looking for quality gay friends

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 08, 2012 5:00 AM GMT
    the story of my life lol: I moved to Toronto for work in January, after 7 years spent between undergrad near Toronto, co-op terms abroad, and a masters in Europe. I used to be a little socially awkward (still am haha) plus I was closeted, so I only made a couple close friends in undergrad. Those two waited till now to travel abroad for their masters, argh!

    My friendships with my highschool and college friends has sort of faded while I was abroad, since I hated keeping in touch long-distance and rather spend time with those I was physically with - my new friends... but now those friends aren't around, and my closeness to my other old friends have drifted to non-spontaneous once-every-2-month reunions.

    My closest friends in Toronto are my ex (whom i met at the gym) and a few of his friends (who are all gay and 3-5 years older). We hang out a lot, but when they're busy, I literally have no one, which is why I'm online on a friday night =(

    My gay friends have been really nice and all, but over the past year I'm starting to realize how entrenched they are in the slutty village crowd. I'm constantly surprised by their values, and the variety of ways they manage to justify stuff, like sex on the first date; sex with a third party while "not really dating" another; free vacations paid for and accompanied by older men who "don't expect anything in return", etc etc. Everyone I meet is somehow less than 3 degrees of separation, sexually, to my ex.

    So I'm sort of trying to get away from Church street, but I have no idea how to begin rolling in "decent" gay circles (straight ones too lol). I sort of wish I could've gotten to know my undergrad friends better, but it's probably too late now? I know they say "if it didn't work out then, it wouldn't work out now", but I'm really tempted to rekindle connections with my old classmates...
  • whytehot

    Posts: 1167

    Sep 08, 2012 5:21 AM GMT
    Yeah I have a "gay circle" here that appears to be decent, but I'm constantly "surprised", like you say, by the way some of them think. icon_neutral.gif
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    Sep 08, 2012 6:40 PM GMT
    don't get me wrong... i've hooked up and done "slutty" stuff b4, but I'd never fool myself into thinking that it's right. It's when people can convince themselves that there is nothing wrong, that I wonder what else is ok in their books...

    anyway, anyone here in Toronto part of a "clean" gay circle lol?
  • highforthis

    Posts: 681

    Sep 16, 2012 1:34 AM GMT
    I googled a similar predicament and this thread came up. The deafening silence re: "decent" "quality" gays makes me worry, heh.

    But your profile says "i generally prefer white guys, or a really hot asian =) "... isn't limiting yourself to whites in Toronto kinda like living in Spain and preferring Scandinavian lol?
  • jock8873

    Posts: 120

    Sep 16, 2012 1:43 AM GMT
    quality gay couples? I know a few good men (people I talk to in Ttown)
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    Sep 16, 2012 2:00 AM GMT
    The simplistic formula:

    Find gay guys who (1) are not your type (2) will never be into you because you're not their type (3) share similar interests.

    I have two gay friends with whom I have friendships that have been lasting more than a decade.

    Having no sexual tension does help a lot.

    "A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy." Nietzsche
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    Sep 16, 2012 6:29 AM GMT
    highforthis saidBut your profile says "i generally prefer white guys, or a really hot asian =) "... isn't limiting yourself to whites in Toronto kinda like living in Spain and preferring Scandinavian lol?


    haha, actually my white friends call me a rice queen because I dated nearly as many asians (3) as I did whites (4), but that's only because I've managed to date asians who are way hotter than me, whereas I can't find equally-hot white guys who will give me the time of day rofl
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    Sep 16, 2012 10:50 PM GMT
    mashedpotatoes said
    highforthis saidBut your profile says "i generally prefer white guys, or a really hot asian =) "... isn't limiting yourself to whites in Toronto kinda like living in Spain and preferring Scandinavian lol?


    haha, actually my white friends call me a rice queen because I dated nearly as many asians (3) as I did whites (4), but that's only because I've managed to date asians who are way hotter than me, whereas I can't find equally-hot white guys who will give me the time of day rofl


    Welcome to the world of leagues.
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    Sep 16, 2012 10:54 PM GMT
    bachian saidThe simplistic formula:

    Find gay guys who (1) are not your type (2) will never be into you because you're not their type (3) share similar interests.

    I have two gay friends with whom I have friendships that have been lasting more than a decade.

    Having no sexual tension does help a lot.

    "A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy." Nietzsche


    this is sooooo truee!!
  • Fronotoro

    Posts: 41

    Sep 16, 2012 11:44 PM GMT
    Why not just rekindle the old friendships? Go out for lunch, drinks or whatnot. That aside, decent gay people are all around. Maybe you just need to open yourself to more types of people than you'd normally approach (or let yourself be approached by).

    And yes, having no sexual tension helps loads.
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    Sep 18, 2012 12:08 AM GMT
    bachian said
    mashedpotatoes said
    highforthis saidBut your profile says "i generally prefer white guys, or a really hot asian =) "... isn't limiting yourself to whites in Toronto kinda like living in Spain and preferring Scandinavian lol?


    haha, actually my white friends call me a rice queen because I dated nearly as many asians (3) as I did whites (4), but that's only because I've managed to date asians who are way hotter than me, whereas I can't find equally-hot white guys who will give me the time of day rofl


    Welcome to the world of leagues.


    lol i don't get what this means
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    Sep 18, 2012 12:44 AM GMT
    i met my good friends from my ex... but surprisingly they aren't all slutty lol. Its all about finding a person who is very socially involved and can expand your horizons. that one person introduces you to others and then the ripple effect begins.

    I am sure your friends have friends, right?

    see if you can mingle with them.

    hope this is helpful
  • whytehot

    Posts: 1167

    Sep 18, 2012 4:01 AM GMT
    mashedpotatoes said
    highforthis saidBut your profile says "i generally prefer white guys, or a really hot asian =) "... isn't limiting yourself to whites in Toronto kinda like living in Spain and preferring Scandinavian lol?


    haha, actually my white friends call me a rice queen because I dated nearly as many asians (3) as I did whites (4), but that's only because I've managed to date asians who are way hotter than me, whereas I can't find equally-hot white guys who will give me the time of day rofl


    you must have agonizingly high standards if you only date guys who are "way hotter" than you icon_razz.gif
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    Sep 18, 2012 4:12 AM GMT
    youre cute, you shouldnt have any problems meeting new people and finding new friends
  • A_1991

    Posts: 366

    Sep 18, 2012 4:21 AM GMT
    crash20 saidyoure cute, you shouldnt have any problems meeting new people and finding new friends


    ^

    You just need to put yourself out there. Try to find one of those lgbt sports club and join a sport and find them their.
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    Sep 18, 2012 4:30 AM GMT
    ^^That's how I met my current bunch lol. I try to get to know friends of friends, but it's been a really circular, incestuous process bringing me back to the same blood or sperm lines... and distracting me with questions like "if he was a top with him, why was he a bottom with him?"

    whytehot said
    mashedpotatoes said
    highforthis saidBut your profile says "i generally prefer white guys, or a really hot asian =) "... isn't limiting yourself to whites in Toronto kinda like living in Spain and preferring Scandinavian lol?


    haha, actually my white friends call me a rice queen because I dated nearly as many asians (3) as I did whites (4), but that's only because I've managed to date asians who are way hotter than me, whereas I can't find equally-hot white guys who will give me the time of day rofl


    you must have agonizingly high standards if you only date guys who are "way hotter" than you icon_razz.gif


    My standards are a bit lower for whites ;) But enough about my profile!
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    Sep 18, 2012 4:36 AM GMT
    Perhaps you should stop worrying about who your friends are sleeping with and start concentrating on the friendship? But that wouldn't be any fun!
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    Sep 25, 2012 1:02 AM GMT
    Well as it turned out, a cute friend of a friend of mine, who's been really friendly and giving me lots of signals, has had a history of short flings that end up with asking the other guy to fist him, so i don't think it's uncool to be prudent.
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    Sep 25, 2012 1:20 AM GMT
    Toronto is a tough place to begin with. People work several jobs, they commute long distances...

    The fact that your profile only tells me that you like whites and asians is very off-putting. It does not tell me anything I want to know about you, but rather makes me feel like you cannot be that respectful. The fact that you have two degrees yet make remarks like that is troublesome and affects who you become friends in day to day interactions.

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    Sep 25, 2012 1:31 AM GMT
    I wish there were more people like you, but the fact is whenever I date outside of my race, I'm labelled as a rice queen or something. If I date a black guy, people will assume I want big dick. At least I'm respectful enough to be honest when I admit I'm mostly a product of the times and social pressure, as opposed to the many I've noticed on these forums who sweep their prejudices under the rug and call it "preferences". I have friends who claim to be open to all races, but simply raise the standard for certain races. I found that it was actually easier when I was in Europe, to date outside my race and not be judged.

    Actually I think that guy on the other thread is totally spot on when he says gays are worse than straights when it comes to race
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Sep 25, 2012 1:41 AM GMT
    mashedpotatoes saidthe story of my life lol: I moved to Toronto for work in January, after 7 years spent between undergrad near Toronto, co-op terms abroad, and a masters in Europe. I used to be a little socially awkward (still am haha) plus I was closeted, so I only made a couple close friends in undergrad. Those two waited till now to travel abroad for their masters, argh!

    My friendships with my highschool and college friends has sort of faded while I was abroad, since I hated keeping in touch long-distance and rather spend time with those I was physically with - my new friends... but now those friends aren't around, and my closeness to my other old friends have drifted to non-spontaneous once-every-2-month reunions.

    My closest friends in Toronto are my ex (whom i met at the gym) and a few of his friends (who are all gay and 3-5 years older). We hang out a lot, but when they're busy, I literally have no one, which is why I'm online on a friday night =(

    My gay friends have been really nice and all, but over the past year I'm starting to realize how entrenched they are in the slutty village crowd. I'm constantly surprised by their values, and the variety of ways they manage to justify stuff, like sex on the first date; sex with a third party while "not really dating" another; free vacations paid for and accompanied by older men who "don't expect anything in return", etc etc. Everyone I meet is somehow less than 3 degrees of separation, sexually, to my ex.

    So I'm sort of trying to get away from Church street, but I have no idea how to begin rolling in "decent" gay circles (straight ones too lol). I sort of wish I could've gotten to know my undergrad friends better, but it's probably too late now? I know they say "if it didn't work out then, it wouldn't work out now", but I'm really tempted to rekindle connections with my old classmates...
    wow, you are very judgmental for someone who is supposed to be friends with someone. now i see why you have no friends. i mean you sound like a prude and i should know. ha ha ha
  • highforthis

    Posts: 681

    Sep 25, 2012 1:58 AM GMT
    mashedpotatoes saidI wish there were more people like you, but the fact is whenever I date outside of my race, I'm labelled as a rice queen or something. If I date a black guy, people will assume I want big dick. At least I'm respectful enough to be honest when I admit I'm mostly a product of the times and social pressure, as opposed to the many I've noticed on these forums who sweep their prejudices under the rug and call it "preferences". I have friends who claim to be open to all races, but simply raise the standard for certain races. I found that it was actually easier when I was in Europe, to date outside my race and not be judged.

    Actually I think that guy on the other thread is totally spot on when he says gays are worse than straights when it comes to race


    It's actually so bad that I heard about a bisexual acquaintance who went back to girls when he realized he could do so much better as a straight asian lol.

    I PMed you btw! And I don't roll in any dirty gay circles as I'm newly returned to Toronto too!
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    Sep 25, 2012 2:01 AM GMT
    *sigh* This takes me back when I lived in Toronto.
    I had a pretty solid gay group of friends. We didn't hang out ALL the time. In fact I saw a few of them only every other week. We all knew each other and would talk about who we met up with the week before, but we really were not joined at the hip. The truth is we were all really busy, either with a job, in a social planning group, or just really busy with school.

    I think what made us all unique is how we didn't really want anything from each other.

    My best friend Karl and I met at my first gay bar, and he was the only one who didn't try to take me home that night. Slowly I met more people and brought others into this little social group of different races, cultures and intellect. The only person I dated in the group was a friend from New Zealand who came to Toronto to do his Phd. I brought him into the group and we are still very good friends.

    And now we are all spread around Canada and the world. One friend in PR is moving to London permanently, he was just in Australia the year before. Karl is doing him residency in BC, my ex (a lawyer) still lives in Toronto with his Engineer bf whom I'm also friends with. There are other great people in this group all doing great things with their lives. I'm an engineer and live in Ottawa where I now call home. I have new friends, but my Toronto friends will always be my group of quality gay friends.

    I'd like to say I didn't choose my friends; they chose me. Not saying we are perfect (we've all had our slut phases), but we never tried sleeping with each other (except my ex because he was my ex). My bf doesn't like having gay friends because he doesn't like the drama of gay friends sleeping with friends. He love my group of gay friends because we can all have fun without playing the games of trying to steal someone else's man, or some crazy crap like that.
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    Sep 25, 2012 2:06 AM GMT
    simple_collision said*sigh* This takes me back when I lived in Toronto.
    I had a pretty solid gay group of friends. We didn't hang out ALL the time. In fact I saw a few of them only every other week. We all knew each other and would talk about who we met up with the week before, but we really were not joined at the hip. The truth is we were all really busy, either with a job, in a social planning group, or just really busy with school.

    I think what made us all unique is how we didn't really want anything from each other.

    My best friend Karl and I met at my first gay bar, and he was the only one who didn't try to take me home that night. Slowly I met more people and brought others into this little social group of different races, cultures and intellect. The only person I dated in the group was a friend from New Zealand who came to Toronto to do his Phd. I brought him into the group and we are still very good friends.

    And now we are all spread around Canada and the world. One friend in PR is moving to London permanently, he was just in Australia the year before. Karl is doing him residency in BC, my ex (a lawyer) still lives in Toronto with his Engineer bf whom I'm also friends with. There are other great people in this group all doing great things with their lives. I'm an engineer and live in Ottawa where I now call home. I have new friends, but my Toronto friends will always be my group of quality gay friends.

    I'd like to say I didn't choose my friends; they chose me. Not saying we are perfect (we've all had our slut phases), but we never tried sleeping with each other (except my ex because he was my ex). My bf doesn't like having gay friends because he doesn't like the drama of gay friends sleeping with friends. He love my group of gay friends because we can all have fun without playing the games of trying to steal someone else's man, or some crazy crap like that.


    I dont see my name mentioned here dickhead icon_razz.gif
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    Sep 25, 2012 2:09 AM GMT
    I didn't want to publicly out you as part of my circle icon_razz.gif
    But yes Nitin was part of it too icon_razz.gif
    Even took him to his first gay club and gave him his first gay dance which we handled VERY well, lol

    Satisfied?