Total honesty upfront in dating and with people with interest in you

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 30, 2012 8:48 PM GMT
    Now, how many of you would appreciate it if the guy you had a crush on said to you while on your first date or even before you asked him out:

    "I think you're friggin hot. Gorgeous and interesting.. But i am not long term dating material. I'm in the middle of accomplishing a lot right now, and i do not want to drag you in any direction. I'm very selfish at the moment and I'm not the nicest guy. I can casual date in something open as long as there is understanding this is more than likely not going to be something. I am not the one for you and yu are not the one for me. But I enjoy your company."

    What would you say if someone laid their cards out in front of you without having to go a few weeks to a few months before you find out that he is not long term material on your own..and that he most likely knew it. Wouldn't you have cut your losses, or proceded with caution.. juggled someone else with more potential and just kept him around?


    I've met a few guys in the past.. and one recently who were refreshingly honest.. One guy said.. "i'm not the nicest guy." and i believed him.. One guy said in a message here "I'm not boyfriend material.. you sound like an awesome guy.. but i can offer you some hot sex." .. i appreciated it. I could then in my mind just be like "Ok. This guy will be put in the Rolodex hot skanky sex when i need it.. i like him.. i'll keep him in mind.

    Would you give a guy points if he said upfront "I'm a recovering drug addict. I've got trust issues and do not like sleeping with someone in the same bed. I can be mean spirited. I'm also easily annoyed and can be a control freak."

    In a perfect world more people would think the best thing to do is to just lay your cards on the table instead of playing the game where you know you have issues and you know that someone more than likely will not be a long term dating possibility. wouldn't it be best to just politely tell them in conversation.. "You know what .. i enjoy you.. here's the deal?"

    There's this one kid who has a huge crush on me for ages.. he lives in Canada. Awesome convo.. he chats me up alot and sometimes i ignore him because about 5 months ago i told him "You are a dear.. i enjoy you alot but we'd never be boyfriends. You live in Canada and the probability of me moving to Canada to be with you is slim. And you and I personality wise just don't meld. I would hurt you in the long run.. you and I have different backgrounds.. but as friends we're excellent. You wouldn't want me. I'm not suited for you and you are not suited for me."

    He was pretty pissed and stopped talking to me.. i guess i can understand that. He went back to talking to me. HE initiated it..and he still is flirtatious.

    He has though a history of being attracted to unrequited situations.. i think it turns him on if you say no.


    There is a quote from Maya Angelou that goes something along the lines of "When someone tells you about themselves listen." It's friggin true. ALWAYS listen. If someone says "i'm mean." most people would think "Oh shuddup.. you aren't mean." but 9 times out 10 that person wasn't joking.. they are mean. They wouldn't have said that in the first place if they didn't believe for themselves that they are mean. Most people actually don't exagerate about themselves.. they downplay.. so if someone says anything about themselves... listen.

    I told the Canadian boy this quote 8 months ago in conversation we were having about how some dude broke his heart. But this dude told him up front "I'm not relationship material" and they went there.. and the dude cheated on him.

    we as humans want to see the best in people.. but really you don't have to dig much.. most people will tell you about themselves freely.

    anyhow.. discuss. Lots of ideas in this post. and places to go.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 30, 2012 9:01 PM GMT
    JackKash saidWhat would you say if someone laid their cards out in front of you without having to go a few weeks to a few months before you find out that he is not long term material on your own..and that he most likely knew it. Wouldn't you have cut your losses, or proceded with caution.. juggled someone else with more potential and just kept him around?

    If one has developed some feelings and was looking forward to something then it could sting. If he was worth the fuck and it was convenient then I might keep him. But as soon as someone who can offer what I'm looking for came along he would have to go.

    JackKash saidwe as humans want to see the best in people.. but really you don't have to dig much.. most people will tell you about themselves freely..

    When someone is telling you something it is foolish to ignore it. However most of the time we see and listen to what we want to see and hear and not what we are shown or told. Human nature.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 30, 2012 9:40 PM GMT
    I would like it very much if a guy was upfront and honest with me. In fact, I'm talking to a dude right now and I WISH he was as honest as the guys you mentioned.

    Take it for what it is. Who knows, they might change their mind and decide that they do want to be in a relationship. It's nice to keep them in your life for awhile, even if it is just for sex.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 30, 2012 10:18 PM GMT
    essentially a FWB situation.

    not bad but not much use to me
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 30, 2012 11:03 PM GMT
    lucky_sevn saidessentially a FWB situation.

    not bad but not much use to me


    It's nice when at lest you know that and can make a decision upfront.. "This is a friends with benefits thing.. i can not do this.. lets just be friends or lets just not do anything at all...." It saves so much time... so i wish that this would become a trend.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 30, 2012 11:14 PM GMT
    JackKash said
    lucky_sevn saidessentially a FWB situation.

    not bad but not much use to me


    It's nice when at lest you know that and can make a decision upfront.. "This is a friends with benefits thing.. i can not do this.. lets just be friends or lets just not do anything at all...." It saves so much time... so i wish that this would become a trend.


    urgh me too. fwb seems o be the worst of both in a lot of cases i see. friends that are only interested when they are horny. not real friend at all and sex usuall when drunk/bored/ inbetween other people. not too sure about the benefit of that.

    however i do admire your honesty. youre obviously very attractive and so can be alot more deliberate wit the deligation of your attention. thats a real plus for you, and you being honest about it really puts you in a different category. less "i can have anyone so why pick you?" more "i dont need to choose yet so my career comes first".
    my career came first too, but more through ocd like obsession with hitting self imposed targets and conditions lol. but the man came accidently. very wierd as i was really anti-ltr before. but thatslife i suppose.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 30, 2012 11:23 PM GMT
    lucky_sevn said
    JackKash said
    lucky_sevn saidessentially a FWB situation.

    not bad but not much use to me


    It's nice when at lest you know that and can make a decision upfront.. "This is a friends with benefits thing.. i can not do this.. lets just be friends or lets just not do anything at all...." It saves so much time... so i wish that this would become a trend.


    urgh me too. fwb seems o be the worst of both in a lot of cases i see. friends that are only interested when they are horny. not real friend at all and sex usuall when drunk/bored/ inbetween other people. not too sure about the benefit of that.

    however i do admire your honesty. youre obviously very attractive and so can be alot more deliberate wit the deligation of your attention. thats a real plus for you, and you being honest about it really puts you in a different category. less "i can have anyone so why pick you?" more "i dont need to choose yet so my career comes first".
    my career came first too, but more through ocd like obsession with hitting self imposed targets and conditions lol. but the man came accidently. very wierd as i was really anti-ltr before. but thatslife i suppose.


    And THATS how it feel dating should be.. more organic... sometimes i feel dating is forced. Also.. alot of relationships begin with misconceptions and lies about the other person. You are in the honeymoon period and so happy to be with this guy and he's happy to be with you and both of you don't want to rock the boat and state things like "I never want kids".."I will never leave my city" "I like to be in control of everything and can be passive aggressive" "I use to have a drug problem" "I NEED to bottom , i only top because you want me to".. things like that that can come up and be deal breakers or they can be issues that one can overcome if you really feel like you have the strength to invest in that... but instead people will put up fronts.. or see past tell tale signs. and then 2 months later you have a potential messy break up on your hands.

    Personally i think i'm mentally trying out new avenues to be able to assure myself a healthier relationship down the road and better interactions with the men who i will meet down the line who will have attraction in me and vice verse.. and i don't feel like i am wasting their time or i end up wasting theirs. I've wasted some guys time before, by just not being honest and saying "This will not go anywhere.. i like you alot but no."

    I've met some guys who might have dropped me at the get go and it stung but later i caught on that they were right to drop it. And now i would not flinch if i met a guy and he said "No.. our lives are different.. won't work." They must know whats go for them.. and what is good for them is in the long term better for me.. rather than getting dumped or having to dump someone AFTER you have gotten attached.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 31, 2012 12:05 AM GMT
    Fascinating thread…What peaks my interest are the different psychological profiles you covered in making your point / points.

    ..By the way the guy that basically tells you up front…you can never have him..i have a few theories about people who do that!
    ... If he seemed extremely comfortable in delivering news of this caliber …he is a conniving narcissist …
    He already knew what the outcome would be! He knows your fascination with the truth would outshine the actual message and land Him on Your list of things to do! This is routine for him and it works every time! (There are a few that do this out of sincerity)

    A guy who is somewhat ashamed or humiliated to reveal his inconsistencies is probably working to correct them...This is a guy that stays somewhat under the radar till he feels adequate to resume dating .

    ..The next time a guy lays out all his relationship wrecking inconsistencies in front of you! But still wants’ to get with you...Be careful! If your reaction is...OMG...he was straight up..!! I want him even more!!!
    There is a 70% chance you were played!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 31, 2012 1:38 AM GMT
    I would absolutely would appreciate this. it would also help me out in the situation that i am in now if i had heard this or had said this almost 2 years ago :/ haha

    I approach people with the same intent. I try to be honest but im too nice and then i ended up brushing a ton of guys off because they did not understand my intentions.
  • TennisJock10

    Posts: 208

    Aug 31, 2012 1:39 AM GMT
    I would so appreciate it so much more than being so vague and misleading! Just be upfront and tell me how it is. I would rather someone tell me that they hate my guts to my face rather than be fake and talk about me behind my back. I'm just the type of person that likes to know where they stand with someone. Just me or no?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 31, 2012 1:43 AM GMT
    Being upfront is the way to go no matter the situation. I would be appreciative personally.

    It's the guys who can't verbalize their truth that tick me off ...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 31, 2012 1:48 AM GMT
    It's infurating to have anything drug out longer than it should be, no need to be cold, but no reason to lead anyone on either.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 31, 2012 1:48 AM GMT
    I dunno why but I always have problem understanding OP's writing.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 31, 2012 2:00 AM GMT
    I know that this is going to sound very queenie, but here it goes: I used to work as a manager in fashion retail. And to keep our salespersons current on the latest trends, we had numerous magazines on fashion and lifestyle in the break room. Now, this is back in 1998, but I was eating lunch, and scanning through a Marie Claire magazine, and there was an article about women choosing guys that are all wrong for them. The main gist of the article was: people will reveal their true selves to you if you're open to listening and digesting what they say. If a guy says, "I'm NOT a romantic guy." Take it as such, and quit looking at it as, "No, I'm sure he's romantic...he's just saying that, to turn me away, etc."
    If someone says they are NOT a one man's man... THEY ARE NOT.
    If someone says they are not usually good at being monogamous...THEY AREN'T.
    If someone says they don't want to get married or are not the marrying type... LISTEN TO THEM!
    We are so used to trying to convert the other into what we want them to be, instead of listening to who they say they are...
    That article, read fourteen plus years ago, has never led me astray... listen everybody... LISTEN!
  • TroyAthlete

    Posts: 4269

    Aug 31, 2012 2:54 AM GMT
    tl;dr
  • EddieT

    Posts: 93

    Aug 31, 2012 3:00 AM GMT
    [quote][cite]
    I'm told by close friends and family that I divulge too much and make myself vulnerable or too easily judged. Although I find this to be true at least I can hold my head up high and people know that I am not a bullshitter.
    [/quote]

    I know exactly what you mean, I try to be as honest as possible because I go into relationships expecting them to NOT be temporary, and clear communication I find to be the basis for it.

    Unfortunately due to bullshitters, I feel like most people think I'm just talking out of my ass because it may sound too good to be true, and then just like that i'm left in the dust, hurt and alone.

    Honestly is really the best policy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 31, 2012 3:25 AM GMT
    If guys were more upfront about initial dating intentions we would avoid the heartaches to others.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 31, 2012 3:33 AM GMT
    Anocxu saidFascinating thread…What peaks my interest are the different psychological profiles you covered in making your point / points.

    ..By the way the guy that basically tells you up front…you can never have him..i have a few theories about people who do that!
    ... If he seemed extremely comfortable in delivering news of this caliber …he is a conniving narcissist …
    He already knew what the outcome would be! He knows your fascination with the truth would outshine the actual message and land Him on Your list of things to do! This is routine for him and it works every time! (There are a few that do this out of sincerity)

    A guy who is somewhat ashamed or humiliated to reveal his inconsistencies is probably working to correct them...This is a guy that stays somewhat under the radar till he feels adequate to resume dating .

    ..The next time a guy lays out all his relationship wrecking inconsistencies in front of you! But still wants’ to get with you...Be careful! If your reaction is...OMG...he was straight up..!! I want him even more!!!
    There is a 70% chance you were played!


    Oh i'm right there with you bro. I am an analyzer. I've been around the block..seen many faces and situations and have been put in situations where i have to use whatever schooling i might have in psychology in sizing people up..and the guy who is almost elated to tell you that you can never him is most definitely narcissistic.. and if one is privy to this information and understand this personality type you should be elated he shot you down and steer clear from accordingly because he will drag you in every direction possible.. he'll even play with your emotions and say "Oh i want a relationship now.. i feel MY life is somewhere different now and I want YOU." I've been there.. and in that situation you have to say "Well I no longer want you.. this time in not convenient for ME."

    Is there already a thread up about the Malignant Narcissist?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 31, 2012 3:48 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidSo many people talk out of their ass on so many levels, it really is disappointing.

    I, for one, appreciate candidness and getting to the point.

    I'm told by close friends and family that I divulge too much and make myself vulnerable or too easily judged. Although I find this to be true at least I can hold my head up high and people know that I am not a bullshitter.

    So much bullshit out there, I am shocked that on a cultural level it is almost expected.





    The current state of popular culture nearly dictates that bullshiting and telling people what they want to hear rather than the way it is, is somehow better than stating truth to the best of your abilities so that people can just make up their minds. It's insanity. From advertisements.. to our government to entertainment to normal daily relationships we have... we're somehow talked into believing everyone "must be let down easy"... and it's ok to be creative with your truth... and it's ok to embrace privacy...

    Instead of embracing privacy and kindness... people have embraced flat out lying.. about themselves. It's permeated like every single thread of the fabric of our current global reality. There are a couple a great books about "the culture of bullshitting"...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 31, 2012 3:52 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle said
    Aggieboy saidIf guys were more upfront about initial dating intentions we would avoid the heartaches to others.


    I think this is also closely related people getting to know you and then realizing that the spark or whatever they were hoping to find simply isn't there.

    It would be nice if guys could tactfully and gently make this more clear as well.


    Yeah.. I think the "getting to know you" period at times can be rushed with gay men (people in general really).. instead of just allowing 'love" to happen through familiarity.

    I watch farr to many true crime stories and read farr too many criminology books... and It apparent that the people who often end up at the bottom of lake due to their boyfriend hacking them to pieces never really knew who their boyfriend was in the first place. Often you find that the "getting to know you" phase was rushed.. and these people just werent perceptive and were just in love with the idea of finally finding something resembling love. If they had slowed down they might of realized that they were about to mate with Psychopath.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 31, 2012 3:54 AM GMT
    I'm just glad not to be in this situation at the moment.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 31, 2012 5:24 AM GMT
    JackKash saidNow, how many of you would appreciate it if the guy you had a crush on said to you while on your first date or even before you asked him out:

    "I think you're friggin hot. Gorgeous and interesting.. But i am not long term dating material. I'm in the middle of accomplishing a lot right now, and i do not want to drag you in any direction. I'm very selfish at the moment and I'm not the nicest guy. I can casual date in something open as long as there is understanding this is more than likely not going to be something. I am not the one for you and yu are not the one for me. But I enjoy your company."

    What would you say if someone laid their cards out in front of you without having to go a few weeks to a few months before you find out that he is not long term material on your own..and that he most likely knew it. Wouldn't you have cut your losses, or proceded with caution.. juggled someone else with more potential and just kept him around?


    I've met a few guys in the past.. and one recently who were refreshingly honest.. One guy said.. "i'm not the nicest guy." and i believed him.. One guy said in a message here "I'm not boyfriend material.. you sound like an awesome guy.. but i can offer you some hot sex." .. i appreciated it. I could then in my mind just be like "Ok. This guy will be put in the Rolodex hot skanky sex when i need it.. i like him.. i'll keep him in mind.

    Would you give a guy points if he said upfront "I'm a recovering drug addict. I've got trust issues and do not like sleeping with someone in the same bed. I can be mean spirited. I'm also easily annoyed and can be a control freak."

    In a perfect world more people would think the best thing to do is to just lay your cards on the table instead of playing the game where you know you have issues and you know that someone more than likely will not be a long term dating possibility. wouldn't it be best to just politely tell them in conversation.. "You know what .. i enjoy you.. here's the deal?"

    There's this one kid who has a huge crush on me for ages.. he lives in Canada. Awesome convo.. he chats me up alot and sometimes i ignore him because about 5 months ago i told him "You are a dear.. i enjoy you alot but we'd never be boyfriends. You live in Canada and the probability of me moving to Canada to be with you is slim. And you and I personality wise just don't meld. I would hurt you in the long run.. you and I have different backgrounds.. but as friends we're excellent. You wouldn't want me. I'm not suited for you and you are not suited for me."

    He was pretty pissed and stopped talking to me.. i guess i can understand that. He went back to talking to me. HE initiated it..and he still is flirtatious.

    He has though a history of being attracted to unrequited situations.. i think it turns him on if you say no.


    There is a quote from Maya Angelou that goes something along the lines of "When someone tells you about themselves listen." It's friggin true. ALWAYS listen. If someone says "i'm mean." most people would think "Oh shuddup.. you aren't mean." but 9 times out 10 that person wasn't joking.. they are mean. They wouldn't have said that in the first place if they didn't believe for themselves that they are mean. Most people actually don't exagerate about themselves.. they downplay.. so if someone says anything about themselves... listen.

    I told the Canadian boy this quote 8 months ago in conversation we were having about how some dude broke his heart. But this dude told him up front "I'm not relationship material" and they went there.. and the dude cheated on him.

    we as humans want to see the best in people.. but really you don't have to dig much.. most people will tell you about themselves freely.

    anyhow.. discuss. Lots of ideas in this post. and places to go.


    Hmn.. Total honesty with me is something I can't do all up in the front. I suppose I may get to that point eventually but people can barely tolerate me as it is, I wonder if anyone could fully appreciate and love me completely unveiled?

    Probably not but I could be wrong.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 31, 2012 5:56 AM GMT
    I guess I have a more pessimistic approach in that I assume that with most guys, we'd be lucky to even be friends. I also, sometimes wonder if we can "stand the rain" through our own needs to be completed by, rescued by, or escape with a guy of our dreams.

    Many of us seem to be affected by things we could easily overcome if we wanted to. We also tend to have a lot of needs that we're not aware of or to which we're not willing to admit. Why wouldn't we start out with physical compatibility first (since we both want it anyway) and then see if we have even the building blocks of a potential friendship that would evolve over months/years vs days/weeks? Just a thought....
  • Jonny21

    Posts: 199

    Aug 31, 2012 6:37 AM GMT
    I definitely enjoyed the original post. I was actually in the opposite situation with a guy.

    A couple of months ago, I met this guy that had just moved to Vegas from D.C. He had a big personality, was moderately attractive, but I kind of liked him.

    We went a few dates, hung out with our friends (unfortunately, a complicating factor in the whole situation was that he had joined my circle of friends--which meant everyone knew everything), I even spent the night over his place on multiple occasion and did other "couple things" (trust me it wasn't a fuck buddy situation, I know one of those when I see it!).

    Then after he was continuously sending me mixed message, I politely pressed him on what he was after. Now mind you, I was not asking him to put a ring on it or anything like that, but considering the repeated ambiguity, I felt that it was fair to ask what was going on, so I would not fall and get hurt. Under normal circumstances, I would never ask something this early. I believe when you are in the early stages of dating (say a month to three months) you just let things happen organically and don't force definitions. However, after patiently abiding by that rule for about a month, I asked him.

    To make a long story short, I saw him out about 5 days later, we had a somewhat inadequate conservation and left things at that. Other then his occasionally Facebook "like," I have had no communication with him since. He has even disappeared from circle of friends.

    Put more simply, if he was just up front slightly earlier, we could have been just good friend and possibly friends with benefits.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 31, 2012 6:53 AM GMT
    Jonny21 saidI definitely enjoyed the original post. I was actually in the opposite situation with a guy.

    A couple of months ago, I met this guy that had just moved to Vegas from D.C. He had a big personality, was moderately attractive, but I kind of liked him.

    We went a few dates, hung out with our friends (unfortunately, a complicating factor in the whole situation was that he had joined my circle of friends--which meant everyone knew everything), I even spent the night over his place on multiple occasion and did other "couple things" (trust me it wasn't a fuck buddy situation, I know one of those when I see it!).

    Then after he was continuously sending me mixed message, I politely pressed him on what he was after. Now mind you, I was not asking him to put a ring on it or anything like that, but considering the repeated ambiguity, I felt that it was fair to ask what was going on, so I would not fall and get hurt. Under normal circumstances, I would never ask something this early. I believe when you are in the early stages of dating (say a month to three months) you just let things happen organically and don't force definitions. However, after patiently abiding by that rule for about a month, I asked him.

    To make a long story short, I saw him out about 5 days later, we had a somewhat inadequate conservation and left things at that. Other then his occasionally Facebook "like," I have had no communication with him since. He has even disappeared from circle of friends.

    Put more simply, if he was just up front slightly earlier, we could have been just good friend and possibly friends with benefits.




    ok the tricky thing is the total honesty has to be completely voluntary. Guys aren't use to honesty period.. so when you go to probe them and ask them you are going to a "clam up" or he'll just answer. More likely than not people will clam up because they feel like they are being probed for something and there is a motive..and they must "give you" something... I would have just told him "I'm looking for ______________." card on the table..and watch to see what he does.

    I usually just sit back and read people and allow them to speak.. if you are super open and know that you do read that way to that person... usually they open up and will tell you one way or another.. i'm looking for this. So honesty isn't something you can "force" or "pry" really.. sorta like a clam...