How to gain control over feelings of shame and embarrassment

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    Sep 12, 2012 5:23 AM GMT
    How do I gain control over these feelings? It's been a year since I came out to my friends (parents still don't know) and it's still SO HARD to talk about. I change the subject quickly if it comes up with them and I feel just embarrassed and ashamed of it.

    I KNOW it's not a bad thing. I don't sit here and lament over being gay because it doesn't matter. But I can't just flip a switch and not feel embarrassed and ashamed when people find out or when people wanna talk about it.

    I also have gone down on three guys and swallowed, and even had like 30 seconds of unprotected sex with a guy two days ago. I wanna get tested for HIV but I am so afraid to. I feel like me getting HIV would just be fitting to my life. It'd fit perfectly as a tragic story and how it all ends.

    I feel like such a hypocrite and a fool for not being safe. Why am I so willing to just be with guys I literally met a few minutes prior...

    I'm 20 years old and i'm just so over all this.
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    Sep 12, 2012 9:48 AM GMT
    Op... I think you might be overloading yourself!...One way to gain control over those feelings would be talk about them. So maybe you are not able to have a heart to heart with your parents at this time..but an understanding friendly set of ears could really help you.

    The best thing for you would be a support group..A group of men in your exact position.

    ..With all due respect I think you are stock-piling issues and not dealing with them properly because you are still trying to figure out how!.. Think these things through!

    You are 20 years old … You have to admit to yourself it will take time to get a grip on things!
    OP..are you the type to internalize things? You have to change this..it’s not helping!
    Please… Get Tested…Seek Support/Counseling…Get a Journal!<--- It really helps!

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    Sep 12, 2012 2:01 PM GMT
    TheOmegaMan saidHow do I gain control over these feelings? It's been a year since I came out to my friends (parents still don't know) and it's still SO HARD to talk about. I change the subject quickly if it comes up with them and I feel just embarrassed and ashamed of it.

    I KNOW it's not a bad thing. I don't sit here and lament over being gay because it doesn't matter. But I can't just flip a switch and not feel embarrassed and ashamed when people find out or when people wanna talk about it.

    I also have gone down on three guys and swallowed, and even had like 30 seconds of unprotected sex with a guy two days ago. I wanna get tested for HIV but I am so afraid to. I feel like me getting HIV would just be fitting to my life. It'd fit perfectly as a tragic story and how it all ends.

    I feel like such a hypocrite and a fool for not being safe. Why am I so willing to just be with guys I literally met a few minutes prior...

    I'm 20 years old and i'm just so over all this.


    Dude.. you honestly dont think that you deserve HIV just because you're gay? Cause when you say it would be fitting, thats the vibe I get.

    Get tested, 100s of 1000's of guys do, you dont have to say you had buttsex, you dont have to say you swallowed, just that you want to be tested for HIV (and since we're there already Chlamydia, Hep, Gon and Syph.)

    Sounds like you've got a need for expressing your sexuality by having sex, nothing new, been there done that myself. Nothing too hypocritical about that, foolish for not having safer sex, yes, but hey - it happens.

    Get tested, put your mind at ease, and get over the shame, you wont be the first or last guy to feel it, but in all honesty, you're the way you are for a long time mate, shame and embarrasment gets very old after not so long..

    *Hugs*
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    Sep 12, 2012 2:10 PM GMT
    I agree with everything YN says. Please find a way to learn to value yourself, whether it is through a support group at your local LGBT center, or even a good therapist if you have access to one.

    And I agree, NO BAREBACKING. HIV is just a virus, it is not moral judgment, nor is it an end of the line for almost anyone any more. But it's still quite serious, and you'll be better off if you don't contract it. Please think enough of yourself to take basic precautions.

    There are a lot of resources available to you in Baltimore. Here is one that looks like it could be good for you.

    http://www.heartsandears.org/

    "Hearts & Ears, Inc. is a non-profit organization for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender and Questioning individuals with mental health issues and concerns. We warmly welcome all sexual and gender minorities. People who are dually stigmatized can have a difficult time finding full acceptance from others. Hearts & Ears aims to be a community where GLBTQ persons can feel safe, supported, and welcomed. . . . .We offer a drop in center open 20 hours a week as well as weekly support groups which address addictions, mental health and general concerns. Groups are confidential and are facilitated by caring and supportive members with knowledge of the struggles GLBTQ persons with mental illness face....
    Hearts & Ears maintains a "warmline" which is not an emergeny crisis line. You are welcome to call us at 410-523-1694 when we are open. If we are not available, leave a message and we will get back to you as quickly as we can. If you need to talk with a hotline call Baltimore Crisis Responsce, Inc, a multi-service crisis intervention center providing 24-hour crisis intervention services, shelter, transitional housing, and community education. Crisis intervention program services are available to anyone in need 24-hours a day, 7 days a week. Call 410-433-5175 or 410-433-5255."

    Hugs and best of luck.

    yourname2000 saidQuit worrying about being an ugly (straight) duckling....you're a beautiful (gay) swan. icon_wink.gif

    Don't judge yourself on whatever standards you see used for breeder boys....you're not one. I bet measured by the (often higher) standards of being a gay man, you're stellar. Be proud....if you can't sing your praises, who do you expect will? --if you can't see yourself as lovable, how will anyone else?

    This is a great place (RJ, that is) to see how other gay guys see themselves, so I hope others chime in. I can tell you, that I'm not second to anyone in this world....I've lived long enough to see that the standards by which I live my life (integrity, honesty, hard work, collectivism) are beyond those of many men I've otherwise respected --and even idolized--have been able to reach.

    If you measure your worth on your ability to sexually satisfy a woman, you will certainly be a failure. But if you're being the best gay man God gave you skills to be, who on Earth could dare to fault you?

    This problem is in your head.....and that's where the solution is. Once you find and flip that switch, these meaningless worries will be a distant memory.

    Polonius in Shakespeare's Hamlet said...to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man



    Separate from all of that, regarding the barebacking: stop that. Nothing wreaks of low self-esteem more than that. How can you expect someone to respect you if you don't respect yourself? --and believe me, when you meet a quality guy, if he finds out you're willing to bareback with him, he'll be outta there like a bullet....how will that make you feel? icon_confused.gif Stop it....it never happens again. Period.
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    Sep 12, 2012 2:17 PM GMT
    We're with Yourname on this. Great post worth re-reading a few times.

    Here on RJ there are others your age (if that helps you identify better) that have gone through or are going through similar growing pains, so you're not alone. There are also those of us with willing ears and virtual shoulders you can bounce your doubts and concerns off of, and have heart to heart talks with.

    Now how cool is that? icon_wink.gif

    a hug,

    -Doug of meninlove
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    Sep 12, 2012 2:51 PM GMT
    yourname2000If you measure your worth on your ability to sexually satisfy a woman, you will certainly be a failure. But if you're being the best gay man God gave you skills to be, who on Earth could dare to fault you?


    Those were some pretty powerful words by Mr.yourname2000!

    absolute!

    Take a deep breath OP icon_wink.gif
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    Sep 12, 2012 5:02 PM GMT
    TheOmegaMan saidI feel like such a hypocrite and a fool for not being safe. Why am I so willing to just be with guys I literally met a few minutes prior...


    I think this is the crux of your issues. You can be excused for being horny--you're 20 after all--but it sounds like the snap hookups are like comfort food for you. It doesn't sound like you're thinking of the hookup as a person, nor do you sound like you expect to live for several more decades.

    Are you enrolled in school? For gosh sakes, make plans for the future. Knowing that you have one will give you plenty of motivation to stay safe, meet long-lasting friends and accept your identity.
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    Sep 13, 2012 2:06 PM GMT
    Yeah i'm a junior in college. I have plans for the future but at the same time they seem like they're just unattainable thoughts because who really can plan their own future? Too many factors
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    Sep 13, 2012 2:25 PM GMT
    everybody hurts...
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    Sep 13, 2012 2:53 PM GMT
    TheOmegaMan saidYeah i'm a junior in college. I have plans for the future but at the same time they seem like they're just unattainable thoughts because who really can plan their own future? Too many factors


    Heres the thing.. we dont plan every detail, we dont calculate every outcome. You try and you'll suffer "paralysis by analysis"

    Aim in a general direction, make course corrections as you need to, broad ones, no need to have fine detail in the beginning.. as you get closer to your goals, assess more and start to focus on the finer points.

    PS. Youre in Junior college - you should be having fun.. do that, but keep the big picture in mind too
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    Sep 13, 2012 3:16 PM GMT
    TheOmegaMan saidYeah i'm a junior in college. I have plans for the future but at the same time they seem like they're just unattainable thoughts because who really can plan their own future? Too many factors

    If you don't plan, then you are planning to fail.

    Going at things without a plan is leaving things to chance. Thats called 'playing the lottery'.

    Nothing goes 100% according to any plan. You will need to make changes as you execute the plan. But if you find that you are making too many changes and the goal of your plan isn't being achieved, then you need to re-evaluate the plan and your planning skills.
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    Sep 13, 2012 3:28 PM GMT
    sc69 said
    TheOmegaMan saidHow do I gain control over these feelings? It's been a year since I came out to my friends (parents still don't know) and it's still SO HARD to talk about. I change the subject quickly if it comes up with them and I feel just embarrassed and ashamed of it.

    I KNOW it's not a bad thing. I don't sit here and lament over being gay because it doesn't matter. But I can't just flip a switch and not feel embarrassed and ashamed when people find out or when people wanna talk about it.

    I also have gone down on three guys and swallowed, and even had like 30 seconds of unprotected sex with a guy two days ago. I wanna get tested for HIV but I am so afraid to. I feel like me getting HIV would just be fitting to my life. It'd fit perfectly as a tragic story and how it all ends.

    I feel like such a hypocrite and a fool for not being safe. Why am I so willing to just be with guys I literally met a few minutes prior...

    I'm 20 years old and i'm just so over all this.


    Dude.. you honestly dont think that you deserve HIV just because you're gay? Cause when you say it would be fitting, thats the vibe I get.

    Get tested, 100s of 1000's of guys do, you dont have to say you had buttsex, you dont have to say you swallowed, just that you want to be tested for HIV (and since we're there already Chlamydia, Hep, Gon and Syph.)

    Sounds like you've got a need for expressing your sexuality by having sex, nothing new, been there done that myself. Nothing too hypocritical about that, foolish for not having safer sex, yes, but hey - it happens.

    Get tested, put your mind at ease, and get over the shame, you wont be the first or last guy to feel it, but in all honesty, you're the way you are for a long time mate, shame and embarrasment gets very old after not so long..

    *Hugs*


    Hey SC Obviously lots of this going on here hey?
    I was telling SC earlier that I cant believe the number of gay guys in Perth that want BB, and how they are giving me grief on my squirt profile for being so to the point.

    Bare back is so not worth it if you are single, not just HIV but all the other STI's.