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BF using Scruff with fake profile

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Jul 26, 2012 1:34 PM GMT

My man and I have been together for a year. We met on Grindr, fell in lust, then deeply in love. We are fully monogamous, planning our lives for the long term, planning to marry and are looking into finding a surrogate in the next year. This is our first same sex relationship and have recently come out to our families and close friends ( going really well). I was over Grindr when I found him, he has quit using it after a few heart felt emotional requests from me. Recently (by accident) I discovered that he has been Scruffing using a fake profile and pics. He has three years of emails, pics and vids that he has collected from dudes around the world and local. He thinks there is nothing wrong with it. We are in our mid thirties and both want stability and longevity. Our sex life is amazing and we have a solid loving foundation that is obvious to everyone who knows us. I think that this Scruffing is harmful to what we have built. He disagrees and last night we hit an impasse. I say please quit, he says he will resent me if I make him. Am I being unreasonable, is he addicted?

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Jul 26, 2012 1:55 PM GMT

He sounds like a dishonest person all around, to his partner and everyone he comes into contact with. I'd dump him. Anyone having a problem making a decision between you and grindr needs to be let go. I can't believe that's even a question. And if he's going to resent you over it, then you really need to let it go. Why is he accumulating all those emails and why under a fake profile? It's dishonest, rude, and creepy. Dump him. NOW.

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Jul 26, 2012 1:56 PM GMT

sorry, scruff. they're all bad.

Darkjeono

Posts: 12

Jul 26, 2012 2:03 PM GMT

sometimes the place where you find somebody can be fake ill. for example if you meet a guy in a BathHouse, you'll probably in a future will find him there again, the same with GrindR, or online profiles, the person must be really commited to have a relationship in order to avoid temptations, but 3 years of mails? he has been doing that all along. he's not honest at all.

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Jul 26, 2012 2:03 PM GMT

I say you have a great relationship and he has a profile and some chat on the side. Work together to set some boundaries on how you can continue to develop the relationship and he can continue to view the pics and vids. Be honest and open. If he's willing to allow you access to see them and he's willing to be open about who he chats and has no intention to meet up with other guys then establish those boundaries. This is where relationships are in need of working together as opposed to drawing a line in the sand. The line will always lead to resentment, hiding, and dishonesty. Don't lose a good thing over something that is potentially not. I know many will disagree with this, especially those who have not been in a LTR and I respect their opinions, I just don't embrace them.

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Jul 26, 2012 2:04 PM GMT

I know, first post, but I'll bite.

When you say "we are fully monogamous" does "we" mean "me, myself, and I?" There is a lot of "we" allegedly wanting and looking forward to certain things that comes across in the dirty details as "you" definitely wanting them, and "he" not quite so much yet.

On the relationship, quite simply, let the man have his stash. Even married couples have stashes, let your beau have his.

BUT the only thing he has to let go of is the "fake profile and pics" part. Insist on a REAL profile that includes pics and descriptions of you and him as a loving couple. Both of you get access to the profile and passwords, and mutual control of the communication. Links to e-mails and/or social media pages should be to accounts you both have free access to. If people want to communicate, share cooking recipes or naughty parts or whatever, at least their communications will be based on your mutual and truthful interests.

You may be able to practice right here. Otherwise, might your BF be able to say his partner is "using RJ with a photo-less profile"?

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Jul 26, 2012 2:09 PM GMT

Sounds like he should be an ex-BF to me

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Jul 26, 2012 2:11 PM GMT

Its odd that he would resent you because of a simple request. Its even more odd that he's uses fake accounts to talk to guys. Here's a simple idea. If he is talking to in them in harmless fun, albeit in a dishonest fashion then see if you can weed it out of him in less evasive way by openly talking about his Scruff use. In time he may just lose interest in scruff altogether.

HndsmKansan

Posts: 16388

Jul 26, 2012 2:14 PM GMT

It would probably bother me as well. If he were in the open with it, it would be one thing, but a fake profile would raise red flags immediately.

A good long talk is a good thing, how you handle it long term is your decision.
Don't make a snap judgement, think carefully.

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Jul 26, 2012 2:19 PM GMT

Is scruffing like yiffing? If so, i would not advertise that to the potential surrogates... ;) but seriously, you sound like a lesbian. A year is nothing, and most certainly not long enough to determine your ability to raise kids together.

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Jul 26, 2012 2:31 PM GMT

It'd definitely bother me too. At the end of day, relationships boil down to trust. Does this make you not trust him to be honest with you? That's not something strangers can answer for you since we don't have the full context. Some guys on here will say they wouldn't trust him while others will say create boundaries. Heck, I'm sure there are plenty of guys on here that wouldn't care if he was meeting and sleeping with other people and advise you to just have an open relationship. It all boils down to your comfort level and how much you're willing to compromise while still trusting that he's being honest with you.

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Jul 26, 2012 2:38 PM GMT

dayumm saidI know, first post, but I'll bite.

When you say "we are fully monogamous" does "we" mean "me, myself, and I?" There is a lot of "we" allegedly wanting and looking forward to certain things that comes across in the dirty details as "you" definitely wanting them, and "he" not quite so much yet.

On the relationship, quite simply, let the man have his stash. Even married couples have stashes, let your beau have his.

BUT the only thing he has to let go of is the "fake profile and pics" part. Insist on a REAL profile that includes pics and descriptions of you and him as a loving couple. Both of you get access to the profile and passwords, and mutual control of the communication. Links to e-mails and/or social media pages should be to accounts you both have free access to. If people want to communicate, share cooking recipes or naughty parts or whatever, at least their communications will be based on your mutual and truthful interests.

You may be able to practice right here. Otherwise, might your BF be able to say his partner is "using RJ with a photo-less profile"?

+ 1 -- great advice

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Jul 26, 2012 2:47 PM GMT

STOP RIGHT NOW. This guy isn't trustworthy.

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Jul 26, 2012 2:59 PM GMT

My partner and I have been together almost 20 years. I am on Scruff. He's not. I just now got him to consider using a cell phone. lol

I'm not on Scruff looking for hookups or dates. It's an outlet for me. We farm. I'm around home all day every day. Sometimes I don't leave home for several days at a time. (not complaining.) It is an easy way for me to be able to chat with guys from all over. I even chat with a couple guys from RJ.

I see nothing wrong with it. As Chris said, have a long talk.

Find out why he felt he had to use a fake profile and hide. Is it just because he's embarrassed or is it because he just didn't want you to know? If he didn't want you to know, why is that? Is it because he felt you would overreact to it?

No matter what his reason, since he hid it and used a fake profile, it would definitely cause trust issues.

By the way, I don't think after being together just two years, y'all should be considering children. You need more time under your belt to build a solid foundation. All the love in the world is great, but it takes time to build that foundation that will cement the partnership for a lifetime.

Good luck.

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Jul 26, 2012 3:10 PM GMT

Dump his ass now.

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Jul 26, 2012 3:34 PM GMT

Trustworthiness aside, do you think maybe he has an addiction? Pornography and sex addiction is harder to break than even cocain. And it's harder and more embarassing to talk about. A part of him may feel that he needs those connections on Scruff or Grindr or whatever. If he is indeed addicted to it then his brain may think it's dependent on the feelings he gets when viewing that. Maybe talk to him about it. You don't want to dump him for being untrustworthy if it's in fact a legitimate problem that perhaps he's not even aware of.

Also, this explains things better than I can. Good for anyone, even if it's aimed towards teens:

http://www.fightthenewdrug.org/

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Jul 26, 2012 4:02 PM GMT

Wow, you guys are all blowing this waaaay out of proportion. Am I the only one who thinks this is a non-issue? If you really do have a strong foundation like you say you do, what are you worried about? From my experience, relationships that restrict one or both people from doing things they want to do, especially when it's harmless, are doomed to fail. And for the people who say just dump him, I really wonder how long their relationships last, because if you're unwilling to work things out and compromise over such menial things, you're going to be lonely forever unless you find an exact clone of yourself. It's not like he's meeting people behind your back. In all honesty, would it be the end of the world if he kept doing it? I would think not. It really just seems like you're being a little insecure to me.

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Jul 26, 2012 4:19 PM GMT

Seems like dumping someone is the answer to every relationship problem on these forums.
Does he allow you to see his phone or he hides it from you?

HottJoe

Posts: 21366

Jul 26, 2012 4:19 PM GMT

Honestly, a lot of relationships, gay or straight, have to work through monogamy issues. If you're on opposite sides of the fence, and neither is willing to budge, then you should break up. The problem won't go away on its own; it will still be an issue eight years from now. You don't want to bring a kid into that.

You have to decide if you can work out an agreement both you and he find acceptable. If he's honest with you, and you trust him, then more power to you. If you love the guy, and he loves you, then it's worth working together to come up with a solution.

On the other hand, you shouldn't settle for something that doesn't work for you, and neither should he. If you can't except him the way he is, or he can't except the rules of your commitment, then you're better off ending the relationship.

If you do part ways, there are no guarantees that you'll find what you're looking for. No matter what you choose (to stay or leave), you're taking a chance with your heart, and sometimes hearts get broken. That's life.

Personally, I believe it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

makemake

Posts: 10

Jul 26, 2012 4:31 PM GMT

Look, as much as you would love to, you will never be able to completely control or change a person. You have a good thing there, and all that's happening now is the end of the honeymoon phase. It's t dealhis simple.. if you can deal with him being on apps/sites like that, stay together. However if it is something you cannot tolerate, leave him. I have a feeling you should let him keep the profile though, on the condition you are allowed access. Trust will grow.

-speaking from experience

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Jul 26, 2012 4:32 PM GMT

Sounds problematic..its not as if hes just watching porn, this is a live site where he talks to other guys..especially in a sexual context, if he merely wanted to fantasize he could do so watching movies or reading magazines...u shouldn't make him quit it but he should want to on his own to dedicate himself to you...proceed with caution

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Jul 26, 2012 5:07 PM GMT

More info. I think it is an addiction. His reaction to my challenging him on this is classic defense of an addiction. We reached a compromise one week off, one week on both the scruff and the email. He reluctantly accepted and so far he is honoring it. I figure if it is an addiction best course to take us to try and break up the impulse to jump on there every time I leave the house. He doesn't do it while we are together, has offered me passwords. I'd rather it be this way than him actually using his own info but I just don't like it.

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Jul 26, 2012 5:24 PM GMT

SkittleGangsta saidWow, you guys are all blowing this waaaay out of proportion. Am I the only one who thinks this is a non-issue? If you really do have a strong foundation like you say you do, what are you worried about? From my experience, relationships that restrict one or both people from doing things they want to do, especially when it's harmless, are doomed to fail. And for the people who say just dump him, I really wonder how long their relationships last, because if you're unwilling to work things out and compromise over such menial things, you're going to be lonely forever unless you find an exact clone of yourself. It's not like he's meeting people behind your back. In all honesty, would it be the end of the world if he kept doing it? I would think not. It really just seems like you're being a little insecure to me.

10 years.

HottJoe

Posts: 21366

Jul 26, 2012 5:33 PM GMT

pf008 said
SkittleGangsta saidWow, you guys are all blowing this waaaay out of proportion. Am I the only one who thinks this is a non-issue? If you really do have a strong foundation like you say you do, what are you worried about? From my experience, relationships that restrict one or both people from doing things they want to do, especially when it's harmless, are doomed to fail. And for the people who say just dump him, I really wonder how long their relationships last, because if you're unwilling to work things out and compromise over such menial things, you're going to be lonely forever unless you find an exact clone of yourself. It's not like he's meeting people behind your back. In all honesty, would it be the end of the world if he kept doing it? I would think not. It really just seems like you're being a little insecure to me.

10 years.

10 years of what, restricting each other? The post is about placing restrictions on someone from doing something he wants. If in ten years you never had to restrict each other (because there was no temptation and you are both equally faithful) then that's completely different from what the OP or SkittleGangsta were talking about.

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Jul 26, 2012 5:38 PM GMT

dayumm saidI know, first post, but I'll bite.

When you say "we are fully monogamous" does "we" mean "me, myself, and I?" There is a lot of "we" allegedly wanting and looking forward to certain things that comes across in the dirty details as "you" definitely wanting them, and "he" not quite so much yet.

On the relationship, quite simply, let the man have his stash. Even married couples have stashes, let your beau have his.

BUT the only thing he has to let go of is the "fake profile and pics" part. Insist on a REAL profile that includes pics and descriptions of you and him as a loving couple. Both of you get access to the profile and passwords, and mutual control of the communication. Links to e-mails and/or social media pages should be to accounts you both have free access to. If people want to communicate, share cooking recipes or naughty parts or whatever, at least their communications will be based on your mutual and truthful interests.

You may be able to practice right here. Otherwise, might your BF be able to say his partner is "using RJ with a photo-less profile"?

^THIS! Perrrfect, couldn't have said it better myself. Its a healthy compromise. If he's not willing to do that, then he is really hiding something, and is clearly dishonest and has a problem.

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BF using Scruff with fake profile