I agree with everything YN says. Please find a way to learn to value yourself, whether it is through a support group at your local LGBT center, or even a good therapist if you have access to one.
And I agree, NO BAREBACKING. HIV is just a virus, it is not moral judgment, nor is it an end of the line for almost anyone any more. But it's still quite serious, and you'll be better off if you don't contract it. Please think enough of yourself to take basic precautions.
There are a lot of resources available to you in Baltimore. Here is one that looks like it could be good for you.http://www.heartsandears.org/
"Hearts & Ears, Inc. is a non-profit organization for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender and Questioning individuals with mental health issues and concerns. We warmly welcome all sexual and gender minorities. People who are dually stigmatized can have a difficult time finding full acceptance from others. Hearts & Ears aims to be a community where GLBTQ persons can feel safe, supported, and welcomed. . . . .We offer a drop in center open 20 hours a week as well as weekly support groups which address addictions, mental health and general concerns. Groups are confidential and are facilitated by caring and supportive members with knowledge of the struggles GLBTQ persons with mental illness face....
Hearts & Ears maintains a "warmline" which is not an emergeny crisis line. You are welcome to call us at 410-523-1694 when we are open. If we are not available, leave a message and we will get back to you as quickly as we can. If you need to talk with a hotline call Baltimore Crisis Responsce, Inc, a multi-service crisis intervention center providing 24-hour crisis intervention services, shelter, transitional housing, and community education. Crisis intervention program services are available to anyone in need 24-hours a day, 7 days a week. Call 410-433-5175 or 410-433-5255."
Hugs and best of luck.
yourname2000 saidQuit worrying about being an ugly (straight) duckling....you're a beautiful (gay) swan.
Don't judge yourself on whatever standards you see used for breeder boys....you're not one. I bet measured by the (often higher) standards of being a gay man, you're stellar. Be proud....if you can't sing your praises, who do you expect will? --if you can't see yourself as lovable, how will anyone else?
This is a great place (RJ, that is) to see how other gay guys see themselves, so I hope others chime in. I can tell you, that I'm not second to anyone in this world....I've lived long enough to see that the standards by which I live my life (integrity, honesty, hard work, collectivism) are beyond those of many men I've otherwise respected --and even idolized--have been able to reach.
If you measure your worth on your ability to sexually satisfy a woman, you will certainly be a failure. But if you're being the best gay man God gave you skills to be, who on Earth could dare to fault you?
This problem is in your head.....and that's where the solution is. Once you find and flip that switch, these meaningless worries will be a distant memory.
Polonius in Shakespeare's Hamlet said...to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man
Separate from all of that, regarding the barebacking: stop that. Nothing wreaks of low self-esteem more than that. How can you expect someone to respect you if you don't respect yourself? --and believe me, when you meet a quality guy, if he finds out you're willing to bareback with him, he'll be outta there like a bullet....how will that make you feel? Stop it....it never happens again. Period.