Better Looking = Fewer Long Term Relationships?

  • kencarson

    Posts: 224

    Jul 29, 2012 10:41 PM GMT
    I've been single for about 6 years now. A lot of my friends seem baffled by this. I always get, "You're so handsome! You must be beating them off with a stick!" Or something to that affect.

    Last night I was out to a movie with my friend. We got to talking about relationships and what we're attracted to, and how hard it is to have one. He and I are both pretty good looking and have good bodies, so I brought up the question:

    "How many of your friends are good looking and have nice bodies?"

    "Quite a few."

    "How many of those friends have had or are currently in long term relationships, but aren't serial monogamists?"

    "Almost none."

    I just finished reading The Velvet Rage, and it brought up the trend that gay men who are very focused on their own looks, also tend to require that their partner be as or more good looking as they are. The author goes on to state that many times (not always) men who look for looks as one of the primary requirements for getting into a relationship with someone, often get bored when the "glitter" of the physical dulls and are left with what we all are, an imperfect person.

    I took offense to this at first. I mean, I know I have more to offer than just looks. I'm funny, smart, good at my job, etc. But the thing I present to the world the most, is how I look. It's the first thing people see, in person. It's the cute picture I put up of myself on Facebook. It's the majority of what people look at on my dating profile sites.

    So, if I'm putting it out there, it stands to reason that that's what people will see in me primarily, and possibly why I get bored of me when they find out my quirks and that I don't look so great first thing in the morning.

    I see the trend in most of my good-looking friends too. Either they're clinically single, they hop from boyfriend to boyfriend, or their long term relationship includes some sort of on the side deal (something I'm not necessarily opposed to, but certainly not something I'm seeking out.)

    I don't know what the answer is. Do people in long term relationships just settle? Or are they presenting more than just the physical that attracts people who are looking for more than that? Are all good-looking people always just looking for the next best thing? Or have they just gotten used to a pattern of in-and-out relationships that it's hard to break?

    Any thoughts?
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    Jul 29, 2012 10:44 PM GMT
    kencarson said

    I just finished reading The Velvet Rage, and it brought up the trend that gay men who are very focused on their own looks, also tend to require that their partner be as or more good looking as they are. The author goes on to state that many times (not always) men who look for looks as one of the primary requirements for getting into a relationship with someone, often get bored when the "glitter" of the physical dulls and are left with what we all are, an imperfect person.

    I took offense to this at first. I mean, I know I have more to offer than just looks. I'm funny, smart, good at my job, etc. But the thing I present to the world the most, is how I look. It's the first thing people see, in person. It's the cute picture I put up of myself on Facebook. It's the majority of what people look at on my dating profile sites.

    So, if I'm putting it out there, it stands to reason that that's what people will see in me primarily, and possibly why I get bored of me when they find out my quirks and that I don't look so great first thing in the morning.

    I see the trend in most of my good-looking friends too. Either they're clinically single, they hop from boyfriend to boyfriend, or their long term relationship includes some sort of on the side deal (something I'm not necessarily opposed to, but certainly not something I'm seeking out.)

    I don't know what the answer is. Do people in long term relationships just settle? Or are they presenting more than just the physical that attracts people who are looking for more than that? Are all good-looking people always just looking for the next best thing? Or have they just gotten used to a pattern of in-and-out relationships that it's hard to break?

    Any thoughts?



    Oh man! I totally think about this often and believe this to be "true" to many extents.


    Firstly i believe that when you are considered as Generally attractive.. meaning more people find you attractive than not attractive.. then you can kind of coast on that... and be "These are my looks.. they open doors for me.. i must keep them up." But the thinking homo will at some point question the realness of that. Yes, eventually your looks will fall short of meeting every requirement to hold a decent relationship that MOVES through time. Most guys who just rest on their looks and do not develop anything further than just looking attractive will experience a period in tehir chosen relationship or before it has even begun where the honeymoon period is over ad what is left isn't enough to keep that relationship sustained.


    Working with that.. If you are shallow.. of course the things that you are looking for in your perfect partner are not going to indicate who they are going to be to you in a long term sense. If you are looking at their bank account, muscles, the prettiness of their friends, and houses and whiteness of teeth.. you can not access who that person REALLY is because all that shit goes away.


    And lastly if you are attractive, you are often bombarded with people who want to to be with you because you are...well... attractive. They view you for sex..and it's disconcerting trying to discern whether someone is into you because you Appear attractive to them or ARE ATTRACTIVE to them..and there is a defining difference indeed. Of course, you will end up kissing tons of frogs who get bored with you easily and this wanes on your self esteem and sense of self and trust in anyone.. you do not trust people and become a bitter queen. This is how they hot ones are born.

    I think it requires a great deal of being conscious of yourself and your patterns to attempt to not fall in line with this. It requires honesty above all else with yourself...brutal self honesty not many are capable of.
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    Jul 29, 2012 10:58 PM GMT
    I replied prematurely by accident. read above.
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    Jul 29, 2012 11:01 PM GMT
    Long term relationships are a good deal of hard work, though I would guess that the majority of people think it's going to be relatively easy. So if you're a good-looking guy and you think it's going to be easy, but the going gets tough, wouldn't it make sense just to dump the guy and try with someone else?
  • Kyboy270

    Posts: 30

    Jul 29, 2012 11:50 PM GMT
    Guynextdoor mentioned goodlooking homebodies...i smiled when i read that as i certainly know a couple. its funny to hear them talk about their disdain for clubs and crowds as i think to myself, "boy if i looked like you i would be out every night."

    My guy and I are both pretty average I guess, but we have common interests and thats what drew us together. It seems to me that a guy you meet on the basis of common interest is going to have more possibilities that one you meet because of his amazing pic on grindr.
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    Jul 29, 2012 11:56 PM GMT
    I was in a 10 year Relationship so I guess all my suspensions are confirmed IM UGLY! Ive only had One guy contact me on here that I am even remotely interested in......icon_rolleyes.gif The rest i have talked with seem like Dicks to be honest...
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    Jul 30, 2012 12:02 AM GMT
    I think there are unrealistic expectations about what a relationship is supposed to be. I think a lot of people don't really know what it's supposed to be about and that is a partnership. I am the kind of guy who would commit to someone and, no matter what, remain committed to him. If he gets fat or scrawny - so be it. His looks are not priority number 1. That being said, I myself have succumb to the expectation that I should have muscles and be hot 100% of the time. As a result I have attracted the opposite kinds of guys I want. Antoine St. Exupery's famous quote, "love does not consist of gazing into each other's eyes, but in looking outward together in the same direction" is something to really sit and think about.
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    Jul 30, 2012 12:06 AM GMT
    i think its a simple case of more choice, more choosey...

    the more options open to you the less you will value each option on its individual merit, why would you?

    certainly in my case, when i was skinny and pretty, i was hounded by men, just endless pickup attempts. since i got bigger and uglier, i attract less and less men. i am happily in a relationship, so it is of less importance to me, but especially when i am bulking i get very few advances, after cutting its all flattery and proposals lol.

    but yea the more you can have the more you want essentially is my point, so people will have to stand out from a larger crowd to grab you in a meningful way.
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    Jul 30, 2012 12:19 AM GMT
    I came up with a similar theory. I have a friend who is, um, not very attractive and neither is her husband of 5 years. I went to HS with them when they first got together. I always figured they'd stick together because they don't hav that "I can have another you in a minute" mentality.

    That's just one example, of course.
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    Jul 30, 2012 12:43 AM GMT
    The question I'm considering... is there a point when our [inflated?] self-perception causes us to hold others to unrealistic standards?


    100% for sure! and BTW i know im not ugly that was a joke.I just got told today i look like a young james dean!icon_lol.gif
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    Jul 30, 2012 12:50 AM GMT
    This boils down to the question I keep asking people (both on and off line):

    Why the fuck would you put all the time and effort into achieving a great body if you're looking for a relationship with only one guy? The whole idea of being ripped is to be admired by MANY...not just one.

    After all, no matter how ripped you are, age will eventually strip that away. If you're naive enough to think that "Mr. Right" will still love you when you're old and ugly, think again. It ain't gonna happen.
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    Jul 30, 2012 12:52 AM GMT
    TheGuyNextDoor saidThis is a cycle that you, and only YOU can break. My BF and I don't look anything alike. Not even the same age.
    What we do have is some really great things in common.
    There's a deep respect and love between us. He's not all that Goo-Goo over me and wanting to show me off to anyone and I love that about him.

    When it comes to good looking gay men, there's Showgirls and there's homebodies.
    One party's all the time and the other is more of an old soul that likes the one-on-one of a long term relationship. Sometimes if you'll leave your crowd and create a small crowd of 2... just you and your man, things can right themselves.


    Nicely put.
  • Litmop

    Posts: 78

    Jul 30, 2012 12:54 AM GMT
    Dude, you're still in your 20s. Don't over analyze things, you will settle down when you meet someone you want to settle down with.
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    Jul 30, 2012 2:01 AM GMT
    I'm not sure if I want to chalk it up to my looks, but people do seem to be surprised when I say I don't have many prospects. I am picky, but only because I do want something more substantial than a random hookup.

    Shrug. It can be looks or a combination of other things. You'll never know, just get out there.
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    Jul 30, 2012 2:51 AM GMT
    I 100% agree with closer85!...
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    Jul 30, 2012 3:41 AM GMT
    I didn't look at the OP's profile until now... yeah.. he's exceptionally attractive.

    Being attractive has drawbacks...as many as not being attractive. I often think people who are not "attractive" (i mean having the traits that we generally associate with attraction..muscle.. a clear face...strong features... between ages 21 and 40) have room to kind of move without having to think of other shit, like "does this guy want to just fuck.. or get to know me?" "Can i keep him after he finds out who i really am"... where attractiveness acts as a cloud.

    It's disconcerting.You never really find out what your real worth is until your looks kind of fade or you work very hard to obscure that you might be physically appealing but you have a lt more to offer than being "a hot piece of ass". Discussing such is difficult because it sound ridiculous.. like a billionaire bitching about being a billionaire.. but i bet that billionaire wonders who he really is the his friends constantly.
  • dancedancekj

    Posts: 1761

    Jul 30, 2012 3:46 AM GMT
    MuchoMasQueMusculo said

    It's probably a combination of men's innate obsession with physical beauty, sort of in a way that straight men seek in females. Only with gay men, not only do they seek it out but they know they have to develop it in themselves to attract a mate. But there's not much else I find that gay men do to develop their inner selves. It's mostly drugs, nightclubs, focus on high paying jobs to be able to afford high end tangible acquisitions, sex and the gym. With a gay man's attention on those things there's not much time or energy left to focus on much else. But what I find what happens is that these men who 'had it all' see it gradually slip away when their youth fades. I tend to wonder, are they more mature because they're in their forties/fifties and are now looking for "more" or is it simply because they're not as hot as they were when they were twenty-five and simply can't command the level of attention they could years ago? Maybe it's a combination of both.


    While I agree with you that a lot of gay men have a surprising lack of substance beyond their physical appearance (not all) it appears that even the ones that cultivate a sense of identity beyond their physical appearance still have the same issues.
    I know several awesome gay dudes who still are tragically single despite being great people. Some are super attractive, others are more homely appearing, and there doesn't appear to be any correlation between attractiveness and being in a relationship from my small and anecdotal observations.
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    Jul 30, 2012 3:49 AM GMT
    I miss LTR's... I wish I was someone's personal choice... after they get know me... and if they can get passed the people in my life... icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Jul 30, 2012 3:54 AM GMT
    I've already told myself that I want my next boyfriend to be average looking. icon_lol.gif
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    Jul 30, 2012 3:58 AM GMT
    dancedancekj said
    MuchoMasQueMusculo said

    It's probably a combination of men's innate obsession with physical beauty, sort of in a way that straight men seek in females. Only with gay men, not only do they seek it out but they know they have to develop it in themselves to attract a mate. But there's not much else I find that gay men do to develop their inner selves. It's mostly drugs, nightclubs, focus on high paying jobs to be able to afford high end tangible acquisitions, sex and the gym. With a gay man's attention on those things there's not much time or energy left to focus on much else. But what I find what happens is that these men who 'had it all' see it gradually slip away when their youth fades. I tend to wonder, are they more mature because they're in their forties/fifties and are now looking for "more" or is it simply because they're not as hot as they were when they were twenty-five and simply can't command the level of attention they could years ago? Maybe it's a combination of both.


    While I agree with you that a lot of gay men have a surprising lack of substance beyond their physical appearance (not all) it appears that even the ones that cultivate a sense of identity beyond their physical appearance still have the same issues.
    I know several awesome gay dudes who still are tragically single despite being great people. Some are super attractive, others are more homely appearing, and there doesn't appear to be any correlation between attractiveness and being in a relationship from my small and anecdotal observations.


    I agree with this. I often observe that a great deal of the guys in long term relationships are in nasty turbulent ones.. ones that don't last long..and they are on to the next... Or they are in relationships that last long but they are held together by really negative dynamics (such as one guy has a substance abuse problem and is a hell raiser and the other one is content with being the "mommy"/"daddy" figure and with cleaning up his partners messes... thus they WORK well because they compliment each others neurosis. It is FAR better to be alone and have casual dating that last years, in my opinion.. than sign on to a ship that is destined to sink or that runs on baggage. I think relationships that work really well are almost like lottery winning... where you can actually find your match.. whoever you are.. not impossible to win the lottery but you gotta play in order to get the cance to have the opportunity to land the partner that you can spend a huge chunk of your life with and grow with. Some men underestimate the challenges. We're not hetero women.. we can't get banged and knocked up and then just watch all the pieces come together out of obligation on the mans part.

    I once knew a guy who in my youthier youth (19) told me that ugly men were gold. However horrible that is... he had a slight point.

    He also said you should always "marry the person you love the least"... he's now married to an old white guy with cancer, waiting for him to drop.
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    Jul 30, 2012 3:58 AM GMT
    You've been single for 6 years? All I know is that there are lots of really great guys out there. Either you need to give them a chance, or you're doing something that turns them off.
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    Jul 30, 2012 3:58 AM GMT
    TheLetterD saidI've already told myself that I want my next boyfriend to be average looking. icon_lol.gif


    Gee, that's going to make him feel special.
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    Jul 30, 2012 4:00 AM GMT
    huhwhat said
    TheLetterD saidI've already told myself that I want my next boyfriend to be average looking. icon_lol.gif


    Gee, that's going to make him feel special.


    He won't know that I think he's average looking. If he has the right personality, I'm sure that a 7 will look like a 10 to me. icon_wink.gif

    Besides, with an average looking guy, I won't have to worry about people hitting on him when he goes out with friends or having to worry about trusting him. The more attractive your boyfriend, the less trust you have.
    icon_lol.gif
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    Jul 30, 2012 4:10 AM GMT
    I do know several outlandishly good-looking men (and women) that are in long-term same-sex relationships. They key seems to be that they chose (or accepted) their partner without much regard for looks. They know they can have anyone, so they use their "purchasing power" to find the best person to live with. Often that's not the hottest guy, but the best provider, the funniest person, the most stable, or whatever else they feel they need.
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    Jul 30, 2012 4:12 AM GMT
    TheLetterD said
    huhwhat said
    TheLetterD saidI've already told myself that I want my next boyfriend to be average looking. icon_lol.gif


    Gee, that's going to make him feel special.


    He won't know that I think he's average looking. If he has the right personality, I'm sure that a 7 will look like a 10 to me. icon_wink.gif

    Besides, with an average looking guy, I won't have to worry about people hitting on him when he goes out with friends or having to worry about trusting him. The more attractive your boyfriend, the less trust you have.
    icon_lol.gif


    Dude, I just hope he never reads this post LOL. Awkward..