Gateway Gay...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 02, 2012 4:55 PM GMT
    3 months ago, I met this amazing guy. He came out of no where, it was very random. I really wasn't up for dating but he pushed it, he wanted to get to know me, so I said, why not... Right? Our first date was amazing, we went for coffee and chated for about 4 hours and by the end of the night, we didn't wanna say goodbye. The following day we went to lunch and the connection was stronger than the 1st date. After that we saw each other every single day or at least every other day.

    (He is 26 years old. He has crystal clear blue eyes, blonde hair, a smile that would melt your heart and his body was fit. He has been out for 1 year and prior to that he was with a girl for 10 years living together.

    Back in January of his month, he got into a motorcycle accident. He lost over 20-30 pounds of pure muscle. He was a really built and muscly guy. When I met him tho, he had already lost the weight due to the accident. He had moved back home because he stopped working and couldnt pay for his apartment in Huntington Beach. He has had 2 big surgeries this year and has his last big surgery coming up in 2 weeks. )

    I knew there would be problems due to the fact that he was a new gay. I was his first bf and the first guy he ever topped. I tried breaking things off since they had seem to move so fast, but he wouldn't want to, he had fallen deeply for me and how he felt I was the one and how happy he was he found me. A month into our relationship obviously our real personalities came out and turned out he was a very insecure guy. I just figured because I was his first bf. in the end, he broke up with me last week. He couldn't take being jealous all the time, and he hated that he always questioned me. He started freaking out because his surgery was coming up and he'd be out for a month on drugs and feared the worse. He feared being extremely jealous and questioning me even more since he wouldn't be able to do anything. I always reassured him that I wasn't interested in anyone else and I really was in love with him. This time he didn't want to work things out anymore.

    He wanted to work on himself. He said he felt he wasn't good for me right now. He wanted to get through this surgery without stress of what I'm doing or what guy might be trying to get at me. He wants to get back to work and move out again. Then once he has his life back in order look for me so we can be together once again and be happy without any insecurities. I believe when you're in a relationship you work as a team to fight or work on things together. I didn't care he had gotten a little fat, I just wanted to be with him. I found out he created an adam4adam account and OkCupid 2 days after he broke up wih me over an e-mail, and is "looking to date, I'd like to get to know someone really well before rushing into anything, although a relationship would be nice".

    This has left me really crushed and heartbroken.

    Was I just his trial run in the gay world? Did he really love me? Did he really mean about coming back for me in the near future? And if so, then why the fuck would he be looking to date others already? I don't get it!

    Any advice would be amazing... Have you been in my situation or similar? How did you deal with all of this?

  • robevans912

    Posts: 87

    Sep 02, 2012 5:34 PM GMT
    Sounds like he:

    1) Has true issues with his confidence and has become a bit insecure (used to have muscles, lost muscles, etc) and "he hated that he always questioned me" could be a sign of that insecurity.

    or

    2) He's fallen out of love with you and is using the whole "let's just meet up again" thing to let you down easily.


    Most likely a combo of both, but if he was new to the whole gay thing, he might just be testing the waters. Try not to linger on it -- he's moved forward, and you're still stuck on "what used to be"

    Move on.
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    Sep 02, 2012 5:46 PM GMT
    robevans912 saidSounds like he:

    1) Has true issues with his confidence and has become a bit insecure (used to have muscles, lost muscles, etc) and "he hated that he always questioned me" could be a sign of that insecurity.

    or

    2) He's fallen out of love with you and is using the whole "let's just meet up again" thing to let you down easily.


    Most likely a combo of both, but if he was new to the whole gay thing, he might just be testing the waters. Try not to linger on it -- he's moved forward, and you're still stuck on "what used to be"

    Move on.



    Thanks, I'm definitely trying... Just really sucks. I wish he would've given an honest answer. This break up came out of no where. The day before we were fine and in love. Even the day he broke up with me during the day he was already making plans for the week, then we got in one little argument about me going out with friends and hours later he's breaking up with me.
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    Sep 02, 2012 6:12 PM GMT
    As a general rule, I think a lot of times when a guy first starts dating other guys, it is unlikely the initial relationship will last. Even if he's really into you, he'll want to test the waters before fully being committed to settling down. Just something that tends to go with the territory of dating a newly out guy. Not saying it applies to everybody, but is the case more often than not.
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    Sep 02, 2012 6:16 PM GMT
    sashaman saidAs a general rule, I think a lot of times when a guy first starts dating other guys, it is unlikely the initial relationship will last. Even if he's really into you, he'll want to test the waters before fully being committed to settling down. Just something that tends to go with the territory of dating a newly out guy. Not saying it applies to everybody, but is the case more often than not.


    I completely agree... He had been out for a year and did date guys, but none of them evolved to anything. He also hooked up but ended realizing that wasn't what he wanted so he just partied and went out all year then he met me and he wanted to settle down and not let me go...
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    Sep 02, 2012 6:30 PM GMT
    Honestly the best thing to do is just move on. I know that is easier said than done but dwelling on the 'why' will just drive you crazy. Any guy who was truly in love with you wouldn't be on adam4adam 2 days after he broke up with you. Not trying to sound harsh but just being honest with you.
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    Sep 02, 2012 6:39 PM GMT
    This story is so...sad.

    You don't deserve that though, to be honest it's shady and insensitive. If he;s making other profiles then something obviously is up. Whatever he told you about coming back is probably bullshit unless he just wants sex. Sorry man icon_sad.gif
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    Sep 02, 2012 6:40 PM GMT
    princeofnash saidHonestly the best thing to do is just move on. I know that is easier said than done but dwelling on the 'why' will just drive you crazy. Any guy who was truly in love with you wouldn't be on adam4adam 2 days after he broke up with you. Not trying to sound harsh but just being honest with you.



    It's not harsh... Thank you for your honesty! I really appreciate it.
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    Sep 02, 2012 6:40 PM GMT
    Brad412 saidThis story is so...sad.

    You don't deserve that though, to be honest it's shady and insensitive. If he;s making other profiles then something obviously is up. Whatever he told you about coming back is probably bullshit unless he just wants sex. Sorry man icon_sad.gif



    It's ok... It's what I figured.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 02, 2012 6:45 PM GMT
    I could be your new boy toy.
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    Sep 02, 2012 6:46 PM GMT
    shortstuffs saidI could be your new boy toy.



    Haha I'm down lol I need a distraction icon_razz.gif
  • camfer

    Posts: 892

    Sep 02, 2012 6:51 PM GMT
    Next time move more slowly. You ended up dating someone who was jealous, insecure, narcissistic, and utterly confused. Please count your blessings that you're no longer with him. If he is putting up online profiles for a relationship 2 days after breaking up with you, he didn't have much invested in you when you were dating.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 02, 2012 6:53 PM GMT
    you really think it´s good to post pictures of him on here?

    You do seem to attract and create drama.
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    Sep 02, 2012 6:57 PM GMT
    GonzoTheGreat saidyou really think it´s good to post pictures of him on here?

    You do seem to attract and create drama.


    I'm not sure how I'm attracting and creating drama, but I'm sorry you have to be a dick.
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    Sep 02, 2012 7:11 PM GMT
    Wow. You afford anyone with an internet connection access to private details and photos of a guy who recently came out and you wonder why your ex doesn't want to be with you?

    You've got a lot to learn.
    Meditate a little on the concept of privacy. Or discretion. Or respect.

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    Sep 02, 2012 7:14 PM GMT
    osakarob saidWow. You afford anyone with an internet connection access to private details and photos of a guy who recently came out and you wonder why your ex doesn't want to be with you?

    You've got a lot to learn.
    Meditate a little on the concept of privacy. Or discretion. Or respect.




    He's been out for a year already... Everyone knows he's gay. It's not a secret. He's very gay pride.
  • TheBizMan

    Posts: 4091

    Sep 02, 2012 7:16 PM GMT
    I was gonna say pics or it didn't happen but then....
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    Sep 02, 2012 7:18 PM GMT
    AleksandrD said
    osakarob saidWow. You afford anyone with an internet connection access to private details and photos of a guy who recently came out and you wonder why your ex doesn't want to be with you?

    You've got a lot to learn.
    Meditate a little on the concept of privacy. Or discretion. Or respect.




    He's been out for a year already... Everyone knows he's gay. It's not a secret. He's very gay pride.


    It doesn't matter dude, its his privacy not yours. He may not like his picture on the internet, he may not like his picture tied with this story of yours. People may see him and read this and know what has gone on in his life, including a motorcycle accident and 2 major surgery. And they know he has financial difficulty.

    It is out of line, completely out of line.

    Get over yourself dude and stop thinking you can just do whatever you want whenever you want. Part of growing up is realizing that people have boundaries and you do not have the right to do whatever you want with their information and identity.

    Seriously, its not rocket science its common sense.
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    Sep 02, 2012 7:20 PM GMT
    Chainers said
    AleksandrD said
    osakarob saidWow. You afford anyone with an internet connection access to private details and photos of a guy who recently came out and you wonder why your ex doesn't want to be with you?

    You've got a lot to learn.
    Meditate a little on the concept of privacy. Or discretion. Or respect.




    He's been out for a year already... Everyone knows he's gay. It's not a secret. He's very gay pride.


    It doesn't matter dude, its his privacy not yours. He may not like his picture on the internet, he may not like his picture tied with this story of yours. People may see him and read this and know what has gone on in his life, including a motorcycle accident and 2 major surgery. And they know he has financial difficulty.

    It is out of line, completely out of line.

    Get over yourself dude and stop thinking you can just do whatever you want whenever you want. Part of growing up is realizing that people have boundaries and you do not have the right to do whatever you want with their information and identity.

    Seriously, its not rocket science its common sense.



    I didn't post the pic to make any drama or out of disrespect... Clearly you guys are seeing it in a different light. I'll take the pic off tho. It's not a big deal.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 02, 2012 7:24 PM GMT
    Chainers said
    AleksandrD said
    osakarob saidWow. You afford anyone with an internet connection access to private details and photos of a guy who recently came out and you wonder why your ex doesn't want to be with you?

    You've got a lot to learn.
    Meditate a little on the concept of privacy. Or discretion. Or respect.




    He's been out for a year already... Everyone knows he's gay. It's not a secret. He's very gay pride.


    It doesn't matter dude, its his privacy not yours. He may not like his picture on the internet, he may not like his picture tied with this story of yours. People may see him and read this and know what has gone on in his life, including a motorcycle accident and 2 major surgery. And they know he has financial difficulty.

    It is out of line, completely out of line.

    Get over yourself dude and stop thinking you can just do whatever you want whenever you want. Part of growing up is realizing that people have boundaries and you do not have the right to do whatever you want with their information and identity.

    Seriously, its not rocket science its common sense.


    Ewwww you're back!! icon_razz.gificon_razz.gificon_razz.gificon_razz.gificon_razz.gif
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Sep 02, 2012 7:26 PM GMT
    dude, it sounds like he was playing games with you. i am sure he is insecure and jealous. however, i also think he just wanted a way out because he just wanted to see other people. it has nothing to do with you. its part of guys learning to grow up and be mature. he is not quite mature enough for you. u are a handsome guy and will have no problem meeting someone.
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    Sep 02, 2012 7:42 PM GMT
    Insecurity is often a sign of indiscretion that one has for oneself. He obviously wasn't right for you, not to respect your privacy and sense of independence.

    See, some people think relationships are cultivated from two people being completely dependent on each other. I can't say I agree to this idea of a relationship. What I, instead, propose is Interdependence-- a coalition, a unity of two two independent individuals in a symbiotic relationship.

    It seems he is still caught and torn by the Phantoms of his Pasts. He doesn't know how to discern between foe and friend, lover and fiend.

    I think it may been propagated by the fact he became disabled and lost his definition and everything else he strived for. It's apparent his achievements and sense of self-worth is defined by his appearance to a degree. Not surprising. Most people are this way; their appearances do matter and it's hard for them to accept it, it's even harder for them to accept that others can accept them as they are-- hence you.

    It seems he needs to get his life together because a part of him values you but in this very objective sense of the word. He finds you to be "a great catch" rather than an actual person. He would feel inadequate and insecure being with you if it were any other way.

    As I analyze the situation I ask myself: What is this? This is not "love". This is "obligation". Granted, he may have a lot of sincere feelings for you but they're being undermined by his insecurities. Already, he's committed himself online to dating websites. It seems like he cannot face you anymore because how he feels it would make you feel but really he's more afraid of how he would feel (e.g. incomplete).

    He reminds me of a dying cat who distances himself from his owner. He needs time to rebuild himself up again to look at you again.


    My advice.
    You're a sweet boy Aleksandr but don't beat yourself up for this man. Although I can empathize and even sympathize with him-- he feels he isn't good enough for you and feels like what he would offer to you isn't enough. He feels broken, like the world has been ripped apart and the support underneath his legs pulled away. It's a real tragedy that such things happened to him, regrettable even but... love isn't a contest. It's not about "whether I am good enough or not." If you are loved, sincerely, you are good enough. The fact he likely cannot face you means he doesn't want to be with you.

    In this distance, your trust and feelings have been severed, driven apart, and betrayed. That's why it aches. It craves for the closeliness but I don't think you'll get it. So, you should consider moving on, even if you don't want to. It'll be for the better.

    Best and Goodluck, icon_smile.gif
    -Mike
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 02, 2012 7:46 PM GMT
    ParadiseLost saidInsecurity is often a sign of indiscretion that one has for oneself. He obviously wasn't right for you, not to respect your privacy and sense of independence.

    See, some people think relationships are cultivated from two people being completely dependent on each other. I can't say I agree to this idea of a relationship. What I, instead, propose is Interdependence-- a coalition, a unity of two two independent individuals in a symbiotic relationship.

    It seems he is still caught and torn by the Phantoms of his Pasts. He doesn't know how to discern between foe and friend, lover and fiend.

    I think it may been propagated by the fact he became disabled and lost his definition and everything else he strived for. It's apparent his achievements and sense of self-worth is defined by his appearance to a degree. Not surprising. Most people are this way; their appearances do matter and it's hard for them to accept it, it's even harder for them to accept that others can accept them as they are-- hence you.

    It seems he needs to get his life together because a part of him values you but in this very objective sense of the word. He finds you to be "a great catch" rather than an actual person. He would feel inadequate and insecure being with you if it were any other way.

    As I analyze the situation I ask myself: What is this? This is not "love". This is "obligation". Granted, he may have a lot of sincere feelings for you but they're being undermined by his insecurities. Already, he's committed himself online to dating websites. It seems like he cannot face you anymore because how he feels it would make you feel but really he's more afraid of how he would feel (e.g. incomplete).

    He reminds me of a dying cat who distances himself from his owner. He needs time to rebuild himself up again to look at you again.


    My advice.
    You're a sweet boy Aleksandr but don't beat yourself up for this man. Although I can empathize and even sympathize with him-- he feels he isn't good enough for you and feels like what he would offer to you isn't enough. He feels broken, like the world has been ripped apart and the support underneath his legs pulled away. It's a real tragedy that such things happened to him, regrettable even but... love isn't a contest. It's not about "whether I am good enough or not." If you are loved, sincerely, you are good enough. The fact he likely cannot face you means he doesn't want to be with you.

    In this distance, your trust and feelings have been severed, driven apart, and betrayed. That's why it aches. It craves for the closeliness but I don't think you'll get it. So, you should consider moving on, even if you don't want to. It'll be for the better.

    Best and Goodluck, icon_smile.gif
    -Mike



    Thank you... This is prob the best advice I've gotten all week since the break up!!! I really appreciate it!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 02, 2012 7:58 PM GMT
    AleksandrD said
    ParadiseLost saidInsecurity is often a sign of indiscretion that one has for oneself. He obviously wasn't right for you, not to respect your privacy and sense of independence.

    See, some people think relationships are cultivated from two people being completely dependent on each other. I can't say I agree to this idea of a relationship. What I, instead, propose is Interdependence-- a coalition, a unity of two two independent individuals in a symbiotic relationship.

    It seems he is still caught and torn by the Phantoms of his Pasts. He doesn't know how to discern between foe and friend, lover and fiend.

    I think it may been propagated by the fact he became disabled and lost his definition and everything else he strived for. It's apparent his achievements and sense of self-worth is defined by his appearance to a degree. Not surprising. Most people are this way; their appearances do matter and it's hard for them to accept it, it's even harder for them to accept that others can accept them as they are-- hence you.

    It seems he needs to get his life together because a part of him values you but in this very objective sense of the word. He finds you to be "a great catch" rather than an actual person. He would feel inadequate and insecure being with you if it were any other way.

    As I analyze the situation I ask myself: What is this? This is not "love". This is "obligation". Granted, he may have a lot of sincere feelings for you but they're being undermined by his insecurities. Already, he's committed himself online to dating websites. It seems like he cannot face you anymore because how he feels it would make you feel but really he's more afraid of how he would feel (e.g. incomplete).

    He reminds me of a dying cat who distances himself from his owner. He needs time to rebuild himself up again to look at you again.


    My advice.
    You're a sweet boy Aleksandr but don't beat yourself up for this man. Although I can empathize and even sympathize with him-- he feels he isn't good enough for you and feels like what he would offer to you isn't enough. He feels broken, like the world has been ripped apart and the support underneath his legs pulled away. It's a real tragedy that such things happened to him, regrettable even but... love isn't a contest. It's not about "whether I am good enough or not." If you are loved, sincerely, you are good enough. The fact he likely cannot face you means he doesn't want to be with you.

    In this distance, your trust and feelings have been severed, driven apart, and betrayed. That's why it aches. It craves for the closeliness but I don't think you'll get it. So, you should consider moving on, even if you don't want to. It'll be for the better.

    Best and Goodluck, icon_smile.gif
    -Mike



    Thank you... This is prob the best advice I've gotten all week since the break up!!! I really appreciate it!!!


    You're welcome. icon_smile.gif
  • FitGwynedd

    Posts: 1468

    Sep 03, 2012 4:28 AM GMT
    This is a really sad story. I'm so sorry you had to go through all this. But obviously your better than him, and just remember that. Is there anything specific about the situation that is upsetting you? Also, a couple of the comments are pretty insensitive and those people should be ashamed of themselves for leaving those comments.