I'm out, he's not and we've been dating for 8 months. How can we navigate that difference and can we avoid bad feelings like this week when we ignored each other at a public restaurant?

  • GoodguynOK

    Posts: 1

    Aug 26, 2012 2:30 PM GMT
    So this past week involved one of the more surreal experiences of my adult life when the guy that I've been dating for about 8 months, sat just 20 feet from me at a breakfast work meeting occurring at the same time as a breakfast meeting that I had pre-arranged at the same restaurant and.....we ignored each other's presence or existence.  Not a 'Hello,' not a wave, not even a nod.  30 minutes before then I received a text that he was headed there too, because he recalled I would be there. I read that as please beware, as he has previously excluded me from public things that might identify him as gay.

    Then three hours later when I attempted to share how surreal and uncomfortable that experience felt to me, I received that he "never really thought anything about it.". That's the part that doesn't feel good at all.  Is that intentional callousness?  Is that a shield so he doesn't have to process how his "closet" affects others he has asked so much from, namely me? Am I too sensitive about these things?

    We seem to genuinely like each other and have a lot of interests in common.  We've even shared the L word recently, yet I'm wondering: 
    Do we ask more of each other than is possible, to both feel good about our relationship?

    We are at different points of our life 'Journeys,' for sure (he's 33, i'm 43; he's not Out to family or work and I am), but two people always will be. I guess I'm one who believes that a healthy relationship is where two lives are trending together more deeply with each day and each experience.  Common goals, and open and honest  communication.  But, What depth of connection (or what tools of patience and understanding) are realistically possible to transcend this large divide, before we drive each other away?

    I know I want a relationship and a partner that I am proud of and would never intentionally forsake, where we each make effort to meet the needs of the other. Is that possible here?
    Thanks for sharing your life advice.
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    Aug 26, 2012 2:43 PM GMT
    I would NEVER date somebody who treats me that way so I don't know what to tell you. I've met up with a guy who made me sneak out of his aparmtment so somebody doesn't suspect he's gay....he kept texting me after to meet up but I ignored him.

    I don't like pussies if i wanted one I would get a girl. Wait that's not fair...most of my female friends are thougher and have way more character than those guys who are too ashamed to admit they are gay.
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    Aug 26, 2012 2:51 PM GMT
    What are his reasons for not coming out? If you believe that his reasons are legitiment then try finding solutions that will help him in the long run. He may eventually come out. I recently came out to my mum side of the family. The only reason I haven't disclosed it to my dad and rest of his sside because there some severe repercussions and it'll tear my immediate family apart. My mum advised me to keep my personal life in such a manner that no harm should come to me. Basically continue how I live but don't be ignorant of how the world can still be cruel even at this day an age.
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    Aug 26, 2012 2:52 PM GMT
    The longer he waits to come out, the harder it will be. If you've been dating for 8 months and both of you feel love for each other, he should come out.
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    Aug 26, 2012 3:09 PM GMT
    You are being too sensitive - were you born out? for most, it is a process that happens over time. a very scary process, i might add. instead of trying to drag him out, support him in the process and let him come out when he chooses to.
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    Aug 26, 2012 3:18 PM GMT
    You saidhe "never really thought anything about it."


    You can bet that's not true. You can bet he is afraid to his core, and the experience in the restaurant was deeply frightening to him. You can bet in his heart and mind there is a battle going on, between his love for you and his fears of coming out.

    In you, he chose an out and proud man. It stands to reason that your life is what he wants for himself, too. If you want to keep him and yet have him move in the direction you both want, you probably want to make it easier for him to come out than to stay in the closet.

    Just remember that fear is the primary reason why people stay in the closet. Fear is a very strong, primal emotion and can easily trump all rationality or affection if painted into a corner. Whatever you do, do it with patience and kindness or he'll do things that both of your will regret.
  • aznduderocks

    Posts: 67

    Aug 26, 2012 3:26 PM GMT
    I used to think that coming out is such a huge deal and one should not be pushed to come out. He is entitled to come out at his own pace. That's being said, if you are dating someone, ultimately it's about what kind of guy you wanna be with. Apparently, him not being out bothers you.

    For me, I would not date someone that's not out like that. He's way too scared to even say hi or hello. But again, I would not push or try to make that person come out, instead, I let' him go and move on to the next guy icon_lol.gif my 2 cents.
  • bischero

    Posts: 847

    Aug 26, 2012 3:34 PM GMT
    themachine said
    You saidhe "never really thought anything about it."


    You can bet that's not true. You can bet he is afraid to his core, and the experience in the restaurant was deeply frightening to him. You can bet in his heart and mind there is a battle going on, between his love for you and his fears of coming out.

    In you, he chose an out and proud man. It stands to reason that your life is what he wants for himself, too. If you want to keep him and yet have him move in the direction you both want, you probably want to make it easier for him to come out than to stay in the closet.

    Just remember that fear is the primary reason why people stay in the closet. Fear is a very strong, primal emotion and can easily trump all rationality or affection if painted into a corner. Whatever you do, do it with patience and kindness or he'll do things that both of your will regret.


    +1


    He's probably really afraid. Communication is very important here, so I say you approach him about it and tell him how you feel. If you guys have made it to the point in your relationship where you say, "I love you," then I think that this conversation needs to be had.

    Good luck!!!
  • leojock1985

    Posts: 76

    Aug 26, 2012 3:38 PM GMT
    1 piece of advice...

    value your own self worth.. if you think the best you deserve is a closeted 30+ year old who from the sound of it is a cold hearted, pretentious, and hollow on the inside boy (yes a boy.. that's how boys act not men); then stick with him and enjoy dating a man who forever will be everything you don't want.

    The worst thing most gay men do is "settle" and "conform" just to have a "status" or a sense of "I have someone"..

    its sad when so many men de-value themselves and can't man up and say dude you're a piece of shit peace out.. I see it time and time again and you are doing the same and odds are you make excuses for why he's such a great guy and how much you care for him.. BLAH BLAH BLAH.. man up and accept reality that you're dating a low life..

    To each his own and most will probably say i'm too harsh but here's the difference I said everything you all thought but don't want to hurt his guys feelings.

    Reality is a b*tch most can't handle it and sugar coat the truth.. not me.. good luck dude hope you realize you are wasting your time
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Aug 26, 2012 3:54 PM GMT
    dude, i have a friend who is in a similar situation. however, the issuse is going places and being able to hangout in public around friends where no one suspects anything. i think you need reevaluate your current relationship. does he treat you with respect? does he loves you? is he cheating on you? i think you should write down all the pros and cons of your current relationship. if there are more cons than pros than you may need to end the relationship. however, if you have more pros than cons or the only con is that he is not out than i think you need to just relax and stop being overly sensitive
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    Aug 26, 2012 4:07 PM GMT
    @ thread starter:why is it your profile says single when you claim that you are dating a guy? perhaps the guy who you claim to be dating has more to worry about you, than you have to worry about himicon_exclaim.gif
  • gsh1964

    Posts: 388

    Aug 26, 2012 4:14 PM GMT
    I don't date nor do I give men in the closet the time of day. I don't care how hot or cute they are.
    It speaks volumes on his character and shows that he can not stand up and admit the truth about himself and to others. It takes balls to do that and obviously this guy does not have any.

    Also, I have noticed that men in the age range of 38-45 are going through a huge midlife crisis and should be avoided as relationship material. Especially if the are still in the closet.

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    Aug 26, 2012 4:34 PM GMT
    OP..Take this perspective ..
    .. You can actually make it easier for your boyfriend to come out by setting solid examples as a gay man and or choosing enviornments that put him at ease..
    ..It might sound like alot of work but this can benefit you as well

    .. Take him out to gatherings with a mixture of gay ,straight and bi people that interact positively.
    ..If you have accomplished , honest, cool down to earth gay friends..you two should be around them more..
    ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^
    See where i'm going?
    You can't force someone to come out..he has to do that in his own time..
    But you can sure speed up the process.

    If he admires the way you live your life, the way you are received socially and professionally, it will make "HIS" coming out process easier and faster!..HUGZ!!

    (What would your BF think if he saw your RJ profile..SINGLE..with private pics.????.Fix that shit..come on!!)
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    Aug 26, 2012 4:54 PM GMT
    he's 33 but he sounds like a teenager the way he is acting towards you...
    I dunno... personally I would run the hell away from this guy if I was you. Dating a guy in the closet is almost always laden with hurt feelings, confusion, etc... it's virtually impossible to date someone who is in the closet.
    I'm assuming you have strong feelings for this guy though which would make dumping him a difficult task... so at this point I think you'd better talk to him about what's bothering you instead of asking some strangers on the internet.
    Good luck icon_smile.gif
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    Aug 26, 2012 4:54 PM GMT
    Well I can handle the fact the he isn't out but at the same time totally ignoring is something that would bother me. What is wrong with acknowledging that he knows you and say a hello or just nod. Wouldn't he have done the same thing if he saw someone he just knew say from work or someplace else.
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    Aug 26, 2012 4:56 PM GMT
    Considering it was a work related function I wouldn't put it hard on him for not being "out" to that crowd.
  • O5vx

    Posts: 3154

    Aug 26, 2012 5:35 PM GMT
    There is no arm in saying hi or hello...straight guys do it all the time.
    There is nothing wrong with him inviting you to come and seat there table either. Non of this shows that he is gay.
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    Aug 26, 2012 5:39 PM GMT
    I wonder what he would think of you if he saw your profile here.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 26, 2012 5:57 PM GMT
    When it comes to employment, it's perfectly acceptable to keep your private life at bay until the right time. There are other situations (both work related and non-work related) where a couple of any orientation might wait until both are ready to announce their relationship to the world. Those include: dating a colleague, supervisor, client, customer, an executive, an advisor, a community official, a professor, someone of a different religion, someone of a different race, someone who's a close friend or friend of the family... and on....
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    Aug 26, 2012 6:09 PM GMT
    How can you

    GoodguynOK said shared the L word recently


    when he treats you like this?

    GoodguynOK saidas he has previously excluded me from public things that might identify him as gay.


    if it was 'love' then he shouldn't shun you away in public. Even if he 'liked' you, still shouldn't be treated like that. I had a friend who dated one of these closet hangers and the guy made my friend walk 10 feet in front of him in public so nobody would suspect them as a couple...thats paranoia and you should have more self worth than that. secret lovers...
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    Aug 26, 2012 6:16 PM GMT
    I feel like at 33, he should be old enough and mature enough to come out.
    Could he still be dependent on his parents and is afraid of being cut off?

    That type of shit where u ignore eachother in public is not gonna fly for long. I could understand if you were both 18/19/20 years old, etc.... it's all new to you, but damn u guys are well into adulthood.

    I would honestly talk to him and ask him how much longer he expects u two to hide eachother's relationship? How much longer is he going to fake being str8?

    There has to be a point where it stops. Good luck, dude. I hope it all works out for you,



    ** maybe u should just out him then break up with him.. . . who'll never forget u because of that....and will prob hit u up years later thanking you.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 26, 2012 6:51 PM GMT
    Anocxu saidOP..Take this perspective ..
    .. You can actually make it easier for your boyfriend to come out by setting solid examples as a gay man and or choosing enviornments that put him at ease..
    ..It might sound like alot of work but this can benefit you as well

    .. Take him out to gatherings with a mixture of gay ,straight and bi people that interact positively.
    ..If you have accomplished , honest, cool down to earth gay friends..you two should be around them more..
    ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^
    See where i'm going?
    You can't force someone to come out..he has to do that in his own time..
    But you can sure speed up the process.

    If he admires the way you live your life, the way you are received socially and professionally, it will make "HIS" coming out process easier and faster!..HUGZ!!

    (What would your BF think if he saw your RJ profile..SINGLE..with private pics.????.Fix that shit..come on!!)


    +1

    being not completely out, my first experience in this type of environment definitely helped the process of getting more comfortable with my feelings. When one of my coworkers was in college, who's gay, had parties, he'd invite me, and he lived with like 6 other students who were a mix of gay/bi/straight and all of the other college kids who came were of the same mix, and nobody really made it a mission to figure out who likes who, everyone was just there to have a good time. It really put me at ease.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 26, 2012 6:55 PM GMT
    .....the guy who was in the group who threw the party was out and people knew, so knowledge of gay people possibly attending was there, but nobody really cared.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 26, 2012 6:56 PM GMT
    ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^
    Guys..come on!
    Most people posting here came out on their own terms..on their own time..
    Everyone's circumstances are different..!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 26, 2012 7:29 PM GMT
    Blondizgd saidYou are being too sensitive - were you born out? for most, it is a process that happens over time. a very scary process, i might add. instead of trying to drag him out, support him in the process and let him come out when he chooses to.


    I disagree wholeheartedly, and think this response is callous and lacking insight.

    You are correct--no one is "born out," obviously. However, the OP has taken the necessary (and courageous) steps to come out of the closet to those closest to him. It is only fair that he wants to maintain a certain level of honesty and openness about who he's dating. He's earned that by virtue of coming out. At the very least, he should be able to acknowledge him in a public restaurant, even if he's not telling anyone they are dating. I mean, really.

    You are right--coming out is a very scary process that takes time. However, you fail to recognize how "[letting] him come out when he chooses" will negatively impact the OP. The OP already maintains a certain level of openness and honesty about his life, and waiting for someone to come out of the closet will only hinder his current level of openness and honesty. Stepping back into the closet is a difficult pill to swallow for individuals who have been openly gay for some time.

    Having to avoid a boyfriend in public because he is closeted is not only inconsiderate--it's incredibly invalidating. Can you imagine telling someone you love them behind closed doors and then being ignored in public as if you are a stranger? How do you think that affects the partner that is open?

    I'd like to believe that when someone says they love you that it's unconditional love... or the type of love where you want to tell all of your friends and family that you're seeing someone great. I don't understand how someone can pretend to not know the person they profess to love. That blows my mind.