Another new 'Looking for Advice on Straight (possibly gay) Friend' thread


  • Sep 13, 2012 12:20 AM GMT
    Sorry for the length. That's why I started a new thread instead of replying to the previous post in the Advice on Straight Friend thread.
    I'm going through the exact same thing right now with one of my best friends. We have always been able to talk to each other about everything and anything. He is the first person I came out to, he has a few other gay friends so I knew he would be completely comfortable with me being gay. I also wanted to come out to him because I have always felt he was gay also (there are way too many signs and attributes that suggest he's gay to list here, I will list some if need be). I have lots of straight guy friends, so this friendship felt different. We definitely had a connection that was different than with anybody else. So the only thing I have never been able to tell him is that I am attracted to him and have feelings for him. I have always felt that he was attracted to me also, he always gave off the subconscious signs of attraction. The way he stared into my eyes when we talked, the way I always caught him looking at me, the way our toes touched if we were standing next to each other in conversation, the way his hand touched mine during the simple act of handing over a cell phone for example. And he is so incredibly attractive its hard to deal with this. But here is where it gets really ugly. I have never confronted him on this though, for I have always feared that if I was wrong and he's not gay, he will be upset with me that I felt that way, and wouldn't want to be my friend assuming I liked him. And if for some reason I was right about him being gay, he is so far in the closet nothing could ever happen anyway and he would never admit it. So I have kept that to myself. Until recently. So we used to work together, and so we have a lot of mutual friends. This one girl that we are both friends with really likes him, and they have recently started dating. My friend does not have a lot of experience with girls, but I think he lies about this to our friends. So I talked with this girl (who knows I'm gay) that I have always thought my friend was gay. She agreed that he has some tendencies, but she couldn't say for sure. Apparently, the two of them discussed this. And my friend was really upset with this. He seemed to be really upset that I told this girl, because he said if she was naive it could've destroyed their relationship. He never once did mention that he was upset/concerned with the fact that I thought he was gay. He won't talk about it with me, and he has never said whether I was right or wrong. As far as I know, they're still dating. But my friend does not respond to my texts anymore. So I am very worried. Worried I made a mistake and hurt a friendship. And also wondering if anybody could help me understand what this means. Could he be gay? The place we worked at was very homophobic, so he could be hiding the fact that he's gay and attracted to me for fear of any of our coworker friends finding out and starting rumors about us. If I was wrong, and they're happily dating, why is he ignoring me then?
  • FuriousGeorge

    Posts: 181

    Sep 13, 2012 1:24 AM GMT
    First of all, paragraphs are your friend. icon_wink.gif

    Your story is 2% evidence and 98% speculation. Him looking at you and not recoiling at your touch is not tantamount to him wanting your dick. Of course he was mad at you for talking to that girl about him being gay; he's dating her! That's kind of like talking to someone's girlfriend and trying to convince her that her boyfriend isn't really into her. You have to be careful about seeing what you want to see. You yourself said you thought he was very attractive; you WANT him to be gay. If all you're going on is what you posted, you've got almost nothing. Be careful not to lose a friendship.

  • Sep 13, 2012 1:50 AM GMT
    I guess I could've provided a little more evidence. For starters, as long as I've known him we've been up front with each other about everything. I believe he has never been with a girl, and is constantly struggling with dating them. He'll meet a girl, date for a short while, then claim that "she wasn't his type or she wasn't interested in him." Doesn't make sense, because all girls want him, as I mentioned he is very attractive. he is very smart, very funny, and has a great personality. Any girl would fall head over heels in love with him. So I guess I have always been confused by his dating troubles. Aside from that, he exhibits more "gay" stereotypes than I do. Never met a straight guy who is so self-conscious about his image that he straightens his hair every morning, he is a theater (and film) major, he is infatuated with a slew of male celebrities (Johnny Depp, John Stamos, Ryan Reynolds, to name just a few.), I have seen pictures in his basement of shirtless guys torn out of Men's Health magazine. In response to your question, you might be right. I want him to be gay. But factoring that in, and couple that with the things I just mentioned, and you can see why I am so confused and upset over this whole thing icon_sad.gif
  • FuriousGeorge

    Posts: 181

    Sep 13, 2012 2:05 AM GMT
    Okay, THAT'S a bit more to go on, hahaha. Your first priority is to repair the friendship. I have no idea how you do this; that's something that only the person in the situation can figure out. He's your friend, and you know how to approach him. How can you get a hold of him? How's he feeling right now?

    Other than that, I know I sound like a broken record from the other threads, but all you can do is make yourself available to him. If he is gay, this is his journey, and he has to come around to it on his own. If he has a close, openly gay friend by his side, it will be that much easier, but there's no guarantee that he'll ever open up to you. You have to accept that.

    100th post! Woot!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 13, 2012 2:27 AM GMT
    I usually reply to all the questions I can, but this was just too long for me. (Try breaking it up more in the future)
    It seems to me like you are hoping he's gay, and that may lead you to look for proof when theres also evidence to contradict it.
    I'll admit from what I gathered, yeah he has alot of gay tendencies, but he may just be really obsessed with his image. In this day and age, when beauty is given to us on a platter and told this is what we should strive for, I wouldn't be surprised if there are people who are just really obesessed with their image, but not necessarily gay.
    The most important thing right now is just to repair your friendship. Send him a text and tell him you are sorry and want to talk. It may be best to do it in person, so try that. But if he doesn't respond then there's not much you can do. Just let him know you're there and ready whenever he is if he wants to be friends again.
    If he is gay, let him admit it to himself before you try to prove it for him. He may have felt backed into a corner after what you did. And if he really cares for this girl and lives in a homophobic environment he may not be ready. All you can do be there for him when he's ready.

  • Sep 13, 2012 2:53 AM GMT
    Thanks guys. I do appreciate the input. For the record, I have sent him a text telling him I'm sorry and that I want to talk. This entire conversation took place via text message (when he told me that he found out what I had said to this girl.) So I have texted him that I'm sorry, and that I hope he's not mad at me. I texted him to see if he wanted to hang out, and to that he did not respond. I then asked him if everythings ok, and he replied "yes". Do you think I need to give him some time before I ask to hang out? Should I tell him again how sorry I am? since I'm friends with the girl, should I ask her if everything's ok? And should I ask if I can explain to him why I thought that and brought that up to the girl? Is it ok to explain to him why I thought he was attracted to me/guys in general? Sorry, I'm new at this. Haven't been out of the closet very long, so I'm still figuring everything out myself.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 13, 2012 3:32 AM GMT
    Oh, boy. That sounds almost too similar to what I just went through with my closest friend. Totally got the vibe from him, and he would exhibit all the behaviors you said your beau was doing (staring all the time, feet touching all the time, saying how good I looked, saying how he needed me, hands touching whenever we handed things to each other, him always getting closer when we sat together, and a whole laundry list of other signs.) He also had a girlfriend, and even though I was getting all the vibes and signals of him being into me it still ended badly. Was he gay? Most likely, but there was no way that he was going to admit it anytime soon and it lead to heart break for me. In the case of your guy it sounds as if he legitimately likes you, however, he himself is most likely struggling with his own sexuality and thus giving you mixed signals. Also, when people are scared of something in themselves they will generally push away those embodiments of their fears (in this case he fearing being gay will push you away for being what he fears).
    Also, the ball is now in his court after your apology. Its up to him to decide how to forgive, and if he is not willing to discuss any of this then is that really a friend worth having if they'll ignore you in distress? Overall I'd say try talking to him about the issue and getting the feelings out, but if he won't listen, or won't even discuss it then I would say to move on (which is not easy, but will prove better for you in the long run) realize that it is not you, and spare yourself the grief: why be sad wondering if someone is into you when you could be happy with someone who will admit they like you?
  • FuriousGeorge

    Posts: 181

    Sep 13, 2012 3:33 AM GMT
    Consider it encouraging that he replied to your one text. I would give him just a little time (a day or two) before asking to meet up again. You know he saw the texts; now just let him respond in his own time. I would avoid going through the girl unless he absolutely refuses to meet with you. Since talking to this girl about him is what got you in trouble to begin with, he may not appreciate you doing it again.

    I WOULD NOT go over the reasons you thought he might be gay (unless he asks). That will probably just make him defensive and argumentative toward you. I WOULD tell him that he's a very good friend to you, and in some ways you wish he were gay because you feel so close to him (but please don't confess your undying love for him, that's too much). This puts the focus back on you, and he's more likely to be forgiving.

    You can try this over text too if you're just not getting anything back from him, but it would be better in person. Don't let him keep you at a distance indefinitely.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 13, 2012 10:54 AM GMT
    OP..i think you should back off just a little..or maybe ALOT !!..
    Yes the other posters are right...You really ,really, really, want him to gay..!

    .. You violated the relationship.. let your friend come around on his own terms.!!.The last thing i would want is people yapping about one of my friends..Telling that other co-worker..terrible mistake... So if he does not respond to your texts...you have to deal with it..!

    ..So if your friend IS gay..let him come out on his own terms..
    The stance you have taken is predatory and obsessive..

    ..What you would like to happen is... If and when your friend comes out he chooses you! ..Has this become the fuel in the friendship???

    .. Say your friend Is gay and he Does NOT choose you ?..Then what?

    Take a solid position Scott..Be a friend and ..don't ruin a beautiful thing..!
    Hugz.. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 13, 2012 11:43 AM GMT
    As a rule of thumb, I don't date friends I've grown close with, late into friendship. Only early stage friendships, and not that close a friend guys have potential in Real Life. Everything else, except cyber relationships are off limits. IMHO.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 13, 2012 11:51 AM GMT
    Confirmation bias - you are looking for evidence to support your hypothesis (that he is gay and is attracted to you) whilst ignoring the facts that disprove it (ie, he is dating a woman).

    At the end of the day, even if he is homosexual, he identifies as a heterosexual male, and there is not a great deal you can do about that.

    Go and look for a boy who is open and comfortable with his sexuality, there are plenty of them out there.

    This is coming from a guy who has been there and done that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 13, 2012 12:09 PM GMT
    YeahhBrah saidConfirmation bias - you are looking for evidence to support your hypothesis (that he is gay and is attracted to you) whilst ignoring the facts that disprove it (ie, he is dating a woman).

    At the end of the day, even if he is homosexual, he identifies as a heterosexual male, and there is not a great deal you can do about that.

    Go and look for a boy who is open and comfortable with his sexuality, there are plenty of them out there.

    This is coming from a guy who has been there and done that.


    mostly agree with this, but I bet he's probably gay. however it's totally, totally not your job/your place to help him/make him come to terms with it. that's ONLY his decision. I think this is where you went wrong. it's not up to the girl he's dating or you, only he can help himself with this kind of thing.

    maybe chalk it up to a lesson learned? :/
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 14, 2012 4:44 AM GMT
    YeahhBrah saidConfirmation bias - you are looking for evidence to support your hypothesis (that he is gay and is attracted to you) whilst ignoring the facts that disprove it (ie, he is dating a woman).

    At the end of the day, even if he is homosexual, he identifies as a heterosexual male, and there is not a great deal you can do about that.

    Go and look for a boy who is open and comfortable with his sexuality, there are plenty of them out there.

    This is coming from a guy who has been there and done that.


    Look at how smart you sound, Michael!!

    Gonna go put 3 cups of sugar into your coffee this morning? haha icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 14, 2012 6:46 AM GMT
    homastj said
    YeahhBrah saidConfirmation bias - you are looking for evidence to support your hypothesis (that he is gay and is attracted to you) whilst ignoring the facts that disprove it (ie, he is dating a woman).

    At the end of the day, even if he is homosexual, he identifies as a heterosexual male, and there is not a great deal you can do about that.

    Go and look for a boy who is open and comfortable with his sexuality, there are plenty of them out there.

    This is coming from a guy who has been there and done that.


    mostly agree with this, but I bet he's probably gay. however it's totally, totally not your job/your place to help him/make him come to terms with it. that's ONLY his decision. I think this is where you went wrong. it's not up to the girl he's dating or you, only he can help himself with this kind of thing.

    maybe chalk it up to a lesson learned? :/


    Key word is identify, I, at one stage, identified as a heterosexual male despite knowing I was gay, and whenever confronted about it I was highly defensive. It wasn't until I was ready to shift my identification to that of a gay male did things change for me, but to reiterate, when "I" was ready.

    And Greg, shut up lol icon_surprised.gif