Likes you, wants to be your friend, screw you, but "would never date you"?

  • AC521

    Posts: 10

    Sep 08, 2012 8:03 PM GMT
    I would appreciate some input. Sorry for the long windedness...

    So I very recently met this guy and we really hit it off. I am not his type (according to his info), but we definitely clicked, he found me attractive and liked me.

    Last night he invited me to tag along with him and his best friend (a girl). It went really well. We all had a great time. I could tell his friend really liked me too, and was giving him the thumbs up sign the whole time, etc.

    Along with the usual, Im handsome, nice, funny, cute, cool, smart, etc etc, this guy has also said things like "I cant believe I like a 24 year old" (He is 29, and supposedly only likes older), "You are too damn funny, and that is the best way in with me". He jokes around a lot, and I do too, and he said something about me being just a fun, "funny trick". And I said "Well I guess that rules out dinner then!" and he responded "We hung out for 4 hours until the sun came up. I think you know where you stand with me. :-)"...

    So last night we parted ways with his friend, went back to his place,and he screwed me. After a back and forth about me spending the night (he had been joking about me not spending the night all night, or kinda joking maybe), he told me to stay. So we are post sex cuddling and he tells me "You know I would never date you".

    This threw me through a loop. My instinct was to be insulted, feel rejected, and get the hell out of there-- which is exactly what I did. We talked about it for a few minutes and then I left, didnt hug him or anything. His reasoning was that he dated a guy who said he was bisexual for years and would never do it again. When people ask me, I say that I am bisexual. But I dont advertise it. I feel like that is a really bizarre excuse. If you like me, and Im so funny, cute, handsome, nice, and smart, etc, why would me being bi be a deal breaker?

    I am not seeking a boyfriend or anything serious, but for someone I have hit it off with, and see potential with to tell me that was kinda a buzz kill. I have been a hot piece of ass for many years now. I deserve more than that.

    So my questions are-- what would you do in this situation? Keep hanging out with this guy or cut it off and walk away? Did I overreact or was that shitty on his part?

    Thank you!
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Sep 08, 2012 9:44 PM GMT
    You're researching for fiction, right?
  • stratavos

    Posts: 1831

    Sep 08, 2012 9:48 PM GMT
    it's tough. I've had the 'you say your bi, so you can only be a friend" thrown at me too. More or less it's being smacked with a generalized label. if you did have a great time other than that part, then put your wounded pride aside and try to arrange another "hang out" (sex not required).

    It's a lot of effort if you want to be an exception, or change a definition, but if they decide to get to know you, not this label that they've got a misplaced definition on, then you've got some good times ahead.

    (most of the time it's not worth pursuing though, since they've already got their mind "made up")
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 08, 2012 9:52 PM GMT
    I ADORE FIRST POST NOVELLAS!!!

    icon_lol.gif

    don mak me mis my tella novella, bitch, i cut you!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 08, 2012 10:29 PM GMT
    He's clearly not the most adept communicator, and this was likely exacerbated by the fact that you established only a 'joking' tone. Some people don't understand that sometimes they need to switch modes when discussing more serious topics.

    In this case, it sounds like he liked you a great deal, and was trying to bring up the topic of dating without presenting an opportunity for you to reject him, or for it to be awkward. Look at your own language - you say you aren't looking for someone to date.

    He was clueless, granted, but I bet he was trying to start with a "no" to get to a "yes". He doesn't want to fall into the trap of emotionally investing in a bisexual guy who "isn't looking to date".

    So give it time. Spend a few more dates, or whatever you have to call them in your head, with this guy. After a few more, have a conversation about dating.

    And stop being such sad, balless wonders, the both of you. Be honest about how you're feeling and what you want, like grown men, without having to throw tantrums.
  • AC521

    Posts: 10

    Sep 09, 2012 2:33 AM GMT
    Thank you to the two helpful answers. To the two other responses-- thanks for nothing!

    Well he is now mad at me that I reacted negatively... Which is strange to me. Idk how else I could've reacted? "We just fucked again, you're awesome, but id never date you" "Ok, thanks so much!" I could've played it cooler, but I didnt want to spend the night anymore. I felt weird, so I left.

    I think its a lost cause at this point.

    I could've waited, see where things go, but why should I have to wait? If someone says they are never going to date me, that sounds pretty final, despite all the signs that they are interested on SOME level more than sex.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 09, 2012 3:38 AM GMT
    He just wanted to fuck you, plain and simple. There tons of guys like that. If you are so hot, like you say, then you should have run into players like him before. Don't take it personally....he is single for a reason.
  • booboolv

    Posts: 203

    Sep 09, 2012 4:11 AM GMT
    So he wanted to fuck you. You wanted it too, right? So drop by every now and then, get your prostate massaged and go home. There's nothing wrong with that. If you want to make it more, as in a relationship, then you've already learned this isn't the guy. He is interested in fucking you. You must be pretty good, so take what you can get until you can get what you want.
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    Sep 09, 2012 4:16 AM GMT
    AC521 saidThank you to the two helpful answers. To the two other responses-- thanks for nothing!

    Well he is now mad at me that I reacted negatively... Which is strange to me. Idk how else I could've reacted? "We just fucked again, you're awesome, but id never date you" "Ok, thanks so much!" I could've played it cooler, but I didnt want to spend the night anymore. I felt weird, so I left.

    I think its a lost cause at this point.

    I could've waited, see where things go, but why should I have to wait? If someone says they are never going to date me, that sounds pretty final, despite all the signs that they are interested on SOME level more than sex.



    So when do I get to see your post lamenting that you don't have a boyfriend, and that you're lonely?

    Take this advice to the bank: take him out to lunch or dinner, just to meet and talk it over. Explain how you feel. See if he feels the same. It's worth the cost of a meal to figure out if this 'great guy' who you already had sex with - twice - is someone that you maybe could date.

    Then again, if you can't be anything other than one-way, you're better off continuing to pout and saving yourself the trouble. Relationships require a little willingness to bridge divides, and it sounds like you're more intent on being egocentrifugal. If everyone broke up over insensitive comments, there would be no couples.
  • AC521

    Posts: 10

    Sep 09, 2012 7:13 AM GMT
    principal... I think you didnt read very carefully here. The guy told me "I WOULD NEVER DATE YOU"... What is there to explain, work on, bridge, or talk about? We already talked that night.

    I appreciate your attempt at giving advice, but save the sarcastic attempt at wit for someone else. Not helpful. Thanks.
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    Sep 09, 2012 7:18 AM GMT
    AC521 saidprincipal... I think you didnt read very carefully. The guy told me "I would never date you"... What is there to explain, work on, bridge, or talk about? We already talked that night.

    I appreciate your attempt at giving advice, but save the sarcastic attempt at wit for someone else. Not helpful. Thanks.


    Well clearly you have it all figured out. The best of luck to you.
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    Sep 09, 2012 7:36 AM GMT
    principal0 said
    AC521 saidprincipal... I think you didnt read very carefully. The guy told me "I would never date you"... What is there to explain, work on, bridge, or talk about? We already talked that night.

    I appreciate your attempt at giving advice, but save the sarcastic attempt at wit for someone else. Not helpful. Thanks.

    Well clearly you have it all figured out. The best of luck to you.

    Or perhaps, say rather that he thinks he has US all figured out. I'm always amazed by first posts like this, and more than a little dubious.

    But for those who might actually find themselves in a similar position, I'll offer this: if you tell a gay man you're bi, expect a similar response.

    Most of us want a man who's gay, through and through. Not a guy who may drop us for a woman at a moment's notice. I would never date a bi, because I'd know I was not only competing with other men to keep him, but with women, too. One day he's gay with me, the next day he's straight with a woman. And if he likes what a woman offers I'm not built to compete with that.

    It's fine to be bisexual, I don't dispute that's a valid orientation. It's just not what I want in my gay life, and I believe many other gay men would say the same thing.

    Assuming, of course, that this other guy is actually gay himself. Perhaps the reason he won't date the OP has nothing to do with the OP, but with the fact that he's bisexual himself, or not out, or merely a curious straight. I learned a long time ago not to get involved with guys who aren't fully out and proud. Otherwise you're just inviting complications, confusion and conflicts that you probably don't want.
  • AC521

    Posts: 10

    Sep 09, 2012 7:45 AM GMT
    Yourname, I am taking all you said to heart. Thank you for your insight. I appreciate it! I think this was a lesson learned.

    And to who ever else-- this isnt my first post... I have had an account on here before.

    Art-deco, interesting way of responding... Helpful, but attacking. Anyway, I do appreciate you giving me insight into the gay, anti-bisexual mind frame. (I am not being sarcastic). I dont understand why people are so insecure though. If a person cares for you and wants to be with you, why does it matter if they are gay, bi, straight, asexual, whatever? If someone wants to cheat they will cheat, I dont think that changes anything. But I do hear what you are saying, and I see your point. I just cant apply it to my own self, because I wouldnt think like that.

    I think its a stigma that bisexual people can not escape. You are not accepted on either side! The main stream world puts you with the gays, and the gays dont want you because they think you are a sell out. Cant win for losing!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 09, 2012 7:47 AM GMT
    I would move on. So many guys are like that. You will be in a power struggle for ages with this guy.

    Move on and find guys who are mature, and don't play games . If he's like this NOW, imagine what it will be like later on

    Save yourself the heartache . Seriously . Anyone that demands that much hard work is a waste of time
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 09, 2012 7:58 AM GMT
    AC521 saidYourname, I am taking all you said to heart. Thank you for your insight. I appreciate it! I think this was a lesson learned.

    And to who ever else-- this isnt my first post... I have had an account on here before.

    Art-deco, interesting way of responding... Helpful, but attacking. Anyway, I do appreciate you giving me insight into the gay, anti-bisexual mind frame. (I am not being sarcastic). I dont understand why people are so insecure though. If a person cares for you and wants to be with you, why does it matter if they are gay, bi, straight, asexual, whatever? If someone wants to cheat they will cheat, I dont think that changes anything. But I do hear what you are saying, and I see your point. I just cant apply it to my own self, because I wouldnt think like that.

    I think its a stigma that bisexual people can not escape. You are not accepted on either side! The main stream world puts you with the gays, and the gays dont want you because they think you are a sell out. Cant win for losing!

    I've had a number of bisexuals as my friends, I don't dislike them. Hell, about the only people I reflexively dislike are child molesters and Republicans.

    But the issue here is dating. And no, I would never have dated a bi when I was single, a waste of my time. I understand your point that a cheat will cheat on you, regardless of orientation. I've had some gay men cheat on me, so no argument there.

    But as I posted above, with a bi I've gotta anticipate he'll be looking at both men AND at women, and that's more competition than this slightly insecure gay can manage. I can't offer him the physical attractions a woman can, and so I'm at a complete disadvantage when his straight side kicks in.

    It's bad enough I have to keep the other guys off him, but how do I ward off the women? That's more complication than I want. And also a matter of what HE wants, and deserves. When his straight side calls him I wouldn't want to interfere with that. But it also leaves no place for me, with no permanence and no security. That's not the deal I want in an LTR, or even dating.
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    Sep 09, 2012 7:58 AM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    principal0 said
    AC521 saidprincipal... I think you didnt read very carefully. The guy told me "I would never date you"... What is there to explain, work on, bridge, or talk about? We already talked that night.

    I appreciate your attempt at giving advice, but save the sarcastic attempt at wit for someone else. Not helpful. Thanks.

    Well clearly you have it all figured out. The best of luck to you.

    Or perhaps, say rather that he thinks he has US all figured out. I'm always amazed by first posts like this, and more than a little dubious.


    Tell me about it. I can't fathom why he's not being perceived as dating material.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 09, 2012 8:00 AM GMT
    Well you say you don't want a boyfriend or anything serious but you are offended that he said he would never date you.
    maybe he picked up that kind of a vibe from you and is just happy being good friends with benefits.

    I'm not trying to be nasty or anything I swear, but just thought to ask.
    Are you offended because you're not an 'option' for him?
    Do you feel that you've been prejudiced or is it mostly just an ego hit?

    I think this should get another talk if you want things clarified. I mean there could be a legitimate explanation why he feels that way which might help put things into perspective.
    Not that I'm trying to justify him or anything, it's just that sometimes bad experiences can lead you to a certain mindset.

    Anyway did not mean to offend you in any way at all honestly and wish you all the best mate.
  • chgobuzz1

    Posts: 155

    Sep 09, 2012 8:12 AM GMT
    Dont worry in a few years you will be more secure and no longer hide under the Bi label.
  • AC521

    Posts: 10

    Sep 09, 2012 8:51 AM GMT
    Thank you for all the good input.

    To the angry gay who keeps posting rude comments-- why keep adding to a thread if it the thread and the poster are so beneath your wisdom and guidance. Stop wasting your time then!

    chgo-- its so interesting to me that homos can be so ignorant and judgemental. you would think of all people, you, as a gay guy, would be accepting and supportive of others!

    BRoss-- you posed some great questions, and not offensive at all! Thank you for your help and kind words. (Not sure why others post things just to be mean). Now that I think about it.. Yes, it is insulting that I am not on option for him. Yes, it is a blow to the ego. Yes, I feel prejudiced. But also, despite not LOOKING for anything serious, I thought that maybe this could lead some where down the road. Its nice to meet someone and think "Ah, maybe this could go some where!"... No expectations, but open to all possibilities. Thats what I was thinking I guess.

    He actually just texted me and then called me... We talked for a few mins. He apologized if I felt he led me on, he feels bad, but he just wants to fuck me and be friends, and nothing more. (I think emphasis on the fucking part). I told him I dont want to be a booty call, dont want to feel used, but I did like him and might be willing to try being friends, not necessarily with sex... I need to sleep on it. My instinct tells me to just drop the whole thing.

    He wanted me to come over tonight. I said No.
  • AC521

    Posts: 10

    Sep 09, 2012 9:06 AM GMT
    MuchMore-- I really appreciate that. I think you are right. Thats exactly how I felt initially. That was my instinct... But I didnt know if I was being overly sensitive or overreacting.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 09, 2012 9:08 AM GMT
    Boland? Is this about your roommate again?

    (so confused)

    icon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 09, 2012 9:12 AM GMT
    ConQuest saidBoland? Is this about your roommate again?

    (so confused)

    icon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gif

    LMAO!!!
  • AC521

    Posts: 10

    Sep 09, 2012 9:55 AM GMT
    Well I declined the guys offer to come over and sleep with him, and he quickly become aggressive and mean... So this case is now closed!

    This guy is obviously a jerk and a bit crazy. Calling me names and such because I wont come over and get fucked...

    I appreciate all the input. This makes it a hell of a lot easier now! I definitely dodged a bullet here!
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    Sep 09, 2012 12:28 PM GMT
    It sounds like he's "interviewing" you for the position of his bf. He wants to treat you like one, but won't call you it by name or stop dating other people. You deserve better dude. I say walk.
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    Sep 09, 2012 3:18 PM GMT
    AC521 saidWell I declined the guys offer to come over and sleep with him, and he quickly become aggressive and mean... So this case is now closed!
    This guy is obviously a jerk and a bit crazy. Calling me names and such because I wont come over and get fucked...
    I appreciate all the input. This makes it a hell of a lot easier now! I definitely dodged a bullet here!


    Wow well even though he turned out to be a jerk, at least in a sense this predicament solved itself.
    You definitely did dodge a bullet and I see what you meant by not looking specifically but were open to it leading there, unfortunately he turned out to be a jerk.

    It's crazy how something that looks so great from the beginning becomes like this in such a short amount of time.
    Better now than later though, so cheers to you and moving on to better things icon_biggrin.gif