I need some ex advice, please

  • jayatl56

    Posts: 463

    Jul 31, 2012 2:36 AM GMT
    My BF and I broke up 2 years ago after being together for 4 years. There's a 30 year age difference but we both thought it would work at the beginning although I had a strange feeling that someone with little to no experience might eventually get that itch.

    I knew something was going on as our physical/sex life was sliding. What was once an adventurous sex life moved to "I don't want to do that", "I'm tired", etc. The kissing disappeared and it became hum drum.

    Then he started going out "with former class mates". At first I figured he was because I knew some of them and he'd come home smelling like a bar but then his clothes didn't smell at all. He smelled clean when he came to bed but claimed he was in a no-smoking club (which if you know anything about Prague (where I lived) you'd know there's no such thing).

    Come to find out he was serial cheating and having sex with at least one of the guys because he went away with him for a long weekend (that's how it all came to light). He claimed he was just looking to widen his circle of friends and that there was nothing there. In the meantime, he lived in my condo and paid nothing for anything. I was the bread winner and never expected anything from him while he was working part time etc. And btw, that guy that he went away with and I happened to be on the same flight about a month after all of this and when you're on a ten hour flight, you talk. He told me that my ex told him we had broken up and he was living in the guest room until he found his own place. He said had he known all of this he would have never gone further with him - and he told me they did have sex.

    I threw Bf out but nothing ever really changed. I mean, we don't/didn't sleep together anymore nor did we have sex but he just didn't think that anything was so bad that we had to stop talking/seeing each other.

    Fast forward to today. I actually moved almost 5,000 miles away in part to get away from him. He was calling me everyday. We'd have breakfast every Saturday. He'd ask me to help me with buying a car. He'd ask me to go shopping for a new suite...and on and on. Now, even in another country, he still calls almost everyday. And to make matters worse, I'm still pining for him while he's obviously moved on and feels it ok to tell me about his holidays and the guys he met etc. I get emotional about it for some reason and I think it's because we never disconnected - at least I never disconnected. He just doesn't think anything is wrong and if I express any regrets or emotion he gets angry with me. At the same time, he's called and cried and told me he misses me and I for some strange and stupid reason thinks we might, some day, get back together.

    I've never felt so connected to anyone. On one side I KNOW that I should disconnect - delete the Facebook profile, delete his number etc. On the other hand I still care for him.

    What the hell is wrong with this picture? Any thoughts? Recommendations? Anyone else been in this situation. I"m thinking I really need a shrink to get all of this out of my system and move on.
  • Jerebear

    Posts: 329

    Jul 31, 2012 3:55 AM GMT
    The situation was so bad that you needed to move 5000 miles away?

    Delete everything, sever all ties, ignore/block every way to contact. Your time, energy, money and schedule is all yours! Enjoy your freedom, keep your state of mind in the moment, and the future, not the past.
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    Jul 31, 2012 3:57 AM GMT
    ^^^ The man speaks truth.
  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    Jul 31, 2012 4:04 AM GMT
    I'm sorry this guy is still leading you on, but please sever all ties with him or you'll never get over him. Go out, stay busy and enjoy life, but stop staying in contact with him or you'll be miserable.
  • LuckyGuyKC

    Posts: 2080

    Jul 31, 2012 4:07 AM GMT
    You need closure and distance (quit taking his calls) .... write him a letter telling him how his actions hurt you and then thank your lucky stars you left that cheating BF behind.

    You know you deserve or you would not have let him; so remember that every .... you deserve a committed and true man.

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    Jul 31, 2012 4:07 AM GMT
    Okay so not trying to be mr. negative but I think you should totally disconnect.
    You can tell him why you need to and then just do it and don't worry about it anymore.
    I think because of the age gap he's completely at a different place in life than you are (I'm presuming you're older than him) and so it might just be his young naivety as to why he really doesn't see what's wrong.
    That and he doesn't sound like a person who would be open to thinking or hearing why you feel that way you do (based from what he seems like from your description) so it's pointless at present time to expect decent closure from someone who seems more or less intrinsically self-absorbed (whether he is aware of that or not), in the sense that anything you try say he will just automatically make it about him (again he may be unaware he's like that, I don't know).

    So I think you're best bet is to find someone who wants similar goals and things as you do, and commonly (but not always) it's probably going to be someone closer to your age as the maturity level will be the major difference.
    Not that I'm saying there aren't younger people who are mature, it's just that the priorities in someone's life can vastly differ and change in 30 years so he seems like he's in a place where he might not be exactly sure how to define what he really wants.

    Hope this helps and I mean this in the kindest way possible. Sorry if it came across mean or disrespectful.
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    Jul 31, 2012 4:13 AM GMT

    Just want to make sure I understand your situation.....

    You were a mature man in your early 50s when you met a sexually inexperienced 21 year old boy. You gave him a free place to live and he paid for nothing. You lived together for a few years and eventually he went and had sex with someone else.


    Does that fairly accurately describe what transpired?
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    Jul 31, 2012 4:16 AM GMT
    It sounds as though he has been seeing you as a sort of father figure. You have been meeting for breakfast, car shopping for him, shopping for a "suite" and by that, I'm guessing a set of furniture. You have been there for him while he talks about his friends, his life, etc. It sounds like he wants you for a friend (and father figure, as I said above). I really don't see anything wrong with your being a father figure to him - - - - but only if that is what you wanted. You said you felt something still - for him (words similar to that) so it is for you to decide whether you want to totally disconnect - - - or keep in touch as just friends. Either way you go though, I'd like to see you meet some good guys and build a nice life here in the US for yourself.
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    Jul 31, 2012 10:30 AM GMT
    Your ex is using you, and you are perpetuating the situation. You want things to be how they were before he betrayed your trust, but that will never come back.

    Give yourself the gift of self respect and move on. Find someone who will treat you with the love and commitment that you deserve.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 31, 2012 11:09 AM GMT
    The posters above me are right...break all contact..!
    Do not take his calls..do not answer his e-mails..letters, post cards..etc.

    Reading your reactions to the breakup..you seem to be extremely passionate..and you are definately hurting..! I am sorry that all these things happened to you..But..you are a grown man..Grip life by the balls ..and move forward..!

    OP you are 55..you can't let an immature, heartless 25 y/o railroad your life..there are so many young guys out there that can apreciate a guy like you...!
    Hugz, Heal and Happy Hunting..icon_smile.gif

  • jayatl56

    Posts: 463

    Jul 31, 2012 12:10 PM GMT
    Thanks, guys. Everything said is what I know but I guess I don't want to admit. To tell the truth, I have tried disconnecting. I've deleted his FB account, Skype and asked him to stop contacting me. That lasted about a month then he was writing again.

    He was on holiday this last week and damaged his rental car. He called me to ask me what to do and how to handle it. I walked him through what to do and how to speak to the rental car company etc and since it was only scratches to the car's door I told him to find a parts store and buy some rubbing compound and try to buff out the scratches (he backed into a small parking space and hit the wall).

    In the meantime (I found this out later) he met some guy from Montreal and spent time with him. So why take my time when you have someone there who can give you advice?

    Then he gets back home and calls me telling me he's depressed being home. When I ask what's going on it comes out that he met this guy and it was like "a fairy tale holiday". Well, that hurt. He just doesn't get it. He thinks we parted ways and things are fine - no hurt feelings; just friendship now and all's well. I think he disconnected with me long before we actually broke up so it's easier for him to be friends. For me, I'm still pining.

    Anyway, thanks for the advice. Doing this is going to be difficult (now, don't laugh or yell at me). Since I moved back to the US he manages my things in Prague. I have a condo there which is rented and he takes care of it for me. I also still have a company which still files tax returns etc and he does that too (along with my accountant). I'd have to figure out who I could get to do all of these things but I'm sure I can manage it.
  • FireDoor211

    Posts: 1030

    Jul 31, 2012 12:20 PM GMT
    U guys are in a classic co-dependant relationship. It's in your personality to take care for another person, and it's his personality to need someone to take care of him. There is a such thing as a healthy level of co-dependance, but the thing that makes this bad is that he is abusing and taking unfair advantage of your care giving. U cannot resist helping, he cannot resist needing you. You need to cut this relationship off to save yourself from further heartache. You deserve to find someone you can take care if who will return that caring. Someone who is also virtuous and deserves what you have to offer. You are the only one who can give this to yourself.
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    Jul 31, 2012 3:34 PM GMT
    jayatl56 said



    Come to find out he was serial cheating and having sex with at least one of the guys because he went away with him for a long weekend (that's how it all came to light). He claimed he was just looking to widen his circle of friends and that there was nothing there. In the meantime, he lived in my condo and paid nothing for anything. I was the bread winner and never expected anything from him while he was working part time etc. And btw, that guy that he went away with and I happened to be on the same flight about a month after all of this and when you're on a ten hour flight, you talk. He told me that my ex told him we had broken up and he was living in the guest room until he found his own place. He said had he known all of this he would have never gone further with him - and he told me they did have sex.

    .

    Fast forward to today. I actually moved almost 5,000 miles away in part to get away from him. He was calling me everyday. We'd have breakfast every Saturday. He'd ask me to help me with buying a car. He'd ask me to go shopping for a new suite...and on and on. Now, even in another country, he still calls almost everyday. And to make matters worse, I'm still pining for him while he's obviously moved on and feels it ok to tell me about his holidays and the guys he met etc. I get emotional about it for some reason and I think it's because we never disconnected - at least I never disconnected. He just doesn't think anything is wrong and if I express any regrets or emotion he gets angry with me. At the same time, he's called and cried and told me he misses me and I for some strange and stupid reason thinks we might, some day, get back together.



    What the hell is wrong with this picture? Any thoughts? Recommendations? Anyone else been in this situation. I"m thinking I really need a shrink to get all of this out of my system and move on.


    i think i have found your problem sweet.

    the thing with age disparaged relationships, is you should treat them exactly like any other, i have been in two serious age difference relationships 20 years or so difference.

    you need to be aware that if you are paying for everything then you are choosing to make yourself vulnerable to users. and users after awhile become dependant on you hence the prolonged contact.

    im sorry you were so in love and heartbroken it is sad to read, but in my experience everything has to be equal within a certain tolerance. one of the reasons i like dating older men is that they are more likely to earn closer to my income, guys my age never do, and i want to experience nice things tigether, and live a certain liestyle. whoch would be unfair of me to invite them into knowing they couldnt afford to pay, and then resent them for relying on me and eventually expecting (understandably) me to treat them constantly.

    i think money unfortunately is a huge issue.certainly for me.
    i wish it wasnt

    hugs xx
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    Jul 31, 2012 3:50 PM GMT
    He's obviously using you and he knows he can get what he wants by messing with your feelings, he figured it out. Not healthy for you. Sorry you have to go thru this :/
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    Jul 31, 2012 4:10 PM GMT
    jayatl56 said He called me to ask me what to do and how to handle it. I walked him through what to do and how to speak to the rental car company etc


    So why are you making it easy for him to get in touch with you? If it is easy to get help from you he will keep coming back for more.

    You need to stop enabling him if you want to get over and move on.
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    Jul 31, 2012 4:27 PM GMT
    Jerebear saidThe situation was so bad that you needed to move 5000 miles away?

    Delete everything, sever all ties, ignore/block every way to contact. Your time, energy, money and schedule is all yours! Enjoy your freedom, keep your state of mind in the moment, and the future, not the past.

    Exactly this.
    The ex is always an ex for a very good reason, you have one of those lying cheating scummy exes that I have read about so often on this very site. Ban him, block him, cut him off and never allow him to find your email, phone or any way to contact you. He continues to use you and for whatever sick reason, you like that.
    Cut him off and spend the money you would have wasted on the loser ex on a very good therapist.
  • bigking

    Posts: 4

    Jul 31, 2012 4:34 PM GMT
    what's a sad storyicon_sad.gif
    Hope you can move on, be stronger !!
    And you yrself firsticon_neutral.gif
  • jayatl56

    Posts: 463

    Jul 31, 2012 5:11 PM GMT
    The good thing is the money stopped. The sad thing is that he worked for me and when I told him I was laying everyone (3 people) off because work dried up he took it personally and yelled at me about not having money now to pay his own rent, buy his own car, etc. It really wasn't personal; it was just unfortunate timing. Talk about being a narcissistic fuck wad! But goofy me even found him another job (a company which I helped the owner organize before I moved) which he (ex) still has now.

    Thanks again guys. This vent has really helped a lot.