Report: 93% Of Drunk Drivers Get Home Just Fine August 8, 2008 | Issue 44•32

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    Aug 08, 2008 10:24 PM GMT


    WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the National Institutes of Health, 93 percent of those who get behind the wheel while intoxicated arrive at their homes safe and sound, just like they told everybody they would. "Most of these people are barely even buzzed, and 87 percent of the time they're driving primarily on back roads for distances of like, eight miles, tops," said the study's lead author, Dr. Henry Tillman, adding that the vast majority of inebriated drivers stuck with only beer all night, so they were totally fine. "Roughly 64 percent of drunk drivers have cousins who are cops anyway, so it's really no big deal." The study concluded that a mere one in 15 drunk drivers end up dying in a cascading torrent of fire, so, you know, odds.
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    Aug 09, 2008 2:47 AM GMT
    sdn8 said

    WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the National Institutes of Health, 93 percent of those who get behind the wheel while intoxicated arrive at their homes safe and sound, just like they told everybody they would. "Most of these people are barely even buzzed, and 87 percent of the time they're driving primarily on back roads for distances of like, eight miles, tops," said the study's lead author, Dr. Henry Tillman, adding that the vast majority of inebriated drivers stuck with only beer all night, so they were totally fine. "Roughly 64 percent of drunk drivers have cousins who are cops anyway, so it's really no big deal." The study concluded that a mere one in 15 drunk drivers end up dying in a cascading torrent of fire, so, you know, odds.


    Onion?
  • CSPYNY

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    Aug 09, 2008 3:36 AM GMT
    I know people that are always legally drunk on beer ... and they always drive on backroads ... and they are related to cops.
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    Aug 09, 2008 3:47 AM GMT
    Ok, forget about the drunk driver....

    What about the other people who are killed by a drunk driver? They dont get to come back to life because 93% of drunk drivers get home without incident.

    Drunk driving is plain dangerous, irresponsible, and should be prosecuted very strenuously.
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    Aug 09, 2008 4:11 AM GMT

    If you get drunk and are involved in a fatal car wreck, should we put 7% on your tombstone?

    I guess people try to justify their actions by saying it'll never happen to me. Well, 7% is just as deadly as 100% if you happen to be in that 7%. And seeing as you probably won't just kill yourself.

    DON'T BE A DUMMY!

    DO NOT


    DRINK AND DRIVE!!

    ..........................................................Photobucket
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    Aug 09, 2008 4:37 AM GMT
    Don't even get me started on drunk drivers. It's hard to save someone's life when they just negligently took someone else's........
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    Aug 09, 2008 4:41 AM GMT
    Umm... this is a strange conversation. Seven percent is a lot. Let's just cut off one in 15 of your fingers and toes every friday night...

  • Aug 09, 2008 12:10 PM GMT
    Seriously, are there only two of us to whom this is obviously a satirical article?
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    Aug 09, 2008 1:05 PM GMT
    Just a quick Google search is all it takes:

    http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/report_93_of_drunk_drivers
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    Aug 09, 2008 2:23 PM GMT
    LOL of course 7% is a lot, it's obviously sarcastic.