Struggling with being gay

  • Nayro

    Posts: 1825

    Sep 12, 2012 10:42 PM GMT
    So as some of you know I have some trouble with accepting I'm gay. As many of you may recognize because you are in/went through the same fase.

    From my psychology education I started thinking about why I was struggling with this so much.

    - Do I dislike gays? no
    - Does my environment/family dislike gays? no
    - Is it ok for other people to be gay? yes
    - Is it ok for me to be gay?.... no

    So basically Im giving my self opposite signals. Im saying to myself I'm fine with gay people, my environment is fine with gay people, I think its ok to be gay, but still I dont think its ok for ME to be gay. I think this falls back to the cognitive dissonance theory, where your ideal image/wish of a situation is something different from what you do. This distance between the ideal situation and me (not) acting on it makes it hard for me. It can lead to a lot of stress, unless you make excuses for yourself. Which is what I do. Otherwise the stress would be unbearable.

    So my question to you guys is:

    1. Does anyone recognize this specific feeling?
    2. Why can't I get my head around the fact that it is also ok for ME to be gay. If I think rationally about what I just said it makes me feel stupid cause what I say and what I feel are two different things...

    I hope you understand what Im trying to get across.icon_confused.gif
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Sep 12, 2012 11:03 PM GMT
    maybe you're not gay ... maybe you're A-sexual
  • booboolv

    Posts: 203

    Sep 12, 2012 11:14 PM GMT
    Embrace your identity. Be a whole person and learn to love yourself (easier said than done for some - myself included).

    I might add, having studied psychology some myself (not as a major, so you probably know more about it than I do), don't self-diagnose. Talk to someone; a school counselor, ask for an appointment with one of your professors, or some other option to talk it out and get some perspective.

    I hope the best for you!
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    Sep 12, 2012 11:17 PM GMT
    The reasons for not wanting to be gay don't have to be a direct dislike of homosexuality. For example, in some families and cultures, having children is considered an extremely high priority. In that case, you might not have a problem with someone else being gay because it doesn't directly effect you, but you might feel that being gay yourself is a problem because you may not have children of your own.
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    Sep 12, 2012 11:41 PM GMT
    You haven't fully accepted yourself yet. It takes time. I didn't come out until I was 32. It's a long road that all of us travel. Give yourself time, you'll work it out eventually. For me it was the realization of the fact that I loved my partner more than anyone else, and if they didn't like it, too bad. I don't need anyone's permission to be alive, and neither do you. icon_smile.gif
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    Sep 12, 2012 11:44 PM GMT
    No psych training here.

    You will probably have to dig deeper to get to the bottom of this. What being gay boils down to, is that you are attracted to men instead of women. Everything else is just a social construct or stupid stereotype that obviously trigger negative feelings in you.

    So, do you think that society prefers straight people over gays? That gays have less stable relationships than straight people? That you have to become a wanton slut? Anal sex repels you? For everything listed there are solutions.

    Or do you have such high expectations of yourself that being gay would be a disappointment? Again, you need to look deeper at the specific expectations your attraction to men can't fulfill. except for the baby making with your partner I can't think of anything that the gays can't do that straight people can.
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    Sep 12, 2012 11:47 PM GMT
    We have all felt this, well maybe not all, but many of us have felt this way at some point. I came out in very early teens. But I had to come out to myself first. I knew I was gay, and like you I had trouble accepting it for a while when I was a bit older. But it is as natural as your height, eye & hair color. You have to embrace this part of yourself or you will never be happy.

    In my opinion, you seem to be relying heavily on your psychological studies to help you through this. You CAN'T look at this clinically.

    Self acceptance can be extremely hard for some, and simple for others. You are what you are. So you either HAVE TO accept it, or face a life of self inflicted turmoil. Being Gay doesn't define you. But it is a HUGE part of the way you will either go forward or not.

    Clinical studies this....and psychological variables that....quite frankly when it comes to what you are born to be, it is what it is. Sounds simplistic and maybe sophomoric on my part, but it seems to be the truth.

    Listen to what people say here. Some will undoubtedly have similar experiences to yours, other will be complete assholes, some may even give you what sounds like the perfect answer. It doesn't matter. You will come to your own inevitable conclusion soon enough.

    Good luck on your journey to self realization. I hope it comes fast for you. You are missing out on a truly wonderful part of your life. Of all the MANY things I would change about myself if I could, being Gay would not be one of them. I hope you will feel the same about being Gay sooner than later. icon_wink.gif

    Tristan
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    Sep 12, 2012 11:51 PM GMT
    Why in the world would you want to be straight?

    Straight people have their lives all dictated to them. Every stage is laid out. All their mannerisms are imposed on them.

    I think one of the reasons gays are so creative is because of that cognitive dissonance you mention.

    We are confronted with a hetero-dictate of the world that doesnt agree with what we perceive. So we get to take our lives aparts and reassemble them the way we want. And that attitude carries over into all aspects of our lives...we are always questioning why things are the way they are and asking why cant things be this way instead.

    A much more interesting way to live, I think.

    For instance, look at the way you are behaving. You are questioning and analyzing. That's the gay in you.

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    Sep 12, 2012 11:54 PM GMT
    I SO know what you are going through!

    I had to wait until I was 20 to see the first two men kiss. I didn't even see them myself: my best friend (whom I was very much in love with) dropped me off at the train station. His sister was with us. She cried out, "Look! There are two guys kissing!"

    I looked. I found that disgusting. She said, "Isn't that sweet?"

    That one question, asked by a then-16-year-old, changed my life. If she didn't find it disgusting for two men to kiss, how could I possibly find it disgusting, considering that's what I wanted all the time?

    You have conditioned yourself to think of yourself in a specific way. This specific way does not include being homosexual. You have to deprogram yourself. It's as easy as that.
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    Sep 13, 2012 12:03 AM GMT
    if u stay in that closet how are you gonna have awesome drunken orgies saturday nights
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    Sep 13, 2012 12:04 AM GMT
    Caslon20000 saidWhy in the world would you want to be straight?

    Straight people have their lives all dictated to them. Every stage is laid out. All their mannerisms are imposed on them.

    I think one of the reasons gays are so creative is because of that cognitive dissonance you mention.

    We are confronted with a hetero-dictate of the world that doesnt agree with what we perceive. So we get to take our lives aparts and reassemble them the way we want. And that attitude carries over into all aspects of our lives...we are always questioning why things are the way they are and asking why cant things be this way instead.

    A much more interesting way to live, I think.

    For instance, look at the way you are behaving. You are questioning and analyzing. That's the gay in you.



    You have a very interesting viewpoint. I thought I was one of a very few who was always questioning things, and full of cognitive dissonance. You really think that is a gay attribute? My closest friend, a straight man, is the same way a lot of the time. I'm really interested in your views on this.
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    Sep 13, 2012 12:06 AM GMT
    1. I do recognize this specific feeling as I have been there once myself. I had issues at one stage in my early days because I was just a normal boy too who liked playing football and baseball etc and I was one of the boys, and their attitude towards gay people was negative and subconsciously I didn't want to be a part of that or be on the receiving end of abuse.

    2. MAYBE you can't get your head around the fact that it's alright to accept yourself as being gay because your life may be comfortable at the moment and you don't want any change in your life or people to judge you or to change their opinion of you (if they do then dispose of the friendship) if they were to be told? You might just be a non-confrontational person who likes to let sleeping dogs lie. But repressing feelings can be bad. It is now showing coz of your motivation to start this thread.

    Remember also Daelin, that you may have had a early childhood experience or a life limited experience up till now that gave you an impression of 'being gay' as a stereotype you didn't want to be a part of because of an experience you may have had or the stigma negative people have created, albeit friends?

    You can still be yourself and be gay aswell
    The reason why I changed my attitude was because it's not about sexual orientation at all (it could be about anything) , it's about the individuals personality accepting yourself

    I do recommend counselling.
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    Sep 13, 2012 12:12 AM GMT
    I can relate. Growing up I always thought I was straight. I dated girls and had sex with them and everything was fine from my point of view. Even in college I never thought I was gay, I was with a girl from Freshman year (2006) to 2010, and I honestly thought I was gonna marry her. But when we broke up I started looking at guys differently. And I was having a huge problem with it. I come from a very big conservative family, so for the past few years I have really been trying to suppress my feelings for guys with meaningless sex with women, and while I can have sex with a woman I feel empty. And it wasn't until after my heart transplant that I decided I should embrace this side of me. I realized I could have died, and I would have died unhappy with who I was.

    I am still struggling with it a little bit, because I have not told any one in my family. I actually told my best friends the other day, and it felt like the world was lifted off my shoulders. And they were very supportive.

    One thing I will say don't self diagnose your self cause you will tell yourself what you want to hear at that moment of time. I was seeing a psychiatrist right before and after my surgery and talking to him really helped me! You should probably talk to a professional
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    Sep 13, 2012 12:12 AM GMT
    1. Does anyone recognize this specific feeling? Yes, almost all of us have felt this way at some point in time. Some experience it for decades.
    2. Why can't I get my head around the fact that it is also ok for ME to be gay. You're using other people's definition of gay instead of defining what it means for you and how much a role it plays in your life (my guess for not knowing anything about you). Remember, YOU get to decide how much being tall, dutch, skinny, your age, and you're orientation factor in making you.

    "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary." - Steve Jobs
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Sep 13, 2012 12:15 AM GMT
    Caslon20000 saidWhy in the world would you want to be straight?

    Straight people have their lives all dictated to them. Every stage is laid out. All their mannerisms are imposed on them.

    I think one of the reasons gays are so creative is because of that cognitive dissonance you mention.

    We are confronted with a hetero-dictate of the world that doesnt agree with what we perceive. So we get to take our lives aparts and reassemble them the way we want. And that attitude carries over into all aspects of our lives...we are always questioning why things are the way they are and asking why cant things be this way instead.

    A much more interesting way to live, I think.

    For instance, look at the way you are behaving. You are questioning and analyzing. That's the gay in you.



    Nice post. I can relate. Being gay is a ball. It makes you rare and interesting, especially at this time in history, when it's one of the biggest hot button political issues. We're so important to the people who love us and the ones who hate us. It's not your grand daddy's closet anymore.icon_wink.gif
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    Sep 13, 2012 12:31 AM GMT
    I have to say that I'm proud of all the supportive responses RJ'ers have been giving. For a long time this site was had lots of unsupportive members... keep it up guys. As someone who benefited from RJ support in the past, I know what a difference in the past I know how much of difference it can make...
    /end Praise*
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    Sep 13, 2012 12:42 AM GMT
    Caslon21000 saidWhy in the world would you want to be straight?

    Straight people have their lives all dictated to them. Every stage is laid out. All their mannerisms are imposed on them.

    I think one of the reasons gays are so creative is because of that cognitive dissonance you mention.

    We are confronted with a hetero-dictate of the world that doesnt agree with what we perceive. So we get to take our lives aparts and reassemble them the way we want. And that attitude carries over into all aspects of our lives...we are always questioning why things are the way they are and asking why cant things be this way instead.

    A much more interesting way to live, I think.

    For instance, look at the way you are behaving. You are questioning and analyzing. That's the gay in you.



    Fascinating explanations! I like those a lot.

    OP, you've been made this way and you were meant to be this way. Think about it, it only makes sense and completes your person, and you won't feel complete until you do.
  • NorthChinaLi

    Posts: 241

    Sep 13, 2012 12:43 AM GMT
    stop thinking so much.
    go get yourself a good guy to have sex
    or simply suck a dick
  • FuriousGeorge

    Posts: 181

    Sep 13, 2012 12:54 AM GMT
    I think you still have issues with internalized homophobia. You know you don't dislike gay people, but that's not the same thing as seeing them as equals. You don't view straight and gay lifestyles as equal in worth. That's why it's okay for the rest of the world to be gay, but if YOU are gay, then you've lost something, even if everyone around you is accepting.

    This is very common and very subconscious. It happens in issues of racism too. People will say, "I'm not racist! I don't dislike black people!" It's not just about liking or disliking people; it's how you value them compared to others.

    You should not feel bad about this; I think almost everyone goes through this for some measure of time. But until you truly believe that gay is no better or worse than straight, that bringing home a boyfriend to the family is just as appealing as bringing home a girlfriend, you will continue to feel this way.

    Could be wrong, but this is my impression.
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    Sep 13, 2012 1:30 AM GMT
    JR_RJ saidI have to say that I'm proud of all the supportive responses RJ'ers have been giving. For a long time this site was had lots of unsupportive members... keep it up guys. As someone who benefited from RJ support in the past, I know what a difference in the past I know how much of difference it can make...
    /end Praise*


    Agreed, finally some comradery. for the longest time i've just seen people be jerks on here...good on all of ya guys for being so awesome and not your stereotypical bitchy gay guys.
  • rac4437

    Posts: 105

    Sep 13, 2012 2:20 AM GMT
    DudeInNOVA saidThe reasons for not wanting to be gay don't have to be a direct dislike of homosexuality. For example, in some families and cultures, having children is considered an extremely high priority. In that case, you might not have a problem with someone else being gay because it doesn't directly effect you, but you might feel that being gay yourself is a problem because you may not have children of your own.
    Very True!!!! icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 13, 2012 2:25 AM GMT
    Hey Daelin! Totally feel ya man! When I was going through the process of coming out I also thought that it was completely acceptable for others to be gay. Two of my older brothers are also gay and it was pretty accepted in the family (however, it was not really discussed a whole lot), and I had some homosexual friends who I was totally cool with. In fact I would debate with my dad (before I admitted to my own self about my sexual orientation) in 2008 how he should vote for gay marriage; which he eventually did. Yet, when it came to myself being a homosexual I was aghast, or maybe I should say afraid of what others would think of it. When I was able to accept myself for who I was and stop letting people's expectations control my life was when I finally became comfortable with my sexuality. Granted I have only been coming out for the past five months, but after years of being uncomfortable with myself it is really quite a relief to not have to hide who I am to fit others expectations of who I am. Hope that helps! icon_wink.gif
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    Sep 13, 2012 2:27 AM GMT
    It's funny because those questions came up for me to.

    I still think girls are amazing in everyway. My thing was the fact that I had NO emotional connection what so ever to girls.

    I answered my own questions when I really accepted it and started to become more open to it all. The only question you need to ask..

    ARE YOU HAPPY?!

    And i can answer for most guys on this site when i say HELL YES!!
  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    Sep 13, 2012 2:36 AM GMT
    Caslon21000 saidWhy in the world would you want to be straight?

    Straight people have their lives all dictated to them. Every stage is laid out. All their mannerisms are imposed on them.

    I think one of the reasons gays are so creative is because of that cognitive dissonance you mention.

    We are confronted with a hetero-dictate of the world that doesnt agree with what we perceive. So we get to take our lives aparts and reassemble them the way we want. And that attitude carries over into all aspects of our lives...we are always questioning why things are the way they are and asking why cant things be this way instead.

    A much more interesting way to live, I think.

    For instance, look at the way you are behaving. You are questioning and analyzing. That's the gay in you.



    I totally like this response.

    Being gay is awesome - embrace it! You're in the netherlands, arguably the most gay-friendly country on the planet.
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    Sep 13, 2012 2:39 AM GMT
    Daelin saidSo as some of you know I have some trouble with accepting I'm gay.


    Why is it not OK for you to be gay? Religion? Self image? What is that you perceive about being gay that is OK for others and not for yourself?

    I'm quite a bit older than you so I had difficulty accepting I was gay because of my religious upbringing, familial and societal pressure, and the effeminate role models society and the media presented and ridiculed.

    Once I was able to break the shackles that religion, family, and society used to bind me and the see the myriad of ways there were to be gay besides what was presented in the media, I was able to accept myself.

    This site was one of the biggest helps in my journey because I was able to see the hundreds and thousands of gay men that didn't fit the stereotype presented by society. As many gay men as there are is as many ways as there are to be gay.

    Once I accepted myself I became a more happy, whole, content person. Everyone in my life says so.

    Save yourself years of angst and just do it! All the denial and self-loathing will not change the fact that you are gay.