Is long distance relationship effective?

  • nathantoy

    Posts: 55

    Aug 31, 2012 12:07 PM GMT
    i want to experience if how it works. haha
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    Aug 31, 2012 1:38 PM GMT
    That depends on you and how you need a relationship to be. Have been in several LDRs, and it never worked for me. Maybe it would work for people who do not need to be around one another all that much. Have known people who have LD relationships or who live in separate houses long term and seem to get along just fine. For me, on the other hand, I feel like the one I am with needs to be physically present in my life most of the time. We need to see each other as we are, as our most vulnerable flawed and honest selves. Its hard to do that when seeing each other is a special occasion that you have to get ready for, and where you strive to make a good impression.
  • nathantoy

    Posts: 55

    Aug 31, 2012 2:01 PM GMT
    well you have a point but i still want to try it haha
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Aug 31, 2012 2:20 PM GMT
    I think that an LDR can work, but there are a couple of important caveats (for me, anyway):

    - Both parties have to be willing to commit to undertaking the travel to spend time together. It can't be one-sided.

    - Both parties have to communicate with each other regularly (and not just via text messages).

    - Both parties have to be completely honest with each other and communicate freely about what they're feeling and if it's not working.

    - There has to be an end-point to the distance; if an LDR is too open-ended, it will fail, because over time it's rarely sustainable.

    - If it does work out, and one guy moves to be closer to the other, he shouldn't make the mistake of moving in immediately. I think it's important to establish one's own circle of friends and routine as both parties get used to actually being near each other. It's a whole other ballgame going from LDR to an up-close-and-personal relationship.

    It takes a lot of heart, passion, honesty, and work. But for the right guy, I'd move mountains.
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Aug 31, 2012 2:33 PM GMT
    I should add that seeing each other in person should be a regular thing, not just once every few months or so. For me, it would have to be every two or three weeks to work.

    I'm not a believer in cyber LDRs if there's never been any real and sustained personal real life interaction.
  • nathantoy

    Posts: 55

    Aug 31, 2012 2:43 PM GMT
    DanOmatic saidI should add that seeing each other in person should be a regular thing, not just once every few months or so. For me, it would have to be every two or three weeks to work.

    I'm not a believer in cyber LDRs if there's never been any real and sustained personal real life interaction.

    really true. and i think it will never happen to anyone. unless for the things that you said.
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    Aug 31, 2012 3:32 PM GMT
    It works as long as you both communicate effectively, level set expectations, and as time progresses; begin talking about who is going to make the move to be with the other. I did 1year of long distance and moved from NY to ATL. We're still going strong after 3.5 years!!
  • TheIStrat

    Posts: 777

    Aug 31, 2012 5:22 PM GMT
    Mine worked out because he knew at the very beginning that I was moving close to where he lived. That was because I had already planned on it before I'd even met him. There needs to be an end to the Long Distance aspect of it eventually.
  • FitGwynedd

    Posts: 1468

    Aug 31, 2012 5:26 PM GMT
    Based on my personal experience, they usually fail, but are not impossible. But you have to have some sort of plan for you both to be together in the future. That's essential. As for making the relationship last in the short term, effective communication is a major part of it, but you also need to know that maybe one day a week you should skip the skype session or whatever. And a regular schedule to see each other also is essential. Financial resources to travel long distances are also helpful.
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    Aug 31, 2012 6:06 PM GMT
    My partner and I are getting ready to embark on a LD relationship after 5 months of being together. I'm moving for college so were very positive about it working out very well. I'll have my college life he will work and at weekends we'll meet up. Despite missing each other very much I feel sure it will work out well!
  • FireDoor211

    Posts: 1030

    Aug 31, 2012 6:07 PM GMT
    I'm not convinced short distance relationships work.
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    Aug 31, 2012 6:09 PM GMT
    Wether it's long or short distance it all depends on the same factors...i.e. Communication, trust etc
  • nathantoy

    Posts: 55

    Aug 31, 2012 10:50 PM GMT
    CuriousOne saidIt works as long as you both communicate effectively, level set expectations, and as time progresses; begin talking about who is going to make the move to be with the other. I did 1year of long distance and moved from NY to ATL. We're still going strong after 3.5 years!!

    great story
    hope that it will also happen to me
  • metta

    Posts: 39112

    Aug 31, 2012 10:56 PM GMT
    I have friends that have been a couple for more than 20 years. There are times when they spend over 6 months to a year apart because they have places and in California, South of France, Belgium and India. They seem to make it work. They both have family and business responsibilities that can keep them apart for long periods.
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    Aug 31, 2012 11:13 PM GMT
    The simple statistic is that over 90% end if they don't decide to eliminate the distance after 1 year, and actually do it before the two year mark.

    There are lots of other factors, but those the basic statistics.

    I know a couple who's relationship is going strong at 20 years. The conditions though are that they both like the time apart as well as together. All vacations and virtually all holidays are spent together. My personal observation is that they enjoy their 'alone' time far too much to give up on it entirely.

    As for the majority, the first statistic is true and considered so since usually one or both want to 'be' together every day. Monogamy is far easier to deal with unless both have jobs that often require 18 hour days (or for some other reason, they want or need to be available for their work 24/7.) If both truly want an open relationship, living together is a little less important, but it does create the stability of a stable place to rest your head.

    Of course there are also those relationships where they are really just FBs and the time together is more of a biological need than emotional attachment.

    The central point is honesty and balance. I know it's been said by the other above me, but HONESTY HONESTY HONESTY!!! Remember that.

    If you can move, or he can move and the difficulty of moving is outweighed by the relationship, then the choice, while difficult, is fairly obvious (again, assuming there's honest communication.)

    When my partner and I met here on RJ, we spent weeks together before the move. I was in CT and he was in Phoenix. I wouldn't move to Phoenix because I was far too accustomed to an environment where I could be out (since I had been for over 20 years) and you can get fired from a job in AZ for being gay. Deal breaker for me. He could move to CT (which he offered) or we could both move to SF Bay area, (ideal work wise for me, and he grew up here so there was a home ground familiarity for him.) Win-win.
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    Aug 31, 2012 11:16 PM GMT
    FireDoor211 saidI'm not convinced short distance relationships work.


    this. I have determined that I'm not really cut out for a full time, in your face, share your feelings, 24/7 kind of relationship. I think a LDR would be more to my liking, as I would still get my "me" time.