Secrets, Mistrust & Jealousy: Toxic Combination

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 31, 2012 4:43 AM GMT
    I've been in a relationship with another man for the past 2 months. We are the same age (late 30s) and had an instant attraction when we met. It was one of those relationships that began instantly from the moment we started speaking. During the first 1-2 weeks of our relationship my boyfriend-to-be pursued me with great intensity - more so than anyone has in my entire life. For sure, I totally fell for him and within 2-3 weeks, he moved in with me. I've never ever done that before.

    We have been living together for the past 5-6 weeks now. Physically and sexually, we have a very productive relationship. We have sex daily and there has no been change in that aspect of our relationship. It's pretty clear to me, however, that my BF is not in love with me and in this regard there is a great imbalance in our r/ship. That intense romanticism that characterized the first couple of weeks in our r/ship has disappeared. I feel like he has power over me because he knows I have an emotional attachment to him. But what about his attachment & loyalty to me?

    At least 5 times now when we have had disagreements about some issue the argument has ended in him saying he was leaving the relationship. He has never followed through on this and after the roller-coaster of emotion passes we move beyond it and continue as though nothing happened. But, for sure, these incidents have taken a toll on me and I think that he uses my attachment to him as a way to manipulate me during these disagreements.

    Recently I've started feeling insecure in the relationship and doubting of his loyalty to me. These feelings haven't come out of nowhere and have been triggered by various things he has done which have made me question if he has been sexually and romantically faithful to me. For example:

    (1) On one occasion he received a phone call late in the evening (11.30pm) and told me he had to go the ER to assist an elderly friend who doesn't speak English (and who speaks the same first language as my BF). This in itself didn't concern me - what concerned me was that he didn't home that night and was unavailable by phone from 2am to 9am. He later said he was with the friend in the ER the entire night and that he turned his phone off to save charge. The red flag was though that he never bothered to tell me he was turning the phone off and never confirmed with me that he arrived at the hospital nor told me which hospital his friend was supposedly at.

    (2) On a recent visit to a nightclub we were having a good time dancing together for a couple of hours when he started speaking to a couple of guys that were standing next to us. Not before long he was being particularly friendly with one of these guys. It wasn't someone who I would normally have thought was his type of guy. But he ended up exchanging numbers with this guy - right in front of me - claiming he was going to set him up with a friend of his (a friend he doesn't even like). I saw him send a text to this guy in the club and when I went to read the text in his phone (it was in his hand), he deleted the message before I could read it fully. He later said the other guy wanted a 3-some with us. Not surprisingly, the entire incident infuriated me and we ended up going home.

    (3) He chats on a regular basis online with a list of guys he has met over the years through various websites. He is not originally from the USA and English is not his first language, so I can understand the concept of having friends around the world and wanting to connect with people. But I suspect that the vast majority of the guys he speaks with are guys he has connected with via gay websites that have nothing to do with "friendship" and everything to do with sexual flirtation. While he may not meet these people in person, it makes me wonder how serious he can be about a 1:1 r/ship with me when he is maintaining these kinds of associations.

    Honestly, I am a pretty reasonable person and don't automatically assume the worst in people. But after these few incidents (which I have outlined above), the cloud of doubt has set in and I now feel like I am sinking in a dark ocean of jealousy and mistrust. I previously spent 5 years in a r/ship (2005-2010) with someone who was not faithful to me and who cheated on me multiple times. I eventually ended that r/ship. I am anxious about repeating the same pattern and becoming emotionally and sexually entangled with someone who will never be faithful nor completely honest with me.

    Anyone have any ideas about how to deal with mistrust and jealousy and if these can ever be eradicated once they've sit in? Or do you sense enough from what I have written that I should be exiting this r/ship right now?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 31, 2012 4:47 AM GMT
    The thread title reminds me of politics.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 31, 2012 4:57 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidThe thread title reminds me of politics.


    Sadly, the content is as dysfunctional as politics also.
  • demasi

    Posts: 76

    Jul 31, 2012 12:00 PM GMT
    Exit exit exit but then again you probably won't because your an idiot.
    You let him move in when you barely knew him.
    The feelings were fizzling within weeks.
    You expected to feel love within months (love is an act of the will fyi),

    You're already seeing red flags of trust and loyalty issues.
    Also language barriers are NEVER an excuse for poor behaviour.

    Get the fuck out now. Cut all ties and in 2 weeks time don't feel like you're missing him and run back. It's only going to get worse.....
  • demasi

    Posts: 76

    Jul 31, 2012 12:05 PM GMT
    Also looking at your other posts ....you're a 35 year old man...you need to pull your head in because you have a history of making really really poor choices when it comes to guys.

    Get a brain
  • Trepeat

    Posts: 546

    Jul 31, 2012 7:21 PM GMT
    Pack his shit for him and leave it on the porch.

    You'll be thankful in retrospective that you got to deal the final blow and leave this thing with some dignity, without becoming his bitch.

    He's lying, he's fucking around, he's playing you and he doesn't give a shit. Be the man here.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 31, 2012 7:29 PM GMT
    With everything you just said GET OUT NOW i was with someone for 10 years and it was just toxic as hell just GET OUT NOW!!! please trust me with this even though you dont know me all those things you said while i was reading them I was thinking my GOD!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 31, 2012 7:38 PM GMT
    It sounds like you don't trust him.

    If that's the case you're better off cutting him loose
  • davidsticky69

    Posts: 412

    Aug 01, 2012 5:24 PM GMT
    I am sorry for the plight you are in right now.
    I agree with other posts on here that there are way too many red flags for you to carry on with this relationship.
    Nothing hurts more than infidelity, especially when you are one of those who emotionally invest a great deal into a relationship (me too)
    Get out as fast as you can so you can at least save yourself from the accumulating backlash.

    All the best!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 01, 2012 5:38 PM GMT
    Forgive my bluntness but only an idiot or a lesbian lol moves in with someone after 2 months of knowing them.I think a child would know better.Dump his ass and never move in with someone again unless you date them exclusively for a year or more.