just went to a wedding....

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    Sep 02, 2012 6:04 AM GMT
    Ive been home in RI all weekend -- catching up with old high school friends and went to a friend's wedding. Everyone is married or getting married. It's funny how in your late 20s that's what all your friends seem to be doing. Made me feel kinda lonely and sad a little, wanting so badly to meet that guy who I will spend the rest of my life with... I hope everyone out there wants to find that...it's such a beautiful thing...that is all.
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    Sep 02, 2012 6:31 AM GMT
    Capn_A saidIve been home in RI all weekend -- catching up with old high school friends and went to a friend's wedding. Everyone is married or getting married. It's funny how in your late 20s that's what all your friends seem to be doing. Made me feel kinda lonely and sad a little, wanting so badly to meet that guy who I will spend the rest of my life with... I hope everyone out there wants to find that...it's such a beautiful thing...that is all.


    Agreed. *Le sigh* icon_neutral.gif
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Sep 02, 2012 6:59 AM GMT
    Capn_A saidIve been home in RI all weekend -- catching up with old high school friends and went to a friend's wedding. Everyone is married or getting married. It's funny how in your late 20s that's what all your friends seem to be doing. Made me feel kinda lonely and sad a little, wanting so badly to meet that guy who I will spend the rest of my life with... I hope everyone out there wants to find that...it's such a beautiful thing...that is all.


    Yeah, I have noticed it is the new thing right now. That or with some straight people I knew in High school, having babies.

    But I wouldn't worry, I'm sure you'll find your perfect match. icon_smile.gif
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    Sep 02, 2012 11:35 AM GMT
    Capn_A saidIve been home in RI all weekend -- catching up with old high school friends and went to a friend's wedding. Everyone is married or getting married. It's funny how in your late 20s that's what all your friends seem to be doing. Made me feel kinda lonely and sad a little, wanting so badly to meet that guy who I will spend the rest of my life with... I hope everyone out there wants to find that...it's such a beautiful thing...that is all.


    Tell me about it aye!
    My sister just got married and I was her 'man of honour' which was nice.
    Then another friend is getting married in October, then another in November, and then 2 of my closest friends are getting married in February.

    I'm surrounded by weddings!
    Apparently when you're surrounded by weddings it's supposed to signify your own wedding coming soon.
    Well I hate that I break some trends ...
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    Sep 02, 2012 11:45 AM GMT
    And once you reach my age, most of your friends will have gone through a divorce and be single again. lol icon_wink.gif
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    Sep 02, 2012 12:05 PM GMT
    blackhawksfan saidAnd once you reach my age, most of your friends will have gone through a divorce and be single again. lol icon_wink.gif

    LOL! Good point! And at MY age, some I know have even been "maritally recycled" several times.

    At least the straights have. Oddly most of my married gay friends (and some legally married in States that permit it) have never broken up, together for decades. Seems we gays whore around early in life (with exceptions), change BFs often, but once we settle down we may have a better track record than our straight counterparts.

    And I've seen that tendency to settle down beginning in the late 20s-early 30s, just as the OP observed. Probably a male hormone thing, combined with other ordinary elements of maturity and life development, along with societal expectations.

    Just don't make my mistake, pressured by family and examples all around me (in my case as an Army Officer, where a wife was considered "standard issue" and I was the only Captain I knew without one), and choose to join the other team more out of conformity than conviction. And the feeling of being left out, to which the OP alludes.

    I was never truly happy playing for the other side, fully realizing my mistake only when I finally had a gay partner and found real happiness. I'd advise the OP, if he was feeling jealous of those married straights, to hold out for the real thing. It is indeed a beautiful thing, when you're gay and your loving partner is a man.
  • ggst82

    Posts: 83

    Sep 02, 2012 12:08 PM GMT
    It is nice to be a part of or witness a friend make a public commitment to someone they, hopefully, care deeply for and love. But I wouldn't let that pressure you to into immediately searching for yours like the plane is going down as that can lead to a disastrous end. Take a deep breath bc you have plenty of time. Timing is crucial so just relax and enjoy the rollercoaster. You'd be surprised who you meet when you're not looking.

    Honestly (and this is going to make me sound terrible, but oh well...such is life) I only go to close friends' weddings that I know will be a good time...and for the cocktail hour...I like comparing them with my other single friends!
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    Sep 02, 2012 12:22 PM GMT
    Capn_A saidIve been home in RI all weekend -- catching up with old high school friends and went to a friend's wedding. Everyone is married or getting married. It's funny how in your late 20s that's what all your friends seem to be doing. Made me feel kinda lonely and sad a little, wanting so badly to meet that guy who I will spend the rest of my life with... I hope everyone out there wants to find that...it's such a beautiful thing...that is all.


    Weddings can be terrible, Last year I was still working my way out of a bad relationship and it seemed like everyone, including my one of my brothers was getting married.

    It was hard being a part of my brothers wedding and working at helping my sister-in-law prepare the reception tent to her specifications when the concept of marriage seemed so unrealistic at the time. I had a number of good breakdowns before or after a wedding last year because the desire to one day have that, 'forever' moment seemed so far away.

    Great post, I hope you and everyone else find that guy who makes you happy.

  • ac416

    Posts: 273

    Sep 02, 2012 4:22 PM GMT
    Straight people have to lock it down before their eggs dry up . Being gay you don't have to settle due to a biological clock so enjoy the freedom. You have your whole life to find the perfect person and I believe whenever it happens it will be worth it. So enjoy your life before that, desperation for a man isn't going to attract them any sooner! icon_biggrin.gif
  • hartfan

    Posts: 1037

    Sep 02, 2012 4:32 PM GMT
    It's known as the wedding effect (I think the article makes some unwarranted judgments but does make a good point):

    THREE years ago, at a wedding in Prague, I met an Englishman with whom I had an immediate and powerful connection. We e-mailed for two months, and then I joined him in the Bahamas for a weeklong second date. At first, the match seemed fated, the product of a romantic version of paying it forward. You see, my cousin Luke, who grew up in Michigan, started things off by marrying a woman from Prague named Kaja. At their wedding, my cousin Beau met Tereza, Kaja’s younger sister. They had an immediate and powerful connection, e-mailed and Skyped for a while, and then Beau moved to Prague. I met my Englishman at their wedding.

    This is where the international matrimonial chain reaction ends, however, because we broke up in less than a year, driven asunder not by the 5,000 miles that separate London from Palo Alto but, mundanely, by our own incompatible personalities.

    Had we met under different circumstances, I doubt we would have dated at all, but weddings impair judgment. It was 4 in the morning; it was Prague. We weren’t alone in behaving imprudently. After I walk-of-shamed the length of Wenceslas Square back to the apartment I was sharing with the groom’s sisters, I found a dress soaking in the bidet. One of these sisters, ordinarily an elegant and self-possessed woman, had gotten the giggles so severely while stumbling back from the bar that she had executed a kindergarten-style collapse-and-pee on the sidewalk.

    I’m 29, squarely in the middle of that heady span of years when the tempo driving the game of conjugal musical chairs has suddenly accelerated and summer weekends are spent zipping around the country watching friend after friend tie the knot. There is something numbing about all this marrying. The thrill of the first friends’ weddings, when everybody was young and lifelong commitment seemed wild and transgressive, has worn off, and a jaded peanut gallery has sprung up: guests with finicky expertise on food and venues and fine points of policy, like whether bridesmaids should wear matching dresses or whether there should be bridesmaids at all.

    Personally, I’m anti-bridesmaid. I’m also anti-toast; marginally pro-D.J.; anti-funk but pro-Motown; and a fan of the old-fashioned lowered veil. If I marry, I want to blow the budget on renting a bunch of cabins or beach cottages so everyone can just hang out for a couple of days. (My dream wedding is the party scene in “Dazed and Confused,” except with me wandering around shrouded by a veil.)

    Then again, these preferences are cheaply formed; I’ve never had to enter into the protracted, emotionally fraught, multilateral negotiations that precede The Big Day. Bride and groom compromise with each other, with bankrolling parents and overbearing sisters, with vendors and religious convictions and financial realities. Maybe part of the reason it is accepted, even encouraged, for wedding guests to give themselves over to bacchanalian impulses is out of collective relief that all the fretting and bargaining is over. The wedding ship has sailed, and we are all aboard, and we should make the most of it. I wonder, though, if the freewheeling merriment isn’t also rooted in a kind of doomsday solidarity. Binding yourself to another person with the intention of fidelity and the hope of lasting happiness is a daredevil leap of faith, and perhaps the momentum of nuptial risk-taking is contagious, inspiring guests to throw caution to the wind at the table or the bar or in bed. My friends’ weddings have been joyful and optimistic, but we’ve heard so many ominous statistics about the divorce rate that these days a distant rumble of anxiety can be heard at even the most determinedly perfect celebrations.

    Maybe there’s some cosmic significance to the fact that thunderstorms have visited most of the summer weddings I’ve been to, scattering caterers and whipping tent flaps open to let in sheets of rain. Maybe, at a recent wedding, the woman in an enormous black-mesh flying saucer of a hat who ended her toast by plunging, without warning, into an a cappella rendition of “At Last” that segued into “The Glory of Love” was a well-meaning relative taking a risk of her own, or maybe she was a dark angel, full of foreboding.

    In the waning minutes of my friend Lily’s wedding, another friend and I skinny-dipped in a dark pond for no better reason than someone’s suggestion that we wouldn’t dare. We splashed around in the warm, weedy water and then ran, dripping and triumphant, through a field to catch the last shuttle back to the hotel. It wasn’t until the next morning, when Lily’s mom asked us if we still had all our fingers and toes, that we learned the pond was home to a dense and aggressive population of snapping turtles.

    Ignorance is bliss, they say. There are snapping turtles at every wedding, under the tables and on the dance floor, snapping warnings about the uncertainties of the future, the impermanence of our bodies, the fickleness of love. But the best things, the eating and drinking and dancing and kissing, happen only when we ignore them.
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    Sep 02, 2012 7:28 PM GMT
    ac416 saidStraight people have to lock it down before their eggs dry up . Being gay you don't have to settle due to a biological clock so enjoy the freedom. You have your whole life to find the perfect person and I believe whenever it happens it will be worth it. So enjoy your life before that, desperation for a man isn't going to attract them any sooner! icon_biggrin.gif

    E

    Desperate? Dude, not to be shallow, but I can go out right now and go home with many guys. Many on this site can. I didn't say I wanted to "settle" nor do I have a need for "freedom." I don't look at relationships as something that I have to fight against and relinquish myself to. I'm very much enjoying my life, single or not, but the desire to be with someone and share my life with them is something to be proud to want. And being at the wedding, my whole point was that it made me feel a little lonely for it-- but I know it will happen when it's time. I suggest you open your mind to the possibilities that love and partnership aren't something of a burden but are a blessing.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Sep 02, 2012 7:36 PM GMT
    yeah love is a beautiful thing. well at least that is what i have been told or have seen from others. i have never been in love. i am still waiting.
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    Sep 02, 2012 7:46 PM GMT
    Same thing happen to me when I was in my 20's and went back to my alma matter were a lot of my friends have gotten married,etc. - same thing in S. California a couple of years later, then by the mid-30's, all these friends were getting divorces, separatedicon_eek.gif which was sad to see.

    My take on that was sometimes people in the same water hole settle... sort to speak, all of sudden the girl and guy who could not stand each other, find themselves as ."Well I guess this is the best I can do in my neighborhood, so I will marry him, they try to ignore the incapabilities, or think they can change someone'.

    I am not saying this is the same occurrence that you are seeing in RI with your friends, but I noticed that some people settle, they do not venture out, travel, learn about other cultures, lived in other places, etc.

    My best advise is travel, enjoy yourself explore the world around you, and I am sure you will find a great guy. Our circumstances should not dictate how we live; rather we should change our circumstances on how we want to live.
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    Sep 02, 2012 7:54 PM GMT
    Thanks umbroca -- I think that now that the night (and booze) has worn off -- I see things a little more clearly. It's not so much OMG LETS GET MARRIED -- but more like, damn, wouldn't it be great to have that special bond and connection with someone -- and pledge in front of God, your friends and family-- to make that work out? So freakin cool.
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    Sep 02, 2012 8:06 PM GMT
    Capn_A saidThanks umbroca -- I think that now that the night (and booze) has worn off -- I see things a little more clearly. It's not so much OMG LETS GET MARRIED -- but more like, damn, wouldn't it be great to have that special bond and connection with someone -- and pledge in front of God, your friends and family-- to make that work out? So freakin cool.


    I totally agree with youicon_smile.gif but I think sometimes we are in romance of the idea of marriage, rather than was comes after which is being in a relationship and making it work. Other RJs, that have had long relationships in (gay years) could attest of their ups/downs and how they have made it work, even if its not recognized yet in all the States, it does not negate in my mind the love and respect they have for each other and how they have made it work; wether the relationship is monogamous or open - there are gems of wisdom there, which I am also trying to learn. I think sometimes is also the environment we grew up.

    I was taking to a gay hiking buddy recently about our family experiences, how we see relationships, all the obstacles we survived in life, etc. and sometimes is a miracle on how we end up relationships and make them work, because we came from environments that were not the most healthy per say...we did not have good relationships models to see and how the dynamics work. This is why I am glad I move 3500 miles from my family, traveled, experienced the world, etc.
  • ac416

    Posts: 273

    Sep 02, 2012 11:32 PM GMT
    Capn_A said
    ac416 saidStraight people have to lock it down before their eggs dry up . Being gay you don't have to settle due to a biological clock so enjoy the freedom. You have your whole life to find the perfect person and I believe whenever it happens it will be worth it. So enjoy your life before that, desperation for a man isn't going to attract them any sooner! icon_biggrin.gif

    E

    Desperate? Dude, not to be shallow, but I can go out right now and go home with many guys. Many on this site can. I didn't say I wanted to "settle" nor do I have a need for "freedom." I don't look at relationships as something that I have to fight against and relinquish myself to. I'm very much enjoying my life, single or not, but the desire to be with someone and share my life with them is something to be proud to want. And being at the wedding, my whole point was that it made me feel a little lonely for it-- but I know it will happen when it's time. I suggest you open your mind to the possibilities that love and partnership aren't something of a burden but are a blessing.


    My bad. Sorry. That didn't come across too good but your right. Was just speaking in general terms
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    Sep 02, 2012 11:36 PM GMT
    Capn_A saidIve been home in RI all weekend -- catching up with old high school friends and went to a friend's wedding. Everyone is married or getting married. It's funny how in your late 20s that's what all your friends seem to be doing. Made me feel kinda lonely and sad a little, wanting so badly to meet that guy who I will spend the rest of my life with... I hope everyone out there wants to find that...it's such a beautiful thing...that is all.

    Yeah I know what ya mean . SStill waiting for that special someone as well.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Sep 02, 2012 11:41 PM GMT
    Cap, you have a lot to offer. If another guy doesn't recognize that, it's his loss. It's not easy meeting other gay men interested in the long-term, I know. But keep putting yourself out there.

    I've been to two weddings in the last two years. One was my sister's, and the other was that of two gay friends. I sort of dread weddings for exactly this reason you mention, so I went into the second with a mix of excitement for my friends to truly be married and yet that it would make me reflect on my own relationship status. I have to tell you, Ruben and Joaquin's wedding was one of the most uplifting, loving, and party-filled environments I've ever been in. It blew my sister's out of the water. And I left not focusing on me, but the love of the community, straight and gay, that helped get my friends to where they were and able to commit to each other as husband and husband. Everyone should be as lucky to share that sort of wedding experience.
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    Sep 03, 2012 4:21 AM GMT
    EricLA saidCap, you have a lot to offer. If another guy doesn't recognize that, it's his loss. It's not easy meeting other gay men interested in the long-term, I know. But keep putting yourself out there.

    I've been to two weddings in the last two years. One was my sister's, and the other was that of two gay friends. I sort of dread weddings for exactly this reason you mention, so I went into the second with a mix of excitement for my friends to truly be married and yet that it would make me reflect on my own relationship status. I have to tell you, Ruben and Joaquin's wedding was one of the most uplifting, loving, and party-filled environments I've ever been in. It blew my sister's out of the water. And I left not focusing on me, but the love of the community, straight and gay, that helped get my friends to where they were and able to commit to each other as husband and husband. Everyone should be as lucky to share that sort of wedding experience.


    That sounds just beautiful Eric. It gives me hope. Thank you for sharing that.
  • BIG_N_TALL

    Posts: 2190

    Sep 03, 2012 4:37 AM GMT
    I'm turning 26 next month, and virtually everyone I went to high school with is married now... some even have kids now. A good many people I went to college with are married now. It definitely makes me feel out of place.
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    Sep 03, 2012 4:46 AM GMT
    I'm never getting married. I'm Gucci, Fuck that.
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    Sep 03, 2012 5:07 AM GMT
    I've had my wedding planned for 16 years. (hasn't happened... yet.)

    To me.. it's something that's tailored to a specific love.... the particular guy.

    Some weddings are more "casual" in style... but deeply personal.

    The one I've always pictured, though, is the one I wanted with my first great love.

    Not to reveal too many details, but it included commissioning a ballet by the Bolshoi in honor of our love. icon_redface.gif and it's performance as one part of a week-long event.

    Just thinking about it.... and him.... makes me choke up a bit.
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    Sep 03, 2012 5:25 AM GMT
    Unfortunately, as others have stated, there are plenty of people who get married for the wrong reasons. I think women especially feel a lot of pressure to 'settle down' by their mid 20's, regardless of biological timetables. And many also obsess about the wedding itself and not the reality of the fact that they will actually be living with this person, if they weren't already, after the wedding is over.

    Obviously gay men don't have to worry about any biological clock and hopefully they aren't obsessing over a wedding.....well not too much anyway. haha. The trick though is to actually get a gay man to want to commit and not be looking for the next best thing...which doesn't exist. It's a sad myth that the gay community has been sold and bought lots of stock in. ;)
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    Sep 03, 2012 1:21 PM GMT
    Nah man, I disagree. Plenty of gays want to committ. The next best thing is the myth. It doesn't matter who you are with, there will always be disagreements/issues/arguments. You have to work through those--however if there are legitimate values and life goals that don't synch up, probably not the best relationship for you.
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    Sep 03, 2012 6:13 PM GMT
    That is what I meant....the next best thing is the myth.