Aug 16, 2012 10:05 PM GMT
As a child I can remember things being so less confusing things seem to be so clear and known feelings where simple and direct if you where sad you cried if happy you smiled now things and feelings are not so simple to express and show. My emotions are masked by my outer appearance I don’t show the emotions I am feeling so clear any more life has become so much more confusing and obligated. I see the days of my life now hold duties and work that I am required to do without question or compliant. Yet this seems to hide the true feelings I am having inside. In this time and at this age the years already seem to have snuck past me and I find years a blur to me I feel the confusion the turmoil inside. I don’t act on these like a child anymore. I do as expected of me and I keep the feelings inside. As an adult we don’t have the freedom to act on these feelings any more we don’t have the time or luxury to stop what we are doing and release them. I have been at war with my heart and mind for some time since I joined the army just more than two years ago. I have often thought and wondered why I thought so wildly and with no logic or concept of reality. I was so blinded by this dream and wish of what I wanted not seeing the truth in the matter I loved and thought I was loved back but not to the extends I wanted. I left my home and all the things I loved for this reason only to abruptly see the truth and now I live it out here in Iraq Now. I have thrown myself into this situation with such a naive heart. I have learned a lot through this journey up to this Point. I have become a part of people’s lives now that care about me and would support me in any thing I face. This has made a big change in my openness to people and life. But the fear that all this will fall away once we are no longer working living near each other 24/7 is close in mind. I remember the life that I had as a child and all the tough times I have had and seen. The Pains of the heart never seem to cease living as we do they are always there but now scars on our hearts and souls’ reminding us that it was real. I can remember the challenges that I faced as I learned who I was and accepted it. I’m learning to stand strong and honest in my heart now. Thou I find myself at odds on these feelings and emotions through my journey and part of my life. A side of me inside is screaming at myself to stop this hiding and lying and just trying to never really speak the truth about myself or pains. I keep this inside I can’t find a place in this world it consumes every day and moment of my life now. I remember the Lessons taught to me by My Mother the love and support she always had in me no matter how bad I messed up. Don’t get me wrong, but she would be mad but I now only in my actions not in me.