Honest Opinion. Creative outlet.

  • Cole0505

    Posts: 70

    Aug 05, 2012 10:44 AM GMT
    Hey Whoever if anybody icon_smile.gif, I am in the mood for a creative outlet and so have decided to take up writing again. This is just an introduction piece and I expect it to come accross very high-school or poorly written as it has indeed been a while since I've written something properly.

    I am looking for feedback, on what I need to improve on mainly, I will be reading up on technique and skills but it would be good to get a human perspective on what I have to offer.

    So tell me what you think, serious or making fun any feedback is good feedback.


    A face as serious and discreet as the one I look into could never be justly described; it is a face that screams emotion not through its expression but through the cracks in demeanour. He has so much to feel but hides it behind a mask. A mask with a history; the lines of a smile dug deeply around the mouth and eyes,the heavy concavities of exhaustion falling into the cheeks as if deep basins built to capture the tears of frustration, anger and finally submission, and of course the thoughtful furrow of a brow sitting on top of those deep and mysterious discs that at times say so much but often become clouded and silent. Handsome as the face is, it is these cracks which leak the whispers of an ugly truth, a life beyond the time we’ve spent together and which he is keeping from me. A story he is unwilling to share.


    I myself am a story, though a less interesting and complicated version. Auburn hair brushes the tops of my ears, a gift from my father, passed down from our Irish heritage. Pleasant blue-green eyes sit behind trendy converse glasses, a gift from my mother, short-sightedness runs in the family. A slightly bulbous nose sits above a large mouth, and is probably the only thing me and my 3 brothers have in common. A long face ends in a well set jaw, hardened from years of frustrated grinding and concentrated clenching, and begins with a tall forehead set with 3 deep and worried lines that never seem to truly relax and waiver.


    We are a pair. Perhaps not a matching pair but a two people non-the-less joined through experience. His name for the sake of this writing shall be Evan and mine... well I have always liked the name Arthur.
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    Aug 05, 2012 11:58 AM GMT
    Could do with a few more strategically placed commas...!
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    Aug 05, 2012 11:59 AM GMT
    Wow, I'm not that much of an avid reader so my opinion it's probably crap but reading that just seemed very poetic to me.

    Cole0505
    A face as serious and discreet as the one I look into could never be justly described; it is a face that screams emotion not through its expression but through the cracks in demeanour. He has so much to feel but hides it behind a mask. A mask with a history; the lines of a smile dug deeply around the mouth and eyes,the heavy concavities of exhaustion falling into the cheeks as if deep basins built to capture the tears of frustration, anger and finally submission, and of course the thoughtful furrow of a brow sitting on top of those deep and mysterious discs that at times say so much but often become clouded and silent. Handsome as the face is, it is these cracks which leak the whispers of an ugly truth, a life beyond the time we’ve spent together and which he is keeping from me. A story he is unwilling to share.


    That there felt really poetic to me I don't know why or if I'm using the write word to describe what I'm trying to say but I liked it icon_smile.gif

    I won't be much help with grammar and all that but you should continue this story!

    Also, good on you for discovering/rekindling a creative outlet.
    I've just started one of my own too, probably not as cool as yours though and writing requires alot more thought, attention to detail, feeling, intelligence and just about everything since you're trying to convey emotions through words which is hard.
    There's no benefit of a vocal tone so you have to be particular with the words you use and how you put together sentences.

    You've set a really good challenge for yourself which is awesome!!
    It's cool because you can do it icon_biggrin.gif
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    Aug 05, 2012 12:50 PM GMT
    OP..you keep mentioning the word 'CracK'...!!
    Smoke much???
    Take a needle point class..would ya?
    That... or throat singing!...icon_razz.gif
    (it's not great but it's a start..keep writing)
  • Lincsbear

    Posts: 2605

    Aug 05, 2012 1:01 PM GMT
    Doing some writing myself, in a fantasy style.....

    Yours seems very literary, serious and heavy, but that may be your style. I`d recommend you do what I`m doing, keep writing and improving your craft; listening to others, but trying to find your unique voice. If you don`t already do so, start reading literature. That can often be the way to learn, even if you do tend to copy others` writings. We all begin by imitating that which we like. Then, if we have something to say, we find our own way.

    Best wishes!
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Aug 05, 2012 1:17 PM GMT
    honestly, it's cliche, wordy, and thinks it says something when it really isn't. this is the revised version.

    He has much to feel. I myself am a story though a less interesting one. We are a pair. Perhaps not a matching pair but a pair nonetheless. His name for the sake of this writing shall be Evan and mine... well I have always liked the name Arthur.
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    Aug 05, 2012 1:26 PM GMT
    wow ... goes to show how little I know.
    Don't worry all things are refined with time and practice icon_smile.gif
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    Aug 05, 2012 1:33 PM GMT
    I have to agree with Calibro. Blunt as he is, I can't argue with his critique. It has the feel of "It was a dark and stormy night....".

    Words are like paint on a canvas. As an artist, I have millions of color variations at my disposal, and yet I limit myself to only a few, because I know that using too many colors to paint a scene will only result in overkill. Words are the same way. Each time you use an unnecessary word, you've bored your audience a tiny bit more. So make sure each word has a important place in your writing.
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    Aug 05, 2012 2:35 PM GMT
    Man, that was too much. It's like an entire bottle of syrup on ONE pancake! Ugh.

    I definitely like calibro's version. Just enough detail to form a visual.

    Take a writing class and learn how to edit.
  • Cole0505

    Posts: 70

    Aug 05, 2012 2:58 PM GMT
    calibro saidhonestly, it's cliche, wordy, and thinks it says something when it really isn't. this is the revised version.

    He has much to feel. I myself am a story though a less interesting one. We are a pair. Perhaps not a matching pair but a pair nonetheless. His name for the sake of this writing shall be Evan and mine... well I have always liked the name Arthur.


    Well I meant it to be more like: He feels alot but won't let on/ he wont let me in. I was also attempting to give a visual description of the characters. Hence the extra writing. I think you oversummarised but I get your point about writing to much about nothing, still character description is something.

    Not going to go as far as cecilia dart-thornton but I am looking at writing a descriptive text.
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    Aug 05, 2012 3:06 PM GMT
    You're putting too much emphasis and emotion on facial features! Bah.

    Minimize the description and just tell the story.
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    Aug 05, 2012 3:08 PM GMT
    Maybe I'm weird but I liked the description of the face.
    I felt like I was learning about the character emotionally and physically, like a set up to give a basic preface of how the character would act and interact with people and his situations.
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    Aug 05, 2012 3:22 PM GMT
    I would take a remedial composition class. As a writer and editor, these things stand out:

    - pronoun usage
    - run on sentences
    - punctuation
    - paragraph structure and order

    You're onto an okay start, but don't start with an old paper. Work with new material that's fresh. If grading your submission, I would have given it a C+. Good luck.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Aug 05, 2012 4:32 PM GMT
    Cole0505 said
    calibro saidhonestly, it's cliche, wordy, and thinks it says something when it really isn't. this is the revised version.

    He has much to feel. I myself am a story though a less interesting one. We are a pair. Perhaps not a matching pair but a pair nonetheless. His name for the sake of this writing shall be Evan and mine... well I have always liked the name Arthur.


    Well I meant it to be more like: He feels alot but won't let on/ he wont let me in. I was also attempting to give a visual description of the characters. Hence the extra writing. I think you oversummarised but I get your point about writing to much about nothing, still character description is something.

    Not going to go as far as cecilia dart-thornton but I am looking at writing a descriptive text.


    It's an opening few paragraphs. who cares what you want? the story doesn't want it. what you're describing is the basis for an entire story, which should be done carefully over the length of the work. also, description doesn't work like that. your descriptions are pointless and general. character description is stupid: character development is vital. don't confuse one for doing the other.
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    Aug 05, 2012 4:33 PM GMT
    I'm Texan so I don't know how to read.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Aug 05, 2012 4:35 PM GMT
    msuNtx saidI'm Texan so I don't know how to read.


    that's not true. texans love signs they can put on their lawns and bumper stickers.
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    Aug 05, 2012 4:38 PM GMT
    calibro said
    msuNtx saidI'm Texan so I don't know how to read.


    that's not true. texans love signs they can put on their lawns and bumper stickers.


    NoOBAMA is the best we can come up with icon_eek.gif
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Aug 05, 2012 4:44 PM GMT
    msuNtx said
    calibro said
    msuNtx saidI'm Texan so I don't know how to read.


    that's not true. texans love signs they can put on their lawns and bumper stickers.


    NoOBAMA is the best we can come up with icon_eek.gif


    i don't know... i've seen "trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again, i will laugh" a few times
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    Aug 05, 2012 4:46 PM GMT
    Well This thread makes me feel like writing again.
    Thanks for the inspiration Gentlemen! icon_cool.gif
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    Aug 05, 2012 4:51 PM GMT
    To the OP;
    Read other people's books and decide if that's the kind of writing style you want to emulate( not copy!).
    If you want to write in a poignant, direct manner, I suggest reading Dry by Augusten Burroughs. And it's quite funny too. icon_smile.gif
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    Aug 05, 2012 7:55 PM GMT
    GigoloAssassin said To the OP;
    Read other people's books and decide if that's the kind of writing style you want to emulate( not copy!).
    If you want to write in a poignant, direct manner, I suggest reading Dry by Augusten Burroughs. And it's quite funny too. icon_smile.gif



    Oh my God, I LOVE that book. Running with Scissors is fantastic too.
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    Aug 05, 2012 8:26 PM GMT
    Never use numbers (3 lines...etc) in writing to describe numerical quantities. The only time you write a number is when describing an actual number somewhere ("inside cabinet 31 was her original head").

    Also your physical descriptions reminded me of gay erotic stories (e.g. "Though my dream stud at the gym was amazing, I'm not bad looking myself: green eyes, short sandy blonde hair, taut swimmer's build with defined abs and an abnormally long cock just past 8 inches").
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    Aug 05, 2012 8:48 PM GMT
    Scruffypup said
    GigoloAssassin said To the OP;
    Read other people's books and decide if that's the kind of writing style you want to emulate( not copy!).
    If you want to write in a poignant, direct manner, I suggest reading Dry by Augusten Burroughs. And it's quite funny too. icon_smile.gif



    Oh my God, I LOVE that book. Running with Scissors is fantastic too.


    I Know Right!
    I hope somebody makes Dry into a film.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Aug 05, 2012 9:48 PM GMT
    Ariodante saidNever use numbers (3 lines...etc) in writing to describe numerical quantities. The only time you write a number is when describing an actual number somewhere ("inside cabinet 31 was her original head").

    Also your physical descriptions reminded me of gay erotic stories (e.g. "Though my dream stud at the gym was amazing, I'm not bad looking myself: green eyes, short sandy blonde hair, taut swimmer's build with defined abs and an abnormally long cock just past 8 inches").


    let's tag team
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    Aug 05, 2012 10:05 PM GMT
    calibro said
    Cole0505 said
    calibro said character description is stupid: character development is vital. don't confuse one for doing the other.


    Ummm, I think you need character description as part of character development. Truman Capote would agree. It just needs to be logically connected to make it work.