Dumped bf and have a broken heart and now feel hopeless about dating .

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 15, 2012 7:02 PM GMT
    Hi guys

    I was dating sOmeome I really liked and cared about who actually began to say he was falling in love with me etc. then he started playing games and things went so pear shaped I had no choice but to end it because he refused to talk and became really vile in his attitudes.

    Friends say I just dated a bad apple but I'm deeply hurt and not only that, but am beginning to wonder what the point is of dating if people screw with your feelings and emotions like this.

    It's damn painful and I'm extremely angry still as well as being really hurt. I just can't face dating again right now and just wondering how you guys have dealt with this ?

    Is it just gay men who are so shitty and dysfunctional or just men????
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    Aug 15, 2012 9:40 PM GMT
    I'm going through a similar thing right now. I think its just men in general. I find gay men to be very fickle though. I didnt fall for anyone for about 4 years, then recently met someone when I moved cities on the 2nd day, had feelings for him straight away, then he started withdrawing and is now having a midlife crisis coz he didnt screw around enough when he was young and feels he needs to do that at the age of 43 before his looks fade. So.. bye bye me. I'm so hurt, he's not sure what he wants, says he wants to be friends, dnt know if he'll even call me though. I'll give it a go with the hope of getting back with him, if it doesn't happen after a month, I'm outta here. I'm so hurt im just walking around like a zombie all day in constant pain. H'es not fussed at all.
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    Aug 15, 2012 10:20 PM GMT
    blactor saidIs it just gay men who are so shitty and dysfunctional or just men????

    That's a loaded question that assumes that either all gay men, or else all men, are worthless. The correct question is are SOME men shitty & dysfunctional? The answer is yes. Are ALL men shitty & dysfunctional? No.

    You may need to develop some personal resilience. You can't fold your hand every time you draw a bad card. Or if you're out driving and hit a deep pothole that dents your car's wheel, you can't swear-off driving forever.

    I like to use a fishing analogy. For every 10 casts you may be lucky to get 1 nibble. And for every 10 nibbles 1 bite. And for every 10 bites you haul in a keeper. You didn't get a keeper this time.

    Rather than cut bait and go home, try casting again. And again. And again. And maybe reconsider the bait you're using. If you think any of us catch a keeper in a couple of casts then you ain't no fisherman, and you've also got a lot to learn about the gay world. All gay men need a fisherman's patience, and optimism, that a keeper is out there waiting for you. Good luck! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Aug 15, 2012 10:25 PM GMT
    Art_Deco, that is one really good analogy icon_exclaim.gif More of us should keep this in mind when dating icon_smile.gif
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    Aug 15, 2012 10:37 PM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    blactor saidIs it just gay men who are so shitty and dysfunctional or just men????

    That's a loaded question that assumes that either all gay men, or else all men, are worthless. The correct question is are SOME men shitty & dysfunctional? The answer is yes. Are ALL men shitty & dysfunctional? No.

    You may need to develop some personal resilience. You can't fold your game every time you draw a bad card. Or if you're out driving and hit a deep pothole that dents your car's wheel, you can't swear-off driving forever.

    I like to use a fishing analogy. For every 10 casts you may be lucky to get 1 nibble. And for every 10 nibbles 1 bite. And for every 10 bites you haul in a keeper. You didn't get a keeper this time.

    Rather than cut bait and go home, try casting again. And again. And again. And maybe reconsider the bait you're using. If you think any of us catch a keeper in a couple of casts then you ain't no fisherman, and you've also got a lot to learn about the gay world. All gay men need a fisherman's patience, and optimism, that a keeper is out there waiting for you. Good luck! icon_biggrin.gif


    thats a damn good fucking analogy.
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    Aug 15, 2012 10:42 PM GMT
    I'm in the same place but I feel great about the freedom and possibilities. I met a dude the same week as my breakup and one a bit before when things got rough. The past does not exist so don't brood on it . Use your energy to make your present moment enjoyable. If you radiant happiness you
    will attract more guys than you can handle.
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    Aug 15, 2012 10:43 PM GMT
    you're reacting like a 16-year-old girl.

    is this your first break up, or?
  • jayatl56

    Posts: 463

    Aug 15, 2012 10:54 PM GMT
    I've gone through the same thing. Four years with someone who fell out of love with me, then I caught him cheating. He moved out not understanding how hurt I was. To him, it was as easy as "we can be friends" while I wanted a total disconnect. Well, he got his way ad I never recovered. Now, two years on, I'm away from him and doing much better. Do I miss him? Of course, but I can't go back. He keeps calling asking me what's wrong and that I'm his best friend, blah, blah, blah but I've really moved on.

    It can be done. Get busy with other things and completely disconnect from he guy. No email, no SMSing, nothing. It's really the only way. And with the exception of the guy who thinks we're 16 yr old girls for being who we are, you have a great support system right here. I think anyone of us will take a PM if you need to chat.
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    Aug 15, 2012 10:56 PM GMT
    eightball saidyou're reacting like a 16-year-old girl.

    is this your first break up, or?


    lol.

    He could just be a very sensitive person.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Aug 15, 2012 10:58 PM GMT
    "Went pear shaped".... kind of an interesting way to describe it.

    Sorry to hear about what happened. I think you just had a "bad pear" so to speak. or just somebody who wasn't right. Don't get negative, view your future positively. Use what you've learned to help, not hurt your attitude and move forward.. don't dwell on the dark parts of this.
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    Aug 15, 2012 11:08 PM GMT
    Blactor.. it would have been nice to hear some more details..
    How long were you two dating?
    How long after did things start going really bad?
    What were some of the 'games' he was playing?

    And if you don't want to give details..its really ok!
    Well i think you did the right thing ending it before it got really really really bad!..It shows self respect and integrity.

    Blactor you are not the first person to go through terrible heartbreak and you won't be the last..
    ..But you can do something positive for yourself..
    You can deal with this and not become bitter!

    ..Every failed relation i've had iv'e realized there were warning signs that i chose to ignore!..if you think really hard..this is probably the case with you ..

    ..Blactor not all men are evil..there are tons of good ones out there..just like a diamond..you have to do the digging..

    ..Bottom line You have to face it....You chose a guy that was not good for You..You are the only one that can truly protect You!!...

    If you accept this fact You will choose better guys....(And not be bitter)
    Feel Better ..
    HUGZ!

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    Aug 15, 2012 11:33 PM GMT
    blactor saidHi guys

    I was dating sOmeome I really liked and cared about who actually began to say he was falling in love with me etc. then he started playing games and things went so pear shaped I had no choice but to end it because he refused to talk and became really vile in his attitudes.

    Friends say I just dated a bad apple but I'm deeply hurt and not only that, but am beginning to wonder what the point is of dating if people screw with your feelings and emotions like this.

    It's damn painful and I'm extremely angry still as well as being really hurt. I just can't face dating again right now and just wondering how you guys have dealt with this ?

    Is it just gay men who are so shitty and dysfunctional or just men????


    Just curious if this is your first M/M relationship? Healing is a process, not an event. It just takes time. Find a new focus in your life- work, school, working out, hobbies, friends- and dont dwell on the past. Inevitably, there will be good and bad days. But as you move forward, the number of bad days will steadily decrease.
  • ac416

    Posts: 273

    Aug 15, 2012 11:41 PM GMT
    If you find dating Hopeless.....perfect! According to Rihanna you can find love in a Hopeless place icon_cool.gif
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    Aug 15, 2012 11:43 PM GMT
    delicious pears get such a bad wrap.
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    Aug 15, 2012 11:44 PM GMT
    psblond saidArt_Deco, that is one really good analogy icon_exclaim.gif More of us should keep this in mind when dating icon_smile.gif

    Thanks! And I hope you're looking, because you've got fantastic bait! You're 2 years older than me and look 20 times better! [SIGH]

    But yeah, yah never give up, you keep casting that bait. I found a partner at 53, which was old enough. I lost him at 55 when he died. icon_cry.gif

    Found my current partner at 58, beating all the odds. Are we even allowed to have 2? Or maybe he gets the acknowledgement, because he's even older.

    Dating to me was an art in itself, and its own reward. It might lead to more, or maybe not. But however it turned out, I was rarely shortchanged. To date a guy is a pleasure and a reward in itself.

    It's when you start prematurely viewing each date as your next partner that you fail. A date is a date, to be savored for the moment. When date with him follows date, and this is the only guy you're dating, then you can begin to read the handwriting on the wall.

    But never read too much into things too soon. The chase is the reward, the capture is the reward. It's all the reward, if you know how to play the game. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Aug 15, 2012 11:53 PM GMT
    Thanks Art -

    Like you I found my last partner late in life - he was 55, I was 51 - unfortunately lost him 10 year later to lung cancer, thrusting me back in to the dating pool.

    It is truly a numbers game and also keeping a positive mind set. Not everyone is going to like us, just as we are not going to like everyone. But getting discouraged over the wrong ones doesn't get you anywhere. Just necessary to dust yourself off and get back up, try again, and again, and again .... and if you are lucky the right one will finally be there icon_smile.gif

    Good luck to all of us in that search!
  • mybud

    Posts: 11819

    Aug 16, 2012 12:17 AM GMT
    The end of a relationship is like that of a death of a friend or family member...You go through stages of grief....Anger....sadness.....Take some time away from dating...Take this time to find yourself again...What have you learned about yourself during this situation?....Relationships in general?...Focus on your needs..wants...and goals..Strive for the love you deserve...it's out there man....
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    Aug 16, 2012 12:23 AM GMT
    There are plenty of near-sociopaths posing as good and caring people and it s easy to fall into the trap.....who can tell?

    Gay men may not have the stick-to-it-tive-ness that many mature men (of either preference) may have....that is my experience. Practice makes perfect.

    Dont hesitate to see an MD if anxiety or whatever sets in....regardless of cause.