dating in college advice

  • socalbruin

    Posts: 28

    Sep 01, 2012 7:31 AM GMT
    how's it going everybody? I will be a junior this Fall transfering to UCLA and have hit a bit of a rough patch with dating lately. Here's a little background

    I came out to myself at 18 and after a brief stint of experimenting and hookups met a fantastic older guy (45) who I dated for a year. We are still very close but broke up over distance issues along with me being uncomfortable with the social stigma of our age difference. I am currently only out to a handful of close friends.

    This Summer I have done my best to avoid hooking up, rather seeking out a monogamous boyfriend. The reality that I'm leaving for school (which admittedly is only a two hour drive), discouraged me in some ways. Long distance, while perfectly doable, can be an extreme strain.

    So I met this guy recently, a couple years older than me. He's recently out, confident, successful, handsome. We've been on a couple dates and have good chemistry together, but he's been holding back from romantic interaction. I gather its' because I'm leaving for school and he imagines that once I'm away I won't be looking backwards, which very well could be true. Am I wrong to keep trying to pursue him, even if he's apprehensive about seriously dating? How did you guys deal with dating while you were still not out? Is it better to just be friends in this kind of situation?

    How did you guys deal with dating in college as you were sorting out your own sexuality with coming out?

    thanks for reading and any advice icon_smile.gif
  • FuriousGeorge

    Posts: 181

    Sep 01, 2012 8:48 AM GMT
    Whoa whoa bud, there was a lot of information in that post. It sounds like you're juggling two issues at once: coming to terms with your sexuality and long-distance dating. Honestly, the latter of these two shouldn't even be on your radar right now.

    I guess some people date and see other guys while they're still understanding themselves and what it means to be gay, but I don't get it. In my opinion, your time would be much better spent becoming comfortable with liking dudes and telling more people about it. I mean, how can you really give yourself to someone else if you're still not comfortable telling other people about it? I came out to all my close friends before I even considered going out and meeting guys, and that simplified things so much. No secrets, no cover-ups.

    Focus on you and your desires for now. Come to terms with them. Embrace them. Then worry about relationships. Otherwise, you're gonna get jerked around in ways you're not ready for. Why are you interested in dating before telling everyone who you'd prefer to date?
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Sep 01, 2012 12:26 PM GMT
    dating at ucla = blah
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Sep 01, 2012 12:33 PM GMT
    I can certainly understand why the guy you are seeing currently is "holding back" if the perception is that you are going away and may want to explore dating where you go to school. I think it all makes sense and I wouldn't pursue him, other than casual dating, unless you really know what you want.

    I'm not a good one to ask about coming out and dating in college. I was deeply in the closet and didn't accept who I was for years after. It wasn't until I started seeing my one and only bf .. that I accepted my sexuality and came out (after a couple of years). It sounds like you are well on your way, however. Have a good time with it and good luck in school!
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    Sep 01, 2012 1:11 PM GMT
    ha, I have these same issues... the solution I've come up with is to simply casually date in the summer when I'm home (which is a big block, I mean 4 months is a lot of time to date someone casually) but to be very honest about the fact that there's an end date. It's pretty tough to find a guy who's dating minded that is OK with a pre-determined end.

    Around the beginning of August I met a guy that I "dated" more or less for the rest of the month and that worked out pretty well - we didn't see each other daily or even every few days, but occasionally hung out, went on dates, generally just had fun without getting too serious. it was a good experience. I think in the future I'll just be friends with him.

    I think at school you can have higher expectations about long-term relationships but in the summer/on breaks you should realize that "getting serious" even though you're going to be leaving isn't really a fair thing to ask of guys you meet.
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    Sep 01, 2012 1:16 PM GMT
    Eveyone's coming out experience is different and personal, but my basic advice to you is deal with coming out first and then worry about the dating thing. I came out after college and I'm personally glad I did because I wasn't ready to handle the pressures of college and the emotional impact "coming out" has on all your friends and family. If the guy your seeing is the right what he's not going anywhere.

    Good luck with everything. There are a lot of great guys on this site who have been where u are and can help u through any problems, so use them. I wish this site existed when I was your age!
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    Sep 01, 2012 1:23 PM GMT
    A two hour drive is not so bad so you could probably still make it work (drive over on a Friday night). You'll have to try to convince him of this if you want to date him while you're in school.
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    Sep 01, 2012 2:55 PM GMT
    I'm not sure if your post is more about long distance dating or coming to terms with sexuality but it seems like you're investing a lot in a guy you've gone on just a couple of dates with (not to mention the fact you're only assuming the reason he doesn't want to get romantically involved is because of distance).

    I transferred to three different colleges before graduating and can say with confidence that's its probably not the greatest idea to move to a new place while keeping your heart strings somewhere else (it would make it quite difficult to establish yourself in LA, meet new guys, or even want to stay there if you two really fell in love).
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    Sep 01, 2012 3:26 PM GMT
    From my experience I would say that long distance while in college is a very tough battle. Your only in school for so many years, you really need to enjoy every moment and meet as many people as you can. When I was in a long distance I left every weekend to see him and I lost many friends because I could never hang out with them. It got so bad that I wanted to even transfer because I was unhappy about not seeing my boyfriend. My suggestion is to just focus on school for now, you can actively meet guys in campus and many will turn into friends and you can build yourself a social circle and become more comfortable with being gay. Actively searching for a boyfriend is almost crazy haha, its like every guy you meet has to meet these standards and I feel is makes you rush into it too fast.

    Enjoy UCLA, I'll be up there in 2 weeks as my Houston Cougars play your Bruins in the Rose Bowl. Go Coogs!!!!!!!
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    Sep 01, 2012 3:28 PM GMT
    WhyWhySee saidBeing from Canada, a two hour drive seems like a joke, but it's still not ideal for the beginnings of a relationship. If you were to drive there every weekend it could hurt your social life at college.

    I agree with FuriousGeorge about getting comfortable with being gay before serious dating. Being mostly closeted and uncomfortable is not very attractive.

    Good Luck.

    This* cause YYC always has something worth reading over and thinking about. ICU, mister! icon_razz.gif
  • socalbruin

    Posts: 28

    Sep 01, 2012 4:11 PM GMT
    thanks for the advice everyone. I do agree that coming out first is definitely an important step if I want to date seriously. Being closeted was a big part (probably the biggest part) of why I broke up with my first boyfriend to begin with... had a bad roommate situation where I had to lie every time I was going on a date or visiting my boyfriend. I even made up a fake girlfriend... never a good idea lol
  • socalbruin

    Posts: 28

    Sep 01, 2012 4:14 PM GMT
    msuNtx said Enjoy UCLA, I'll be up there in 2 weeks as my Houston Cougars play your Bruins in the Rose Bowl. Go Coogs!!!!!!!


    feel free to say hi while you're here icon_smile.gif
  • HapaDude

    Posts: 35

    Sep 01, 2012 6:34 PM GMT
    Haha I think it was all pretty much laid out there. I definitely agree with a majority of the posts in saying that coming out is the priority.

    But I just want to remind you that, in putting that at the top of your list, you don't necessarily have to cut out the guy you're casually dating right now. I mean sure, you may not be able to continue to date and be in a long distance relationship...but hey, keep in touch. A friend that you have chemistry with isn't a bad option whatsoever. And over time, who knows what will happen icon_cool.gif
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Sep 01, 2012 6:34 PM GMT
    msuNtx saidFrom my experience I would say that long distance while in college is a very tough battle. Your only in school for so many years, you really need to enjoy every moment and meet as many people as you can. When I was in a long distance I left every weekend to see him and I lost many friends because I could never hang out with them. It got so bad that I wanted to even transfer because I was unhappy about not seeing my boyfriend. My suggestion is to just focus on school for now, you can actively meet guys in campus and many will turn into friends and you can build yourself a social circle and become more comfortable with being gay. Actively searching for a boyfriend is almost crazy haha, its like every guy you meet has to meet these standards and I feel is makes you rush into it too fast.

    Enjoy UCLA, I'll be up there in 2 weeks as my Houston Cougars play your Bruins in the Rose Bowl. Go Coogs!!!!!!!



    umm... yeah, and the us men's team is gonna win a world cup
  • mybud

    Posts: 11838

    Sep 01, 2012 10:53 PM GMT
    If the guy is holding back sexually and emotionally...Why would ya continue to pursue? It only makes you look needy in his eyes...Guys hate needy and clingy types.You might be suffering through the age old rationale of "he's just not into you". Listen up man...You're young..attractive and starting up at UCLA,step back...take a deep breath and work at finding that love within yourself....Once you're secure in that type of love,,Restart your dating search...All the best.
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    Sep 02, 2012 11:15 AM GMT
    Being an art student I constantly find myself unintentionally analyzing physical proportion all the time. I blame my figure drawing class. . . but anyway, my point is proportion is very important, although sometimes it’s the oddities that are more visually appealing, I don’t think chicken legs apply to this principal though.

    A well-proportioned guy that is not too big and has great strong legs is far sexier!icon_wink.gif
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    Sep 02, 2012 11:38 AM GMT

    Ha, lol I think I'm getting tired, I can't keep my post's straight. , ,

    I don't want to tell you to buck up and gain some more self-confidence but it's not a bad way to start. I think one of the most important parts of a relationship is honesty, and when I've struggled in relationships I've found it hardest to be honest to myself.

    So you’re not out to everybody, who really cares. What I will say is that more often than not the 'out' factor can really affect your dating life. Notably everyone whether they're out or not has different views of dating based off of their own 'out-wardness' (making up words an shit. . .) I know some guys that would never date an openly out guy, just as i don't think I could ever date someone who wasn't (or someone closeted.) I'm at a level of personal growth where I'm happy with who I am, I don't feel the need to pretend I'm someone I’m not or go back into the closet for someone else. (Kind of long-winded but hopefully you're pickn' up what I'm laying down. lol)

    Long distance is just another breed of conflict. It strains you mentally, physically, and emotionally. If at the end of the day it is what you want, then great. However I don't think it’s for everyone. The few exceptions I've seen involve both partners being very independent and committed. . . And let’s face it most guys that are very independent are usually . . . single. lol, the aspect needing too much of someone or something impacts a long distance relationship immensely.

    Side note, don't try so hard to FIND a boyfriend, boys are everywhere, eventually with the right timing and a little bit of luck you might get a happy surprise.




  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 02, 2012 12:20 PM GMT
    Wow! icon_eek.gif You're a baby :3 You gotta lot more dating ahead of you, guy. Don't rush the monogamy bit. And, as others have probably.stated, you are juggling 2 issues here. Get your gear together, one issue at a time, and keep it cool.

    Honestly, I think you'd do better w/ someone your same age but thats just me (and bc you'd have more in commom and won't feel like he's taking care of a baby). But I do know that two neutrons moving in opposite directions never quite get that charge they're both looking for (relationship wise).
  • socalbruin

    Posts: 28

    Sep 02, 2012 5:09 PM GMT
    mybud saidIf the guy is holding back sexually and emotionally...Why would ya continue to pursue? It only makes you look needy in his eyes...Guys hate needy and clingy types.You might be suffering through the age old rationale of "he's just not into you". Listen up man...You're young..attractive and starting up at UCLA,step back...take a deep breath and work at finding that love within yourself....Once you're secure in that type of love,,Restart your dating search...All the best.


    I think you may be right about him being "just not that into [me]", and i'm probably projecting some of my insecurity about that onto the situation.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 02, 2012 5:27 PM GMT
    Save yourself the heartache and focus on college. There's no way of knowing where you'll go after you graduate, and that could split up a great relationship.
  • socalbruin

    Posts: 28

    Sep 18, 2012 3:18 AM GMT
    UPDATE: so I leave for school in 3 days and the guy texts me again after no contact in a few weeks... is it worth it to ask him out again one last time before I go? I would really like to see him :/
  • crownroyal117

    Posts: 42

    Sep 18, 2012 3:23 AM GMT
    Don't bother. Just have fun, study, make memories for life that don't rely on some other college dude.
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    Sep 18, 2012 3:29 AM GMT
    socalbruin saidUPDATE: so I leave for school in 3 days and the guy texts me again after no contact in a few weeks... is it worth it to ask him out again one last time before I go? I would really like to see him :/
    DON'T DO IT IT'S A TRAP
  • socalbruin

    Posts: 28

    Sep 18, 2012 3:36 AM GMT
    Neight said
    socalbruin saidUPDATE: so I leave for school in 3 days and the guy texts me again after no contact in a few weeks... is it worth it to ask him out again one last time before I go? I would really like to see him :/
    DON'T DO IT IT'S A TRAP


    lol exactly, feel like im reading too much into it
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 18, 2012 3:37 AM GMT
    socalbruin saidUPDATE: so I leave for school in 3 days and the guy texts me again after no contact in a few weeks... is it worth it to ask him out again one last time before I go? I would really like to see him :/


    forsure! at least go get some lunch or something say bye or whatever ya know...he prob knows your leaving soon and just wants to see you before you go i wouldnt leave him hanging thats just me though