How do you ask this question gently?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 13, 2008 10:17 PM GMT
    Hey everyone-

    I’m curious….I’m sure we all had or will have many moments when we meet someone we’re really into and it turns into a hook up. I mean it is what it is, right? So, how do you ask someone about his sexual status without ruining the moment?

    I figure, it doesn’t matter if things turn sour anyway because it’s all about protecting yourself and being safe… so how do you ask this question?

    Cal
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    Aug 13, 2008 10:34 PM GMT
    I just do it as a quick question. "You are negative, right?"

    No responsible person would take offense at being asked that.

    In fact, I would be alarmed if we had gone very far and he hadnt asked me...and definitely alarmed if he took offense after I asked.
  • helium

    Posts: 378

    Aug 13, 2008 11:06 PM GMT
    I agree with Caslon on that. You need to be upfront about it. You don't want to get something and regret not asking.
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    Aug 13, 2008 11:11 PM GMT
    I would always treat every partner as if they were positive. Relying on the word of someone you don't know is pretty foolish. Asking is fine, but protect yourself first.

    Crabs are another story... in fact, I would casually ask if they have those because your doomed if they do. No hiding from those things. I found out the hard way back in college. icon_redface.gif
  • tinman511

    Posts: 28

    Aug 13, 2008 11:14 PM GMT
    Years ago I had a guy ask me what my status was after we had sex. I did him w/o a condom and he was a married man. I was a bit insulted because he asked me afterwards. I said " well the last test I got said negative". I would say upfront and b4 any sexual activity would be best for all concerned.icon_idea.gif
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    Aug 13, 2008 11:28 PM GMT
    I agree. Just be blunt and ask.

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    Aug 13, 2008 11:36 PM GMT
    just ask, if he freaks out, dump him. If he answers, still use protection (just in case he has done something since his last test, and doesnt yet know about it)..
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Aug 13, 2008 11:43 PM GMT
    I only ask this question of guys I'm getting serious about. It's really useless to ask this question of more "casual" friends. Let's face it, guys lie. And given the statistics, there are a lot of guys who don't know their status. Period. It's naive to think otherwise. If you're not treating all encounters as if your partner is positive, then you're playing a kind of Russian Roulette. Just because a guy looks healthy and clean-cut doesn't mean they can't be HIV+.
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    Aug 13, 2008 11:45 PM GMT
    psychyourselfup saidHey everyone I’m just curious….I’m sure we all had or will have many moments when we meet someone we’re really into and it turns into a hook up. I mean it is what it is right? So how do you ask someone about his sexual status without ruining the moment?

    I figure what it doesn’t matter if things turn sour anyway because it’s all about protecting yourself and being safe… so how do you ask this question?

    Cal


    I think "what is your HIV status?" is a more appropriate question. Saying "You're negative, right?" is not only insinuating that the person is defective if they answer no, it incents people to lie by telling them that there is only one acceptable answer.

    Either way, you should be using protection as it is the only thing that will protect you at all.
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    Aug 13, 2008 11:57 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]mnjock2003 said[/cite]I would always treat every partner as if they were positive. Relying on the word of someone you don't know is pretty foolish. Asking is fine, but protect yourself first.[quote]

    Sorry guys - I think mnjock2003 nailed this one on the head.

    Not protecting yourself first isn't just risky today, it can be a fatal mistake.

    Be carefull out there.
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    Aug 13, 2008 11:59 PM GMT
    The trouble is. No matter how blunt you may be, or political correct. This does not guarantee, you will get the truth.

    I had a sexual relationship with a hot guy down home in the bush, a number of years ago, for a few years.

    He never seemed to be concerned about condoms, and with all the bad things I seen going on working for the gay community before I meet him. I was!

    So One did ask. I got there was no need to worry.

    Now the sex was hot, and Gees I don't know how many times I'd. bare backed him. It never happened at his place, so One was not able to check if he was on medications.

    But for all that time, he lead me to believe he was -!

    Once One had left the bush, and moved back to the city. I was to run into a guy from down home, whom asked me, why I did not go to his funeral?

    I did not even know he was dead was my comment.

    What did he die of, one was too ask?

    With a very strange look, One got: from AIDS! Did you not know.

    NO I did not!

    So asking does not always translate into getting the truth. People fear rejection, and missing out.

    So now. If it's not on, it's not on!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 14, 2008 12:43 AM GMT
    I also think this question depends on what you plan on doing. If all you're going to do is kiss, JO and maybe some oral, then I wouldn't be concerned with HIV status.

    I think HIV status become relevant when you're about to fuck or get fucked... or if you plan on having a long-term relationship with this person.

    If what you're looking for is a long term relationship, this question should have come up on the first date, especially if you're not up for being with what could be a poz guy.


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    Aug 14, 2008 3:12 AM GMT
    That's a very good point about most guys not being truthfully or even aware of their status! There are people who will only bareback with other "negative" guys so therefore they ask about status for that reason only.

    I also have a friend of mine who's hiv + and still acts very careless... it's scary. He doesn't tell his many partners about his status at all. He even told me if he wasn't + or aware of it, he would still continue to play russian roulette. I don't get it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 14, 2008 4:59 AM GMT
    If the moment is real hook up or not, asking the question is not gonna ruin anything! And if he makes an "issue" out of it, then keep in mind it's your life, literally!
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    Aug 14, 2008 4:16 PM GMT
    mnjock2003 saidI would always treat every partner as if they were positive. Relying on the word of someone you don't know is pretty foolish. Asking is fine, but protect yourself first.

    Crabs are another story... in fact, I would casually ask if they have those because your doomed if they do. No hiding from those things. I found out the hard way back in college. icon_redface.gif


    Never assume a guy is positive, period! He may say he is negative and:

    1. Be lying;

    2. Telling what he thinks is the truth but in actually fact just became infected recently and does not know it;

    3. Telling what he thinks is the truth but does not bother telling you he has not been tested in two years and since then has had 100 sexual partners.

    I don't understand why people who have casual sex think by asking this question they will somehow be more protected. Assume the worse and practice safer sex!

    Or if you are really worried, don't have sex with the guy, go with him to a clinic, get yourselves tested and get the results back at the same time. I know for hook-ups this is very unlikely to happen, but if you are seriously considering a relationship with the guy then it is a prudent move to take.

    I told my partner before we had sex that I was HIV+ because I was interested in dating him, but did not want to get my hopes up if that was a problem for him. Some HIV+ guys though are bitter and don't care anymore.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 14, 2008 5:13 PM GMT
    I never asked, I just assumed everyone was and go from there on having safer sex.

    My partner told me on our first date his status and told me if I had a problem w/ it I could take a hike. There are far more things to worry about in a relationship than if someone is pos or neg.

    But I can also understand people who are fearful of dating someone who is HIV pos, but I have never not dated someone due to their status.
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    Aug 14, 2008 5:31 PM GMT
    I think more importantly than asking the question is educating yourself on the ACTUAL risks involved with engaging in certain types of activities with someone who is hiv+. This way, should you find out your partner is hiv+, you can have an mutually informed conversation about how you want to proceed (including the RIGHT questions to ask them). Otherwise, you're just running on possible misconceptions resulting in fear.

    Like others on here have said, if you're just "hooking up", you should ALWAYS assume the person is hiv+. EVERYONE is responsible for their OWN sexual health. DO NOT take the word of a virtual stranger. If you wouldn't give them your ATM card number, you shouldn't trust your sexual health in their hands.

    However, you need to ask yourself this question: What would you do differently with someone who told you they were negative as opposed to positive? If the answer is nothing (ie. you'd protect yourself in both instances), then asking the question at all is irrelevant.
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    Aug 14, 2008 6:06 PM GMT
    If he's not playing safe with you, odds are he hasn't played safe with others before you... and that should worry you.

    As pointed out, even if someone is telling the truth (which is only the result of the last test) his status may have changed and he himself might not yet know it.
  • fitdude62

    Posts: 294

    Aug 14, 2008 6:18 PM GMT
    Playing safe is always the best thing, no matter what.

    That being said, the easiest way to ask is to start by sharing your own status first. It will break the ice and instills confidence that you know and are willing to share. I have never found anyone that didn't just "offer up" their status after I exposed mine.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 16, 2008 11:53 AM GMT
    I question someone's motivations if they ask me my HIV status.

    To me it means they are looking to bareback.

    This is how the virus spreads, by naive, safer sex-ignorant HIV negative men thinking they can sero-sort by asking someone they don't know and will never see again whether they are negative.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Aug 16, 2008 12:15 PM GMT
    I wouldn't be offended if someone asked me
    and I expect no offense when I ask the same question

    It's a simple answer... to a simple question
    You're negative, right?
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    Aug 16, 2008 12:19 PM GMT
    I find it odd that a person above was "offended because he asked after [instead of before]"

    ...where the hell were YOU that whole time, and why didn't you ask before, if he didn't? Are you assuming that it's the other guy's responsibility to ask?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 16, 2008 12:21 PM GMT
    There is not a lot more I can contribute that hasn't already been said..

    however, I just can't wait until they have portable HIV testing.. Then it wouldn't be a matter of trusting someone, or having to go out of your way just to get the results. It would be simple, and it would give the power back to the innocent..

    I just can't tell you how many times I've heard of assholes that just go around infecting others..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 16, 2008 12:24 PM GMT
    you don't ask the question.

    you assume he is and practice safe sex.

    what is the point of asking? he may lie about it.

    if you start seeing each other more regularly you can bring it up then.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 16, 2008 4:56 PM GMT
    Avalon60 saidyou don't ask the question.

    you assume he is and practice safe sex.

    what is the point of asking? he may lie about it.

    if you start seeing each other more regularly you can bring it up then.



    You are less likely to get HIV if you question your partner before sex. There was even an article about it here in RJ. But yes, he might lie but at least you're being proactive about your sexual health.


    ALWAYS WEAR A CONDOM GUYS.

    I put one on everymorning and wear it al day icon_lol.gif
    just kidding.