Does mutual fooling with those outside a relationship while in a relationship work?

  • jeremylk7

    Posts: 91

    Jul 29, 2012 5:54 PM GMT
    Well me and my boyfriend have been in a long distance relationship. We get to see each other about once every 3 months. I have been with him for 2 years and I love him very dearly.I do intend to start a family with him one day, just moving right now is not an option until later on in the future.
    I recently found that he was sending pictures of himself to other guys and webcammed on here once or twice with a guy. I was pretty hurt by it since I've been good in that department but also tempted as any human would be.


    So I brought up in discussion about possibly involving a 3rd party. This would be for webcam purposes only. So while we were on Skype this 3rd party could do something pleasurable to us while the other watched/was involved. We would have rules set up such as no kissing or anything too far.

    However I would not want him doing stuff without me knowing and seeing it. I would consider it cheating and be extremely upset.

    I have a psychology degree and I realize the slippery slope I can be on but also know the traditional model is not a good one either. I can't find many studies on it though.

    Do you guys think this is a good medium? Have any of you had experience with relationships that lasted long term while doing stuff like this?



  • jeremylk7

    Posts: 91

    Jul 29, 2012 6:40 PM GMT
    We can however I think its the idea of not being able to see each other that often along , he also works different hours than me so we don't even get that much time to skype together on weekdays. We are both young and I don't see a problem with it on the surface but I agree there could be something deeper. I just don't want to be overly analytic about it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 29, 2012 8:37 PM GMT
    Well the fact that you are posting here means you are uneasy regarding this issue...Very few gay men can handle the fooling around thing..
    You have to ask yourself truly..are you one of them..??

    I dunno man..when i was with my last bf..i structured my schedule so i could be more accommodating to the needs of the relationship.. i didn't do everything to revolve around him,,i was availabe most of the time we needed each other..maybe this could be in the workings for both of you..???
    Good luck..icon_smile.gif
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    Jul 29, 2012 8:47 PM GMT
    I would say no. Even though I have never and would never even consider something like this, how can it help with whatever is going in a relationship? If anything, it will most likely make things worse. It's certainly not a long-term solution to anything. This is one of most useless, ridiculous ideas I've ever heard (not aimed at you jeremylk7).
  • Kyboy270

    Posts: 30

    Jul 29, 2012 11:36 PM GMT
    Whoa whoa whoa. 2 year long distance are you kidding me? Have you spent any respectable amount of time together? Man I'm here to tell you from experience that you are not in a relationship, you are in a fantasy. The relationship will start when you two live nearby and see each other several times a week. Until then, you're just holding out for what potentially could be a relationship. Not the same thing.

    Skyping and webcam all you want I say. What you guys have isn't serious enough to be worried about at this stage.
  • jeremylk7

    Posts: 91

    Jul 30, 2012 12:49 AM GMT
    Sorry I didn't really clarify a lot. He lived with me for 4 months and things went quite well. We used to be able to travel more often to see each other but it hasn't worked in our favor recently to travel. This will be fixed in the future.

    I am not looking to have my relationship or me attacked here. I was just trying to ask for advice.
  • Kyboy270

    Posts: 30

    Jul 30, 2012 2:46 AM GMT
    Ok, sorry for the way I worded my reply, pretty insensitive I realize now.

    It was just what was said in the original post...2 year ldr...i intend on starting a family w him someday...suddenly deafening sirens and flashing red lights were going off in my head.

    Hope you guys figure something out and wish you the best.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 30, 2012 2:50 AM GMT
    Why not just have a normal, monagamous relationship? Slippery slope, my friend.
  • jeremylk7

    Posts: 91

    Jul 30, 2012 11:26 AM GMT
    huhwhat saidWhy not just have a normal, monagamous relationship? Slippery slope, my friend.


    Well that is an option. However I do know traditional relationships fail a large part of the time. So I'm staying open minded about the possibilities of what can make my relationship last.

    Thank you for commenting!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 30, 2012 11:36 AM GMT
    NO NO NO dont do it!
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    Jul 30, 2012 11:45 AM GMT
    It's better to be closer to each other... I don't think that long distance relationship can work unless you know each other very well so you can trust completely each other etc. third party doesn't sound great to me at all... Your bf can start feeling insecure etc. nothing good will come out of this I am afraid...
  • davidsticky69

    Posts: 412

    Jul 30, 2012 5:39 PM GMT
    Just like you, I am in a long distance relationship too. Except l get to see him perhaps once a year (he lives half the world away).

    I really think what sustains a long distance relationship has to be something much more substantial than the physical attraction. Thus, I doubt it'd be worth it to trade a few moments of physical release for that beneath-the-skin connection. Personally I would never want a 3rd party to involve. It will just snow-ball into a huge untangled mess. From what you wrote above, you seem pretty upset when your bf had cam-sex with someone else. Do you think you can handle seeing him physically with someone else while you just sit on the screen and watch? Being in my early 20s, I have pretty high sex drive too. However, the only ones I have cheated on my bf with are my left hand and right-hand (Sometimes when I am in a naughty mood, I'd use both). It is a physical turn-off for to be with someone while I am in love with someone else. And something tells me that you are somewhat like that too.
    Please, I hope you will pause for a moment and ponder this over carefully. It could just be your instant reaction to what he did.

    I have had similar experiences where a third wheel just "coincidentally" came by and then started the worst emotional trauma I've ever had to face.

    As a fellow psychology student, I really think a rational mind is capable of willing his super ego over his Id.

    All the best man!
  • jeremylk7

    Posts: 91

    Jul 30, 2012 10:32 PM GMT
    Ok, I guess I just want to be realistic. I don't really believe in the fairy tale crap of oh this person can be my everything. I'm here to support him and him me. I love him dearly and I want to make this work.

    I however will not tolerate cheating and lying. I want to be in an honest relationship and I just figured it would be changing it up a bit. It could be a bad idea.

    Thanks for the comments.