains? Make a decision and stick with it, even if the decision is "let's keep this half-romantic relationship going", at least you don't need to guess anymore, and there wouldn't be any "wondering" room for anyone.

    And Jay:

    I wouldn't say this is a bad situation at all! You've got someone working for you who probably feel at least somewhat guilty for what he's done, he's probably being tormented within himself. And IF at this point you can overcome your own emotions and show "some" level of generosity or even just slight kindness, you have a dead-loyal person working for you. Not perfect for your love life, but great for business, and with business no longer a worry you'd have more time to recover and find new love anyways. icon_smile.gif

  • jayatl56

    Posts: 463

    Aug 02, 2012 3:56 PM GMT
    Thanks Aaron. You sort of see where I am at the moment. I have to admit that other than cheating during our relationship and his admission that he fell out of love, he's an incredibly honest and loyal person. I doubt we'll be seeing each other face to face anymore since I moved back to the US but that could work out for both of us, I guess.

    Thanks again.