Coming out to Dad... UPDATE

  • swimmer8671

    Posts: 429

    Aug 23, 2012 5:03 AM GMT


    So I told him and he shrugged and said I'm going to love you no matter what and there is nothing you could do that would make me stop being proud of you... He said he wouldn't of chosen this path for me but he can't get mad at something he can't control.

    I love my family so damn much, this is one of the happiest moments of my life!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 23, 2012 5:05 AM GMT
    I have aerial pictures of Laguna Beach taken from the plane as I flew over the shoreline a couple weeks ago.

    If you come out to your dad, I'll email you a high-res version of one to print - as large as you like (16 MP, very high quality) - and hang on your wall. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 23, 2012 5:08 AM GMT
    icon_redface.gif

    I feel sad lol

    I think it depends on the kind of relationship that you both have together. If your dad is a hard ass and you rarely feel comfortable opening up to him, then this would be that time to just give it to him straight.

    But if not, then just feel it out. The opportunity should come, and then you would not be able to resist it anymore.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 23, 2012 5:59 AM GMT
    Trollileo said
    paulflexes saidI have aerial pictures of Laguna Beach taken from the plane as I flew over the shoreline a couple weeks ago.

    If you come out to your dad, I'll email you a high-res version of one to print - as large as you like (16 MP, very high quality) - and hang on your wall. icon_wink.gif
    You never made this offer to me. Dick.
    I've never flown in Washington, and my name isn't Dick...bitch. icon_razz.gif
  • TheBizMan

    Posts: 4091

    Aug 23, 2012 6:15 AM GMT
    You and me both buddy -_-''
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 23, 2012 6:21 AM GMT
    TheBizMan saidYou and me both buddy -_-''
    What? You're not out to your dad? As hot as you are, he should be proud that you're gay, because no woman would appreciate your awesome physique like a man would. icon_wink.gif
  • TheBizMan

    Posts: 4091

    Aug 23, 2012 6:26 AM GMT
    paulflexes said
    TheBizMan saidYou and me both buddy -_-''
    What? You're not out to your dad? As hot as you are, he should be proud that you're gay, because no woman would appreciate your awesome physique like a man would. icon_wink.gif


    Aww thanks paul!.. why can't you be my daddy icon_cry.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 23, 2012 7:48 AM GMT
    Back to the OP my Dad was a tradesman all round man's man, he took it much better than my mum who had lesbian friends. and I came out in the eighties a much different world.
    You just need to do it or not, only you will know the right time. He may surprise you, he will probably be worried for you and have his dream for you crushed but eventually he will either support you or he wont. Life will go on
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 23, 2012 12:39 PM GMT
    swimmer8671 saidI have been fighting to get up the courage to my father while i am home visiting before school starts... but there is the never ending dread of him reacting like the worst possible outcome ever.

    I honestly don't really know how he feels about gay people, he never talks about it.

    I'm just wondering if there is a better time or place or something that would benefit, like trapped in a car, or when we are home alone and sitting him down to talk about it, or writing a letter, or what would you guys recommend.

    This has been one of my biggest struggles and i feel i'm ready I might just need a good PUSH.

    Thanks!


    It's hard to offer advice not knowing your family dynamics and your economic situation as a college student who is presumably relying on his parents to pay tuition, etc. (please forgive me if that's assuming too much). Your father could have many reactions to your coming out to him - he could be happy for your honesty and confirm his love and support, or he could be an intolerant a-hole and throw you out of the house and stop supporting you financially.

    Only you can gauge your father's/family's love and support of you and your happiness. I knew my parents loved me unconditionally and only wanted me to be happy, so while I was nervous about their reaction when I came out to them, I didn't fear complete rejection. But I was also financially independent at the time, so there wasn't much risk if they were to turn their backs on me financially.

    I always encourage honesty and openness, and if I knew that your dad genuinely loved you, I'd tell you to go ahead and do it. There are many avenues you can choose to raise the topic with him to get a sense of his overall feelings about gay people. The topic of gay marriage is in the press so much these days (particularly in CA with Prop 8 and with the looming elections where this is a topic of much debate), and you could find some alone time to ask him how he feels about it. Depending on his reaction, you can leave it to discussion only about gay marriage. For instance, if his reaction is clearly negative on the entire topic and expresses a hostile stance on gay people in general, I would leave it at that. But if, for instance, he doesn't have a completely intolerant reaction (saying perhaps that he doesn't have any problems with gay people, but still doesn't support gay marriage), you could then ask him if his opinion would change if YOU were gay and wanted to get married some day. That could naturally evolve into an opportunity for you to come out to him.

    Sorry for the long response, but it's not a simple subject. Good luck to you in whatever you choose to do and how and when you choose to do it.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 23, 2012 1:17 PM GMT
    I came out to my dad twice. Once as bi, once as gay. And he is a hard ass and not too fond of the gays. But he was very supportive. Only you know what your relationship with him is like. If you have nothing to lose, maybe test the waters?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 23, 2012 2:07 PM GMT
    Agree with the others on here. You're family dynamic will be the biggest factor in how he takes it. I would focus your energy on what you can control... like what will you actually say?. Type "coming out" in the forum search and scan the different stories guys on here have logged. That will give you some ideas and may help you find your voice. Good luck man.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 23, 2012 2:15 PM GMT
    I came out by being caught in my bedroom, en flagrante delicto, with another boy, by my foster mom. She didn't take it well and insisted she rush me to the doctor to check for damage. Ugh. Nothing like getting finger raped by an old doctor while your foster mom watches anxiously.

    Foster dad took it a LOT better. He apologized for all that and just sat on my bed with me and held me while I told him EVERYTHING.
  • BmwKid92

    Posts: 1097

    Aug 23, 2012 2:17 PM GMT
    @Daas, i enjoyed that
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 23, 2012 2:25 PM GMT
    I'd recommend writing a letter and reading it to him in person. Sharing something that brings you that much anxiety, you're bound to leave a lot you'll want to say out. Try to think of any questions he might have and answer those in your letter. If he still isn't supportive or understanding, give him the movie "Prayers for Bobby" to watch in his free time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 23, 2012 2:38 PM GMT
    swimmer8671 saidI have been fighting to get up the courage to my father while i am home visiting before school starts... but there is the never ending dread of him reacting like the worst possible outcome ever.

    I honestly don't really know how he feels about gay people, he never talks about it.

    This has been one of my biggest struggles and i feel i'm ready I might just need a good PUSH.

    Thanks!

    We used to say in the Army not to ask for permission if you think there's a chance you'll get NO for an answer, when the answer you want is YES. So you proceed without the OK if you can, then plead dumb ignorance when you get caught.

    The question I have for you is how would a NO affect you? (That is, your father seriously disapproving) Could that interfere with your schooling? Are you financially dependent upon him? At 19 I would imagine it likely.

    Another saying paraphrased from Shakespeare is: "discretion is the better part of valor." (Falstaff actually says "the better part of valor is discretion") You may be wiser to wait until your father's approval or disapproval will not affect you, if you really don't know how he will react.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 23, 2012 2:42 PM GMT
    Art_Deco said

    The question I have for you is how would a NO affect you? (That is, your father seriously disapproving) Could that interfere with your schooling? Are you financially dependent upon him? At 19 I would imagine it likely.

    Another saying paraphrased from Shakespeare is: "discretion is the better part of valor." (Falstaff actually says "the better part of valor is discretion") You may be wiser to wait until your father's approval or disapproval will not affect you, if you really don't know how he will react.


    +1
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 23, 2012 2:59 PM GMT
    Did you spend a lot of time with your dad as a boy? If you had a normal relationship and you never heard him make any harsh comments about gays he's probably not homophobic...but still only you can make the best judgement about what kind of person he is.

    When I was growing up I ALWAYS heard my dad make homophobic comments so I was positive he wouldn't be okay with me being gay. And I agree with the other posters if you suspect he might have a bad reaction make sure you are not dependent on him when you tell him....I told my parents when I started my first full time job and got my own apartment.

    As for a way to tell them..I felt awkward telling my parents I'm gay too...so I had my sister tell them. If you have a sibling, a cousin or someone that can tell them I think it's eaiser that way...you will be away and they will tell them and it will be over with.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 23, 2012 3:13 PM GMT
    I came out over 3 years ago and it was sort of a cognitive dissonance as to how my parents reacted. Mom took it much better than expected and dad not so much---total opposite of what I thought.

    Btw, NO TIME EXISTS AS THE PERFECT TIME TO OUT YOURSELF. The timing will never be right. You just gotta kinda do it.

    I told my mom at 3:43 AM. That's when I grew a pair and figured if I woke her up and told her, she wouldn't remember the next day. LOL
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 23, 2012 3:19 PM GMT
    SweetBoy1223 saidDid you spend a lot of time with your dad as a boy? If you had a normal relationship and you never heard him make any harsh comments about gays he's probably not homophobic...but still only you can make the best judgement about what kind of person he is.

    When I was growing up I ALWAYS heard my dad make homophobic comments so I was positive he wouldn't be okay with me being gay. And I agree with the other posters if you suspect he might have a bad reaction make sure you are not dependent on him when you tell him....I told my parents when I started my first full time job and got my own apartment.

    As for a way to tell them..I felt awkward telling my parents I'm gay too...so I had my sister tell them. If you have a sibling, a cousin or someone that can tell them I think it's eaiser that way...you will be away and they will tell them and it will be over with.


    I'm going to respectfully disagree with the recommendation in the last portion of the above post. I'm not making a comment as to the poster's situation, because this is what worked for him. But in MY opinion, regardless of how he reacts, your father will have more respect for you merely by the fact that you had the courage and conviction to tell him yourself. By letting or asking someone else to tell him for you, you invite the potential conversation of doubt, as you may come off as unsure of your sexuality. You need to tell him that this is something that you've thought long and hard about, possibly even struggled with for years, and there's no doubt in your mind that this is your true sexual orientation.

    Just my final two cents....Good Luck!
  • swimmer8671

    Posts: 429

    Aug 23, 2012 3:54 PM GMT
    Thank you everyone for the great advice!

    I do have one piece of crucial information that might make a huge difference, I am not financially dependent upon my father. I have a full ride swimming scholarship along with merit and academic scholarships that pay entirely for my schooling and living expenses so I actually get zero money from my father for school or life.

    It isn't about being scared that he won't pay for me i'm scared that he won't be proud of me anymore.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 23, 2012 3:58 PM GMT
    BornJuly4th said
    SweetBoy1223 saidDid you spend a lot of time with your dad as a boy? If you had a normal relationship and you never heard him make any harsh comments about gays he's probably not homophobic...but still only you can make the best judgement about what kind of person he is.

    When I was growing up I ALWAYS heard my dad make homophobic comments so I was positive he wouldn't be okay with me being gay. And I agree with the other posters if you suspect he might have a bad reaction make sure you are not dependent on him when you tell him....I told my parents when I started my first full time job and got my own apartment.

    As for a way to tell them..I felt awkward telling my parents I'm gay too...so I had my sister tell them. If you have a sibling, a cousin or someone that can tell them I think it's eaiser that way...you will be away and they will tell them and it will be over with.


    I'm going to respectfully disagree with the recommendation in the last portion of the above post. I'm not making a comment as to the poster's situation, because this is what worked for him. But in MY opinion, regardless of how he reacts, your father will have more respect for you merely by the fact that you had the courage and conviction to tell him yourself. By letting or asking someone else to tell him for you, you invite the potential conversation of doubt, as you may come off as unsure of your sexuality. You need to tell him that this is something that you've thought long and hard about, possibly even struggled with for years, and there's no doubt in your mind that this is your true sexual orientation.

    Just my final two cents....Good Luck!


    I recommended that because he is struggling with telling him directly and he might end up not doing it in the end...so it's easier to just have somebody else let him know. And he can tell him later he is sure about it...it's just that first "I'm gay" sentence that's awkward to blurt out if your dad might be homophobic.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 23, 2012 4:03 PM GMT
    swimmer8671 saidThank you everyone for the great advice!

    I do have one piece of crucial information that might make a huge difference, I am not financially dependent upon my father. I have a full ride swimming scholarship along with merit and academic scholarships that pay entirely for my schooling and living expenses so I actually get zero money from my father for school or life.

    It isn't about being scared that he won't pay for me i'm scared that he won't be proud of me anymore.



    You have to remember to love and respect yourself and if a parent is not proud of you because you were born gay...you should be ashamed of HIM for not being able to understand a simple occurence in nature called homosexuality.

    Remember to always stand up for yourself....idk I mean I always make my feelings clear...I do consider homophobic people inferior to me...they are usually poor, religious, stupid, uneducated. They have trouble with spelling too. They seem useless to society...funny how the shittiest countries are the most homopohobic ones. It's not arrogance I am just stating facts I am not happy about the fact homophobic people are like subhumans.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 23, 2012 4:05 PM GMT
    swimmer8671 said
    It isn't about being scared that he won't pay for me i'm scared that he won't be proud of me anymore.


    THIS! The fact we all have that fear. We want our parents to be proud of us. The truth is any good parent will love their child regardless. My parents, as mad as they were, they still love me more than anything. They make it known daily.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 23, 2012 4:08 PM GMT
    He will still be proud of you. If you are on a full ride scholarship, obviously he did a good job raising you and you have turned out well. Your being gay is only a part of who you are.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 23, 2012 4:20 PM GMT
    SweetBoy1223 said
    swimmer8671 saidThank you everyone for the great advice!

    I do have one piece of crucial information that might make a huge difference, I am not financially dependent upon my father. I have a full ride swimming scholarship along with merit and academic scholarships that pay entirely for my schooling and living expenses so I actually get zero money from my father for school or life.

    It isn't about being scared that he won't pay for me i'm scared that he won't be proud of me anymore.


    You have to remember to love and respect yourself and if a parent is not proud of you because you were born gay...you should be ashamed of HIM for not being able to understand a simple occurence in nature called homosexuality.


    I think this is all the more reason why HE should be the one to tell him.