Told Straight Best Friend I am + and he's angry with me.

  • newstats

    Posts: 7

    Aug 02, 2012 6:33 PM GMT
    I just found out I am HIV positive 2 weeks ago. It happened in April when I was out of the country. I was safe. We both used condoms but his broke. It was a random date that unexpectedly led to sex.

    I feel angry, stupid, embarrassed, afraid and sometime bewildered. I am in an open relationship. It's ok for me to hook up when out of the country. I informed my partner immediately upon getting my results. He responded with compassion and support. He wants to help me deal with my new condition. He is being awesome.

    My best friend who is straight thinks he is being supportive but is not. I never wanted to tell him. He knew something was up and forced me to. I couldn't lie to him about it. The thing is, his dad is living with AIDS for 30 years. So he has a lot familiarity with it but has "certain feelings" about it. When i first told him he was drunk and flipped out. He cried and screamed. He was really dramatic. It seemed more about him then me. I knew things would change and that he would feel uncomfortable around me. I told him this is why I didn't want him to know. This happened last Friday. We work out together and things feel strained. He will usually call me but hasn't since finding out. When i pointed it out to him he said, "Now that you're HIV positive I have to call you everyday?" I replied No. He did call me back and talked with to me until 1am about some stuff I was feeling.

    We worked out today and he told me he was angry that I let this happen. I told him I took precautions and he was angry that I even engaged in anal sex. I can understand that as I don't normally but I just wanted to with this person and we were safe!

    After our workout we usually hangout and eat but he was dismissive today. I wish I hadn't invited him over last Friday.

    I wish he could be more supportive. I don't plan on revealing this to anymore people.
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    Aug 02, 2012 9:27 PM GMT
    Give him time. You're his best friend and he's already had 30 years of stress and fear with his father. Now he's going to relive it with you. I can understand why he flipped out a bit and is having a difficult time. His anger might be heightened by the fact that this can be so avoidable. Maybe he's not believing you that you practiced safely and your sex partner's condom broke?
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    Aug 02, 2012 9:34 PM GMT
    newstats saidI just found out I am HIV positive 2 weeks ago. It happened in April when I was out of the country. I was safe. We both used condoms but his broke. It was a random date that unexpectedly led to sex.

    I feel angry, stupid, embarrassed, afraid and sometime bewildered. I am in an open relationship. It's ok for me to hook up when out of the country. I informed my partner immediately upon getting my results. He responded with compassion and support. He wants to help me deal with my new condition. He is being awesome.

    My best friend who is straight thinks he is being supportive but is not. I never wanted to tell him. He knew something was up and forced me to. I couldn't lie to him about it. The thing is, his dad is living with AIDS for 30 years. So he has a lot familiarity with it but has "certain feelings" about it. When i first told him he was drunk and flipped out. He cried and screamed. He was really dramatic. It seemed more about him then me. I knew things would change and that he would feel uncomfortable around me. I told him this is why I didn't want him to know. This happened last Friday. We work out together and things feel strained. He will usually call me but hasn't since finding out. When i pointed it out to him he said, "Now that you're HIV positive I have to call you everyday?" I replied No. He did call me back and talked with to me until 1am about some stuff I was feeling.

    We worked out today and he told me he was angry that I let this happen. I told him I took precautions and he was angry that I even engaged in anal sex. I can understand that as I don't normally but I just wanted to with this person and we were safe!

    After our workout we usually hangout and eat but he was dismissive today. I wish I hadn't invited him over last Friday.

    I wish he could be more supportive. I don't plan on revealing this to anymore people.


    Man...that's really rough. icon_sad.gif This is partly why I haven't told any of my straight guy friends yet...granted I'm not positive but still.

    There's not much I can say but give him time. If he got that mad, then he clearly cares for you deeply. He sounds like a really good friend. Don't let that one go.
  • grinderboy69

    Posts: 2

    Aug 02, 2012 9:37 PM GMT
    hey its a shame when yourfreinds wont eben support you even after you told him you used protection
    be strong my freind and msg me anytime i have two freinds livinv witj hiv i can be suporte when ican chin up im suee he'll get over 8t if he's a trye freind
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 02, 2012 9:48 PM GMT
    Your friend sounds like he hasn't quite come to terms about his fathers HIV. I can understand how tumultuous things must be for you right now. Great that the bf is supportive. Hopefully your friend will come around.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Aug 02, 2012 9:48 PM GMT
    cool fake profile
  • newstats

    Posts: 7

    Aug 03, 2012 12:51 AM GMT
    We hung out again today. He's having a hard time because he recently broke up with his girl friend. She blew him off and he called me to hangout. Usually I am a source of support for him. I don't feel that way now. I feel like a source of stress for him. I think I should give him space. He has a performance on Sunday that I was going to go to but I think I should stay away until our next scheduled training session.

    It was kind of weird. The whole time he spoke only of himself. I just added filler. It was like he was trying to avoid me talking about my condition. I just wanted to hangout. I wasn't looking to vent.
    I am committed to not pass this on to anyone else. I have no problem with a healthy life style, exercise w/ supplements and medication. Finding holistic ways to boost my immune system. I do this now minus the meds. I understand it is not a condition to be taken lightly. I do not. And I will not let it diminish me.

    What can I say to comfort my friend? Should I say anything? I love him so much and feel like shit for bringing this into his life again.
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    Aug 03, 2012 4:30 AM GMT
    newstats saidWe hung out again today. He's having a hard time because he recently broke up with his girl friend. She blew him off and he called me to hangout. Usually I am a source of support for him. I don't feel that way now. I feel like a source of stress for him. I think I should give him space. He has a performance on Sunday that I was going to go to but I think I should stay away until our next scheduled training session.

    It was kind of weird. The whole time he spoke only of himself. I just added filler. It was like he was trying to avoid me talking about my condition. I just wanted to hangout. I wasn't looking to vent.
    I am committed to not pass this on to anyone else. I have no problem with a healthy life style, exercise w/ supplements and medication. Finding holistic ways to boost my immune system. I do this now minus the meds. I understand it is not a condition to be taken lightly. I do not. And I will not let it diminish me.

    What can I say to comfort my friend? Should I say anything? I love him so much and feel like shit for bringing this into his life again.


    Honestly, I think you should focus on yourself more and not worry so much about him. Maybe it's just me but I think HIV is a tad bit more stressful than a breakup...

    You are taking this EXTREMELY well. I think I would be pissed at the world if I were you. I mean talk about unlucky! Did you stay in contact w/ your hookup overseas? Did he KNOW he was poz and did he tell you before y'all hooked up?
  • newstats

    Posts: 7

    Aug 03, 2012 11:07 AM GMT
    active_athlete said
    newstats saidWe hung out again today. He's having a hard time because he recently broke up with his girl friend. She blew him off and he called me to hangout. Usually I am a source of support for him. I don't feel that way now. I feel like a source of stress for him. I think I should give him space. He has a performance on Sunday that I was going to go to but I think I should stay away until our next scheduled training session.

    It was kind of weird. The whole time he spoke only of himself. I just added filler. It was like he was trying to avoid me talking about my condition. I just wanted to hangout. I wasn't looking to vent.
    I am committed to not pass this on to anyone else. I have no problem with a healthy life style, exercise w/ supplements and medication. Finding holistic ways to boost my immune system. I do this now minus the meds. I understand it is not a condition to be taken lightly. I do not. And I will not let it diminish me.

    What can I say to comfort my friend? Should I say anything? I love him so much and feel like shit for bringing this into his life again.


    Honestly, I think you should focus on yourself more and not worry so much about him. Maybe it's just me but I think HIV is a tad bit more stressful than a breakup...

    You are taking this EXTREMELY well. I think I would be pissed at the world if I were you. I mean talk about unlucky! Did you stay in contact w/ your hookup overseas? Did he KNOW he was poz and did he tell you before y'all hooked up?


    Thanks. No he didn't tell me he was positive. I don't think he knew. I told him I was negative. I knew this because I was tested before I left the US. He said he was too. We both wore condoms but he had his own. I didn't think to give him one of mine. Stupid mistake I have to deal with for the rest of my life. Not much I can do about it now.

    I've been watching a lot of people get randomly shot and killed on the news. Some people get into accidents and are paralyzed for life for texting while driving.
    That's not me. I'm alive, healthy, strong and very agile. There's no reason for me not to take this well. It's how I am choosing to deal with it. I can control this as others have.

    I agree. I do need to start focusing on me.
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    Aug 03, 2012 11:29 AM GMT
    I've been lurking on here for a wihle now. Decided to say something.

    I too think you're handling this amazingly well. The response from your partner is great. Your straight buddy will come around. They have a great capacity for that. Give him time and don't try to explain anything to him right now. Maybe cut back on reaching out to him, but still do it.

    In the end, you really need to focus on yourself. If you're here and actively staying healthy, you're considerably ahead of the game.
  • FireDoor211

    Posts: 1030

    Aug 03, 2012 12:01 PM GMT
    Jesus, his father first and now his best friend? He's losing the 2 most important men in his life and he's not allowed to be angry? I would be furious if I were in his situation. I think you may be taking the anger too personally. He may be taking it out on you, but he's more angry with the disease. What man in his position wouldn't be?
    It's going to take time, I know it's been said, but it will. When you first find out someone you care about is afflicted with a disease like this you go through the same grieving stages that you do when someone actually dies. You need to let him go through them, and when he hits acceptance he'll be there for you more than ever.
    I'm no in any way saying this is not hard for you as well, or imply that you don't deserve the compassion of your best friend, but give him time to sort it out with himself, so that he can be there for you later.
    I wish you the best of luck.
  • newstats

    Posts: 7

    Aug 03, 2012 12:30 PM GMT
    FireDoor211 saidJesus, his father first and now his best friend? He's losing the 2 most important men in his life and he's not allowed to be angry? I would be furious if I were in his situation. I think you may be taking the anger too personally. He may be taking it out on you, but he's more angry with the disease. What man in his position wouldn't be?
    It's going to take time, I know it's been said, but it will. When you first find out someone you care about is afflicted with a disease like this you go through the same grieving stages that you do when someone actually dies. You need to let him go through them, and when he hits acceptance he'll be there for you more than ever.
    I'm no in any way saying this is not hard for you as well, or imply that you don't deserve the compassion of your best friend, but give him time to sort it out with himself, so that he can be there for you later.
    I wish you the best of luck.


    Thank you for this.
    And yes, he definitely has a right to be angry. I was angry.
    He's not losing me at all though.
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    Aug 03, 2012 12:33 PM GMT
    FireDoor211 said He's losing the 2 most important men in his life and he's not allowed to be angry?


    Lol, who said anything about losing anyone? reread maybe?
  • newstats

    Posts: 7

    Aug 03, 2012 1:10 PM GMT
    texasrunner2247 said
    FireDoor211 said He's losing the 2 most important men in his life and he's not allowed to be angry?


    Lol, who said anything about losing anyone? reread maybe?


    Very true! Thanks!
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    Aug 03, 2012 1:35 PM GMT
    You re friend always lived in fear that his Dad could die....He relied on you as a best friend but also for security. When you told him, you took that little bit of security away and he flipped.

    yeah, you are not leaving him, but the reality of HIV years ago was death at a moments notice. True HIV is not the death sentence it once was, but living with a parent who is here today and could be gone tomorrow is a habit that's hard to change

    Maybe try acknowledging that he may indeed feel less secure with your new status and refocus the relationship on making the most of the time you spend together

    Anyways, his anger only proves how much he values the relationship you have with him.

    Maybe introduce him to some of your friends to enlarge his circle of friends, so he can feel more secure.

    I am sorry for your diagnosis, and like others commend you on handling the news so well and having room to support your friend. Quite obviously he relied on you, and this may not have been obvious to you, but I am sure you are the type of person who supports all the people around you.

    You have a valuable relationship, and make sure you friend knows this and that you are not going to let ANYTHING interfere with your relationship with him.
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    Aug 03, 2012 1:42 PM GMT
    Write him a letter.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 03, 2012 1:45 PM GMT
    Your friend is probably remembering HIV/AIDS way back in the 1980s where there wasn't a whole lot of information, let alone compassion, for people who contracted it. Prejudice and fear were rampant, and some people were going to funerals every week for friends & loved ones. Thankfully times are different with the introduction of new meds & legislation to protect these individuals. When the time is right, you need to remind your friend of this. However, for the time being maybe you need to give him some space to adjust. Let him come to you when he's ready (as hard as it may be).

    And you have been handling this amazingly -- but don't let this prevent you from seeking out a local HIV/AIDS organization for support for both you AND your partner. Talking with people in the same situation can do you a world of good, in addition to becoming aware of resources you didn't know were available to you!

    Best of luck xo
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Aug 03, 2012 1:55 PM GMT
    I'm surprised so many responses are saying to give your friend time, and it's not his fault he's angry, and blah, blah. I think he sounds like he's being an insensitive asshole. If his dad has been poz for 30 years, why is he acting like you have a death sentence? To me it sounds more like he's judging you for having gay sex, even though somehow I doubt you would judge him if he got sick from straight sex. I wouldn't end the friendship over it, but if he walks away, or can't deal with emotions and get over it, then I wouldn't go out of your way for him. I know friendship is valuable, but if he's making you feel so bad for him you're afraid of losing him, then your friendship sounds one-sided. Meanwhile, your boyfriend sounds like a prince. Why not focus on that? Good luck.
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    Aug 03, 2012 2:04 PM GMT
    in relation to another recent topic, i made this observation

    3 conditions that may result as from behaviors are
    hiv infection,
    type2 diabetes and
    lung cancer....all from actions


    we all MUST eat, but we can be choose what we eat.

    sex is as normal a human function as any other....complete abstinence is the
    anomaly

    no one needs to smoke

    and yet, of those 3....no one ever developed type 2 diabetes or lung cancer from

    a single instance of behavior
    putting their faith in their partners behavior

    and yet, it's ok to agonize over hiv.... would he agonize over the idea that you might get ill if you were smoking or eating badly?

    it's the puritanical approach to sex that results in stigma behaviors

    the onus is on HIM to be a friend. not on you to prove you didn't do anything that people do everyday.
  • newstats

    Posts: 7

    Aug 03, 2012 2:16 PM GMT
    mtlswim saidYou re friend always lived in fear that his Dad could die....He relied on you as a best friend but also for security. When you told him, you took that little bit of security away and he flipped.

    yeah, you are not leaving him, but the reality of HIV years ago was death at a moments notice. True HIV is not the death sentence it once was, but living with a parent who is here today and could be gone tomorrow is a habit that's hard to change

    Maybe try acknowledging that he may indeed feel less secure with your new status and refocus the relationship on making the most of the time you spend together

    Anyways, his anger only proves how much he values the relationship you have with him.

    Maybe introduce him to some of your friends to enlarge his circle of friends, so he can feel more secure.

    I am sorry for your diagnosis, and like others commend you on handling the news so well and having room to support your friend. Quite obviously he relied on you, and this may not have been obvious to you, but I am sure you are the type of person who supports all the people around you.

    You have a valuable relationship, and make sure you friend knows this and that you are not going to let ANYTHING interfere with your relationship with him.


    Thank you.
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    Aug 03, 2012 4:33 PM GMT
    I know it may seem like he's not taking this well, but I think he is, considering he's been dealing with his dad's diagnosis. And if your friend is your age, he still remembers HIV as a death sentence. He might also feel like he's got to be the caretaker of not only one person but two now. So I think the more independent and happy you can be without him, the more it will take away a lot of that pressure and feelings of obligation. It's one thing to go to someone and offer to take care of them, but if he still sees this as a death sentence, he may feel like the role of caretaker is being thrown in his lap without any control over the situation. Which is why I think he asked you if he was going to have to call you every day now. I think he will be a good friend to you, but just give him some space and try not to act any differently, even if you have to put on an act for a while. And keep being open about your situation. Don't be concerned with other people's reaction. You are not responsible for that.

    NOT directed at the OP: I've made comments about how I feel it's important to talk about HIV status before having sex with someone in the forums here, and I always get blasted by others who say "you should be having safe sex anyway". No offense to the OP, but this is a prime example of why it's a good idea to talk about status before sex. If someone is unsure about their status, I probably wouldn't engage in sex, even with a condom. Although it's not foolproof (because people lie), It's just one more step in safety. However this in no way is said to make the OP feel guilty, because there really is no such thing as "safe" sex....only "safer" sex.
  • monstapex

    Posts: 478

    Aug 03, 2012 4:58 PM GMT
    HottJoe saidI'm surprised so many responses are saying to give your friend time, and it's not his fault he's angry, and blah, blah. I think he sounds like he's being an insensitive asshole. If his dad has been poz for 30 years, why is he acting like you have a death sentence? To me it sounds more like he's judging you for having gay sex, even though somehow I doubt you would judge him if he got sick from straight sex. I wouldn't end the friendship over it, but if he walks away, or can't deal with emotions and get over it, then I wouldn't go out of your way for him. I know friendship is valuable, but if he's making you feel so bad for him you're afraid of losing him, then your friendship sounds one-sided. Meanwhile, your boyfriend sounds like a prince. Why not focus on that? Good luck.



    He said his friend's dad has AIDS,which mean he's seen his dad on the brink of death a few times.Big difference than being just poz.
  • newstats

    Posts: 7

    Aug 03, 2012 5:39 PM GMT
    Scruffypup saidI know it may seem like he's not taking this well, but I think he is, considering he's been dealing with his dad's diagnosis. And if your friend is your age, he still remembers HIV as a death sentence. He might also feel like he's got to be the caretaker of not only one person but two now. So I think the more independent and happy you can be without him, the more it will take away a lot of that pressure and feelings of obligation. It's one thing to go to someone and offer to take care of them, but if he still sees this as a death sentence, he may feel like the role of caretaker is being thrown in his lap without any control over the situation. Which is why I think he asked you if he was going to have to call you every day now. I think he will be a good friend to you, but just give him some space and try not to act any differently, even if you have to put on an act for a while. And keep being open about your situation. Don't be concerned with other people's reaction. You are not responsible for that.

    NOT directed at the OP: I've made comments about how I feel it's important to talk about HIV status before having sex with someone in the forums here, and I always get blasted by others who say "you should be having safe sex anyway". No offense to the OP, but this is a prime example of why it's a good idea to talk about status before sex. If someone is unsure about their status, I probably wouldn't engage in sex, even with a condom. Although it's not foolproof (because people lie), It's just one more step in safety. However this in no way is said to make the OP feel guilty, because there really is no such thing as "safe" sex....only "safer" sex.


    What may further complicate the matter is he doesn't have a good relationship with his father. He was physically abusive to him as a child.
    I've decided to not call him for a while and let him come to me when he's ready. We do have scheduled training sessions and I will just be cool during those. I don't feel the need to talk with him about it while he's feeling uncomfortable with me.
    I reached out to another friend via skype who was awesome and supportive.

    I will go to my best friend's show on Sunday w/ my partner briefly so that he sees I came and then get out of town.

    You are right. Even if you have a prior discussion about status (which I distinctly did with this guy during dinner) people lie or don't know. It freaks me out to think this guy intentionally lied to me about his status even though we were being safe.
    Honestly, had he said he was positive or didn't know that would have broken the deal.

    BUT had I turned out to be negative and the condom still broke I would be looking back with fond memories instead of the horror I do now.
    That's partially why I can't remain angry or depressed. The other is I know I'm not going to die... from AIDS anyway.
  • FireDoor211

    Posts: 1030

    Aug 26, 2012 12:39 PM GMT
    newstats said
    FireDoor211 saidJesus, his father first and now his best friend? He's losing the 2 most important men in his life and he's not allowed to be angry? I would be furious if I were in his situation. I think you may be taking the anger too personally. He may be taking it out on you, but he's more angry with the disease. What man in his position wouldn't be?
    It's going to take time, I know it's been said, but it will. When you first find out someone you care about is afflicted with a disease like this you go through the same grieving stages that you do when someone actually dies. You need to let him go through them, and when he hits acceptance he'll be there for you more than ever.
    I'm no in any way saying this is not hard for you as well, or imply that you don't deserve the compassion of your best friend, but give him time to sort it out with himself, so that he can be there for you later.
    I wish you the best of luck.


    Thank you for this.
    And yes, he definitely has a right to be angry. I was angry.
    He's not losing me at all though.


    In his mind, it may feel this way though. Like I said, when someone u care for gets this kind of disease the tendency is to react as though they had actually died.
  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    Sep 26, 2012 2:33 AM GMT
    texasrunner2247 said
    FireDoor211 said He's losing the 2 most important men in his life and he's not allowed to be angry?


    Lol, who said anything about losing anyone? reread maybe?


    +1