Gay but married to a woman

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 30, 2012 10:14 AM GMT
    Hi, people. I'm 32 and I'm gay but I still got married 12 years ago to my high school sweetheart. I just told her the truth about myself yesterday. She took it pretty well but I wonder what the future holds.

    This morning I looked for a gay internet forum to start talking to other gay men since I don't actually know any. Unlike a lot of other men I've read about in my situation, I've never experimented or stepped out on my wife. I found this site and I am hoping it ends up being informative and friendly. I'm not a jock but I do love to run.

    My wife and I have a 6 year old boy but I think we can end up as great friends and co-parents even though I know how badly I have hurt her and I know she did not deserve it and I am struggling with now accepting who I am for the first time in my life and also feeling like I ruined our marriage and failed us.

    Anyway, on the positive side, I am pretty excited about starting this next chapter of my life where I can tell people who I really am and I can maybe someday be romantically involved with a guy.

    Have a good day!
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    Jul 30, 2012 10:55 AM GMT
    Good for you,just make the divorce quick and easy,so that both of u and ur wife can start a new life eventhough u guys no longer on the same path,oh yes,welcome to rj.icon_lol.gif
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    Jul 30, 2012 11:00 AM GMT
    Did she know?
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    Jul 30, 2012 11:16 AM GMT
    I avoided the girlfriend/wife scenario although when I was young I was headed in that direction. I stayed in the closet until I was about 27, then I jumped into all the sex first. I suggest taking your time with that part because men can easily become play toys and soldiers with some unknown wrath at the same time. I guess it's because of the importance of relationship principles although I ended up with HIV/AIDS before ever really having that opportunity to find what relationships are all about. It's a risky world! So my suggestion again, take it slow and get to know people just as you would your friends; this will allow you some time to get a feel for who you want to be in terms of moral standards. I found switching from women to men meant a whole new set of moral standards. Maybe that was just me, but it's just my opinion anyways... Peace.icon_wink.gif
  • kemoze

    Posts: 390

    Jul 30, 2012 11:17 AM GMT
    Dude I don't know what to say.. But do you really want to put an end to this marriage to date guys. How about your son. I just hope you find the good guy and have a great time. Why don't you try the gay scene before divorce maybe you won't like it. Your talking about your family and high school sweetheart. You live together since a decate maybe. Rethink and take this step carefully
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    Jul 30, 2012 11:19 AM GMT
    kemoze saidDude I don't know what to say.. But do you really want to put an end to this marriage to date guys. How about your son. I just hope you find the good guy and have a great time. Why don't you try the gay scene before divorce maybe you won't like it. Your talking about your family and high school sweetheart. You live together since a decate maybe. Rethink and take this step carefully


    I'm SOOO glad someone had the guts to bring this up. Good man!!! Good man.icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jul 30, 2012 11:24 AM GMT
    I do agree with the views but once someone is married to Girlfriend one should think again before dating boys , I mean you may not like it or you may be just fantasizing about guys and in that case don't go for divorce , You just keep on doing that while continue as a noble husband. Why the child should suffer?
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    Jul 30, 2012 11:25 AM GMT
    Congratulations Marcus. That's a tough, brave thing to do. You and your wife and your son will all be much better for it.
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Jul 30, 2012 11:33 AM GMT
    My advice is to take your time to be reflective and learn about yourself as a gay man before throwing yourself into the fray of gay sex/dating/relationships.

    Just coming out of a marriage, you're likely to feel some self-doubt and even some self-hatred. Talking to a therapist can help you sort some of those feelings out. It won't be easy, but it's the start to a life of being true to yourself. Resist the urge to find a ready-made relationship to fill the empty space of the one that has just ended. It's not fair to you, nor to the prospective boyfriend. Get some experience under your belt as you consider what you want out of life. It won't materialize overnight.

    You're just 32, so plenty of great things to come your way. Good luck!
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    Jul 30, 2012 12:21 PM GMT
    You have come to the right place. Here you will find sane, normal gays with a myriad of backgrounds to give you feedback. There are gay fathers here aplenty. (How the hell you guys can fuck pusdy and not realize that you aren't having any fun us beyond me!)

    I would say don't shoulder all the blame for your situation. This may seem like a cliché but it is very true for gay guys who get married. Society's restrictions on gays and expectations for guys to behave in a heterosexual way played a large part in your decision to marry. Had you ( and all of us) grown up in a society where being gay was not treated any different than being straight, you could have expressed and experimented with your gay nature, the same way straight kids learn about themselves as they grow up.

    Yes, it is a shame that she is losing her husband and will have to start over. Tell her to take it up with the Christian fundamentalists and Republicans.

    On the bright side, you get to have a son out of all this travail. I am sure you will fulfill your obligations as a father.

    I am Caslon, member extraordinaire. You may not address me directly until you get a thousand posts. It's in the rules. Look it up. Unless you phrase you pathetic utterance as a prayer. Like" Oh, most merciful Caslon, from whom all goodness on RJ flows...etc, etc.

    Now, what would you like to know?
  • SwimBIkeRun94...

    Posts: 480

    Jul 30, 2012 12:42 PM GMT
    Congrats, I know it wasn't an easy thing to do, but in the long run the honesty will be appreciated.

    Before you go taking your shirt off and dancing around at a gay bar, you and your (ex)wife need to discuss what you feel is best for your son. Make sure you're both on the same page about the situation, what he should/shouldn't know, and most importantly, how you plan to raise him for the next 12-16 years. That is critical.

    It's pretty cool that your wife took it well, so again, make it known that you've been friends for the past 15 or so years, but this doesn't mean your relationship should fizzle away. I suspect the reason it took you this long was because you did love her and did not want to hurt her. If she were a total bitch, then you probably could have dropped the bomb 10 years ago.

    Bottom line, the focus is on your son and wife for now. Once you're in a good place with those two important elements of your life, then you can rock a speedo at your nearest pride celebration.
  • Vaughn

    Posts: 1880

    Jul 30, 2012 1:08 PM GMT
    I agree with your decision. Your responsibility lies with your child. Make sure your former wife and you see things mutually and that your child is cared for. The latter being the most important.
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    Jul 30, 2012 1:16 PM GMT
    jimzdc saidCongratulations Marcus. That's a tough, brave thing to do. You and your wife and your son will all be much better for it.

    I totally agree! Your a good man for never acting on your feelings while you were in the marriage - a temptation many others could not resist.
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    Jul 30, 2012 1:32 PM GMT
    kemoze saidDude I don't know what to say.. But do you really want to put an end to this marriage to date guys. How about your son. I just hope you find the good guy and have a great time. Why don't you try the gay scene before divorce maybe you won't like it. Your talking about your family and high school sweetheart. You live together since a decate maybe. Rethink and take this step carefully


    He has admitted to himself and to his wife that's he's gay. As such, "trying on" the "gay scene" and then finding he doesn't like it isn't going to make him any less gay than he was before. Given that, it's only fair that they end their marriage so that they can both find the companionship -- and passion -- they are entitled to, while continuing to effectively co-parent their son. They wouldn't be the first couple to do this, and they won't be the last.

    P.S. The "gay scene" isn't just about bars, bench presses & bath houses. It can include that -- if that's what you're into -- but it also includes things like sports teams, political activist groups, the arts (and not just musical theatre), professional organizations, and just about any hobby you can imagine...just like in the "straight scene".

    So to the O.P., it sounds like you know what you're doing. Stay focused on your son and doing what's best for ALL parties involved and you'll be fine icon_smile.gif
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    Jul 30, 2012 1:36 PM GMT
    kemoze saidDude I don't know what to say.. But do you really want to put an end to this marriage to date guys. How about your son. I just hope you find the good guy and have a great time. Why don't you try the gay scene before divorce maybe you won't like it. Your talking about your family and high school sweetheart. You live together since a decate maybe. Rethink and take this step carefully


    Depending on your wife you may be able to stay together an lead separate social lives. As many couples as there are is as many ways there are to be a couple. However, that said I don't recommend it. As someone who was in your shoes I know that lies have a way of eventually becoming known. Your son will eventually find out and feel lied to and cheated. My advice is to divorce as amicably as possible. My wife and I divorced and people have told me I am the happiest they have seen me in years now that I am no longer living a lie.

    E-mail me. I've been in this boat and have TONS of advise for you. I know what your future holds; I'm living it.

    Good Luck and welcome to the sunshine that is life out of the closet.
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    Jul 30, 2012 1:49 PM GMT
    I am so happy for you. Congrats. I just came out myself. I am really happy that you came out to your wife also. Just yesterday I kind of had to break it off with this man who has been a memeber on this site for five years. The dude is married to a woman and has two grown children, but he was on here chatting sexually about and with us guys. I felt guilty because if there was anyone who was getting the bad end of the game, it was his wife. Couldn't help but to picture her in turmoil asking herself while he's in the chat room "why doesn't my husband love me anymore," and just bawling her eyes out. I still feel a little bad about me ceasing communication with him but it is the classy thing to do. Shall not do that again. But anyway...

    BIG UPS TO YOU AND YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENT!!!icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jul 30, 2012 2:08 PM GMT
    First off, congrats to you on coming out to your wife and admitting who you are. That's a big step. Secondly, your wife took it well because she either had a feeling you were gay or she is just damn awesome and accepting of who you are and wants you to be happy with yourself. Either way it's a big kudos in your favor.

    There is not gay scene. The only scene that anyone deals with is living life and that's whatever you choose to make of it. I sincerely wish you the best in the next chapter of your life. :-)
  • Carlos654

    Posts: 3

    Jul 30, 2012 2:49 PM GMT
    I work in a place where I've met a bunch of old guys married, with children and still in the closet, which I think is a shame. Think about this. If you arent that athletic and good looking, you will have a hard time being gay, cause we are the most nasty superficial mothafs. A lot of guys are already sick with HIV cause the have no responsibility. In my home country the condom goes first always, when I came to states and decided to have sex, i realized they hate the condom, if they can avoid it they will. I of course dont go bareback and thats one other reason guys wont go out with me. See what im saying, you prob wont even like this gay world we have. It really sucks, if you just want to fuck with guys then, help yourself with a hooker, keep it in the low and go back to you home and be responsible for that child of yours. DONT RUIN WHAT YOU'VE ALREADY BUILT FOR WHAT YOUR DICK WANTS.
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    Jul 30, 2012 2:52 PM GMT
    Congratulations..!! well the good part here is...the wife will also get to lead her life and have smone who is really into her in all ways that a boyfriend/husband can be.....she deserves that too..
    and the best part..both of you are young , so its not that u lost a lifetime living a lie and so did your wife as has been the case with sm posts here....
    ofcourse nothing is easy....and this transition shall be difficult....the only thing that concerns me is...if you decide to be active in the gay scene..it might be difficult if that facet comes face to face with your son, specially if you end up being nearby in the same city as your wife and son...i mean all living in the same vicinty, same group of common friends etc. 6 is a little too young to comprehend why his parents are getting divorced and the reason that actually is.....so...you might have to think about that...and do you want to disclose the real reason to everyone or to whom..?


    i was wondering though...married at 20...even straight guys don't do that anymore..
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    Jul 30, 2012 3:29 PM GMT
    I kind of agree with the above posters. Being gay can be really hard and especially for gay men having a LTR is very difficult and the whole gay lifestyle can be very superficial, shallow and materialistic.

    I am not trying to be rude and I can't tell you what to do, but if I was in your shoes I would tell your wife that you have same sex attractions and it something that you need to address and work through.

    You should tell your wife you love her and your son, and keep in mind that most families love eachother unconditionally.

    Being gay is very hard. If you don't look like a bodybuilder, have a 10 inch cock and once you no longer in your 20s, not many guys want you. Most will just want to fuck you , use you and abuse you. I am sorry to say it like that but its the truth.

    If I was you I would just stay married and be there for your son until he is older and then you should just take some time to see if you really want to leave your wife or stay and work out your marraige.

    Be careful and don't get jaded by empty hook ups, one night stands and the loneliness that many (but not all) gay men face.

    You should really take some time to seriously consider your options and evaluate what you really want out of life. icon_cool.gif
  • Kipstrdl

    Posts: 162

    Jul 30, 2012 3:32 PM GMT
    The thought of being with a sexy man can be arousing. I don't know your exact situation, but at some point you were attracted to your wife enough to make a baby. No matter who you find yourself attracted to in life, if you are lucky enough to begin a relationship with that person and spend years together, the novelty will eventually wear off. Relationships evolve and require communication and a maintained emotional bond in order to keep each other sexually satisfied. This is true whether gay or straight. When you get to a lull, you can either try to work it out or chase after the next thing that gets your dick hard. Good luck with your choices.
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    Jul 30, 2012 3:35 PM GMT
    Hey. There isn't any blame here. "how badly I've hurt her" doesn't compute. You've been hurt too, by other people's expectations of you. By society's expectations as well.

    Don't come at this as a situation you created or something you've done "wrong". You're just finally accepting yourself and overcoming the things your family, religion, and culture has done to you.

    Welcome brother.

    ONE OF US! ONE OF US!
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    Jul 30, 2012 3:38 PM GMT
    Daas saidHey. There isn't any blame here. "how badly I've hurt her" doesn't compute. You've been hurt too, by other people's expectations of you. By society's expectations as well.

    Don't come at this as a situation you created or something you've done "wrong". You're just finally accepting yourself and overcoming the things your family, religion, and culture has done to you.

    Welcome brother.

    ONE OF US! ONE OF US!
    Good post Daas. Can't be still my mind to write a supportive post on the topic... Good job!

    ONE OF US! ONE OF US!

    ONE OF US! ONE OF US!

    ONE OF US! ONE OF US!
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    Jul 30, 2012 3:48 PM GMT
    Carlos654 saidI work in a place where I've met a bunch of old guys married, with children and still in the closet, which I think is a shame. Think about this. If you arent that athletic and good looking, you will have a hard time being gay, cause we are the most nasty superficial mothafs. A lot of guys are already sick with HIV cause the have no responsibility. In my home country the condom goes first always, when I came to states and decided to have sex, i realized they hate the condom, if they can avoid it they will. I of course dont go bareback and thats one other reason guys wont go out with me. See what im saying, you prob wont even like this gay world we have. It really sucks, if you just want to fuck with guys then, help yourself with a hooker, keep it in the low and go back to you home and be responsible for that child of yours. DONT RUIN WHAT YOU'VE ALREADY BUILT FOR WHAT YOUR DICK WANTS.


    Worst advice I've seen so far.

    Bitter much?

    I never bareback and never had anyone refuse because I insisted they use a condom. Now I ave turned guys down because they wanted me to bareback them. I figure if they don't respect theselves they will never respect me and my health.
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    Jul 30, 2012 3:53 PM GMT
    actually i kinda agree with Carlos except for the HIV part. I have lots of responsibilities icon_smile.gif