Big Red Flags or me being an avoidant jerk?

  • SomeSiciliano...

    Posts: 543

    Aug 14, 2012 4:56 PM GMT
    I am not one to reach out on a forum for advice but I'm in a situation that is making me question my own sanity icon_sad.gif . I am going to try and keep this out of the TL;DR realm.

    I met this guy on a layover this spring....no it was not a hookup...it was a legit date. He is funny, he is smart and he is honest about his issues (past coke use/abuse). Hmmmmm. We have spent time together on several occasions: I enjoy his company (despite his seething jealousy if a man or woman even looks at me). We talk several times a day and always in the evening before I go to bed. Last night was the same routine...wished each other good night and I called it a night around 1130pm.

    Here is the rub: around 1-130am my time he blows up my phone...calling over and over...texting 'CALL ME' in between the 16 calls back to back. I answer, tired and annoyed with a firm 'WHAT??!!??' He said along the lines of 'oh I need you and you are pissed off and me again'.....I say AGAIN because this happens about once a week. When I do engage him it turns into an irrational quiz about (his) perceived inconsistencies about trivial things like my day...what I had for lunch or when I worked out, who my friends are, etc. (trust issues) I have told him that I will NOT engage him when he does this crap.

    This morning...I turn my phone on and it is full of texts like "I put you as a priority no matter what I am doing and am never rude to you' and 'when I called you and you were at the gym you made me feel bad...I stop whatever I am doing for you'. This is the norm after episodes like last night.....I dread turning my phone on. He is overall a great guy with a good heart...but these altercations are making me question; 1) my own sanity and behaviors and 2) long term viability of this relationship.

    Anyone have experience with this kind of behavior? I bid for a group of days off at the end of the month to fly down & spend a week with him and go to his God daughter's Quinceanera. My gut tells me this may not end well.

    Thank you guys.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 14, 2012 5:02 PM GMT
    well....that sort of insecurity on his part is a turn off

    but what can you do about it?

    if he is really important to you, you can call him on it, reassure him of his place in your life and state that his tantrums are disruptive...and does he really want to needlessly disrupt your life?

    if he's not that important, but you want to keep him...you can state that you both need to be on the same page in terms of importance. so he's not making you a higher priority than is appropriate, but there's no negativity

    if you talk several times a day already, well...what more does he want at this stage?

    if he keeps up with the drama, it may be that he's not really that good for you and you may need to cop out via some other bullshit exit strategy..because drama queens don't want to hear that their craziness is driving you away. so be prepared to create some other pretext for not progressing.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 14, 2012 5:26 PM GMT
    BiItalianBro saidMy gut tells me this may not end well.

    Thats waaaaaaayy too much drama for me. So yes there are big red flags in there. I think your gut instinct is right and you should go with it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 14, 2012 6:47 PM GMT
    walk away butter cup.... just walk away!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 14, 2012 6:55 PM GMT
    So, he's still using, right? Seems like some sort of substance is kicking in about the time he starts calling and texting.

    Tell him you're worried he's still using, and that you'll be a friend and drop him off at rehab.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 14, 2012 6:58 PM GMT
    mickeytopogigio saidSo, he's still using, right? Seems like some sort of substance is kicking in about the time he starts calling and texting.

    Tell him you're worried he's still using, and that you'll be a friend and drop him off at rehab.


    Sounds about right...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 14, 2012 7:02 PM GMT
    mickeytopogigio saidSo, he's still using, right? Seems like some sort of substance is kicking in about the time he starts calling and texting..

    Good observation! I've never dealt with anyone with a substance abuse problem and tend to miss those signs in posts like these. Learning experience for me....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 14, 2012 7:04 PM GMT
    Intolerable. Some measure of jealousy is OK and in fact I find it kind of alarming if a guy I'm seeing doesn't give a shit at all about what I'm doing, who I'm with, etc. But this boy is crazy. Fatal Attraction crazy. And for all his bs about how you're always his first priority, he's extremely selfish and inconsiderate. Run, don't walk.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Aug 14, 2012 7:25 PM GMT
    BiItalianBro saidI am not one to reach out on a forum for advice but I'm in a situation that is making me question my own sanity icon_sad.gif . I am going to try and keep this out of the TL;DR realm.

    I met this guy on a layover this spring....no it was not a hookup...it was a legit date. He is funny, he is smart and he is honest about his issues (past coke use/abuse). Hmmmmm. We have spent time together on several occasions: I enjoy his company (despite his seething jealousy if a man or woman even looks at me). We talk several times a day and always in the evening before I go to bed. Last night was the same routine...wished each other good night and I called it a night around 1130pm.

    Here is the rub: around 1-130am my time he blows up my phone...calling over and over...texting 'CALL ME' in between the 16 calls back to back. I answer, tired and annoyed with a firm 'WHAT??!!??' He said along the lines of 'oh I need you and you are pissed off and me again'.....I say AGAIN because this happens about once a week. When I do engage him it turns into an irrational quiz about (his) perceived inconsistencies about trivial things like my day...what I had for lunch or when I worked out, who my friends are, etc. (trust issues) I have told him that I will NOT engage him when he does this crap.

    This morning...I turn my phone on and it is full of texts like "I put you as a priority no matter what I am doing and am never rude to you' and 'when I called you and you were at the gym you made me feel bad...I stop whatever I am doing for you'. This is the norm after episodes like last night.....I dread turning my phone on. He is overall a great guy with a good heart...but these altercations are making me question; 1) my own sanity and behaviors and 2) long term viability of this relationship.

    Anyone have experience with this kind of behavior? I bid for a group of days off at the end of the month to fly down & spend a week with him and go to his God daughter's Quinceanera. My gut tells me this may not end well.

    Thank you guys.
    Dude, RUNNNN. He is BAT SHIT cRaZyYYY!
  • mtneerman

    Posts: 476

    Aug 14, 2012 7:59 PM GMT
    The only reason you should be doubting your own sanity is why you are putting up with this behavior. That kind of insecurity never goes away no matter what you do. You will spend your days constantly reassuring him that he is the only one. Next the accusations start and he'll start reading all the texts on you phone and ask you about your contacts ...
    This guy has serious trust issues for whatever reason, but don't be fooled into thinking you can help him. Run and change your phone number.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 14, 2012 9:45 PM GMT
    These threads seem to be a recurring thing here on RJ. I've only been a member for, like, a week and I've counted more than ten.

    OP,
    If the guy is crazy, just leave. If there are big, red flags, leave. Why is that so hard for some people?

    I can't stand the "I know he's bad, but I really care for him" or the "but he loooves me" excuse. Get out of there or quit complaining.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 14, 2012 9:48 PM GMT
    Way too many issues. Drop him!
  • jackthejock

    Posts: 395

    Aug 14, 2012 10:48 PM GMT
    dude is totally still using coke, that is the only people who ever behave like that.
  • SomeSiciliano...

    Posts: 543

    Aug 15, 2012 2:29 PM GMT


    Thank you guys for the sounding board. You all are affirming what my friends have been saying....almost verbatim. I have a trifecta; the gut check says cut and run...my friends say cut and run...now 3rd party virtual strangers say cut and run.

    Oh...I kept my phone on (silent) last night.....22 missed calls!! icon_eek.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 15, 2012 2:34 PM GMT
    Haxan1922 saidThese threads seem to be a recurring thing here on RJ. I've only been a member for, like, a week and I've counted more than ten.

    OP,
    If the guy is crazy, just leave. If there are big, red flags, leave. Why is that so hard for some people?

    I can't stand the "I know he's bad, but I really care for him" or the "but he loooves me" excuse. Get out of there or quit complaining.

    I agree that if there are red flags then move on. However this thread will make more sense as to why this is a recurring theme.

    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/2590052
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 15, 2012 2:39 PM GMT
    Egro_Nadley saidwell....that sort of insecurity on his part is a turn off

    but what can you do about it?

    if he is really important to you, you can call him on it, reassure him of his place in your life and state that his tantrums are disruptive...and does he really want to needlessly disrupt your life?

    if he's not that important, but you want to keep him...you can state that you both need to be on the same page in terms of importance. so he's not making you a higher priority than is appropriate, but there's no negativity

    if you talk several times a day already, well...what more does he want at this stage?

    if he keeps up with the drama, it may be that he's not really that good for you and you may need to cop out via some other bullshit exit strategy..because drama queens don't want to hear that their craziness is driving you away. so be prepared to create some other pretext for not progressing.


    ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^
    This + 1 Giant Boner For.. Egro.. (Egro icon_redface.gif )
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 15, 2012 2:44 PM GMT
    I had a friend like that. His last message to me was "he's sorry he ever met me". I told him not to contact me anymore and when he started sending texts of apologies, I told him he made his bed and he should live with it.

    No thanks.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 15, 2012 2:49 PM GMT
    tuffguyndc saidDude, RUNNNN. He is BAT SHIT cRaZyYYY!


    ^THIS

    You are supposedly a mature, 41 yo adult; you should know by now you can't fix someone; They can only fix themselves. Besides it's not like you have invested 5, 10, or 15 years with this person and there is a relationship worth saving.

    RUN FOR YOUR LIFE BEFORE IT IS SUCKED INTO THE VORTEX THAT IS HIS CRAZINESS!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 15, 2012 3:00 PM GMT
    You need your sleep and your sanity. It is time to let go.

  • Aug 15, 2012 3:03 PM GMT
    lilTanker saidwalk away butter cup.... just walk away!



    Don't walk away .... RUN! Dude isn't sane and no matter how nice he is, these issues are NOT going to go away.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Aug 15, 2012 3:07 PM GMT
    lilTanker saidwalk away butter cup.... just walk away!




    walk, hell!! RUN AWAY icon_exclaim.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 15, 2012 3:07 PM GMT
    Egro_Nadley saidwell....that sort of insecurity on his part is a turn off

    but what can you do about it?

    if he is really important to you, you can call him on it, reassure him of his place in your life and state that his tantrums are disruptive...and does he really want to needlessly disrupt your life?

    if he's not that important, but you want to keep him...you can state that you both need to be on the same page in terms of importance. so he's not making you a higher priority than is appropriate, but there's no negativity

    if you talk several times a day already, well...what more does he want at this stage?

    if he keeps up with the drama, it may be that he's not really that good for you and you may need to cop out via some other bullshit exit strategy..because drama queens don't want to hear that their craziness is driving you away. so be prepared to create some other pretext for not progressing.


    Nicely stated. Although (per exit strategy) I'd probably simply state that the mood swings are too much.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 15, 2012 6:57 PM GMT
    TellMeMoar said
    Haxan1922 saidThese threads seem to be a recurring thing here on RJ. I've only been a member for, like, a week and I've counted more than ten.

    OP,
    If the guy is crazy, just leave. If there are big, red flags, leave. Why is that so hard for some people?

    I can't stand the "I know he's bad, but I really care for him" or the "but he loooves me" excuse. Get out of there or quit complaining.

    I agree that if there are red flags then move on. However this thread will make more sense as to why this is a recurring theme.

    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/2590052


    Thanks! I'll definitely give it a read.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 15, 2012 7:21 PM GMT
    jackthejock saiddude is totally still using coke, that is the only people who ever behave like that.

    Maybe not the only ones, but given his admitted history, substance abuse of some sort should be suspected with this irrational behavior. Or maybe his prior abuse has permanently altered his personality for the worse.

    But speculation aside, is this guy worth the trouble? I'd say the cons outweigh the pros. I wouldn't settle for damaged goods when there are better options. I sense a pity motive here, and that's almost always a bad reason to stick with a guy that your gut is saying is wrong for you.