When your partner suddenly dies... (Not mine! He's just fine, but another guy living here)

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 05, 2012 10:11 PM GMT
    This just happened in our condo building this morning, 4 doors down the hallway from us. One guy woke up to find his older gay partner dead next to him in bed. icon_cry.gif

    We knew them both, the older my age ( icon_eek.gif ), the younger maybe mid-30s. The cause could be heart, the victim never looked ill, just overweight.

    We didn't know anything about it, didn't hear the ambulance arrive nor any commotion. A phone call from another resident alerted my partner, who's our condo association President. He has no immediate official role in this, but a courtesy to inform him of the death of any owner.

    My partner & I haven't said much, all our own final arrangements having been in place since the month we got together. Are yours?

    Hate to be morbid, but if your partner/husband/BF dies in bed tonight, or in a car crash, whatever, do you know what will happen tomorrow? We do for us. Or if it's a life-threatening injury with hospitalization, what will your legal status and patient access rights be? We know ours.

    I hope there was a will, maybe insurance. Otherwise the surviving partner may find himself out on the street. That much my partner will eventually know, when the time comes to transfer the condo's ownership. I hope the younger guy will be OK.

    A cautionary story I hope you'll consider, if applicable to you today or in the future, in the US or elsewhere.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Aug 05, 2012 10:22 PM GMT
    You mean the thirty Y/O woke up and went
    Kaching $$$$
    icon_lol.gif

    EDIT:
    But for the real ... my partner of 2 years died several years ago. We had just bought a house together (it was in both our names) 1 month before ... not sure why ... but there were absolutely no issues or hassles with anything .. pretty much he was broke, but he had me listed on his checking account. He really had very little other than clothes and some household item .... so there were not ever any hassles with anything .. not even me hadling the cremation and funeral services.
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    Aug 05, 2012 10:23 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidYou mean the thirty Y/O woke up and went
    Kaching $$$$
    icon_lol.gif
    wow that was rude
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    Aug 05, 2012 10:30 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidYou mean the thirty Y/O woke up and went
    Kaching $$$$
    icon_lol.gif

    Maybe yes, maybe no. We don't know yet.

    And that's my point. What plans do YOU have for your guy, and vice versa? Reminds me of the US TV credit card commercial: "What's in YOUR wallet?"

    You're an exceptionally handsome 54-year-old, who lists no relationship but I can't believe doesn't have one or won't soon. And would you plan for your guy, and him for you?

    That's the point of this thread, as I've posted here before. Guys in relationships forget about these things, but shouldn't. Agree?

    EDIT: You wrote your edit as I was writing my reply to you - talk about crossing in the mail! So I assume we are in agreement. icon_biggrin.gif
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Aug 05, 2012 10:33 PM GMT
    Anduru said
    AMoonHawk saidYou mean the thirty Y/O woke up and went
    Kaching $$$$
    icon_lol.gif
    wow that was rude


    Oh honey ... don't even try, after what you told GAMRican the other night .. that was down right hateful without any cause to be .. I was shocked the even you could be that hateful ... I'm obviously make a joke in saying Kaching $$$$
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    Aug 05, 2012 10:36 PM GMT
    Anduru said
    AMoonHawk saidYou mean the thirty Y/O woke up and went
    Kaching $$$$
    icon_lol.gif
    wow that was rude


    the queen of rude bitches is talking about being rude.......wow, that's rude
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    Aug 05, 2012 10:36 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk said
    Anduru said
    AMoonHawk saidYou mean the thirty Y/O woke up and went
    Kaching $$$$
    icon_lol.gif
    wow that was rude
    Oh honey ... don't even try, after what you told GAMRican the other night .. that was down right hateful without any cause to be .. I was shocked the even you could be that hateful ... I'm obviously make a joke in saying Kaching $$$$
    I refuse to be the only person who has their rude comments held against them.
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    Aug 05, 2012 10:37 PM GMT
    Dj1990 saidthe queen of rude bitches is talking about being rude.......wow, that's rude
    post your asshole again i dare you
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    Aug 05, 2012 10:40 PM GMT
    Anduru said
    Dj1990 saidthe queen of rude bitches is talking about being rude.......wow, that's rude
    post your asshole again i dare you


    As if being banned would be a negative thing.

    It would only end my trolling addiction.
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    Aug 05, 2012 10:53 PM GMT
    I'd hate for the Anduru troll to hijack this thread, since I intended it for responsible guys here to consider for themselves and their partners.

    Gay men in committed relationships of all kinds need to consider these things. Immature children like Anduru may not, it's still all a kid's game to them, and he does provide his brand of adolescent comic relief that makes us all laugh.

    But for the rest of the adult gay community there comes a time for serious consideration of "what ifs" and real-world realities. Realities that don't wait for you to become as old as I am, like that "kid" down the hall from us is finding out.
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    Aug 05, 2012 10:56 PM GMT
    Excuse me? My partner is 54 years old, so I obviously have had to accept the fact that he will likely be passing away long before my time is up.
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    Aug 05, 2012 11:01 PM GMT
    I am sorry to hear of this loss.

    I do not have a partner... And while I do not have tons of stuff, I do have assets. My brother(the executor) knows where my last will and testament is and I let him know every time I travel just in case the worst should happen while I am away... and yes I wrote my cat into my will. He won't inherit a dime but my will clearly states who will care for him + funds are earmarked for my cat's welfare (not a lot, just enough so as not to cause financial strain on his caregiver).

    I have a health directive and power of attorney as well... Both very important documents that will speak on your behalf should you be unable to. My parents and I each have copies of these documents.
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    Aug 05, 2012 11:18 PM GMT
    yo_mamali saidI am sorry to hear of this loss.

    I do not have a partner... And while I do not have tons of stuff, I do have assets. My brother(the executor) knows where my last will and testament is and I let him know every time I travel just in case the worst should happen while I am away... and yes I wrote my cat into my will. He won't inherit a dime but my will clearly states who will care for him + funds are earmarked for my cat's welfare (not a lot, just enough so as not to cause financial strain on his caregiver).

    I have a health directive and power of attorney as well... Both very important documents that will speak on your behalf should you be unable to. My parents and I each have copies of these documents.

    Thank you for your personal insights. And I can't believe you will be without a partner for long, if that's what you want. (I'm from New Jersey myself, know Bayonne well)

    And when the time comes for a partner, make sure all those documents are redrawn to name him from Day One.

    I made the mistake with my late partner of not doing that. Then one morning he woke up in total dementia from his AIDS. In the hospital I had no legal standing, and he no longer could authorize me, remaining legally incompetent for the entire last 6 weeks of his life.

    Fortunately I had connections with the best legal firm in the State, and got an emergency court order in 3 days that ordinarily took 3 months. I was made his Legal Guardian, setting a State precedent for gay couples that still stands to this day. But more pertinent to me, I couldn't be denied total involvement with his care, at his side every day.

    I never wanted to go through that again. So that as soon as I moved in with my present partner, we saw an attorney and had the papers drawn. You can always rescind them if you breakup, but you can't go back and sign them if one of you is dead or incapacitated.

    If you're gonna be sharing a bed with a guy every night, the papers should already be drawn before you draw the sheets over the two of you. Or you may wake up to a horror you never want to face.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Aug 06, 2012 3:17 AM GMT
    Anduru saidExcuse me? My partner is 54 years old, so I obviously have had to accept am looking forward to the fact that he will likely be passing away long before my time is up.

    Fixed! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Aug 06, 2012 3:46 AM GMT
    AMoonHawk said
    Anduru saidExcuse me? My partner is 54 years old, so I obviously have had to accept am looking forward to the fact that he will likely be passing away long before my time is up.
    Fixed! icon_biggrin.gif
    icon_eyebrow.png
  • AMoonHawk

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    Aug 06, 2012 4:12 AM GMT
    Anduru said
    AMoonHawk said
    Anduru saidExcuse me? My partner is 54 years old, so I obviously have had to accept am looking forward to the fact that he will likely be passing away long before my time is up.
    Fixed! icon_biggrin.gif
    icon_eyebrow.png

    OH Come on ... you know you LOL'd
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    Aug 06, 2012 5:38 AM GMT
    Partner or not. I think everyone should make their own arrangements for their death. So many things need to be handled after you die. I wouldn't want to lay that duty/burden on my next of kin.
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    Aug 06, 2012 6:07 AM GMT
    AMoonHawk said
    Anduru said
    AMoonHawk said
    Anduru saidExcuse me? My partner is 54 years old, so I obviously have had to accept am looking forward to the fact that he will likely be passing away long before my time is up.
    Fixed! icon_biggrin.gif
    icon_eyebrow.png

    OH Come on ... you know you LOL'd
    He didn't LOL because he knows it's true.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Aug 06, 2012 11:16 AM GMT
    AD, I have to admit, my heart skipped a beat when I first quickly glanced at your thread title.




    icon_eek.gif




    Glad that ya'll are still ok.




    icon_biggrin.gif
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    Aug 06, 2012 1:39 PM GMT
    rnch saidAD, I have to admit, my heart skipped a beat when I first quickly glanced at your thread title.

    Sorry my luv. I originally wrote the disclaimer in the first sentence of the message, concerned guys might be upset thinking it was about my own partner.

    But then I decided even that wasn't good enough, so I moved it up to the subject. Yet I still wanted an attention-getter topic, for what I think is an important issue. My apologies if you were disconcerted. icon_redface.gif
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    Aug 06, 2012 2:00 PM GMT
    yo_mamali saidI have a health directive and power of attorney as well... Both very important documents that will speak on your behalf should you be unable to. My parents and I each have copies of these documents.

    Same with my partner & me. We have mutual Health Care Surrogates, and Durable Power of Attorney drawn, as well as Living Wills and Last Wills that were all done the first month we began living together.

    And drawn by a prominent gay attorney, who was the Deputy Mayor of Fort Lauderdale at the time (and is running for office again). I wanted someone who not only knew how to protect the rights of gay men, but whose well-known name would give pause to anyone who might question those documents.

    In the 5 years since then, we've each had some emergency medical issues, and neither of us was ever denied full access to the other, nor full participation in medical decisions. We did our homework, and it's paid for us.

    And so we have copies of those documents in legal portfolios, that go into our luggage whenever we travel. If we find ourselves needing medical care, from a facility where these authorizations are not already on file (and we insist copies be made with every doctor and hospital that treats us), we can produce the documents on the spot. We will not be victims of the gay hate that exists in many US States, including our own Florida. Nor should any of you.
  • AMoonHawk

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    Aug 06, 2012 2:39 PM GMT
    paulflexes said
    AMoonHawk said
    Anduru said
    AMoonHawk said
    Anduru saidExcuse me? My partner is 54 years old, so I obviously have had to accept am looking forward to the fact that he will likely be passing away long before my time is up.
    Fixed! icon_biggrin.gif
    icon_eyebrow.png

    OH Come on ... you know you LOL'd
    He didn't LOL because he knows it's true.

    Yeah! Sometimes those who protest the most, do so out out of a subconscious reflection and deflection of their guilt (a little like homophobia)
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    Aug 06, 2012 8:34 PM GMT
    Art_Deco, seems like you really covered your bases. Good for you.

    That is a good point to carry your health directive with you when you travel. I was told to always bring this document with me whenever I visit my doctor or go to the emergency room... which I do.