What do you think of this comment about open relationship?

  • danonce11

    Posts: 2

    Jul 26, 2012 8:01 PM GMT
    "Honestly I think they just don’t want to commit to only one person. They still want the best of both worlds. The truth is that if they honestly commit to one another and don’t run around screwing everybody else they will have just as much sex, be just as happy, and have a relationship too. Gay men tend to bail at the first sign of trouble, so cheating is often the end of the relationship. After two or three relationships that end that way, guys want to have the stability that comes from committment, but shy away thinking that they don’t have the ability to go to a gay place and not wind up drunk, naked and cheating. So….they agree to fool around. They figure they aren’t straight and can’t marry so why act like it. Gay men are different after all….why not just play with anyone who is willing? The reason not to is interesting. Because a relationship is not about what you get out of it. Sex doesn’t add to your worth or value…however, being able to sustain a five or ten year partnership or more does. It makes you a better person and you grow up a lot. You accomplish things that single people don’t. You learn how to love through fights, jealousy, ex-boyfriends trying to break you up, mad parents, pissed off bosses. You learn that how you define yourself is tied to what you do and how you treat the people around you. These lessons can’t be learned while partying in a duo that plays around and really only functions as roomates if that.
    I think open relationships are destructive, and I don’t hold back my thoughts either. There is no point."

    I agree with this view.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jul 26, 2012 8:09 PM GMT
    I think it's preachy.
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    Jul 26, 2012 8:13 PM GMT
    Preach that judgement, OP!

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  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jul 26, 2012 8:14 PM GMT
    too each their own ... personally I'm looking for someone that believes like I do, but I'm not looking to change anyone because that would be pointless ... If you don't share the same view as someone else, then it really wouldn't work out. so just move on
    ... and ya it is preachy
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    Jul 26, 2012 8:16 PM GMT
    danonce11 said"Honestly I think they just don’t want to commit to only one person. They still want the best of both worlds. The truth is that if they honestly commit to one another and don’t run around screwing everybody else they will have just as much sex, be just as happy, and have a relationship too. Gay men tend to bail at the first sign of trouble, so cheating is often the end of the relationship. After two or three relationships that end that way, guys want to have the stability that comes from committment, but shy away thinking that they don’t have the ability to go to a gay place and not wind up drunk, naked and cheating. So….they agree to fool around. They figure they aren’t straight and can’t marry so why act like it. Gay men are different after all….why not just play with anyone who is willing? The reason not to is interesting. Because a relationship is not about what you get out of it. Sex doesn’t add to your worth or value…however, being able to sustain a five or ten year partnership or more does. It makes you a better person and you grow up a lot. You accomplish things that single people don’t. You learn how to love through fights, jealousy, ex-boyfriends trying to break you up, mad parents, pissed off bosses. You learn that how you define yourself is tied to what you do and how you treat the people around you. These lessons can’t be learned while partying in a duo that plays around and really only functions as roomates if that.
    I think open relationships are destructive, and I don’t hold back my thoughts either. There is no point."

    I agree with this view.


    I refuse to judge this judgemental judgement.
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    Jul 26, 2012 8:17 PM GMT
    Is today First-Poster Thursday?
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    Jul 26, 2012 8:34 PM GMT
    I think that whoever said it has no idea what he's talking about. Lots of trying to put himself into others' heads - and failing miserably.

    I have no problem with monogamy, it can be beautiful.

    I only have problems with stupid people. "Because a relationship is not about what you get out of it. Sex doesn’t add to your worth or value…however, being able to sustain a five or ten year partnership or more does." So, what about a five or ten year or more partnership that is NOT monogamous? Ooooooh, mind blown!!!!!
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    Jul 26, 2012 8:38 PM GMT
    showme saidI think that whoever said it has no idea what he's talking about. Lots of trying to put himself into others' heads - and failing miserably.

    I have no problem with monogamy, it can be beautiful.

    I only have problems with stupid people. "Because a relationship is not about what you get out of it. Sex doesn’t add to your worth or value…however, being able to sustain a five or ten year partnership or more does." So, what about a five or ten year or more partnership that is NOT monogamous? Ooooooh, mind blown!!!!!


    The OP is prob a 18 yr old idealist don't b 2 hard on him
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    Jul 26, 2012 8:46 PM GMT
    who the hell are you quoting?



    Don't really care...just helping you out on your post count.
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    Jul 26, 2012 8:50 PM GMT
    Just a thought:

    Are people reacting so strongly because they disagree, or because it hits a nerve ?
  • danonce11

    Posts: 2

    Jul 26, 2012 8:51 PM GMT
    showme saidI think that whoever said it has no idea what he's talking about. Lots of trying to put himself into others' heads - and failing miserably.

    I have no problem with monogamy, it can be beautiful.

    I only have problems with stupid people. "Because a relationship is not about what you get out of it. Sex doesn’t add to your worth or value…however, being able to sustain a five or ten year partnership or more does." So, what about a five or ten year or more partnership that is NOT monogamous? Ooooooh, mind blown!!!!!


    "Because a relationship is not about what you get out of it. Sex doesn’t add to your worth or value…however, being able to sustain a five or ten year partnership or more does. It makes you a better person and you grow up a lot. You accomplish things that single people don’t." ---> This part is talking about monogamous relationship in comparison with open relationship. Pls read it before comment.
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    Jul 26, 2012 8:52 PM GMT
    If people do agree - explain WHY.

    If you disagree- explain WHY.

    It's all very well reacting , but I'm genuinely interested in why this comment is right or wrong .
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    Jul 26, 2012 9:04 PM GMT
    If someone wants to have an open relationship thats up to the couple.

    I personally don't believe in them. To me it would feel more like a fuck buddy who I'm close with instead of a partner I could trust and love fully.
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    Jul 26, 2012 9:38 PM GMT
    If one can decouple sex and emotional attachment, it becomes clear that there is such a thing as "just sex". For those who understand how to decouple sexuality and nudity, the situation is inversely similar to nudist behaviors.

    For a true nudist, naked is "just naked". Just because you're in a colony full of naked people doesn't mean any of them want to help you out when you pop a boner in front of them.

    For people in a true and trusting open relationship, fucking someone else doesn't express or imply any emotional attachment to the third party.

    There are cases where an open relationship might be appropriate. If a couple has all their emotional connections in order, and everything is dandy, and the only major mismatch is one of sexual drive or practices, an open relationship can help prevent sexual frustration from bleeding into the rest of the relationship.

    Example 1: Partner A only feels the urge to fuck once a week or every couple weeks and Partner B has an insatiable desire to be fucked almost daily.
    Example 2: Partner A and Partner B are both tops, or both bottoms.
    Example 3: Partner A loves rimming but Partner B doesn't like getting rimmed.

    Also, in many of the strong relationships that I've observed, if Partner A wants to do something together, sexual or not, Partner B shows 0 hesitation in cancelling any extraneous activities he had planned, if any, to devote his attention to couple time.

    For couples who have deeper issues than sexual mismatch, an open relationship would not be appropriate, as it is likely to drive a wedge between two people whose emotional commitments are not stable and secure.

    Open relationships work in the long run when the persons are 100% emotionally committed, and the sexual openness is purely about sex.


    PS - I know couples who fit into each of the three examples I gave, whose relationships are still strong 7 years, 18 years, and 12 years later.
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    Jul 26, 2012 9:49 PM GMT
    danonce11 said
    showme saidI think that whoever said it has no idea what he's talking about. Lots of trying to put himself into others' heads - and failing miserably.

    I have no problem with monogamy, it can be beautiful.

    I only have problems with stupid people. "Because a relationship is not about what you get out of it. Sex doesn’t add to your worth or value…however, being able to sustain a five or ten year partnership or more does." So, what about a five or ten year or more partnership that is NOT monogamous? Ooooooh, mind blown!!!!!


    "Because a relationship is not about what you get out of it. Sex doesn’t add to your worth or value…however, being able to sustain a five or ten year partnership or more does. It makes you a better person and you grow up a lot. You accomplish things that single people don’t." ---> This part is talking about monogamous relationship in comparison with open relationship. Pls read it before comment.


    I did read it and reacted to it, as written. Perhaps you have reading comprehension issues.
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    Jul 26, 2012 9:51 PM GMT
    yourname2000 saidThere are whores who have been with their pimps for more than 10 years.....Ooooo open relationship! Oooo....mind blown. (For free....dicks cost $50 dolla.)


    No need to feel so threatened by (or rude about) something that's irrelevant to you and your relationship.

    And I don't appreciate the analogy.
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    Jul 26, 2012 9:54 PM GMT
    Francomophone said Open relationships work in the long run when the persons are 100% emotionally committed, and the sexual openness is purely about sex.


    I don't think I would want to be in a relationship with someone who is so emotionally compartmentalized or even myself to be as such. I've spent too much time learning to integrate my emotions in a healthy, whole way, being fully present in all that I do, emotionally invested and present in each moment as deemed best for self and others in the situation. That takes work.

    Our instinct to compartmentalize is usually a defense mechanism to guard ourselves from seemingly unbearable pain in times of mental crisis, such as when the mind suffers trauma or abuse. It's not something we purposely do lest it have negative effects in other areas over the long-term. But then, maybe that's why people have emotionless sex -- to avoid an underlying pain of some sort, if temporary at best.

    On a side note: judgment is not wrong and of itself. Its inevitable if you are to discern what is right and wrong. Unfounded judgment without openness to dialog and understanding is not ideal. We can always agree to disagree. No need to be spiteful or mean about it.
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    Jul 26, 2012 10:00 PM GMT
    TerraFirma said
    some seriously profound shit.


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    Jul 26, 2012 10:04 PM GMT
    danonce11 said"
    I think open relationships are destructive for me, and I don’t hold back my thoughts either. There is no point."

    2 words were missing
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    Jul 26, 2012 10:14 PM GMT
    blactor said...
    If you disagree- explain WHY.
    ...

    Disagree
    OPHonestly I think they just don’t want to commit to only one person. They still want the best of both worlds. The truth is that if they honestly commit to one another and don’t run around screwing everybody else they will have just as much sex, be just as happy, and have a relationship too.
    Nothing but negative assumptions and stereotypes about open relationships

    OPGay men tend to bail at the first sign of trouble, so cheating is often the end of the relationship. After two or three relationships that end that way, guys want to have the stability that comes from committment, but shy away thinking that they don’t have the ability to go to a gay place and not wind up drunk, naked and cheating. So….they agree to fool around.

    This is only one reason to wind up in an open relationship. I honestly was never interested in monogamy.

    OPBecause a relationship is not about what you get out of it. Sex doesn’t add to your worth or value…however, being able to sustain a five or ten year partnership or more does. It makes you a better person and you grow up a lot. You accomplish things that single people don’t. You learn how to love through fights, jealousy, ex-boyfriends trying to break you up, mad parents, pissed off bosses. You learn that how you define yourself is tied to what you do and how you treat the people around you. These lessons can’t be learned while partying in a duo that plays around and really only functions as roomates if that.
    He's wrong. Everything he mentions above can be learned in an open relationship as well. I've been in one for almost 19 years and we were never monogamous. He's also using the stereotype of the partying couple, that shows he has absolutely no idea how open relationships actually are.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jul 26, 2012 10:17 PM GMT
    blactor saidJust a thought:

    Are people reacting so strongly because they disagree, or because it hits a nerve ?


    Saying something is preachy is not the same thing as agreeing or disagreeing.

    My bf and I have been together for 8yrs and we talked about this issue recently. We decided to remain monogamous, and, after discussing it, I feel that that's what's right for us. It was great to be able to weigh the pros and cons and sort it out together.

    But that doesn't mean I'm running around telling people that they have to do it our way or it doesn't count. That would be PREACHY.
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    Jul 26, 2012 10:29 PM GMT
    I see the points being made.

    I know of guys in open relationships who have nothing but love for each other and make no secret of it.

    I believe in monogamy but I'm now totally open to seeing that for some people, an open relationship can work. It wouldn't work for me, and I think an open relationship needs to be pursued for the right reasons .

    How do straight people approach the issue of monogamy ?
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    Jul 26, 2012 10:50 PM GMT
    yourname2000 saidIt's just a truth in advertising issue to me....silver plate is not sterling silver....brass is not gold....tofu-turkey is not turkey. icon_rolleyes.gif If these guys would just agree to call themselves "fornicating roommates" or "committed fuckbuddies" that would be one thing. It's not like I have a vested interest in what two (or 3 or 5 or 20 icon_rolleyes.gif ) other people are doing behind closed doors, but if I ever get married, I don't want people automatically devaluing my relationship to fuck-buddy status (just because I'm gay) when I'm not fucking around on my partner (granted, with his permission --eww!) ....monogamy needs its own moniker. And for you yanks, I think it's a harder sell for gay marriage when you're not only asking that marriage be redefined to to be same-sex, but "oh yeah, we also wanna be able to fuck anything --no exclusivity-- we really just want the rights and tax benefits of marriage, please."

    butter.jpg

    No, it's not that unbelievable....it really isn't butter. icon_rolleyes.gif But at least they're not trying to call it butter. icon_wink.gif


    I like.
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    Jul 26, 2012 10:59 PM GMT
    TerraFirma said...

    On a side note: judgment is not wrong and of itself. Its inevitable if you are to discern what is right and wrong. Unfounded judgment without openness to dialog and understanding is not ideal. We can always agree to disagree. No need to be spiteful or mean about it.

    Judgement is even better if it is sold as personal opinion (i-statements) instead of universal truths ("It", "we", "everyone")


    yourname 20000....

    ...if I ever get married, I don't want people automatically devaluing my relationship to fuck-buddy status (just because I'm gay) when I'm not fucking around on my partner....
    ...

    I'm so naive. I always thought that I want to get married because I love my man and want to be with him as long as we both live. But you are perfectly right, we only want to get married because of what other people think or might think or could maybe think or thought for thousands of years


    /sarcasm
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jul 27, 2012 12:16 AM GMT
    yourname2000 saidOh sure, definitely believe the plumped up chickens....they're just the same as Tyson's, aren't they, lol. icon_wink.gif

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    Ya gotta take into account the source. Just 'cos a thief tells you stealing isn't bad, doesn't mean that it's good. Just because a hooker says prostitution is fun, doesn't mean that everyone should do it. Can't say it's too much of a surprise to see guys who have already made the decision to devalue/discredit their relationships say "nothing of value was lost" ....what are they supposed to say? --it was wrong? We made a mistake? The guys who lack that kind of impulse control over their bodies seem unlikely to me to have that kind of control over their minds. icon_confused.gif

    Again, I don't really care what some people do in their bedrooms....some are into scat, some are into pissing, others need to be hit to get off...whatever floats your boat, I guess. But just because you've lowered your standards to say "cheating is normal now" doesn't mean it should be accepted by the rest of us who are actually trying to have a committed relationship with our partners.


    Why do you let other people's relationships make you so angry? I mean seriously straight people have issues too, this isn't just a gay issue, and you can't expect people to base their relationship on a political agenda no matter how noble anyone thinks it is. Most gay people want monogamy. You're just trashing one set based on a stereotype.