Aug 03, 2012 5:08 AM GMT
I've gotten a nice clear view of the general consensus in the gay community when it comes to being HIV positive. People in the gay community cannot be helped and will stand by and watch each other suffer in order to satisfy their conscience. Sorry, but I am whining and I am doing so because I feel suddenly hurt again after putting my faith and trust into this community. It is not healthy and even if I were a muscular stud, I will have become one because of those outside the gay community that have inspired me. Gay people hate God, they hate honesty, they lack emotion, they cannot feel confidence without darwinistic motivations, relationships are all about sex, nobody cares about each others self esteem because deep down nobody has any. I have lived on the streets and found those down and out are more uplifting. In my opinion the whole damn community is crying deep down inside and I cannot understand right now why God has done this me. Why do I have this gift yet feel confined to being imprisoned in the gay community when I could just as well break some laws and receive the same suffering? I met one good person on this bulletin board who didn't feel sorry for me and I simply applaud him for that. I AM SICK AND FUCKING TIRED OF BEING FELT SORRY FOR AND THEN BEING SHUNNED LIKE I CAUSED YOU DISHARMONY BECAUSE OF IT!!!! I have never blamed nobody for my disease... NOBODY! I think it's time that I stop becoming curious about what is so special when it comes to the gay community because I don't fit in and never have. The reason I am writing this is because after already having tried out gay AA meetings and a host of other gay support groups, there is no hope in people looking at me as a person like they do when I go to straight support groups. I've done my best for God but I am tired of tippy toeing around issues that are not even mine anymore. I am tired of being somebody I am not. I am tired of getting very little satisfaction when it comes to loving a group of men in a brotherly manner only to find I feel like a fucking little girl crying to a damn hole in the wall. I come to this site and I know most of this place hasn't even got the guts to see half this place are in denial about this disease. I could scream this over and over again but this is not the kind of God's work I want to be doing. I have decided as of tomorrow I will nolonger be volunteering in the AIDS cause anymore. I would rather die than to see healthy men just shun brotherhood because they find the person weak. If I remain in this community much longer I am going to sacrifice my spirituality and clam up on the many straight men I come in contact with who do reach out in brotherly love. I cannot fight this war anymore. Peace.