For those guys in LTRs....

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 13, 2012 7:13 PM GMT
    So I recently came out of a 2 year relationship with a guy who I would say is probably now one of my best friends in the world. However, we are both at different places in our lives and decided the right thing to do was move on -- he is older, has kids and I am younger and still figuring out my path..... My last boyfriend before that, I was with for two years as well.

    While I loved both of these guys, in very different ways, part of me always knew neither of them were "the one." But sometimes I question my intuition....

    So I wonder if those of you out there, who are madly in love and have been with the same guy, how did you know he was the one for you?

    For me, I knew I clicked with both of my exes but I think there was that initial honeymoon period that faded for us.

    I know that to make a relationship work, it takes hard work. It takes compromise. You have to listen and be there for each other.

    But, I guess I just don't wanna give up on the romantic notion that I will meet someone and our love will continue to strengthen and grow over time and I will be more attracted to him as the years pass. I just wonder, have we been sold a myth of "true love"? Does that really exist? Is it sustainable? Or does it all eventually fade in to a great friendship?

    Something to ponder on a Monday afternoon....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 13, 2012 8:39 PM GMT
    i had no idea, i dont think i would like to know if my bf is "the one" im not sure there is a one.
    i just love everything about him (almost lol) and he does me.

    we get on have great fun great sex, we are there for each other emotionally. i want nothing more than to make his life a better experience. and thats enough for me, i certainly dont think looking for "the one" as opposed to "a one" is a good idea, or even really neccessary.

    anyways weve benn together three years and they have been amazing, i hope we have many more to come.

    i'll settle for that

    x
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 13, 2012 9:11 PM GMT
    I'm with my husband for almost 13 years now. I had barely turned 18 when we met. I had no idea he would be the one. Even today he still gives me butterflies.
    Actually, I never found our relationship to be hard work. Work is never too hard if you love what you're doing. He went away to Switzerland for four months once and we made it possible to meet almost every month. We were both studying back then, so money was an issue. But sacrifices don't feel as hard, when you know who you're doing it for.
    So my advice is to never give up on true love. I've seen it happen and I know there must be someone for everyone out there. Just don't pressure your relationship by measuring it all the time, love shouldn't be overthought.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 13, 2012 9:25 PM GMT
    Amen.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 13, 2012 9:33 PM GMT
    Capn_A said
    For me, I knew I clicked with both of my exes but I think there was that initial honeymoon period that faded for us.

    I know that to make a relationship work, it takes hard work. It takes compromise. You have to listen and be there for each other.

    But, I guess I just don't wanna give up on the romantic notion that I will meet someone and our love will continue to strengthen and grow over time and I will be more attracted to him as the years pass. I just wonder, have we been sold a myth of "true love"? Does that really exist? Is it sustainable? Or does it all eventually fade in to a great friendship?


    It does take hard work. And the honeymoon period always fades. That doesn't mean that it can't be replaced by something deeper and more compelling. It is not clear to me what you mean by "fade in to a great friendship." A great friendship is a fine basis for long term romantic love. If by that you mean, the passion fades, well, all I can say is you need to find ways to keep up the interest despite the end of the honeymoon. Communication, communication, communication. Common interests. Common goals. The occasional unexpected romantic or sexy gesture.


    As I've said before, walking hand in hand with your partner through all the changes in your life is about the most romantic thing I can imagine, and I'm privileged to have done that for as long as I have.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 13, 2012 9:36 PM GMT
    Lucky man.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 13, 2012 10:00 PM GMT
    Well said showme. I have seen so many couple split after the 'honeymoon' period - expecting it will last forever - which isn't realistic. There are always going to be challenges in our relationships with others - whether they be platonic or otherwise due to human nature.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 13, 2012 10:06 PM GMT
    Krovi saidI'm with my husband for almost 13 years now. I had barely turned 18 when we met. I had no idea he would be the one. Even today he still gives me butterflies.
    Actually, I never found our relationship to be hard work. Work is never too hard if you love what you're doing. He went away to Switzerland for four months once and we made it possible to meet almost every month. We were both studying back then, so money was an issue. But sacrifices don't feel as hard, when you know who you're doing it for.
    So my advice is to never give up on true love. I've seen it happen and I know there must be someone for everyone out there. Just don't pressure your relationship by measuring it all the time, love shouldn't be overthought.


    I love hearing stories like these. I think that notion of "true love" exist. It hasn't happened to me, but I've seen it in front of my eyes so many times with other people in my life.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 13, 2012 10:23 PM GMT
    lol Krovi beat me to it. Ditto for us.

    Here's another way to illustrate Krovi's point about work.

    Steven King is a writer and writing is work. He loves his work. icon_wink.gif

    Michelangelo was an artist. His creations were a lot of work. He loved it.

    So work is not necessarily work. icon_wink.gif

    Compromise is not necessarily unhappy sacrifice. icon_wink.gif


  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 14, 2012 12:44 AM GMT
    Capn..???.. Do you have a 2 year capacity on your relationships..??
    Are you one of those guys that can't work past the honeymoon phase..??
    ..Not to be rude but most gay couples have that problem..!

    ..Capn are you the type to analyze a relationship for what it isn't as opposed to strategically build on what you already have..??

    ..Will you be one of those guys who will end up kicking himself later in life for walking away from great relationships..?

    Just a few questions to get you thinking..
    Your opening post sounds like you want more of something that you don't know?..

    My point..You could be sabotaging yourself..!!
    Again..i'm not being rude
    (Anocxu)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 14, 2012 2:09 AM GMT
    Anocxu saidCapn..???.. Do you have a 2 year capacity on your relationships..??
    Are you one of those guys that can't work past the honeymoon phase..??
    ..Not to be rude but most gay couples have that problem..!

    ..Capn are you the type to analyze a relationship for what it isn't as opposed to strategically build on what you already have..??

    ..Will you be one of those guys who will end up kicking himself later in life for walking away from great relationships..?

    Just a few questions to get you thinking..
    Your opening post sounds like you want more of something that you don't know?..

    My point..You could be sabotaging yourself..!!
    Again..i'm not being rude
    (Anocxu)


    yeah, wondering the same thing...like why the other relationships failed?
    Nothing against Serial Monogamy, was a serial killer in my day.
    What happen that makes you go "shit this is real"?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 14, 2012 2:24 AM GMT
    Nope. The Honeymoon phase in my last relationship was over after a year and we were still together from then on. I just don't think that he saw things the same way -- it was clear we both wanted different things. He wanted to move back to where he was from to be with his family. I did not want to do that. I felt like I had/have a lot more growing to do before I settle down -- he was 38 and has two kids. I am 25. I felt, for awhile, that things were different -- I didn't feel the same passion for him. Don't get me wrong, we love each other and I will always love him --but sometimes timing is everything. But we seemed to be growing apart and not together.


    I don't think of myself as someone that would walk away from something great, but last break up was a mutual decision. We both didn't see each other in our futures. Cross generational relationships are difficult -- that is why I would like to meet someone more my age, who is experience life at a similar rate. Not already settled with career and family.

    I thought at one time, I would marry him. And that I wanted kids with him. He told me "I want those things for you." But he didn't want them with me. We were not on the same page.

    I am not sabotaging myself. Sometimes the harder thing to do is walk away, then stay.

    I just would like to meet someone with same/similar priorities. and I want to get married. Like I said, timing can count a lot.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 14, 2012 2:56 AM GMT
    I was just thinking today actually that I need to spend more time with my bf. He recently was hired full-time and before that he was unemployed so we spent pretty much all our spare time together. I started missing him sooooo much and when we finally got to spend time together again it was just as exciting as it was when we first started dating.

    I think that's the sign of a person who's "the one" - you always feel that spark.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 14, 2012 2:58 AM GMT
    I think you'll know it when you find the right one, but it will happen after the infatuation is over. You have time. I was in a 22 year relationship and had 3 kids, I was 28 when I started the relationship, unfortunate for her, I was gay.

    Good luck, you'll find someone special when you least expect it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 14, 2012 3:09 AM GMT
    Capn_A saidNope. The Honeymoon phase in my last relationship was over after a year and we were still together from then on. I just don't think that he saw things the same way -- it was clear we both wanted different things. He wanted to move back to where he was from to be with his family. I did not want to do that. I felt like I had/have a lot more growing to do before I settle down -- he was 38 and has two kids. I am 25. I felt, for awhile, that things were different -- I didn't feel the same passion for him. Don't get me wrong, we love each other and I will always love him --but sometimes timing is everything. But we seemed to be growing apart and not together.


    I don't think of myself as someone that would walk away from something great, but last break up was a mutual decision. We both didn't see each other in our futures. Cross generational relationships are difficult -- that is why I would like to meet someone more my age, who is experience life at a similar rate. Not already settled with career and family.

    I thought at one time, I would marry him. And that I wanted kids with him. He told me "I want those things for you." But he didn't want them with me. We were not on the same page.

    I am not sabotaging myself. Sometimes the harder thing to do is walk away, then stay.

    I just would like to meet someone with same/similar priorities. and I want to get married. Like I said, timing can count a lot.


    ^^^^^
    Your response is awesome in my eyes..i apreciate that you understood they were not accusatory..Now i think you have expressed what you truly want..!!.. So with that said...Happy hunting..!! and i'm looking forward to a new thread from Capn ...tomorrow..???.. icon_biggrin.gif
    (i know..i'm a little smartass..but seriously..i'm looking forward)
    Hugz
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 1842

    Aug 14, 2012 8:07 AM GMT
    Capn_A said
    So I wonder if those of you out there, who are madly in love and have been with the same guy, how did you know he was the one for you? . . .

    You don't, at least not at first. It either works out or it doesn't.

    But, I guess I just don't wanna give up on the romantic notion that I will meet someone and our love will continue to strengthen and grow over time and I will be more attracted to him as the years pass. I just wonder, have we been sold a myth of "true love"? Does that really exist? Is it sustainable? Or does it all eventually fade in to a great friendship?

    Yeah, there is the myth of "true love" out there, as in The Philadelphia Story and High Society, and Bing Crosby's song. But real love exists. Like Showme said, it develops (if it is going to happen) after the honeymoon phase, and the formation of a great friendship is a big part of it. In my experience, having had a couple short relationships, then a long period of casual dating before encountering my partner, the love of our relationship grew as we cared more about the other than ourselves. Not that we don't think of our own wants, but we are always thinking of the other's needs as well. The relationship became an actual partnership, where each of us was contributing different attributes.

    We were not on the same page.

    It helps to be on the same page - at least as to major goals. If one of you is determined to live in Hawaii and the other in London, it is not likely to work out. If one of you wants kids and the other not, it won't work out. But many issues develop over time in a relationship that require compromise, and you can't predict these in advance.

    I just would like to meet someone with same/similar priorities. and I want to get married.
    You just have to be emotionally available for a relationship, and you will find someone when you least expect it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 14, 2012 8:57 AM GMT
    For me I think it comes down to the question of whether you can see a future with him. Definitely after the honeymoon period, when the right time I think it's important to discuss where you see yourself in say 5-10 years time. The "one" for me is someone who I can see myself growing "old" with yet being able to do everything else I want to accomplish in life (career, travel, kids etc).

    Keeping things interesting also is good, planning things in the years to come whether it be a future trip, building a house together, move to a new country together or whatever but having some future investment I think also helps. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 14, 2012 9:48 AM GMT
    You know, hearing from other men that seem genuinely interested in finding 'the one' and having a meaningful and fulfilling relationship, gives me hope that I may one day find mine icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 14, 2012 11:10 AM GMT
    I don't believe in 'the one.' I'm already one. I've done the math. Love is something that happens, and you follow it wherever it leads you. Sometimes it grows into something sustainable, but sometimes it doesn't. You can't be disappointed, becaused you loved.
  • FireDoor211

    Posts: 1030

    Aug 14, 2012 11:49 AM GMT
    If there is a "one" for me he would be my best friend. My husband was a good friend of mine who, well we kinda got married on a whim. We were both in the middle of a bit of trouble and we saw each other through it. We came to realize that we work great as a team, so we decided to get married. I think that's what makes a good marriage, first off you have to be friends and really get each other, and you have to work well together.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 14, 2012 12:31 PM GMT
    All great responses, guys. Thanks so much on all your perspectives.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 14, 2012 12:50 PM GMT
    Capn_A saidSo I recently came out of a 2 year relationship with a guy who I would say is probably now one of my best friends in the world. However, we are both at different places in our lives and decided the right thing to do was move on -- he is older, has kids and I am younger and still figuring out my path..... My last boyfriend before that, I was with for two years as well.

    While I loved both of these guys, in very different ways, part of me always knew neither of them were "the one." But sometimes I question my intuition....

    So I wonder if those of you out there, who are madly in love and have been with the same guy, how did you know he was the one for you?

    For me, I knew I clicked with both of my exes but I think there was that initial honeymoon period that faded for us.

    I know that to make a relationship work, it takes hard work. It takes compromise. You have to listen and be there for each other.

    But, I guess I just don't wanna give up on the romantic notion that I will meet someone and our love will continue to strengthen and grow over time and I will be more attracted to him as the years pass. I just wonder, have we been sold a myth of "true love"? Does that really exist? Is it sustainable? Or does it all eventually fade in to a great friendship?

    Something to ponder on a Monday afternoon....


    You know, I'm so glad you asked this question because I also wondered this too, just more out of curiosity since I have yet to have a relationship lol.

    To be honest, I think it's a mixture of both. You definitely have to put in the hard yards because love isn't always happy lala time and was extremely happy you said that yourself because sometimes I thought I was the only one that saw relationships that way.

    I think generally if 2 people work equally hard enough any relationship can work because I think part of the greatness of a relationship is discovering each other. It's like exploring new land, and you feel a sense of accomplishment because you got to discover it, in the same way you really get to learn about the person deeply and feel like you've both gone on to new levels and appreciate them more because you know them more.

    I also do think though that, and for lack of a better word, 'chemistry' has to feel right. Not to confuse the ups and downs with wavering chemistry, but sometimes some things you don't get to see clearly until you've stepped through it and it's with patience that you get to see.

    I don't know, sometimes thinking about the dynamics of relationships is enough to do my head in lol. That will never stop me from wanting one though.