Clingy

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 29, 2012 7:06 PM GMT
    I need a bit of emotional support, I suppose.
    I am a terribly clingy person. So much that most of the time I scare the guy off before a commitment gets started.
    Aside from the girl I dated for three years, which ended cause she told me I was gay (true enough), my longest relationship has been three months. It ended because he moved four states away. And didn't tell me.

    So anyways, I'm talking, and just talking, to a guy who is a solid two day drive from me. I met him the night before he went back to his parents for the summer, and we've been talking quite a bit. Its been over a month now, so he is doing great for the not balking thing, and I think I am doing okay for the not Koala Clinging that I am so prone to do. But the fact is, I've got terrible game. And he has amazing game. Like... he went ten days without messaging me. In that time, I went stupid and left him about thirty texts and three voice mails. Then he went three days without talking, and again, I got sent him one voice mail and about ten texts.

    I'm doing pretty good this time. Its been two days. Only sent him three texts. Then I realized he was being distant again. So... I haven't spoken with him. But the inner crazy person feels compelled to call him and ask him a stupid list of details because I'm crushing on this guy.

    I'm insecure enough to, when I start going into crazy mode, think that twenty four hours means he lost interest. But I'm trying real hard to not be overbearing. And I'm not doing a good job at it at all.

    PS: On the bright side, it is only thirty-four more days till he is back in my area. On the negative side, it is thirty-four more days of me being a crazy person.
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    Jul 29, 2012 7:36 PM GMT
    Try waiting the same amount of time to respond as he took to write to you.

    Time you hold off on writing = time you know for sure there won't be any chance that he's written you.
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    Jul 29, 2012 7:50 PM GMT
    You Sir ..Have way too much time on your hands..where do you find the time to process all this information...??
    ....You know what's wrong with you..and you have to fix it before it's too late..!! Listen to what skinny said..relay..you do one ..he does one...
    ....For a year i went thru a clingy phase..you wanna know what my date said to me..?
    "i can't miss you if you don't go away"..(inoright..!!)
    Be careful..and i wish you luck..!!
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    Jul 29, 2012 8:34 PM GMT
    But... absence makes the heart grow fungus. I think.

    And yeah, I get the idea. And understand conceptually that I should not message him. Or call him. Or drive to Colorado to see him.
    >.>
    <.<

    I am more antsy because for the first bit he was drunk dialing me at 3am every night in addition to texting me through the day. Now I am doing great if I get a missive every three days. And I kinda thrive on reassurance. Not ego stroking, but... being told that you are still interested.

    And yeah, I have a lot of time. I stare answer phones at my current site. And that phone rings about 2 times a night. On a twelve hour shift. So I sit there and read. And think about him not texting me.

    Now, if I were to wait the same amount of time, then I have at least two days to send him a reply if he talks today. And I want to talk to him now...
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    Jul 29, 2012 8:40 PM GMT
    Hey mate... I totally understand, and it's nice when we get excited when we meet someone new. Definitely relax and enjoy it. Skinny said it well, just bring in a bit of balance. If he takes 2 days, you take 2 days and so forth. If it's meant to be, it will happen.

    Cheers,

    Sean
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    Jul 29, 2012 8:46 PM GMT
    Op i admire your head on hands on perspective..you know what we have to say..you know how you feel..and you know more details regarding your relationship than we do...
    Now somewhere in the middle are the answers you are looking for..
    Take care !
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    Jul 29, 2012 9:07 PM GMT
    I'm not sure what you're asking here, OP... do you want to know how to not be clingy? Or are you just venting?
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    Jul 29, 2012 9:13 PM GMT
    Pretty much just venting.
    Cause for the most part, I know from talking to his friends that he is attracted to confidence and falls for vulnerability. And I got the vulnerability covered like moss on a rock, but the confidence thing is a little shaky.

    If any of you even consider such things, I play the Cancer rather well, and from everything I have learned, he does all the Scorpio things to a tee. Hokey psydeo-psychic shit, but... shoes fit, so I'm wearin' 'em.
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    Jul 29, 2012 10:13 PM GMT
    i think you have a bad mixture here.
    you like guys that struggle forging a connection, or just lack a certain amount of compassion.

    and you yourself have the opposite problem. my advice would be to either address the underlying issues whatever they may be.

    or go for guys who are looking for a longer term thing right from the off. that way if there is an issue you can call them on it right from the start, because you were clear about what you both wanted from the off.

    also i would ask him why he is not communicating for days at a time, i am not clingy in the slightest, and i would find it unusual enough to bring up with him if a guy i had spent some time with in the way that you describe, blanked me for days or weeks at a time.

    good luck anyway

    x
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    Jul 29, 2012 10:17 PM GMT
    Olandew saidPretty much just venting.
    Cause for the most part, I know from talking to his friends that he is attracted to confidence and falls for vulnerability. And I got the vulnerability covered like moss on a rock, but the confidence thing is a little shaky.

    If any of you even consider such things, I play the Cancer rather well, and from everything I have learned, he does all the Scorpio things to a tee. Hokey psydeo-psychic shit, but... shoes fit, so I'm wearin' 'em.


    in any case, 30 texts is excessive. I personally wouldn't want to talk to you if you did that to me lol but since you are aware that it's not a good thing I suggest the next time you feel the urge to send him a text or give him a call you remove yourself physically from wherever you're sitting and thinking and do something else.
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    Jul 29, 2012 11:49 PM GMT
    Well, the thirty texts and three voice mails was over the course of 10 days. And his phone was off during that time. Like... the entire time.

    And no, I can't press it for serious level because I met him at a bar the day before he went back home to Colorado for the summer. So... I've only actually seen him once. Not counting Skype, that is.

    I don't think it is a lack of compassion though because, being realistic, he has only seen me once. Three or four days without texting is actually normal, or so I am told, especially when I take into account that I've only known the guy for a little over a month.
  • monstapex

    Posts: 478

    Jul 29, 2012 11:53 PM GMT
    Is this the same guy that put his tongue down your throat?
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    Jul 29, 2012 11:54 PM GMT
    Olandew saidWell, the thirty texts and three voice mails was over the course of 10 days. And his phone was off during that time. Like... the entire time.

    And no, I can't press it for serious level because I met him at a bar the day before he went back home to Colorado for the summer. So... I've only actually seen him once. Not counting Skype, that is.

    I don't think it is a lack of compassion though because, being realistic, he has only seen me once. Three or four days without texting is actually normal, or so I am told, especially when I take into account that I've only known the guy for a little over a month.


    ah i must have misinterpreted your original post. in that case you need to get these issues in order, and sooner rather than later. this sort of behaviour reeks of desperation,abandoment and baggage. no offence im sure you are a nice guy and you come across as adorable in your post, but this will scare off any guy. stalkerish compulsive texting alone would certainly be enough for me. we all struggle with the "rules" of initial texting a contact, but maintaining interest and stalking are very different lol. at least you are aware of your behaviour though, i think conselling would be a great start, or at least speaking to someone with a constructive proffessional opinion.
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    Jul 30, 2012 12:02 AM GMT
    monstapex saidIs this the same guy that put his tongue down your throat?


    No... that was a different event, independent of this, and still creepy.



    As to the counseling... Sounds like a decent idea, but I'm kinda abusing you guys as a method of indirect distraction. Get my fix of pining after the guy without actually directing my focus on him.

    And he did reply after the 30 in ten. In fact, I am at 3 for 2 right now. Meaning this lull is only three texts over two days. One being good morning WAY before he would have been awake, another being a picture cause I'de been sending him one a day when we are talking, and the third saying I was going to work. So... I think I am not at stalker yet.

    Where does stalker level start?
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    Jul 30, 2012 12:03 AM GMT
    Oh, dude. Rule #1 - You never reply to the guy when he drunk dials you in the middle of the night. He's horny and lonely - he doesn't care who responds, and you need to create your value by showing him that you're not that guy that falls into that category. You have other things to do at night.

    Rule #2 - You barely text him b/c you yourself have things to do. You're socializing, working, working out, living life. It's not about lying about doing those things - it's about actually doing them. He should be lucky to date YOU. Not the other way around.

    Finally, YOU hold the power in the relationship. In this case, you've already given it all to him! He didn't even deserve it, and he didn't even want it all!

    I know this may sound harsh, but love is a game that must be played. Your feelings need to be controlled, disciplined, methodical. Not playing the game shows that you aren't able to be mature, interesting, or willing excite his interest.

    Olandew saidI am more antsy because for the first bit he was drunk dialing me at 3am every night in addition to texting me through the day. Now I am doing great if I get a missive every three days. And I kinda thrive on reassurance. Not ego stroking, but... being told that you are still interested.

    And yeah, I have a lot of time. I stare answer phones at my current site. And that phone rings about 2 times a night. On a twelve hour shift. So I sit there and read. And think about him not texting me.

    Now, if I were to wait the same amount of time, then I have at least two days to send him a reply if he talks today. And I want to talk to him now...
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    Jul 30, 2012 12:04 AM GMT
    I wish some guy would put his tounge down my throat!icon_razz.gif or more than that!...
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    Jul 30, 2012 12:12 AM GMT
    huhwhat saidOh, dude. Rule #1 - You never reply to the guy when he drunk dials you in the middle of the night. He's horny and lonely - he doesn't care who responds, and you need to create your value by showing him that you're not that guy that falls into that category. You have other things to do at night.

    Rule #2 - You barely text him b/c you yourself have things to do. You're socializing, working, working out, living life. It's not about lying about doing those things - it's about actually doing them. He should be lucky to date YOU. Not the other way around.

    Finally, YOU hold the power in the relationship. In this case, you've already given it all to him! He didn't even deserve it, and he didn't even want it all!

    I know this may sound harsh, but love is a game that must be played. Your feelings need to be controlled, disciplined, methodical. Not playing the game shows that you aren't able to be mature, interesting, or willing excite his interest.


    Oh... uh... I'm in Texas right now. He is in Colorado until September 2nd. Drunk dialing doesn't actually involve anything sexual. Or... are you implying I should not answer my phone at 3 am, even if I am awake?

    But I get the second rule. And yeah... I need to take that to heart. That is actually really sound advice. Thank you.

    As to "the game", most of the time, doing things like intentionally ignoring someone make me feel like an asshat. I kinda wanna avoid such feelings though. BUT I do understand what you mean about the maturity. I should probably not be telling him that I wish he would call, I should just wait for it to happen.
  • MixedJock91

    Posts: 297

    Jul 30, 2012 12:16 AM GMT
    he's prob. not interested as much as you are if he's not texting/calling you back. Should just move on and not deal with the "most likely" bad outcome...but who knows?
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    Jul 30, 2012 1:06 AM GMT
    Anocxu said
    "i can't miss you if you don't go away"


    Gold!
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    Jul 30, 2012 1:21 AM GMT
    Eh, normally I just feel like I'm waxing poetic as he's waxing his legs.

    But whatever.
  • Scorpio1113

    Posts: 90

    Jul 30, 2012 2:44 AM GMT
    I used to have the same clingy tendencies. When I was 18 and new to dating, I misinterpreted hooking up for something more. The dude I was hooking up with was such a thrilling experience, that when I found out he started seeing a guy I was upset. I did send him messages on Facebook...it was bad.

    So with more experience, I realized I was having the same problem with different guys. I admitted to my insecurities and fears. In the process, I became less clingy with every new experience! Now I know how to walk away, now I know the signs. After being on the end of someone else being clingy, I saw how off putting it was!!

    And that guy from before? He came begging to hang with me because I had resisted him more than once.

    My advice is to loosen up and get to the bottom of why you are clingy. If you're like me, you don't want to be alone. But being lonely and single versus lonely and obsessive? Take the former!!
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    Jul 30, 2012 4:24 AM GMT
    /cheer
    /dance

    He texted.
    And by text I mean he sent me a message on Skype. /shrug

    His phone is broken and he didn't know how to get in touch.


    Should I punish him for it? Or can I be talk back?

    EDIT: Never mind. He ninja logged, so no chance to reply.
    Two day timer has begun!

    I hope I can play the game well.
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    Jul 30, 2012 4:37 AM GMT
    I'm not so much as "clingy," as I am "territorial." Trust me, it takes me awhile to build up trust when I'm in a relationship with someone, especially if they're very attractive and get a lot of attention from guys on Facebook and other social networking websites.
  • dancedancekj

    Posts: 1761

    Jul 30, 2012 4:51 AM GMT
    Please view this website

    http://www.overlyattachedgirlfriend.com

    Realize how ridiculous her statements sound. Realize that despite being hyperbolic, that these mirror some of your own behavior. Learn that being clingy and prematurely attached will always ALWAYS be a major turnoff and does not lead to anything sustainable and healthy.

    3pmcg4.jpg

    I mean for this in a constructive way. You probably are a very nice guy, but you just need to relax, and let things happen. It is difficult, and it sounds counterintuitive, but you must just let the relationship happen, if it will happen.
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    Jul 30, 2012 6:07 AM GMT
    Ok .. communication should be like playing ball on a court.. tennis to be exact.

    I know you are excited at the prospect of something happening with this guy.. it's like drug.. it's intoxicating when a guy that you find highly attractive contacts you. But you have to cler your mind and hold your ground so that you can see the situation for what it is.. when you are doing what you are doing you are clouding your view...and thus you can't discern whether this guy really likes you or not. 10 days and no contact tells me something.

    So My personal rule is Communication is a game of tennis. So one text.. one call or message... make sure you leave it open ended in conversation. Then the ball is in his court.. wait for him to toss the ball back. When he does... toss the ball back whenever. Don't WAIT if you don't want to. This will make you seem like you are playing games.. just know that after you've tossed the ball back to him that you've done your part. You should not have to message him 30 times and no response. He'll get afraid.. he'll feel smothered.. he fear he's commiting to something and that it's work.. no one likes to feel casual dating is WORK. You text him... he text you back. Simple. Try not to contact him more than just once.


    If you ask him how his days is and he takes 5 days to get back to you.. then you mnight want to reconsider how he feels about you. But don't get upset... don't assume. maybe after 5 days send a "Yo.. my day was rad how was yours." Still no response? He's not into you.

    I think the impulse to call repeated stems from the fear you are being "let go". No one likes that... but it's like an itch you can not scratch, or else you have an open sore and possible infection. DONT SCRATCH.

    You then to simultaneously start looking into your relationships period, familial and friendships, to assess whether you have abandonment issues and why..and confront what you find. If you start looking at your behavior that way.. in time you can change.. become more laxed and have better relationships with men. trust me. I was so clingy at age 19. It took some introspection and plain aging and trial and error to kind of ease up.