relationship help

  • nefficles

    Posts: 511

    Aug 12, 2012 3:12 AM GMT
    so, i've been in a relationship with my boy for almost a year and a half.

    however, there is one problem that keeps occurring. Whenever we have issues or need to discuss problems, they are never solved. Even if it is not only me that brings problems to his attention, he will just disregard it. He won't admit he is wrong because he will not let himself think that he ever is.

    whenever i do bring up issues with him, he gets very passive aggressive and sarcastic. It has happened so often that i just say "i'll just stop right here because you aren't even listening to what i am saying. You are just waiting to say i am wrong". he then goes "and then you do that! see this is why we can't talk".

    i am just so tired of not being able to have a civilized conversation. Arguments almost always end with me leaving the house and going on a walk or drive. No apologies. I just suck it up and try to forget things happened. However, it is really taking a toll on me.

    this doesn't seem to be something that will just go away. Just asking for some help from you guys. Have any of you known someone like this? What about if any of you have actually managed to get through to people who act like this? i mean my roommate, my brother, my boyfriend's brother, and even his parents KNOW he is this way but he fails to see it.

    i'll listen to anything constructive you guys toss at me. please and thanks.

    ~jerrad
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    Aug 12, 2012 1:02 PM GMT
    The story of my Ex OP...
    Hard headed, dissmissive, abrupt and hyper defensive....
    So this is what i learned..

    Things that i did wrong...
    1) Waiting for him to admit he was wrong..
    2) He was very moody...i didn't wait for him to be in the right mood..
    3) I should have reminded him of how much i love him when we had these talks...He hated the fact that i was annoyed at something he did..
    4) Sometimes i needed to say my piece.. give him a kiss on the cheek...and let it go..!
    5) I could have had more talks with him...on how we communicate!


    OP..anything above that can help you?..

    Our relationship took a turn for the better when i wrote him a two page letter..and handed it to him on his way out one morning..!!..
    Good luck..Hugz
    (men!)
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    Aug 12, 2012 1:57 PM GMT
    one of the first things that jumped out at me - the desire to prove that you are right. that's no way to resolve difficulties. you may even have to be conciliatory in trying to resolve the problem. Remember it’s not you against him. Both of you are in the relationship together.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Aug 12, 2012 2:00 PM GMT
    Well if you treat him as "your boy" that might be half the problem.

    Preconceptions as to attitude, approach, etc can really damage a serious conversation. My suggestion to you is that you convey sincere concern in resolving an issue.. minus any attitude.
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    Aug 12, 2012 2:07 PM GMT
    jerradwolf saidhowever, there is one problem that keeps occurring. Whenever we have issues or need to discuss problems, they are never solved. Even if it is not only me that brings problems to his attention, he will just disregard it. He won't admit he is wrong because he will not let himself think that he ever is.


    See what I did there? The way you stated the issue, he is the only one that is ever wrong. If that's the way you think (and act), no wonder he won't ever take on responsibility.

    How do you react when you are wrong? Do you apologize and say you are sorry? When you do, tell him that you would like him to do the same, to accept responsibility and man up, like you did.

    If you never get a chance to do as above, you know the two of you are not that different.

    Signed: a guy that was in a relationship with a wonderful man who thought that other people were the reason for things going wrong, including especially me
  • nefficles

    Posts: 511

    Aug 12, 2012 2:30 PM GMT
    themachine saidThe way you stated the issue, he is the only one that is ever wrong. If that's the way you think (and act), no wonder he won't ever take on responsibility.

    How do you react when you are wrong? Do you apologize and say you are sorry? When you do, tell him that you would like him to do the same, to accept responsibility and man up, like you did.


    the issue was stated the way it was meant to be. meaning i presented my problem.

    1. i never said i wasn't the one at fault at times. I am not perfect and i do realize when things are my fault. I do admit to them, and i do man up.

    2. yes i do say i am sorry. I end up saying sorry a lot even if things weren't my fault or if he pulls the whole "oh you're mad at me? well im mad at you!" thing. i say sorry because i dont like to argue and with him there isnt a point to it anyways.
  • nefficles

    Posts: 511

    Aug 12, 2012 2:31 PM GMT
    HndsmKansan saidWell if you treat him as "your boy" that might be half the problem.

    Preconceptions as to attitude, approach, etc can really damage a serious conversation. My suggestion to you is that you convey sincere concern in resolving an issue.. minus any attitude.


    that was just my wording i guess. i don't treat him as my boy. in fact, it is probably the opposite. He treats me as his boy >.< he is about 10 years older than me
  • nefficles

    Posts: 511

    Aug 12, 2012 2:33 PM GMT
    Anocxu saidThe story of my Ex OP...
    Hard headed, dissmissive, abrupt and hyper defensive....
    So this is what i learned..

    Things that i did wrong...
    1) Waiting for him to admit he was wrong..
    2) He was very moody...i didn't wait for him to be in the right mood..
    3) I should have reminded him of how much i love him when we had these talks...He hated the fact that i was annoyed at something he did..
    4) Sometimes i needed to say my piece.. give him a kiss on the cheek...and let it go..!
    5) I could have had more talks with him...on how we communicate!


    OP..anything above that can help you?..

    Our relationship took a turn for the better when i wrote him a two page letter..and handed it to him on his way out one morning..!!..
    Good luck..Hugz
    (men!)


    thanks for this! i actually really like the idea of writing a letter.
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    Aug 12, 2012 3:42 PM GMT
    Whatever it takes to keep the communications open, keep trying. A letter might help. Be positive and encourage talk. Come up with a physical sign to make so he knows when you're feeling like he's crossing a line that you're comfortable with and then discuss it. Keep trying!
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    Aug 12, 2012 6:45 PM GMT
    jerradwolf said[...] however, there is one problem that keeps occurring. Whenever we have issues or need to discuss problems, they are never solved. Even if it is not only me that brings problems to his attention, he will just disregard it. He won't admit he is wrong because he will not let himself think that he ever is.

    whenever i do bring up issues with him, he gets very passive aggressive and sarcastic. It has happened so often that i just say "i'll just stop right here because you aren't even listening to what i am saying. You are just waiting to say i am wrong". he then goes "and then you do that! see this is why we can't talk".

    i am just so tired of not being able to have a civilized conversation. [...] However, it is really taking a toll on me.
    [...] i mean my roommate, my brother, my boyfriend's brother, and even his parents KNOW he is this way but he fails to see it.

    i'll listen to anything constructive you guys toss at me. please and thanks.

    ~jerrad


    Personally I would never have let any relationship continue if the guy was like this. There are too many problems and mine fields in life to encourage another basic problem to make my life less enjoyable and harmonious. I have no problem with being confronted with accountability and responsibility (for betterment of the quality of life), but I would expect my mate to be equally responsible (because that is how he should be in his opinion, not because he's doing it for me).
    In your situation I'd look at it as how will things be in another 2 year considering his and my attitudes. I don't mind investing time, but I sure won't won't waste it limitlessly.
    Think about why the two of you are together and what has kept you together all this time.
    Hugs Jerrad.
  • nefficles

    Posts: 511

    Aug 12, 2012 7:09 PM GMT
    thank you guys for all the awesome feedback so far. i really can't tell you how much i appreciate it.

    these tips and thoughts are things i don't think i would've come up with on my own. so, thank you.
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    Aug 12, 2012 7:26 PM GMT
    these sound like ex boyfriend problem to me, sorry but thats the story of me and my ex-ex lol
    hope you find a better answer as i understand hpw frustrating this kind of thing can be, and so draining on your emotional well being.

    hugs and best of luck

    luke
    x
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 12, 2012 7:36 PM GMT
    Since he's ten years older, this is likely a personality trait that won't bend easily by now. If you could have a conversation about why he feels so reactive when criticized, that would be great. But that in itself is hard to pursue because of said personality trait.

    You may want to try a therapist or third party, if only to see whether his resistance is mitigated by having an honest broker. Also, the therapist will help you design systems for trying to breach that barrier and communicate more effectively.

    However sometimes it isn't soluble, as I found in my own situation after a year and a half of trying. So you have to decide if it is something with which you can live.

    A lot of people are stubborn, and there are worse traits. A lot of that can be mitigated by slowly getting him to more frequently say he's sorry, regardless of how he feels about the justice of the situation. Sometimes that is secondary. And in that light, it might be more palatable than ceding the substance of the argument itself.