A first timer...any advice?

  • ALj20

    Posts: 7

    Jul 30, 2012 11:16 AM GMT
    Hi icon_smile.gif

    Being 20 and all, I'm aware that I can be considered a "late bloomer" in terms of relationships but yeah I might need your help/advice. I keep asking a friend of mine, but she's not really an expert at this and keeps saying to me that a guy-guy relationship can be different to a guy-girl relationship.

    But yeah I met this guy off grindr - same age as me (and I know that grindr can be pretty dodgy at times) more than a month ago I think. We've been exchanging messages back and forth (nothing sexual though, I swear! icon_razz.gif) and he also gave me his number and from then on we started texting. From the way he talks and answers things, I know that it's one of those rare people you meet in grindr that are actually there genuinely for friendship or a relationship.

    We are both looking for a ltr and after a bit of messaging back and forth, we did eventually meet 3 weeks ago. During the actual meeting (or I don't even know if I should call it a date really) there were some awkward moments, but then again, it was the first time someone asked me out so it was just expected. There were eye contact moments too and that smile when our eyes meet then we casually look away. It was something I enjoyed (who wouldn't? icon_razz.gif). We then hung out 2 more times just recently. The first one, I invited him to go to this cafe (knowing he likes Spanish culture, I brought him there icon_biggrin.gif) and paid for the things we got, we talked a bit more and by the end of the night, I asked him for a kiss in the cheek which he agreed on (he did admit it caught him off guard, but he was cool with it). Later that night, I thanked him for the time he spent with me, and he said that I'm a pretty decent guy and that if it was possible, that I would still catch up with him even when uni starts, that's when I said that I liked him too and yeah...

    On the 3rd time we met, it was more of a relaxed meeting and I was there with him primarily to help him with something. We went to the same cafe we went to and he paid for it (just like what I did the last time) and by the end of the day in as much as I wanted to kiss him again on the cheek, it might be really awkward, though he was kinda prepared for it (body language wise), we just smiled at each other. Texted him the night after and asked him if he was a romantic guy to which he replied "Yeah I see myself someone doing that with, but with someone I'm in love with or starting to fall in love with"

    He's a busy guy, working full time and is almost like the 'father figure' in his family. There are times when he faces a problem with something, but since it's not my "genre" if you can say that, I feel like every time I help him, I feel like I'm more of a nuisance than being help at all.

    And this is where some things pop up that I need help in:

    The thing is, I really like him (like I already have feelings for him), and there will be times when we hang out that he shows some sign of it too. It feels like at the moment, he treats me as a friend (at least that's what I assume, hopefully not) while I treat him more as a best friend/more than a friend kind of thing already. Furthermore, in as much as I want to talk to him, it feels like I get too clingy already that I keep texting him (and note: in every convo we have, I am always the one starting it T_T) and expect that I get a text back immediately. There will also be times when I receive a reply for him that I don't know what to answer, so I just type in something randomly - making me feel like I'm irritating him by saying these patronising statements that makes me look like I should be the smarter one among both of us.

    But yeah, i want us to be more than friends, but I don't know how to show it to him. There are times when we meet that I just want to hold his hand or something, but I'm afraid he'll let go and I'll feel rejected or something. And since I felt like I'm being too clingy, I also decided to stop texting him, just for a day, or at least until he texts first...but I'm not sure if that was a good decision in my part icon_sad.gif

    I'm having this urge to just ask him how his day been, but I don't know if I should icon_sad.gif

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 30, 2012 12:20 PM GMT
    Wow ..you are a ball of nerves.! (so cute)...And i gotta' give it to you..you are doing things the old fashioned way which by my standards is awesome!!

    ....You are getting to know the guy, and hoping things will take a natural progression into some "Heavy Petting".

    ..So give him a chance to text first and when the conversation is right set up your next date..!..I believe if you two keep hanging out things will turn in your favor..
    Next time..when he comes in for that kiss..put it on his lips.!
    good luck..!

    ( I hope your day is going well..Feel free to txt me when you have some free time :-) ..)..This is what i text to ..open the door to a conversation..icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 30, 2012 2:45 PM GMT
    Don't sweat it---although I know this is easier said than done (trust me---I'm speaking from experience here!).

    I can obviously tell that you like the guy. And he definitely seems to be interested in you too. Is this the first time he's dating a guy? I went out with a guy a few times that had never been with another guy before and he exhibited some of the same behaviors as the guy you're seeing---i.e. treating me more like a friend but being somewhat interested in me (treating me to drinks, texting, talking about his personal life with me). It was almost as if he didn't know how to take the next step.

    You didn't mention whether or not you guys went beyond a peck on the cheek. Perhaps you could invite him over your place to watch a movie? That makes for a more intimate setting. Sitting next to each other on the couch . . . popcorn . . . maybe something more if he's into you? See how that goes.

    If he responds favorably to the movie idea, then that's a good sign. If he seems uncomfortable with it, that doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't like you, but he may not be ready for that step. And if he's not ready for that step, you might want to consider your own needs and figure out if you're willing to take things as slow as this guy wants to.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 30, 2012 3:06 PM GMT
    Stop Trolling... you wanna know why?
  • ALj20

    Posts: 7

    Jul 30, 2012 3:33 PM GMT
    anoxcu and me11 - thanks for the advice so far guys, especially to you me11 icon_biggrin.gif

    I'm kinda hesitant to bring up that topic of previous relationships, but the last time I brought it up he said that he was with an older guy (23) before, but it wasn't really a relationship, but more like friends with benefits...so in a way, I assume he hasn't dated many guys before.

    And unfortunately, no, we didn't go beyond a peck on the cheek...

    And yeah I was actually planning to ask him to go to the movies next time he has a day off, but I was leaning towards more on a walk on a nearby park (a big park though)...it's pretty quiet during the afternoon, and apart from taking photos of the surroundings (or him, **coughs** ;D), we can just talk and I might hold his hand or something...I don't know - or technically, I'm not sure what to do next icon_smile.gif

    And JR_RJ, I'm not trolling, nor do I even plan to troll - I just recently created this account (after stumbling upon this forum in google) in the assumption that people here has more experience and is capable of giving me a better advice for my dilemma icon_smile.gif
  • d694485

    Posts: 222

    Jul 30, 2012 3:36 PM GMT
    I don't have much to add, but I haven't been in a relationship before either. I hope this turns out well for you though icon_smile.gif
  • Fabio

    Posts: 18

    Jul 30, 2012 4:28 PM GMT

    I think you two guys can't make the first move.... At least you did your part...a movie at your place sounds good but you need to take t slow as you said, let him text you first.
    If not, ... Invite him over to watch a movie, the kind he likes and let thing goes the way it is supposed to... Let him do the first step... If he couldn't , the. You can try...

    You have to face it and see if there is bot about friendship only or more than that. So u dont have to spend all your days and nights thinking about it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 31, 2012 3:17 AM GMT
    I'd say go with the plan that you have as far as going to the park, etc. You have to go with what you're comfortable with. You should be proud of yourself---when I was your age, I was still in denial about my sexuality so I never even kissed a guy until I was 25. And remember---most importantly---if for some reason this doesn't work out---you are gaining a lot of experience that will come in handy in the future. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 01, 2012 10:35 PM GMT


    seriously that was the sweetest thing i have encountered on ANY gay website,forum.

    you are properly sweet.

    i have literally no advice other than just chill a bit and se where it goes. and pray that he reads this.

    im seriously mother henning right now.

    jesus if aaaawwww to myself one more time im gonna hve to face palm myself, or kick a puppy or something, just to return the man point balance my way a liitle.
  • ALj20

    Posts: 7

    Sep 23, 2012 6:28 AM GMT
    Ok, I think it's time for some update on this...though I still need help guys :S

    It's been 3 months already since the first time we met and we still continue meeting each other and going to places...but I'm more confused than ever

    We did eventually go to the park, and it did eventually come to a point where I did admit to him I liked him more than as a friend. He said he doesn't feel as strongly as I did during that time and he said that since it's my first time and all being with a guy, it's just normal for me to feel that way. He also told/hinted to me, "I'm not really leaving to go to a far away place yet, you know, so we can just be friends for a while and just see how it goes". He then proceeded asking me when I started getting the attraction to him and all...and towards the end of the night he told me that he's still stuck on the mindset of finding the perfect one, so he's not sure whether he should be on a relationship yet or something, which I acknowledged (although I took it pretty hard for a couple of days) since he has a lot of other priorities as well apart from a relationship...

    Fast forward to now. During the past week or so, I kinda brought up topics about sex and all (being a first timer, I was really curious) and it got to a point where he asked me if I wanted to go further than just a quick kiss on the cheek, to which I agreed on...so yeah during the past week or so, we got as far as 3rd base (I was euphoric, though I'd leave it at that 'cause I know it shouldn't really be a big deal icon_biggrin.gif)

    During the past 3 months, I'm getting to know him more and more and my feelings for him are still there, but not with desperation as I was before the time when I confessed to him…after confessing to him in the park and after the period of depression and all about that kind-of-rejection, I realised that I was going way too fast so I decided to take a step back and just be a good friend to him in the meanwhile…

    I'm still confused about 'us' though…everytime we go out, I'm not sure if it's just hanging out or if it's a date (note: if we go out, it's just us two) and I don't even know 'cause it seems like he sees me as a friend yet I see him as a date…and what confuses me further is if he sees me only as a friend, then why would he let me kiss him and touch him at the end of our date/meeting/hanging-out…

    I still have feelings for him and I think he's slowly getting there too (at least, that's what I'm seeing)…but after that failed confession, I'm really really really scared of asking him things, relationship-wise, or at least if we're even on a date or something. I'm scared because I feel like I'm already expecting that he'll say something I wouldn't be able to cope for a while, that is, he'd say no and that we're just friends forever…I guess I'm scared too because I feel like if I still don't act soon, he might eventually meet someone and I'll just be left on the sidelines (I admit I kinda get jealous at times T_T)

    What should I do? :-/
  • BarettaB80

    Posts: 141

    Sep 23, 2012 1:30 PM GMT
    ALj20 said...so yeah during the past week or so, we got as far as 3rd base (I was euphoric, though I'd leave it at that 'cause I know it shouldn't really be a big deal icon_biggrin.gif)


  • jwand09

    Posts: 91

    Sep 23, 2012 4:06 PM GMT
    Don't rush ur self keep learning this guy bc the way u talking u are really like him but the more u knw about him in the start the better ur off in the end....trust me I knw but I have fell in love wit someone to quick messes a lot of stuff in the end....keep playing ur cards and take ur time
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 23, 2012 10:08 PM GMT
    For now I would say stay friends and keep waiting. If he really likes you, he'll make a move, since he knows you like him. (Though getting to third base seems like he must really like youicon_twisted.gif )
    You could try bringing up "I met this guy and we're going on a date" and see how he takes it. If he thinks you're dating, he'll tell you, if not, then you're still in the friend zone.
    If you think he's the one, try waiting and seeing where things go. The closer you get as friends, the better a relationship will be from the start. He may also realize that all he wants from a partner is a best friend who he loves, and you seem to fit that description
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 23, 2012 10:45 PM GMT
    just stop thinking in terms, and think in action.
  • wellwell

    Posts: 2265

    Sep 23, 2012 10:53 PM GMT
    ...So, call him (don't text) to ask if he would like to meet you again @ the same cafe; so that, later that night you can stick your tongue in his ear . . .

    See if that does the trick, and remember the old adage:

    " When in doubt, whip it out. "
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 23, 2012 11:11 PM GMT
    i know how you feel and i wish you success ... in the same spot only your way further than me lol .. so my advice is take your time you have all th time in the world to get to know the guy take easy and turn up the flirt every once in a while icon_wink.gif