Giving up sex for love.......

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    Aug 11, 2008 8:28 AM GMT
    So after a few failed relationships( well not really failed they were good for a while and almost all relationships at my age end up as failed ones because no one my age settles down) and a couple of times of having a fuck buddy I have decided to give up sex and only make love. Sex is fun.... but meaningless and never compares to making love with someone. Yes it can be great sex and can be very excited but at the end I always feel empty. So I am not going to even fool around with someone till I find love again because no one "needs sex". So am I crazy or has other people tried this?
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    Aug 11, 2008 9:21 AM GMT
    Yes, but it is very hard to do since most gay guys I met when single expected sex within the first couple of dates. Like taking a new car out for a test drive before deciding to buy it.

    Maybe that is why I would sometimes go several months at a time without having sex with someone.

    Like you I never liked the feelings after the sex was over. Also the complications of whether to exchange phone #s, and if you did whether to call the guy.

    I felt the only way I would ever settle down with someone was to know them as a friend first then start dating them. I was right, my partner and I knew each other for 15 months before dating.
  • reload16

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    Aug 11, 2008 9:37 AM GMT
    ItsMyLife saidSo after a few failed relationships( well not really failed they were good for a while and almost all relationships at my age end up as failed ones because no one my age settles down) and a couple of times of having a fuck buddy I have decided to give up sex and only make love. Sex is fun.... but meaningless and never compares to making love with someone. Yes it can be great sex and can be very excited but at the end I always feel empty. So I am not going to even fool around with someone till I find love again because no one "needs sex". So am I crazy or has other people tried this?



    I completely agree with you. I also feel empty after meaningless sex. Unfortunately it is very hard to find love and guys that want to make love. Most are too impatient to wait icon_evil.gif
  • GQjock

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    Aug 11, 2008 9:39 AM GMT
    Seems like there's a bit of cutting ones nose to spite ones face going on here
    Why would you want to deprive yourself of something like sex?
    It sounds like you're misinterpreting why you're having sex in the first place
    a little honesty with yourself will pay big dividends
    don't have sex... so someone will like you
    don't have sex because you need to feel close to someone
    and don't have sex to make someone want to have a relationship with you
    Out of a relationship sex is sex and should be treated as such
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    Aug 11, 2008 9:48 AM GMT
    GQjock saidSeems like there's a bit of cutting ones nose to spite ones face going on here
    Why would you want to deprive yourself of something like sex?
    It sounds like you're misinterpreting why you're having sex in the first place
    a little honesty with yourself will pay big dividends
    don't have sex... so someone will like you
    don't have sex because you need to feel close to someone
    and don't have sex to make someone want to have a relationship with you
    Out of a relationship sex is sex and should be treated as such



    You could be right about interpreting the reasons why I am having sex at first it was for some kind of human contact, then it was for loneliness, and then physical. The last two times was just for sex and had no emotional reasons attached.... but I think the reason why I wanted to stop was because I felt myself becoming less of a hopeless romantic and I didn't want to loose that part of me
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    Aug 11, 2008 1:59 PM GMT


    Wow and wow. I doff my hat to you, ItsMyLife. I've always made love. Bill's always been that way too. When we met, then, it was like the attraction of magnets or planets. There was no denying the gravitational pull.

    Sex while single? Of course! But, if it was just sex and no feelings, we both found our hands were better than the knowledge of a stranger. Heheh. The first safe sex, eh?

    Sure, we had sexual encounters while single, some pretty fast, but the INTENT behind them was romantic.

    When we met, we had no sex the first week or so, then eased into it, so most of the time we walked around with our hair standing on end from excitement. Or on fire.

    Neither of us put down or think less of anyone that wants to just have sex. There are millions that prefer it, and all the more power to them for finding their Happy this way. Many don't need nor thrive in our kind of relationship, so that's fine.

    For those that do though, we are out and open about ours (relationship) as we feel there are many who WOULD like to exist as we do, but feel it doesn't happen. We'd be the proof that it can and does. There are many other couples on here like this, too.

    -Doug
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    Aug 11, 2008 2:11 PM GMT
    sex is a meaningless act. It only has meaning if you ascribe meaning to it. Even if you find the love of your life (one of many) sex will not always be a magical, dewy act with choirs of angels singing.

    Enjoy the meaningless act and put meaning to it when you can. Relax. Enjoy.
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    Aug 11, 2008 2:14 PM GMT


    Dear god, you hear angels?
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    Aug 11, 2008 2:18 PM GMT
    usually Debbie Harry, but angels sometimes too.
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    Aug 11, 2008 2:21 PM GMT
    I can have sex with myself at any time. Love takes two.
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    Aug 11, 2008 2:36 PM GMT
    Whereas I agree with GQ and Munch, I can understand your dilemma.

    A person with whom you are going to have sex is someone that you are attracted to and are going to emotionally hope to be that prospective long term partner.

    If you are finding that that emotional let-down after sex is greater than the pleasure of having sex with someone, then by all means, stop having sex with every guy who is the least bit physically attractive to you.

    Practice a little self-gratification to keep Mr Happy from controlling your life. Give a good wank (or 2 or 3) before you go out, so that you can practice a little control. Whack off before that first date, so that your hormone level isnt so fucking high that you cant resist fucking him no matter what...until he gets a bit more emotionally attached too.

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    Aug 11, 2008 2:59 PM GMT
    Do whatchu want man and hope it works out the way you want it too! Oh yeah, good luck with that!
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    Aug 11, 2008 3:35 PM GMT
    I think that's a fantastic idea man. If you are feeling empty after the sex then to me it seems you are truly wanting something more. It is so easy to get laid these days but how does anyone expect to find true love when they are always just on the prowl to get off with a different guy every week. I say you already are telling yourself the right thing to do, for you at least and personally I am glad to see a younger man thinking this way. You go boy, tehehe.
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    Aug 11, 2008 3:49 PM GMT
    I want sex nao.

    Damn, being a virgin suxx.
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    Aug 11, 2008 4:53 PM GMT
    MunchingZombie saidsex is a meaningless act. It only has meaning if you ascribe meaning to it. Even if you find the love of your life (one of many) sex will not always be a magical, dewy act with choirs of angels singing.

    Enjoy the meaningless act and put meaning to it when you can. Relax. Enjoy.


    For me, even casual sex, changed me to a slight extent. Maybe I'm too sensitive! icon_lol.gif I just have always had difficulty separating my emotions from something as intimate as sex.

    I remember the last time I had sex in a bathhouse. After I had sex with this guy who was in his late 20's or early 30's, he started getting emotional because he wanted to see me again, and I said, "sorry but I only came here for sex" (I thought that was the one advantage of a bathhouse, no emotional scenes afterwards). But I felt so bad at the time I never went to one again.

    BTW MZ you might here Debby Harry, others hear angels, knowing my luck I would hear Eminem or Motley Crue!
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    Aug 11, 2008 5:52 PM GMT
    ItsMyLife saidbecause no one "needs sex".


    I recently read a good article regarding that idea. The person being interview said

    "Sex for me is like cake and ice cream. Your body can be hungry for food, but you can get nourished without the cake and ice cream. I think real nourishment, what humans can't live without, is physical affection -- to touch and be touched -- and I do satisfy that need."

    I don't think you're crazy. I've been doing the same myself. Good luck on finding love again icon_smile.gif


    Here's the whole article if you want to read it.
    http://www.gay.com/news/roundups/package.html?coll=news_feature&sernum=5854&navpath=/channels/health/mental/&page=1
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    Aug 11, 2008 5:53 PM GMT
    You're not crazy at all. If you feel this is the way you want to approach all that then go for it. There is no set rule in this area. Just make sure you are happy with it.



    The only problem I've seen with holding off physical intimacy for love is that sometimes in our quest for love we romanticize things a bit fast to justify getting intimate physically. It might scare someone off.

    I hate to say it, but sometimes someone might even stick around for a second or third or fourth date just to get to the physical part and once that happens they disappear and the person who thought it was headed towards love says.. What the fuck? I thought we had something going on here? We made love damn it!

    In a way it's like holding the term "love" hostage. Like saying.. Well, I'll sleep with ya but only if you love me.

    However, if this new choice really works for you then apply it and see what happens. You may end up saying.. DAMN, but he said he loved me and still end up single after making love.

    There is an alternative choice to all of this. Instead of waiting to have sex until there is love, you can always hold off sex for a few dates so that even if it doesn't turn out to be love when that moment happens it may be pretty special with someone you took the time to get to know a little bit better and then it won't feel like "meaningless" sex.
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    Aug 11, 2008 6:03 PM GMT
    I think that's the biggest problem: different agendas. I suppose that if 2 guys are just (and truly) looking for casual sex that things work out. But if one isn't, then it's a recipe for trouble.

    Be yourself. If it's not for you, it's not for you.
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    Aug 11, 2008 7:03 PM GMT
    I've known many other people who do not have sex unless there is love behind it. If it's right for you and it works, then my best goes out to you.
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    Aug 11, 2008 7:10 PM GMT
    I'd like to have this life outlook too, but then, you get horny and it fails...miserably. If I waited for love to hookup, I'd never get any.

    Although I've hooked up with some really hot and interesting boys, and no matter how strong the attraction, how much we had in common...we never hang out or talk again after the encounter.

    If I run into a guy I hooked up with, it's always very awkward and neither of us knows what to say. I'm kind of tired of that kind of thing but have no clue how to escape it.

    I think it's an age thing, but sometimes, I just really want someone to cuddle with, go to the gym with, hold hands, etc. Getting off with random guys who you never talk to again...just doesn't do it for me anymore.
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    Aug 11, 2008 7:57 PM GMT
    I often find that good things are not achieved by the denial of other good things.
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    Aug 11, 2008 8:10 PM GMT
    RunintheCity saidI often find that good things are not achieved by the denial of other good things.


    EXACTLY

    icon_cool.gif
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    Aug 11, 2008 8:17 PM GMT
    Try no sex at all and no masturbation.

    Then you will feel why we are compelled to share our love.
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    Aug 11, 2008 8:41 PM GMT
    Hooking up means nothing, that's why it's tiresome. It's the same faces at the same clubs and fuck that shit, I want somethin real for once.

    I'm sick of hooks, and when a guy my age tells me he's dated a guy for more than a week, I'm utterly amazed. I mean, how does that work?

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    Aug 11, 2008 9:05 PM GMT
    neverfollow86 said when a guy my age tells me he's dated a guy for more than a week, I'm utterly amazed. I mean, how does that work?


    Patience, self-control, and compromise.