Would like some advice/clarity on relationships.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 11, 2012 6:49 PM GMT
    Hi guys, I would like some advice from some older men with experience with relationships.

    I'm very confused. Is monogamy to much to expect from someone. From being involved in the Denver gay community I have found that gay people are more than willing to.be in relationships, but to not be committed to.one person. I was wondering peoples views on if that is something to determine a relationship.

    Would really like to know what people think. Please do not criticize.
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    Aug 11, 2012 8:15 PM GMT
    You know it's really hard to say and to be honest, it's also something I've been trying to discover as well.

    So far, hook-ups seem to be the main thing nowadays.
    From what I've come across here, guys who have managed to both commit long term into a monogamous relationship went for a hook-up and it just coincidentally turned out that way.
    So the most common advice I've come across when it comes to finding a monogamous relationship is to hook-up because you never know.
    For me personally, that's not stable enough for me to pursue someone in hoping that it may coincidentally work out that way.

    Not all relationships on here have happened that way, but from what I've observed so far, mostly.

    I don't think monogamy isn't too much to expect from someone, it's just that there may not be that many people wanting that. Could be because monogamy isn't something desired until later in life for gay men generally, I don't know.

    I'm going to stay tuned onto this topic just to see what people say.
    Hopefully we both get answers icon_smile.gif
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Aug 11, 2012 10:56 PM GMT
    Honestly, it all depends on the people involved. Some look for monogamy, while others do not. icon_confused.gif
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    Aug 12, 2012 12:35 AM GMT
    Willybear saidHonestly, it all depends on the people involved. Some look for monogamy, while others do not. icon_confused.gif
    And unfortunately, most who do not, do not admit it because of societal pressure.

    And if you think it's difficult to find someone who's truly monogamous, try finding someone to be openly polygamous. That's an even greater challenge. icon_wink.gif
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    Aug 12, 2012 12:58 AM GMT
    I think it's really an age and maturity thing. When guys are young and attractive (whether in reality or in their own minds), they feel no need to settle down with one person when the opportunities for other sexual partners are so readily available. But as men age, we realize that our opportunities become more limited, and then begin to search for a man with whom we want to share the rest of our lives.

    Mind you, this comes from someone with monogamistic tendencies, and others may disagree.
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    Aug 12, 2012 1:47 AM GMT
    SamuelBozeman saidHi guys, I would like some advice from some older men with experience with relationships.

    I'm very confused. Is monogamy to much to expect from someone. From being involved in the Denver gay community I have found that gay people are more than willing to.be in relationships, but to not be committed to.one person. I was wondering peoples views on if that is something to determine a relationship.

    Would really like to know what people think. Please do not criticize.


    Monogamy, while I practice it for psychological reasons, is a gynocological concept enforced culturally upon us by straight society. Expand your mind.
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    Aug 12, 2012 2:06 AM GMT
    OP.. It's your choice..if you want monogamy..you can find it..if you want to!
    Just be prepared to do the work...
    Finding the right guy takes time and patience..
    I am constantly hearing..your'e young..play the field..have fun..!!
    Truthfully some of us aren't cut out for that..!!
    Personally i have no interest in sleeping with 20 guys just to find 1..!!
    Happy hunting!
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    Aug 12, 2012 2:24 AM GMT
    BornJuly4th saidI think it's really an age and maturity thing. When guys are young and attractive (whether in reality or in their own minds), they feel no need to settle down with one person when the opportunities for other sexual partners are so readily available. But as men age, we realize that our opportunities become more limited, and then begin to search for a man with whom we want to share the rest of our lives.


    Agree with this! I'm in a monogonamos relationship however my partner is 12 years older than me. So we make a rule that when I go overseas (alone) I can have a little bit of fun with some restrictions of course. I like it this way because that way I can still have fun and not feel 'tied down' during my peak years however I'm sure once I'm 10 years older my mindset will change. When I'm home I don't have any urge to meet other guys at all. icon_biggrin.gif
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Aug 12, 2012 4:59 AM GMT
    Dude...If you feel you deserve monogamy...You make your standards high and uphold them..Is it going to be easy?...Hell no..Will you be tempted? Yup...You did to have the mindset...I'm worth being faithful to...Live and believe your personal truths...Believe your worth it...Cause if you believe it...He will to...Later son
  • ueatzit

    Posts: 174

    Aug 12, 2012 9:10 AM GMT
    You have every right to seek what you want in your relationships. You should only entertain the idea of being with someone who is interested in listening to you and respecting what you want. A man (or anyone) will not always live up to your expectations, but if after finding out that you need monogamy, it is totally reasonable to demand that they work with you to make a happy and lasting relationship with you. This also goes the other way as well, if he is adamant about something having a deep and important meaning to him, you may be the one compromising.

    I've been with my guy for almost twelve years now, and we've had our fights. One thing we always exalt over our needs as individuals is a belief that we can work together and that our relationship is worth fighting for. We were monogamous for the first five years together. When we got together neither of us thought than we'd want anything but monogamy. Over time, and with building much trust in one another, we discovered that our lives were more than just the sum of us as individuals. We also realised that at the end of the day, we know exactly who is the man we want to be with, and who will be there regardless.

    Our open relationship has actually brought us closer together in that we've had to confront and deal with our insecurities about ourselves (how we look etc) and insecurities about our relationship. Looking backwards I can honestly say I'm happy we've added this dimension to us. It isn't necessarily a part of us forever, but for now, yes.

    The take home message I'm trying to impress here is that a relationship should evolve beyond anything you could've fathomed at the onset. A man to call your own is important, and he should respect your wishes and you will need to listen to him on his needs too. As your relationship evloves you'll find ever more depth and reason to love him. That is something I'm certain about. Whether monogamy is right for now, or forever, is something you'll have to ask yourself and your partner as things come up I believe.

    My two cents....

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    Aug 12, 2012 7:51 PM GMT
    So I have recurved a lot.of.interesting perspective from reading the replies, which I am very grateful to have received. A thought that came to me while reading through, is how do you introduce the communication of the sexual relations of the relationship. How do you ask are we going to be monogamous?
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    Aug 12, 2012 7:55 PM GMT
    ueatzit saidYou have every right to seek what you want in your relationships. You should only entertain the idea of being with someone who is interested in listening to you and respecting what you want. A man (or anyone) will not always live up to your expectations, but if after finding out that you need monogamy, it is totally reasonable to demand that they work with you to make a happy and lasting relationship with you. This also goes the other way as well, if he is adamant about something having a deep and important meaning to him, you may be the one compromising.

    I've been with my guy for almost twelve years now, and we've had our fights. One thing we always exalt over our needs as individuals is a belief that we can work together and that our relationship is worth fighting for. We were monogamous for the first five years together. When we got together neither of us thought than we'd want anything but monogamy. Over time, and with building much trust in one another, we discovered that our lives were more than just the sum of us as individuals. We also realised that at the end of the day, we know exactly who is the man we want to be with, and who will be there regardless.

    Our open relationship has actually brought us closer together in that we've had to confront and deal with our insecurities about ourselves (how we look etc) and insecurities about our relationship. Looking backwards I can honestly say I'm happy we've added this dimension to us. It isn't necessarily a part of us forever, but for now, yes.

    The take home message I'm trying to impress here is that a relationship should evolve beyond anything you could've fathomed at the onset. A man to call your own is important, and he should respect your wishes and you will need to listen to him on his needs too. As your relationship evloves you'll find ever more depth and reason to love him. That is something I'm certain about. Whether monogamy is right for now, or forever, is something you'll have to ask yourself and your partner as things come up I believe.

    My two cents....


    Marry me!