Sexual performance causing me stress.. can't get erection with condom

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 18, 2012 4:33 AM GMT
    I have been with a guy that I am very physically attracted to- he has a great athletic body and is a very beautiful boy. He is very sexual and really turns me on.
    He really wants me to top him, and I really want to as well, however, each time I put a condom on I lose my erection and I can't get it back. This is making me feel inadequate and is very depressing. I am only 29 and I feel like I can't perform.
    I figure this is all in my head. Does anybody know of any proven books or exercises to get over the psychology of inability to maintain erection? I bought some Chinese herbs for male virility as well as something called a "KegalMale" which is a weight system that you use to strengthen all those muscles down there which is supposed to strengthen erections.
    But I do feel that there can be a lot of mind chatter when I am having sex that can distract me and kill my erection. I don't want to lose him because I can't please him, and I am very turned on by him, so it is all very complicated.
    Should I just go see a good sex therapist??
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 19, 2012 7:07 AM GMT
    I believe a good therapist will give you the best advice ! Go seek one
    Wish u all the best
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 19, 2012 8:07 AM GMT
    1, Be well hydrated.

    Being dehydrated can cause all kinds of erectile issues - including going soft when you're putting on a condom.

    2. Make sure the condom fits

    A condom that is too tight may be your problem - try some of the larger ones out solo - they're not just long, some of them are girthier too..

    3, Get some practice in.

    Start masturbating with condoms on - getting hard and then putting it on. then continuing.

    Once you're able to do that, try something like a fleshlight.

    You'll get there - you're neither inadequate or a non-performer.

    4. Check your diet out - make sure you're getting enough minerals, especially trace elements as deficiencies can also cause this issue (fruit helps - especially red berries)

    5. Check with your MD if any drugs or supplements you take, including vitamins and body building supps - could be interacting - some have effects which are amplified by each other, or reduced by each other.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 19, 2012 8:12 AM GMT
    I had the same issue. Maybe you're more of a bottom unless it is bare as a top? It just takes practice. Keep at it. You may have anxiety which is spiraling into this issue and feeding on itself.

    Just see a real therapist. Don't waste your money on that "get harder erections with herbs and this exercise" marketing and quackery. Erections are mostly mental.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 19, 2012 8:22 AM GMT
    I had the same problem recently, thankfully it was only anxiety-related. What helped was taking the condom off, continuing with some more foreplay and relaxing until another erection came around, then trying again with a fresh condom.

    This may or may not also work for you, so talking with your guy and/or a sex therapist would prove more useful. Just work on relaxing in the meantime, enjoy your time with him and communicate.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 19, 2012 8:30 AM GMT
    dude you need xxl condoms.. You have a fat cok..might be short or long..but fat...trojan xxl,,,
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 19, 2012 9:59 AM GMT
    Make it part of the foreplay and let him put it on you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 19, 2012 10:19 AM GMT
    think of the consequences of unsafe sex

    usually does the trick


    Also: why r so many so quick to run to a Dr? Many things can be alleviated by self awareness, self research, eating healthier and taking natural supplements.
    Sad to say but I feel people should follow Dr Oz rather than their own Dr. So much lack of compassion and too quick to write a prescript for medications that make people feel worse
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 19, 2012 10:43 AM GMT
    You mentioned in another thread that, in addition to other sports, you've gotten into biking recently. Not that 20 miles is all that far / long, but I've read that in some cases, time in the saddle can cause issues with getting / maintaining erections due to the pressure bike seats can put on sensitive nerves down there. Make sure you're wearing padded shorts and have a "male-friendly" bike seat (usually cut out in the center). Also, try to spend some time OUT of the saddle and change your position on the saddle to maintain proper blood flow.

    This may or not be contributing to your issues. But as another poster mentioned above, erections are as much mental as physical, so worrying about it and getting anxious every time you're going to have sex will only make it worse. Try to relax and enjoy!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 19, 2012 11:43 AM GMT
    This isn't unusual. Based on your post, it has nothing to do with penile strength, lack of blood flow or small condoms.

    sc69's reply re. jerking off with condoms and graduating to wearing condoms with a fleshlight is the best advice in this thread.

    There's no reason to be embarrassed.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 19, 2012 11:57 AM GMT
    Can you usually achieve and maintain an erection (when masturbating, for example)? If so, you probably have performance anxiety and the (very necessary, but rather clinical) condom-donning ceremony is causing you to fixate on it. Remember, real life is not a porn movie. Discuss your anxiety with your partner and allow him to help you get over it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 19, 2012 12:06 PM GMT
    you're psycheing yourself out with all the performance pressure. so remove the source of stress, and take anal sex off the table for now.

    often times gay guys only focus on anal sex, but its a very intimate thing and you know asses can be tight and they don't just let a cock fall in! it takes time and patience and foreplay to prep an asshole before enjoyable anal sex can happen.

    focus on being intimate. naked. touching, licking. sucking. fingering his hole. rub your dick on his ass. just enjoy each other's company. jerk each other off or together. cum on each other! just do everything except anal fucking.

    when the time's right for anal sex, you'll know.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 19, 2012 12:10 PM GMT
    get him to put it on you for you, not just 'pushing it on'.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 19, 2012 6:50 PM GMT
    kingmo said you're psycheing yourself out with all the performance pressure. so remove the source of stress, and take anal sex off the table for now.

    often times gay guys only focus on anal sex, but its a very intimate thing and you know asses can be tight and they don't just let a cock fall in! it takes time and patience and foreplay to prep an asshole before enjoyable anal sex can happen.

    focus on being intimate. naked. touching, licking. sucking. fingering his hole. rub your dick on his ass. just enjoy each other's company. jerk each other off or together. cum on each other! just do everything except anal fucking.

    when the time's right for anal sex, you'll know.



    So wise, KimgMo is....
  • camfer

    Posts: 891

    Aug 19, 2012 7:11 PM GMT
    Lots of good advice. More options:

    - try a female condom with the 2nd ring removed. This condom goes in the receptive partner so you as the top has nothing to put on.

    - keep switching condom brands until you find one that's right for you. They come in different sizes, thicknesses, material. Go to a store that specializes in condoms and talk to the sales folk.

    - sounds like part of the problem is the time it takes to put it on. So have it unwrapped close at hand, with the tip unrolled the right way. Do lots of assplay with your partner, so that when he's ready and you're hard you can put it on and get it in with 2-3 seconds.

    - get a sample of an ED pill and use it. It's probably all in your head and not physiological, but maybe a pill one time will give you the confidence you need for future times.

    - don't jerk off for a few days before you have sex with him.



  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Aug 19, 2012 7:14 PM GMT
    timshel saidI have been with a guy that I am very physically attracted to- he has a great athletic body and is a very beautiful boy. He is very sexual and really turns me on.
    He really wants me to top him, and I really want to as well, however, each time I put a condom on I lose my erection and I can't get it back. This is making me feel inadequate and is very depressing. I am only 29 and I feel like I can't perform.
    I figure this is all in my head. Does anybody know of any proven books or exercises to get over the psychology of inability to maintain erection? I bought some Chinese herbs for male virility as well as something called a "KegalMale" which is a weight system that you use to strengthen all those muscles down there which is supposed to strengthen erections.
    But I do feel that there can be a lot of mind chatter when I am having sex that can distract me and kill my erection. I don't want to lose him because I can't please him, and I am very turned on by him, so it is all very complicated.
    Should I just go see a good sex therapist??
    viagra?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 19, 2012 7:34 PM GMT
    Make sure you're buying the thinnest brand out there and when you're all hotted up and hard make sure he puts it on you.. To do this.right. discuss with him before hand that the next time the two of you are going to get down and dirty he's to take the initiative silently (the condom should already have been ripped out of its foil etc before you even begin) and put it on you when you're good and hard and go from there..(no muss no fuss lol) That way you don't even have to think about it or even ask him to do it, which gets you thinking about it. which is what you don't want.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 19, 2012 7:41 PM GMT
    Ex_Mil8 saidRemember, real life is not a porn movie.


    ^^^^Exactly that. Well said.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 19, 2012 7:43 PM GMT
    OP, I think you may be a bottom... when I put a condom on I go limp just like you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 19, 2012 7:46 PM GMT
    timshel saidI have been with a guy that I am very physically attracted to- he has a great athletic body and is a very beautiful boy. He is very sexual and really turns me on.
    He really wants me to top him, and I really want to as well, however, each time I put a condom on I lose my erection and I can't get it back. This is making me feel inadequate and is very depressing. I am only 29 and I feel like I can't perform.
    I figure this is all in my head. Does anybody know of any proven books or exercises to get over the psychology of inability to maintain erection? I bought some Chinese herbs for male virility as well as something called a "KegalMale" which is a weight system that you use to strengthen all those muscles down there which is supposed to strengthen erections.
    But I do feel that there can be a lot of mind chatter when I am having sex that can distract me and kill my erection. I don't want to lose him because I can't please him, and I am very turned on by him, so it is all very complicated.
    Should I just go see a good sex therapist??

    Are you sure it's you and not the condom? There are some prelubed condoms that kill my erection. Something in the lube. So I just buy unlubed Trojans and put my own lube on there. I prefer the Swiss Army brand. Works like a charm.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 19, 2012 7:48 PM GMT
    I have the same problem. When I put it on, I go limp. Its so tight. And im not hung
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 19, 2012 8:11 PM GMT
    timshel saidShould I just go see a good sex therapist??

    Not yet - experiment first. Can you masturbate successfully in private? Have you ever had this problem with a condom before, and with any man before, or is he your first bottom?

    1. Try jerking off while wearing the condoms you've been using with him. If you lose hardness, possible causes could be:

    - Condom too tight, as mentioned above. Try an XL size.
    - Latex, spermicide or lube sensitivity. Try a synthetic condom, and ones without spermicide or lube (though liberally use a separate sex lube with him at all times)
    - Wearing a condom may be causing you to relive your problem with him, even in private. In that case, proceed to step 2:

    2. If you can successfully masturbate wearing the same brand condom in private, then your problem with him may be psychological or low sex drive.

    - You may be less into him than you realize.
    - Classic performance anxiety, that also strikes straight men.
    - You may have a subconscious aversion to anal sex, despite a conscious desire to try. Have you been a successful top prior to him?
    - Having sex too soon prior to seeing him may be depressing your hormone levels, lowering your sex drive. Try 48-hour total abstinence before seeing him.

    Some of those things above have happened to me. A tight condom will deflate me, not sure why. Early in my topping I simply wasn't too enthusiastic about the whole idea, and I'd lose my erection after entering. And if I just wasn't into the guy, and he failed to give me good feedback, I could go soft at any point in the act. I tell the story of a first-time fuck with a guy that was going strong, until he started yelling he wanted me to marry him and move in next day. I went flat in about 10 seconds.

    Yet with a looser condom, and a hot guy with personality and enthusiasm I'll stay hard for as long as he can take it. So there's some things to check, some questions to answer. And if your problem seems to be focused on item 2, the psychological, then yeah, see a therapist. But first eliminate the mechanical.

    And if all else fails, you could try Viagra or Cialis from a doctor.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 19, 2012 8:16 PM GMT
    How often do you masturbate and reach orgasm? Maybe you should try and ease up on it if it's a couple of times a day.

    And regarding the foreplay, try giving massages too. Foreplay includes many things, but massages can be that one erotic thing that could help keep it up.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 20, 2012 2:49 AM GMT
    I forgot about this post so sorry that I haven't responded until now.

    To answer your questions:

    I have bottomed before and liked it, but more times I have not enjoyed it.
    I have topped before, with a condom and without a condom, and have had mixed results.. performance anxiety still occurred with the condom but rarely without.
    I wouldn't say I'm a total top, but I'm not a total bottom either. I have bottomed more in the past, because I was attracted to more of the dominant men, but, it's weird, now that I am getting older, I am into the more submissive types and the roles have changed.

    I am incredibly hot for him and he turns me on big time. He is also a really sassy bottom which I really like.. he doesn't just lie there but he likes to fuck me back. So the chemistry is really good.

    I have been masturbating a lot recently as I've been incredibly super horny. Actually, the day before the first stint of flop happened, I had jacked off at least 6 times, no kidding- and that is pretty abnormal for me.. but I think it really killed my sex drive, then the day of I had jacked off that morning, so I was pretty much drained, and come to think of it, that could be a big reason why it started initially! The next time was probably just me being paranoid and getting mentally frustrated at myself and so all that pent up expectation caused more stress and I couldn't get hard again.

    Viagra- no. I'm adverse to pharmaceuticals in general.

    I don't have health insurance right now so going to a doctor or therapist is out of the question at this point unless I can find a good sliding scale one.

    I will try jacking off with condoms on. I spoke with a worker in a sex store and he recommended that as well.
    It's just that when I look at a condom on me it is so ugly and unnatural that I lose interest. I have to get over that and start making condoms sexy.

    I have an excellent diet and I take multivitamins everyday and drink lots of water. I also read about tomatoes and berries helping with blood flow.
    I am just going to have to communicate with him more. Making putting the condom a part of foreplay sounds sexy and it could help. The abrupt ending of the foreplay, in which I am very hard, is a problem.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 20, 2012 2:53 AM GMT
    sc69 said1, Be well hydrated.

    Being dehydrated can cause all kinds of erectile issues - including going soft when you're putting on a condom.

    2. Make sure the condom fits

    A condom that is too tight may be your problem - try some of the larger ones out solo - they're not just long, some of them are girthier too..

    3, Get some practice in.

    Start masturbating with condoms on - getting hard and then putting it on. then continuing.

    Once you're able to do that, try something like a fleshlight.

    You'll get there - you're neither inadequate or a non-performer.

    4. Check your diet out - make sure you're getting enough minerals, especially trace elements as deficiencies can also cause this issue (fruit helps - especially red berries)

    5. Check with your MD if any drugs or supplements you take, including vitamins and body building supps - could be interacting - some have effects which are amplified by each other, or reduced by each other.


    This is really good advice! Especially #2, mine isn't that long but is very thick/"girthy" so tight condoms are a problem for me as well...it's annoying finding condoms that fit my member.