Awkward reactions to interracial couples

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  Aug 18, 2008 5:21 PM GMT

  I debated whether or not to start this thread, but what the hell. This past weekend, a good friend of mine went out to a large gay club in San Antonio, TX. I'm black and he's white. He's pretty attractive, fit, and is three years older than me.
  
  First of all, what struck me about this place was the lack of attractive people. I mean, never have I partied at a club filled with hundreds of gays where I could literally count on one hand the number of fit or relatively attractive guys. But really, that's besides the point.
  
  What I found disturbing was the strange, awkward, and even dirty looks we both got when we held hands, kissed, or danced together. I'm not dating this guy but we both were drinking, and it just sort of happened. I'm very aware of my surroundings, and am very good at deceifering a vibe or people's true intentions. The vibe was decidedly negative at this place.
  
  I'm not suggesting this was a result of racism, but it sure felt like it - the guy I was with even commented how uncomfortable it was.
  
  Has anyone else experienced this?

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  Aug 18, 2008 5:40 PM GMT

  No, mind you I live in a very racially diverse city (Toronto). Multi-racial couples of all types (Asian-White, Black-White, etc.) are very common and nobody reacts to them anymore. I have never been given dirty looks when with my partner who is of Filipino background. I think we do get the looks of "older white man looking after young Asian man" which is not the case at all!
  
  It could be that the reaction you received is more peculiar to the city you were in because black-white couples may not be that common.

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  Aug 18, 2008 6:18 PM GMT

  I've witnessed it happening. It's kind of hard to separate the negative stares from the jealous stares.

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  Aug 18, 2008 6:45 PM GMT

  This aggravates me to no end that people can't live and let live. Keep in mind that a gay bar is the only place where a lot of people feel empowered. A lot of it just reeks of negativity because people are insecure and rather than making steps to change what's wrong with themselves so they're happier; they try to target what they perceive as weakness in others. Yes, I'm over observant, and analytical.
  
  My number 1 rule when going out to a bar or club. Don't take things seriously or personally.
  
  One of these days people will evolve.

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  Aug 18, 2008 8:24 PM GMT

  I have never recieved stares...or I havent seen anyone giving me any dirty looks because of it. I wouldnt care either way. There just made that my boyfriend doesnt want them or I dont want them.
  
  

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  Aug 18, 2008 9:58 PM GMT

  I think I know what bar you're talking about. The Bonham Exchange, right? The population is predominantly Latino. Is it possible the glares were, I don't know, envy? You're attractive, so maybe the guys were resentful of your date, or vice versa; you said he was fit and attractive.
  
  In most gay bars the guys are there for many reasons, not the least of which to be seen and hook up. You're competition. I'd look at it that way.

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• MSUBioNerd
  
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  Aug 18, 2008 10:11 PM GMT

  I've not experienced it directly, but I've seen it happen. We had relatives visiting in my lily white suburb when I was a kid, including an interracial couple: white woman and black man. While they were walking hand in hand around the block, the neighborhood busybody called the police because she was "concerned" that something untoward was happening to the woman. We had police show up at our door to check that everything was OK because they had received an anonymous tip of trouble...although knowing the neighborhood, we were all sure exactly who had called the cops. The cops were embarrassed because it was so obvious to them that nothing was wrong, we were embarrassed by and angry at the busybody, the couple was embarrassed that their being there in some way led to a police visit...it was just a mess. I don't fault the officers at all - they were just doing their job - but it is revolting the reactions some people have.

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  Aug 18, 2008 10:19 PM GMT

  And your confident everyone in this club wasn't just staring at the only two hot guys in the place

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  Aug 18, 2008 10:24 PM GMT

  I've two responses to this thread...
  
  The first, you two by your own admission are attractive men in a place filled with "homespun" types...that they would be envious of you and give you looks shouldn't be shocking (after all, gay men can be bitchy). Don't think about it any further than that.
  
  The second, well, you are in TEXAS which is in the South...are you really that surprised?!?

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  Aug 18, 2008 10:25 PM GMT

  I was recently in Thailand with my white friend (sort of ex date whatever you call it). Now as you may or may not know, many guys (predominantly older white men) go to Thailand to have "fun" and pay for the company of younger Thai men, either directly or just via being generous with going out etc.
  
  (I'm not judging on age / sexual tourism, to each their own - and as an aside my friend was younger but bigger and looked slightly older than me).
  
  I felt really awkward walking around as I'm Chinese I looked sort of like a local Thai boy (we all really do look quite young for our age). Tourists looked at me like I was a rent boy, and local rent boys looked at me with viscious eyes like I was in the way / competition.
  
  I tried explain this to my friend, but I don't think he understood how awful I felt.
  

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  Aug 18, 2008 10:26 PM GMT

  The thing that is weird about your situation is that one might expect the taboo on same-sex relationships to trump the taboo on interracial relationships. If two guys can hold hands, what is so scandalous about them being different races? I wonder if the fact that you were strangers in the place wasn't an important factor.
  
  I think it is a little odd that one of the advertisements plugged into the margins of this forum when I opened it up was for Afroromance.com--"Where love is more than skin deep ..."

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• pelotudo
  
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  Aug 19, 2008 12:25 AM GMT

  Well I agree it could be that they were jealous of you guys--you did say that there were few good looking guys in the place.
  
  
  Also, I hate to say this, but it might be true. Someone said that bar is primarily Latino? In San Antonio I assume they're almost all of Mexican descent? A lot of Mexicans don't like African-Americans (or White Americans for that matter)--gang warfare in Los Angeles, for example. That'd be something to consider...

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  Aug 19, 2008 2:22 AM GMT

  I've never experienced rude, hostile behavior from persons outside of my race whenever I happened to be in an interracial situation.
  Unfortunately, when I have encountered it, it's been BLACK people who've been up my ass -- and NOT in the good way.
  I used to hear: "I bet you only date white boys."
  Or:
  "I heard you only dated white guys."
  My response, more often than not, was: "Ya' heard wrong."
  Granted, we're talking about a subculture of African-Americans that may not be as socially mainstream as other blacks.

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• Paradigm_Shif...
  
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  Aug 19, 2008 2:39 AM GMT

  I agree with Elvis. My boyfriend and I used to get the most EVIL looks from black girls.... lol.

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  Aug 19, 2008 3:03 AM GMT

  My previous partner was black, and we encountered a few instances. Most prominent being once at the local gay pride and another time in a Thai restaurant that wouldn't serve us.

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  Aug 19, 2008 3:04 AM GMT

  My Dad is Black and I LOVE seeing people's faces when I call him Dad in public. Seriously, FUCK all the dumb ass' out there.
  However, if they were looking at you 'cause based off what you have said, you two were the best looking ones there then there you have it!

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  Aug 19, 2008 2:53 PM GMT

  I've experienced it. But it goes with the "territory," so to speak, so I tend to ignore it. Some straights seem more bothered by the gay couple "thing," whereas some black gay men seem more bothered by the interracial couple "thing." Let me make something clear about my experiences: many gay guys react negatively to interracial dating. Some black gay guys are vocal about it when they see it. Others keep their thoughts to themselves, expressing their distaste for interracial dating more covertly (e.g refusing to date/fuck interracially, fucking interracially while refusing to date interracially, being PC in real life while expressing disdain for certain ethnic groups online, etc.).

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  Aug 19, 2008 3:11 PM GMT

  I am certainly sorry to hear of people experiencing prejudice or negativity regarding interracial relationships as if we didn't already have enough strikes against us for being Gay.
  
  I guess different areas can have different prejudices. I know historically there was a lot of anti-Mexican sentiment in Texas (my aunt has told me those stories) and in high school I got negativity (in Georgia) for wanting to take a black girl to the prom. It just shows that prejudice and bias are in all people and varies regionally. Ironically I have never asked my Mom and Dad (Brown and White) if they ever experienced that.
  
  I think tolerance can be cultivated though if you don't return "bad for bad" and give people a chance to change their minds.

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  Aug 20, 2008 2:12 AM GMT

  I didn't want to say "Texas is the south," as one poster did, but I have to admit as a 'northerner' that that was one of my initial thoughts.

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• MuslDrew
  
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  Aug 20, 2008 2:17 AM GMT

  If people around here have issues with interracial couples they aren't obvious about it. 20+ years ago it was noticed, but not these days. Not that there isn't racism around here, but they're very PC about it.

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• SFTraveler
  
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  Aug 21, 2008 2:04 AM GMT

  My partner is black and I'm Latino. We haven't experienced any awkward reactions in a very long time.
  Of course, we live in San Francisco which has a very diverse population and is accustomed to interracial couples.
  I think the last time we experienced it was about 10 years ago when we joined his family in South Carolina and went out to dinner. The waitress looked momentarily surprised to see a Latino with an African-American family, but she got over it quickly.
  (Good thing, too, because if she had actually treated us differently, my partner would have taken her head off!)

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  Aug 21, 2008 2:14 AM GMT

  FitExecutive saidIt's kind of hard to separate the negative stares from the jealous stares.

  
  
  Very true..maybe u both were the few attractive ones there..or was your flyer down? There could be a whole lot of other reasons for their staring at you.

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  Sep 06, 2008 6:40 AM GMT

  my ex was white being in Toronto I've had a lot of positive reactions rather, a lot of them also came from straight people who thought the interracial guy-guy mix was hot/cute/adorable or something.

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• D972
  
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  Sep 09, 2008 9:04 PM GMT

  Been to a club with my ex who is a mulatto (most people figure hes white because of his blue eyes) and he felt out of place at some of the black clubs we went to due to the looks. Latino clubs no problems, and the white clubs were very open to it.
  
  The black guys have a tendency to stick to their race. White guys seem more open to it here in New York City at least.
  
  Black guys even have a tendency to use different hookup sites (men4now.com) vs manhunt.com or adam4adam.
  
  I'm not into this whole segregation thing, but I have to admit, there are some black guys that are obviously not into other black guys. Just like there are some white guys that won't give me the time of day (like most of the guys who go to ProvinceTown for the 4th of July weekend).
  
  I'm an equal opportunity taster as long as the meat is fresh.
  

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  Sep 13, 2008 12:01 AM GMT

  D972 saidBeen to a club with my ex who is a mulatto (most people figure hes white because of his blue eyes) and he felt out of place at some of the black clubs we went to due to the looks. Latino clubs no problems, and the white clubs were very open to it.
  
  The black guys have a tendency to stick to their race. White guys seem more open to it here in New York City at least.
  
  Black guys even have a tendency to use different hookup sites (men4now.com) vs manhunt.com or adam4adam.
  
  I'm not into this whole segregation thing, but I have to admit, there are some black guys that are obviously not into other black guys. Just like there are some white guys that won't give me the time of day (like most of the guys who go to ProvinceTown for the 4th of July weekend).
  
  I'm an equal opportunity taster as long as the meat is fresh.
  

  
  
  Many black men have segregated themselves in order to remove themselves from negative environments where the focus is on white males. Nothing wrong about that at all. What kind of black man searches in a site or goes to bars/clubs where most of the guys want an all-american white man?

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