Chronically depressed.. . I haven't been this sad .. in years... .

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 30, 2012 12:27 PM GMT
    So I found out some rather outright gut-wrenching news earlier. One of my closest friend's and colleague's of eight years decided abruptly in what would seemingly be considered utterly out of left field ( at least at the surface, anyhow ) took it upon himself to end his life - by way of suicide - . As I'm typing this very moment in time, I barely have the strength in me to finish this very piece of writing. I am shuddering, empty, numb, hateful, bitter, and that doesn't even begin to scratch the surface in the untold and fervently inscrutable pain that has flooded and completely inundated my entire being!!! - My dear sweet Ashton: I gave you a considerable part of my heart/ of my life/ of my loyalty upon trust. You were a special guardian that I shared and confided things with that less than a handful of people will ever grow to know of me. Like you did with those who loved you more than you'll ever know, you also took a piece of me with you to your death. Never telling anyone W H Y or that there was truly something wrong!!! How dare you man... HOW DARE YOU!!! Soo fucking selfish!!!!.....


    icon_cry.gificon_cry.gificon_cry.gificon_cry.gificon_cry.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 30, 2012 12:39 PM GMT
    I wish I could ease your pain. Man, I am so sorry to hear about your friend. I don't know why people can't just trust that until it is truly your time to go that life can get better. I hope he finds what he is looking for and I hope that in spirit you can come to terms with unanswered questions. Peace.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 30, 2012 1:17 PM GMT
    Sustenance saidI wish I could ease your pain. Man, I am so sorry to hear about your friend. I don't know why people can't just trust that until it is truly your time to go that life can get better. I hope he finds what he is looking for and I hope that in spirit you can come to terms with unanswered questions. Peace.



    ^ Thank you man... icon_wink.gif For the sake of all of those he was dear to - including myself - I earnestly hope that's actually feasible in the long-term, seeing that there really isn't any other viable alternatives other than coming to terms with the lifelong variables he has undoubtedly left so many lives with .. ... . . icon_idea.gificon_exclaim.gificon_idea.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 30, 2012 3:20 PM GMT
    Echostaticspacebaby saidNever telling anyone W H Y or that there was truly something wrong!!! How dare you man... HOW DARE YOU!!! Soo fucking selfish!!!!.....

    Perhaps he wasn't in his right mind. Mental illness can grow for a while without it being outwardly obvious, until a tipping point is reached. And then things seem to get out of control all at once. And certain prescription psychotropic drugs, meant to control depression and mood swings, have been implicated in having the opposite effect in some individuals, leading to suicides.

    I can understand your loss. But taking it out on your late friend may be blaming him unfairly. Imagine how much pain HE must have been in, and how little control over his self-destructive reaction he may have had.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 30, 2012 3:27 PM GMT
    Sorry for your loss. Please feel better. Talk with and be with the people who care about you will ease this transition.

    Godspeed
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 30, 2012 3:48 PM GMT
    Peace be with you OP. And thank you so much for your post. Everyone at some point sinks to the depths of despair and hopelessness. Your words are a great reminder to us all that it really is worth it to keep going, to not give up.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 30, 2012 3:50 PM GMT
    Look you owe it to yourself to get help. Either go to a psychiatrist or ask your GP for an SSRI PLUS Aderal (sp?).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 30, 2012 3:51 PM GMT
    sorry for your loss. I had the same thing happen to my "best" friend a few years ago. I've been depressed for years, anxious, and on several medications so I understand where you're at. I was pissed at my friend too, but I guess he had alot more going on at the time than I realized. Nobody should feel so down that they want to end their life. There's nothing in life you can't get past and there's always new things and someone else to live for if you don't feel like being here for yourself.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 30, 2012 3:58 PM GMT
    Echostaticspacebaby said
    Sustenance saidI wish I could ease your pain. Man, I am so sorry to hear about your friend. I don't know why people can't just trust that until it is truly your time to go that life can get better. I hope he finds what he is looking for and I hope that in spirit you can come to terms with unanswered questions. Peace.



    ^ Thank you man... icon_wink.gif For the sake of all of those he was dear to - including myself - I earnestly hope that's actually feasible in the long-term, seeing that there really isn't any other viable alternatives in coming to terms with the lifelong variables he has undoubtedly left so many lives with .. ... . . icon_idea.gificon_exclaim.gificon_idea.gif



    Same thing happened to me except it was my best friend of 30+ years. No warning at all...... on the surface.... but these things don't happen without cause. After the initial crying period, I thank him every day cause it was a huge wake up call to clean up my act and delete all drugs and processed food from my life. Body chemistry rules everything and it's gets more critical with age .
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 30, 2012 4:06 PM GMT
    So sorry to hear that..!!
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jul 30, 2012 4:15 PM GMT
    Well let me say how sorry I am. I've never lost a close friend to something like suicide before. I can tell you are hurting and I'm sorry you are feeling this way.. believe me, I can feel how it must be.

    I strongly encourage you not to deal with this alone. Ashton must have had a number of friends. You need to reach out and share your grief, talk to those who knew him and express your grief. Ashton didn't confide in you about this.... don't make the same mistake he did, share how you feel with others.... like you are doing with us.

    Sorry again, I can only imagine! *hugs from Kansas*
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 30, 2012 4:28 PM GMT
    First, let me say how sorry I am for the lose of your friend. Second, give yourself time to grieve and feel all the emotions, anger, sadness etc. that people feel in such a tragic situation. In time, I hope the pain will lessen and you'll be left with happy memories of time you shared with your friend.
  • metta

    Posts: 39143

    Jul 30, 2012 4:48 PM GMT
    Horrible! I'm so sorry for your loss. Please know that your feelings are normal and that it takes time to work through them. If you feel that it may help, there are often times free bereavement groups that can help. Do a local search online to find a local one. Some hospitals offer this. Due to the side affects and how it can affect you over the long term, I would NOT recommend using the medicine route...it should only be used as a last resort. You might want to try to put some of that anger into your cardio workouts....but not into things that may harm you.

    Insight meditation can help to give yourself a break from these feelings. Very easy to do. Keep distractions to a minimum. Sit on a big pillow or on your bed, cross your knees to a comfortable position, sit up straight, close your eyes, inhale deeply and slowly, exhale deeply and slowly. Gradually, notice your breath going through all the different parts of your body....focus on your breath. When a thought of something else comes to your mind...acknowledge it...then let it go. Don't dwell on it. Go back to your breath. Just focus on your breath.

    I remember when my best friend died...I really did not think I would survive it at the time. The only music that I could handle listening to at the time was certain pieces of opera about love. I don't know why but that actually felt soothing sometimes. But it had to be the right pieces. I don't normally listen to very much opera.

    Please make sure to take good care of yourself.

    with metta...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 30, 2012 4:56 PM GMT
    Sorry for your loss.

    Take time to grieve, but also take time to understand. People who get to the point of suicide aren't thinking about anyone else. They're only thinking about themselves. Yes, it's selfish, but when you're in that state of anguish, the only thing that exists is the pain. The only thoughts going through that person's mind is whether they can survive through the pain any longer. Sometimes the person who commits suicide truly believes that what they are doing is actually a completely selfless act, in that they are no longer going to burden others.

    There is some solace to be taken in the fact that your friend is no longer in anguish, anguish that probably has lasted for a long time. Your friend hopefully has found the peace that he has been seeking and praying for a long time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 30, 2012 7:45 PM GMT

    You're totally right on all the way and you nailed it down bro, it is fucking selfish. I'm so sorry man, you know I'll always be there for you no matter what! You are in my constant thoughts and prayers dude.

    Hit me up when you can, you need to be surrounded by those who genuinely care and have love for you 100% .


    icon_smile.gif
  • vj2004t

    Posts: 203

    Jul 30, 2012 8:09 PM GMT
    Dude i feel the pain I lost a friend some 20 years ago. About every week i think about him, I loved him so much. Don't be angry with him evidently there was more pain in his life that he thought he could possibly handle and didn't know how to get help for it. Remember him as he was in the good days you will never forget him but your pain can be better than it is now.
    Second part seek professional help to help with the depression your going thru there are good drs. Therapist and meds for u. I at one time wanted to end my life too but I got the help that was needed and I made it thru ,u can too. Depression is such a horrible sickness of the mind just as bad as cancer is. I love life and proper help you can really live life to the fullest again. Val
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 30, 2012 9:33 PM GMT

    Thank you all wholeheartedly for all of the insightful feedback and heart-felt advice that was given, for it doesn't go unchecked. The responses have given me enough solace and ammunition I've needed to keep myself and others affected by this saga of a calamity at bay for the time being, and as of right now, the present / momentary survival in every conceivable way is all I can realistically handle/ or take on - if that makes any sense at all?

    God-bless you guys,and again - thank you for all the warm and touching thoughts / input - it truly spoke volumes germane to me wanting to prevail and pull through this inordinately tumultuous duration that will - by point of fact - have one exceedingly long shelf-life ... . . .


    You guys have a blessed and uplifting week ... ..


    icon_wink.gificon_wink.gificon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 31, 2012 12:02 AM GMT
    This happened with my cousin earlier this month. He took his life also and I am still in shock, grief, anger, denial and depression .mode over it.

    I am so sorry for your loss. I am going to grief counselling right now and it helps. I hope you seek help too. There is no shame in seeking help and we need to get rid of the stigma out there that getting help when depressed makes us weak or that only "crazy people" need that kind of help.

    We all need help once in a while. Life is hard.

    You are in my thoughts.

    David


  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 31, 2012 1:10 AM GMT
    The sad situation is that people who legitimately want to end their life have to do it in utter secrecy, for fear of being accused of "crying out for help". The police can and will lock a person up even if it's not a crime.

    Your friend may have desperately wanted to give you warning, but wasn't allowed to. Hopefully a note will turn up to give you some answers.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 31, 2012 1:12 AM GMT
    So sad to hear that news.May Our Lord give you the strength to get through this dark period.May your friend be at rest with the angels and the saints.Ryan
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 04, 2012 2:49 AM GMT


    Hey you guys:


    I jus' wanted to thank you all who wrote to me giving my support, advice, and comfort - regarding the loss of my friend earlier this week. I'm doing somewhat better now. - Yet I know I've got a long road ahead in emotional stability by way of healing as much as I can. The unique input and different perspectives that was offered did / and is still continuing to do a lot of good.


    ^ Again, thank you so much for all the touching cyber contributions.... .. .



    icon_wink.gificon_wink.gificon_wink.gif
  • metta

    Posts: 39143

    Aug 04, 2012 2:55 AM GMT
    Good to hear that you are ok.

    Thanks for the update!

    take care.....
  • rac4437

    Posts: 105

    Aug 04, 2012 3:13 AM GMT
    sashaman saidFirst, let me say how sorry I am for the lose of your friend. Second, give yourself time to grieve and feel all the emotions, anger, sadness etc. that people feel in such a tragic situation. In time, I hope the pain will lessen and you'll be left with happy memories of time you shared with your friend.
    Sashaman is right... I lost a friend in High School very dear to me... Felt I could never ever get over it? But w. Counseling & Meds I did... & above all dealing w. ur Grief... My Condolenses to U! icon_neutral.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 04, 2012 3:16 AM GMT
    JackBlair69 saidIn point of fact, this does not make you "chronically depressed." What you described seems situational.



    ^ I can see your view / or personalized vantage point - however; I do - by point of fact - believe that I most certainly was in a chronic state of depression man ...

    ^ Earlier in the week, I was emotionally in some rather dark corners of my mind - lock, stock, and barrelicon_exclaim.gificon_exclaim.gificon_exclaim.gif


    icon_idea.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 04, 2012 4:26 AM GMT
    I'm really happy to know that you are doing better now dude. Keep going strong bro, you will make it through!icon_biggrin.gif