I am really interested on the feedback for this... Family drama.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 19, 2008 6:20 PM GMT
    Some background: My youngest brother (now 18, different fathers) simply douched out on a plane ticket I bought for he and our mother to come to Europe last summer. I am moving home Christmas and bought he and my mother tickets to SC (bought his at her request this time). So, the reply I get to the ticket email was:
    Be however you want about it. Mom is in the ICU. She got in a pretty nasty car accident. She has a punctured lung and broken ribs. She also did something to her spine. Not as bad as what happened to her neck, but she's still pretty messed up.

    --- On Sun, 8/17/08, John Robison <john@12claws.com> wrote:

    From: John Robison <john@12claws.com>
    Subject: FW: HALEY A COLORADO SPRGS 20DEC08
    To: dw_aycock@yahoo.com
    Cc: "'Hal'" <pimpmy.milleniumfalcon@gmail.com>
    Date: Sunday, August 17, 2008, 1:14 PM


    Here's Haley's. It was $604. If he doesn't show up this time, I probably won't be very nice aboutit._____________________________________________

    So he reads our mom's email unbeknownst to her. No worries, I called all the hospitals in CO Springs until I found where my mother was and she actually punctured both lungs, broke ribs, and apparently broke off pieces of the edges of her spine without actually cracking through a vertebrae and paralizing herself. She's stable and I'll be flying out as soon as I can be useful.
    For the youngest brother, my first impulse is to put him in the same condition and ask him how it feels.
    My second impulse, since I have his father's email, is to write a congratulatory message on how he's succeeded in raising an absolute bag of shit while complaining about how bad I am. (parent and step parent are divorced).
    I'd love a third option, but I don't think "do nothing" will cut it this time. No hospital name, contact info, or even when the accident happened???? I havesince spoken to my mother but didn't ask about the accident time though I'm starting to suspect my brother jst let this ride since Sunday before telling me.


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    Aug 19, 2008 6:56 PM GMT
    Here is my experience, for what it is worth.

    I have two brothers. They are both much older than I am.

    The eldest is a drunk, antagonistic, and has always had a complex about me.

    When my mother had a series of strokes I moved to Texas from LA to support my father. About the same time I moved home my brother, then 40 something, was going through his 2nd or 3rd divorce and decided he would move home too.

    I moved home to support my dad, my brother moved home to save money.

    My father was going to the nursing home every day (as was I). Only thing is, he couldn't sleep at night because my brother would come home drunk and people would call him at all hours of the night.

    Eventually, my father (never one for any kind of conflict) resolved the problem by giving my brother the house and we both moved into an apartment across the street from the nursing home.

    In one year that my mother was on life support he never came once.

    Finally, at the funeral he showed up drunk. Everyone was sympathetic to him, saying how he really loved my mother and how much he was suffering.

    That was 1991, and I have never spoken to him since.

    My experience is that nothing I can do, nothing I can say, no example I can set, and no amount of love or bloodshed will change who and what my brother is. His life is in a bottle and he is the only one that can do anything about that.

    You get to decide whom you speak to, whom you buy airline tickets for, and everything else - for that matter. This sort of pain is optional.

    If I could suggest anything it would be to put the family drama on hold and focus on your mother. She needs you. Your brother will still be behaving the same way 10 years from now, there is no rush to deal with it.

    G-d speed and prayers for your mother. She, obviously, is lucky to have you as a son.

    Terry
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    Aug 19, 2008 7:11 PM GMT
    JustJohn said...I bought for he and our mother...

    ...and bought he and my mother tickets..

    I'd love a third option...

    Dont worry about your brother. Take all this pent up emotional energy and study English.

    You are an absolute turd and probably quite likeable in person.

    Have you been drinking today?



  • Laurence

    Posts: 942

    Aug 19, 2008 7:18 PM GMT
    Caslon
    Stop bitching. He's obviously upset by this incident and hasn't the time/energy to grammar-check.

    Terry and John.
    Families suck. You live your life as best you can but sometimes your Family lets you down. You can give yourself a pat on the back that you have helped out ungrateful family members. Move on and don't let their negativity bring you down. You are both stars. (ps John, I hope your mum is on the way to recovery).

    Lozx
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    Aug 19, 2008 7:41 PM GMT
    Caslon6000 said
    JustJohn said...I bought for he and our mother...

    ...and bought he and my mother tickets..

    I'd love a third option...

    Dont worry about your brother. Take all this pent up emotional energy and study English.

    You are an absolute turd and probably quite likeable in person.

    Have you been drinking today?





    Caslon, I kind of get your joke/reference because I was reading the other thread. Unfortunately a lot of people won't get it and I think you're about to get reamed. Careful man...not everyone pays as close attention as the 1000+ posters do.

    Focus on your Mom, JustJohn. The kid is noise right now. There are years ahead for things to resolve with him. My little brother checked out from 18-24 and could have alienated any or all of us if we engaged him too much. Then he became a grown-up and a family man, and we have a great relationship now. For what that single story is worth.

    I can relate to the late notice on family health issues. My Dad survived being on his deathbed in '95, but I didn't find out about it until five weeks later when he was pretty much back to normal. They just "didn't want to upset me". Whatever. Something about either being gay or being the one who moved 2000 miles away I imagine.

    EDIT: Realizing now that the brother is somewhat of an impediment to your communication on this matter, is there someone else who can provide a reliable communication link? Nurses or chaplains or someone? Another family member?
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    Aug 19, 2008 7:48 PM GMT
    Concentrate your energy on your mother. Your brother sounds like a real piece of work....distance yourself from him.
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    Aug 19, 2008 8:07 PM GMT
    The thing is, (thanks for all the affirmation) that I've had a very brief cooling off period, finished the last of my absinthe, and still appreciate Caslon inspite of the fact that I DO have an english lit degree before I pursued a second. I decided that if my mother is truly, really and truly not dying, then it would be better for me to fly home to help when she gets out of the hospital even though I'd like to be there now for emotional support. I've spoken to her and notified everyone of her condition and she seems to have a support network in place. What compounds the frustration is that I hate not having any control over a situation while I'm *stuck* here in Germany. My partner's mother died just six weeks ago, plus he's had a bad 18 months of health scares himself and I have not had the luxury of providing immediate comfort.
    The youngest brother just plain pisses me off. I've had to piece everything together and my mother's car accident was Saturday. I found out on a Tuesday after work only because he has apparently been "screening" my mother's email unbeknownst to her. Going to see mom means potentially seeing this kid and trying to contain a certain level of irrational behavior.

  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Aug 19, 2008 8:07 PM GMT
    Well sorry to hear about your mother's condition. I can imagine that you are pretty upset about the situation.

    I agree with pdxor, focus on your mother. Eliminate whatever issues you have with your brother for now, "back burner" them until later, I'd focus soley on your mother and convey the love and admiration you must have for her during the time she needs it most.

    As far as your half brother, I'd eliminate the issue, don't put yourself in a position where he can control or take advantage of you and don't do him any more favors. Don't turn it into a "drama scene" (much to your mother's chagrin), I'd just try and minimalize him from your life so he can't (and isn't allowed) to manipulate or take advantage of you.

    Best wishes.
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    Aug 19, 2008 8:16 PM GMT
    XRuggerATX saidCaslon, I kind of get your joke/reference because I was reading the other thread. Unfortunately a lot of people won't get it and I think you're about to get reamed.

    I am sure it must be a polite thing to say. There was no other reason to for JustJohn to say on the other thread. I am assuming it is one of those new expressions that younger people use and I dont know about it. Altho I did look it up on Urbandictionary, but didnt find it. Rly, I did!

    "You are an absolute turd and probably quite likeable in person." ...maybe that's like how texans can follow anything up with "bless your heart" and that makes it all right. I dont know. I am just surmising.
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    Aug 19, 2008 8:23 PM GMT
    Caslon6000 said
    I am sure it must be a polite thing to say. There was no other reason to for JustJohn to say on the other thread. I am assuming it is one of those new expressions that younger people use and I dont know about it. Altho I did look it up on Urbandictionary, but didnt find it. Rly, I did!


    Not young, sarcastic. You know, Virginny is somewhere between my regular home and my not-a-dick middle brother with his four kids. Probbaly no more than two, three days journey by horse (a VA reference, not an age one)
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    Aug 19, 2008 8:29 PM GMT
    JustJohn saidNot young, sarcastic.

    Ok. Well, then you have established that sarcastic remarks are acceptable on threads. ...and we dont even have to follow them up with "bless your heart."
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    Aug 19, 2008 8:40 PM GMT
    You really are southern...even though VA is where you have to start asking for "sweet" tea. As if there's some weird alternative.
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    Aug 19, 2008 10:08 PM GMT
    beat him and show him who's boss. It sounds like he's taking advantage of you and your mother - screening emails? WTF!
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    Aug 19, 2008 10:24 PM GMT
    Fable saidbeat him and show him who's boss. It sounds like he's taking advantage of you and your mother - screening emails? WTF!


    I like Fable's approach.
    Visit your mom first and be super nice to him if you see him there. Then wait for him outside the hospital and beat him up. He will be able to receive medical attention almost immediately if necessary icon_razz.gif
  • dcarm

    Posts: 291

    Aug 19, 2008 11:06 PM GMT
    Deal with the brother at a later date. Worry about your mother now. When everything has died down with her, level him. Or just tell mother how it was that you foud out she was in hospital... I'm sure he'd be sorry after that!
  • Barricade

    Posts: 457

    Aug 19, 2008 11:15 PM GMT
    Forget about your brother, and his father. Alot of peoples problems aren't their parents fault.(Plus he's 18, enough said) My mom and her care would be the only thing on my mind and I would have been at her side already instead of writing this.
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    Aug 19, 2008 11:29 PM GMT
    Remember, the purpose of family is to make you appreciate friends. Your friends would never create that kind of drama. Don't get sucked into the family drama. If you see it coming, step aside and let them perform.