Looking for people in similar situation- 8 year difference in dating.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 16, 2012 4:01 AM GMT
    I am looking for some advice, wisdom, encouragement, or just general conversation with gay men who have dated others with an 8+ year age difference. I'm guessing that would be all of you icon_twisted.gif
    j/k

    Anyway,
    I met this guy last week. We started talking online and discussed similar interests for a couple of weeks before meeting. We ended up meeting and going to a restaurant for dinner, then coming back to my place and letting loose. We didn't have sex, but everything else just kind of happened.
    I am 29, and he is 22. I figure he was just so damn horny for my **** he couldn't keep his hands off of me, and I didn't resist icon_twisted.gificon_twisted.gif

    Well, I feel like I really, really, reallllly like him.. in fact, I think about him all the time, and he totally lightens me up. I haven't felt this light, care free, and "in love" in a very long time. I'm not somebody who just meets random people online all the time and hooks up, so there was obviously something that attracted me to him initially other than physical.
    We have a lot in common and a lot of differences, but we always have something to talk about. He is very smart- going to a good school for astrophysics, so he has brains and beauty. I am totally infatuated with him- he is the most adorable guy, extremely handsome, athletic, total guy/ dude, like me, and those are so hard to find that I feel there was some divine intervention somewhere!

    With all of this said, it is still weird to think that he is only 22 and still in college and I am almost 30 and we are pretty much dating at this point. In my own opinion, I don't find anything wrong with it. But, I guess culturally, it can be looked down upon. Anyway, He says he has always been attracted to "older" guys (oh boy.. I knew this would come eventually in life, but I didn't know it'd get here so quick! icon_biggrin.gif) but that they have treated him like shit, used him, cheated on him, etc. I wouldn't dare do any of that, I have too much respect and appreciation and love for him (and myself). I know his self esteem can be low at times, which comes with being that age and having strict Catholic parents who disowned you after you came out, but I want to show him what an awesome person he is. He makes me so god damn happy to be alive.

    I guess one thing that I am afraid of is that I might be some hobby for him and he will be on to the next guy. I don't want to be used. I love so much and I feel like I am opening up a lot to him and I really really don't want to be destroyed like I have in the past. But, you only live once, and I'm going to love, for I haven't felt this alive in years!!

    ***UPDATE Aug. 18***

    OK, where do I even begin.

    The elated feelings I had just a week ago have transformed into a monstrous murky cataclysm of irritability, anger, ache, and frustration.

    I met up with him on Thursday night to hang out at a bar with his friends. I usually don't go to bars as I gave up the drinking life years ago but I figured since he has gone out of his way to see me, I could reciprocate.

    Well, when I first got there, his ex boyfriend walked in, and my date made a point of telling me "that's my ex I haven't seen him in 6 months I have to go talk to him!" So I'm like.. OK, whatever, really, that's fine. I am friends with my exes too.
    So I am sitting at the table talking with his friends for 45 fucking minutes and I get pissed and go to look for him. This is a really crowded bar in a small college town. I find him and confront him, telling him I'm leaving, that he is ignoring me, and he goes off on me about how I'm jealous, I'm insecure, how he wants to hang out and talk with his friends, how it is not all about me...

    OK, well, for some reason, I continued on with the night. When I told him I was leaving he grabbed my arm and begged me not to leave.
    Then, when we were in the bathroom, I heard him telling some guy at the sink that I was his boyfriend. Talk about mixed messages.

    We ended up going to another dance bar with his friends and HIS EX BOYFRIEND who did not look me in the eye the entire night, and this other guy, who my date told me they "like each other."
    Everybody is dancing and having a good time, and it gets to be 1:30, and I tell him I want to leave. He says "5 more minutes!!" so I wait 10 minutes and then we walk out together. I drive him home, and when I walk in, the apartment is your typical college student disaster area. His bedroom had dirty clothes all over the floor. We smoked a little mj and he started telling me that I need to be a man and take charge of him. Well, for me, I get really passive when I smoke so that's pretty hard to do naturally.
    He would say little things to me during the night to try to get at me. He told me if I didn't fuck him that night that he would fuck somebody else that weekend. We tried to have sex but I could not get hard for the life of me, probably because I was drinking, smoking, and fucking around with somebody that is incredibly insecure and immature.

    We wake up and take a walk. Along the walk he is telling me a variety of things "I'm a broke college student and I won't ever be able to take you out to dinner or buy you nice things. You should be with somebody that has money" "I bet you were a nerd in high school" "You're not a bro or a frat guy, you're too nice. I usually date frat boys" "I don't trust you" "I just got out of rehab 5 months ago" "I'm not mature enough yet to deal with people properly" "I really like the guy at the bar last night and we are taking things slow because I think he is the one I want to be with." "I still have feelings for my ex boyfriend."

    Jesus Christ, I couldn't even keep up. This boy is CRAZY. I can't believe I let myself fall into this so much. It was like he was trying to find all my weaknesses and insecurities and destroy me. I will admit, I have been pretty depressed since then and have been processing all of this. He total changed into a monster. I guess the alcohol helped him show that side of him.

    If anything, I hope that you readers have been entertained with this little episode from the soap opera that is my dating life.

    What a hot mess.


    ***UPDATE Aug. 19***

    You guys are going to think I'm cucking frazy.

    So he called me late last night and basically broke down saying that he said all of those things to try to make me jealous because he has a fear of getting close to me due to being used and cheated on by all his other ex- boyfriends. He wanted to get my reaction to see if I really liked him because he thought I was just using him for sex, as he is used to.
    I told him that I really did like him but Thursday night really killed it because he treated me like shit and I don't want to be compared to any of his exes. He told me that he knows it was stupid of him to say and he regrets it.

    He wants to see me today and talk more about it. Obviously, I am not going to be as open and free loving if I do meet up with him. But I still have feelings for him. He even went so far as to say that he was in love with me. I wish I would have known that before he went crazy on Thursday night!

    So, if I do decide to meet up with him today, how should I approach it? I am kind of apprehensive that he will turn on me again but that's just my own survival instincts kicking in. No person and no relationship is perfect and I'm sure a lot of strong relationships have gone through these rocky growing pains as well, especially coming from someone who was pretty abused in the past.

    Now I feel embarrassed to even have my picture up. This thread should be put in the museum of psychology.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 16, 2012 4:22 AM GMT
    If you're happy then it shouldn't be an issue. An 8 year difference is nothing... and I mean nothing. Like you have mentioned you only have one life so it's important to live it the way you see fit. You're not hurting anyone else and you have nothing to lose.

    By the way I'm dating someone 20+ years older then me and it's great!
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    Aug 16, 2012 4:34 AM GMT
    Thanks dude icon_smile.gif All the best to you.

    The best part is that he makes me want to be a better person, the best person I can be. I am more motivated now in my life and I have a calm aura everywhere I go. It is fucking fantastic. It's not that I'm co- dependent.. I'm still very independent. But he's kind of like the energy boost in a Jamba Juice. Such a poet am I
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    Aug 16, 2012 5:02 AM GMT
    timshel saidThanks dude icon_smile.gif All the best to you.

    The best part is that he makes me want to be a better person, the best person I can be. I am more motivated now in my life and I have a calm aura everywhere I go. It is fucking fantastic. It's not that I'm co- dependent.. I'm still very independent. But he's kind of like the energy boost in a Jamba Juice. Such a poet am I


    You do have a way with words. I'm super happy for you, man. Everyone deserves a chance at happiness and this sounds like something that is improving your life. Good for you and go for it! Keep us updated with how everything goes.

    -Josh
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    Aug 16, 2012 5:09 AM GMT
    I've had three live-in relationships. Two of them were 11 years older than myself. Age was never an issue.
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    Aug 16, 2012 5:31 AM GMT
    That's a really cute post, im excited for you; finding that kind of joy out of someone else is totally rare!
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    Aug 16, 2012 5:47 AM GMT
    Go for it - as long as it is good for the two of you. My partner is 8 years younger than me, and we have been together for over 20 years. (He was older than 22 when we met.) But since your guy is only 22, remember that he will be going through some development - he may have or form career goals - educational pursuits, etc, - and you would not want to smother him with direction. You will no doubt get some stares when you go out together (like older men with 20 year old girls get in our society) but don't let that bother you if you are in love. It's your business, not theirs. And that will pass. Like you said you only live once. You can't know where it leads until you get there. You only have the present. The future is promised to no one.
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    Aug 16, 2012 5:51 AM GMT
    hikeswimskiSF saidGo for it - as long as it is good for the two of you. My partner is 8 years younger than me, and we have been together for over 20 years. (He was older than 22 when we met.) But since your guy is only 22, remember that he will be going through some development - he may have or form career goals - educational pursuits, etc, - and you would not want to smother him with direction. You will no doubt get some stares when you go out together (like older men with 20 year old girls get in our society) but don't let that bother you if you are in love. It's your business, not theirs. And that will pass. Like you said you only live once. You can't know where it leads until you get there. You only have the present. The future is promised to no one.


    He wants to go to graduate school in Seattle in a year. Who knows what will happen by then, but it pretty much guarantees that this can not be a permanent relationship. That's another big drag.. is it worth it falling in love and being with somebody for a year to know that it is going to have to end and you are going to be really hurt?
    Maybe I should ask someone with a terminal illness who's partner only has weeks to live if it would be worth it. I think I found my answer.
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    Aug 16, 2012 6:28 AM GMT
    timshel said
    hikeswimskiSF saidGo for it - as long as it is good for the two of you. My partner is 8 years younger than me, and we have been together for over 20 years. (He was older than 22 when we met.) But since your guy is only 22, remember that he will be going through some development - he may have or form career goals - educational pursuits, etc, - and you would not want to smother him with direction. You will no doubt get some stares when you go out together (like older men with 20 year old girls get in our society) but don't let that bother you if you are in love. It's your business, not theirs. And that will pass. Like you said you only live once. You can't know where it leads until you get there. You only have the present. The future is promised to no one.


    He wants to go to graduate school in Seattle in a year. Who knows what will happen by then, but it pretty much guarantees that this can not be a permanent relationship. That's another big drag.. is it worth it falling in love and being with somebody for a year to know that it is going to have to end and you are going to be really hurt?
    Maybe I should ask someone with a terminal illness who's partner only has weeks to live if it would be worth it. I think I found my answer.

    Sounds like you already are in love, worth it or not - but then, it has only been one week as you said. . Maybe it continues on after he moves to Seattle - a LDR and a couple hours away. Something to talk about with him. Maybe it ends then. What does he want? Does he think about you all the time? You two need to talk.
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    Aug 16, 2012 6:36 AM GMT
    [quote]
    Sounds like you already are in love, worth it or not - but then, it has only been one week as you said. . Maybe it continues on after he moves to Seattle - a LDR and a couple hours away. Something to talk about with him. Maybe it ends then. What does he want? Does he think about you all the time? You two need to talk.[/quote]

    I did make it sound pretty serious.. and it's not that serious, I was speaking hypothetically.
    We have talked a little bit- he goes to college 30 minutes away from where I live and he came to see me after class Monday (considered skipping a class to see me earlier :-)) and came to see me on Saturday. So he is putting in a lot of effort to see me which is good. And he says he doesn't sleep around either. When I mentioned to him that I have a friend that wants me to introduce me to her gay cousin, I could see there was some concern in his face, even though he was trying to hide it, so I got some good message there.

    We will talk, and I'll just tell him that I do like to spend time with him and I really like him as a person and not just his body, and that I like to be a one guy type of guy and if we continue to fool around and see each other what do you think about being exclusive?
    Too soon for that?
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    Aug 16, 2012 11:19 AM GMT
    There's nothing to worry about. As others previously said, enjoy the ride and see where it takes you. Both of you are in different stages in life, but that's where the fun and challenge in the relationship - to make it work despite the differences. I would suggest go on more dates. You won't know if he's the one until you've seen the good, the bad and the worst of the guy.
  • FireDoor211

    Posts: 1030

    Aug 16, 2012 11:30 AM GMT
    After my ex, (who I had an 8 year age difference with) and I split up I swore I would never date a younger guy again. The immaturity that comes with and early 20's guy just didn't seem worth it, despite how alluring they can be. This would be one of the reasons that I kept turning my husband down when he was throwing himself at me. He and I share a 10 year age difference. The thing is, he and I don't just share interests, who we are matches up in alot of ways. We want the same things out of life, so it makes working together a little more worthwhile.

    I guess my advice is to proceed slow and with caution. Don't forget how impetuous you were when you were his age. Its so much easier to get caught up in the moment and not consider where it may be going, inadvertently hurting many people on your way. So, take your time and don't get swept up in the feelings.
  • O5vx

    Posts: 3154

    Aug 16, 2012 11:32 AM GMT
    Write it down like you did here and give it to him. I am sure he will be glad you did.
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    Aug 16, 2012 12:17 PM GMT
    8 years is nothin'..At one point when i was 28 i wad dating a 50 y/o..
    He was a great guy..(he moved and i couldn't)..
    So 8 years...Go for it !!.and
    Post pics here Dammit!!
    Good luck!
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    Aug 16, 2012 12:25 PM GMT
    According to my Chinese Astrology spreadsheet, an 8 year difference is good.

    Example:

    58 years - Age of the Wood Horse

    50 years - Age of the Water Tiger

    42 years - Age of the Metal Dog


    In Chinese Astrology, Horse - Tiger - Dog forms a trine (nicely compatible).

    Also in Chinese Astrology

    Metal nurtures Water

    and

    Water nurtures Wood.

    (In full: Metal > Water > Wood > Fire > Earth > Metal ...)
  • swall1963

    Posts: 161

    Aug 16, 2012 3:26 PM GMT
    I am currently dating a guy who is 32 and I am 48. It works out well for both of us. He keeps me active and I keep him more grounded.

    Back when I was 27 I dated a guy who was 19. We had a great 3 year relationship.

    Age is just a number. It matters more what the two of you feel for each other.
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    Aug 16, 2012 4:03 PM GMT
    My first BF was 20 years older.

    My first True Love was My same age.

    My first "husband" was 12 years older.

    My second was 14 years older.

    My third (nearly 14 years LTR) was 7 years younger.

    Do what You want with the math.

    Yer Heart and Spirit doesn't ask for I.D.

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    Aug 16, 2012 4:05 PM GMT
    age isnt a problem, age+huuuuge difference in income = problem in my experience,

    me and my partner are 20yrs apart, no problems we're in very siilair places in life and all is good 3 yrs later....

    so no 8 years is scarecly a difference in my opinion
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    Aug 16, 2012 4:07 PM GMT
    Sounds like you're having fun, though it strikes me funny that you've only met him a week and already consider the two of you to be dating. People move so fast these days, but I suppose you have to in order to keep up/stay ahead.
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    Aug 16, 2012 4:09 PM GMT
    Cash saidMy first BF was 20 years older.

    My first True Love was My same age.

    My first "husband" was 12 years older.

    My second was 14 years older.

    My third (nearly 14 years LTR) was 7 years younger.

    Do what You want with the math.

    Yer Heart and Spirit doesn't ask for I.D.


    icon_biggrin.gif

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    This* Quoted For Heart and Truth* icon_wink.gificon_wink.gificon_wink.gif
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    Aug 16, 2012 4:24 PM GMT
    daviddoublebay said
    Cash saidMy first BF was 20 years older.

    My first True Love was My same age.

    My first "husband" was 12 years older.

    My second was 14 years older.

    My third (nearly 14 years LTR) was 7 years younger.

    Do what You want with the math.

    Yer Heart and Spirit doesn't ask for I.D.

    icon_biggrin.gif

    icon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gif


    THAT ^ made me feel .... nice.

    Sounds as if you've been very blessed in life. I'm sure you carry a part of every one of your love's in you.


    I have been EXTREMELY lucky.

    And the best is yet to come...

    icon_wink.gificon_wink.gificon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 16, 2012 4:25 PM GMT
    So what exactly are you ranting on about? If age is a number, then anything within 10 years definitely doesn't matter. I hooked up with a man 10 years my senior and I also went on a date just yesterday with a man who is 6 years older than me. So really who cares? Get out there and get your man. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 16, 2012 4:51 PM GMT
    daviddoublebay said
    Cash said
    daviddoublebay said
    Cash saidMy first BF was 20 years older.

    My first True Love was My same age.

    My first "husband" was 12 years older.

    My second was 14 years older.

    My third (nearly 14 years LTR) was 7 years younger.

    Do what You want with the math.

    Yer Heart and Spirit doesn't ask for I.D.

    icon_biggrin.gif

    icon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gif


    THAT ^ made me feel .... nice.

    Sounds as if you've been very blessed in life. I'm sure you carry a part of every one of your love's in you.


    I have been EXTREMELY lucky.

    And the best is yet to come...

    icon_wink.gificon_wink.gificon_wink.gif


    I'm glad you realize that the best is yet to come. icon_razz.gificon_redface.gificon_razz.gif

    I remember your story about meeting the Count in Switzerland.

    Is that still the dream of how you see your life? Well... except perhaps with a Count around the same age as you? Living, loving and reveling in everything this world has to offer?

    Is that the ideal you still wish for?

    I'd love to know. I truly would.


    LOL - I can't believe You remember that post!!!!

    The Count is who I hope to be when I grow up.

    If I can bound down the stairs in My 80's and stop traffic with the glint in My eye -- I will have TRULY arrived....

    icon_wink.gificon_wink.gificon_wink.gif
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Aug 16, 2012 4:53 PM GMT
    I once dated a guy who was nine years older than me, and to be honest I was embarrassed to introduce him to my friends. Now that I'm older than he was when we dated, I don't think I'd ever date someone who was younger or older than me. I'm not interested in judging others; I just don't think it could work for me.

    One of the greatest things about the relationship I'm in now is that we're only nine months apart. Even though we grew up in different states, we were both kids in the '80s, watching the same cartoons, and going through the same milestones at the same time.

    People I know personally who date younger guys always seem to screw their boyfriends up unintentionally. It always seems like someone is being used. Again, I won't judge you for it, but I wouldn't recommend it at all. It's taboo with straight people too.
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    Aug 16, 2012 5:15 PM GMT
    HottJoe saidI once dated a guy who was nine years older than me, and to be honest I was embarrassed to introduce him to my friends. Now that I'm older than he was when we dated, I don't think I'd ever date someone who was younger or older than me. I'm not interested in judging others; I just don't think it could work for me.

    One of the greatest things about the relationship I'm in now is that we're only nine months apart. Even though we grew up in different states, we were both kids in the '80s, watching the same cartoons, and going through the same milestones at the same time.

    People I know personally who date younger guys always seem to screw their boyfriends up unintentionally. It always seems like someone is being used. Again, I won't judge you for it, but I wouldn't recommend it at all. It's taboo with straight people too.


    Taboo???

    I realize you are just trolling here...but SERIOUSLY???

    If the basis of yer "relationships" is cartoons...well, nuff said.

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