What would you do?

  • Sockpuppet90

    Posts: 4

    Sep 13, 2012 11:20 AM GMT
    Sorry for the long read.. in advance. I usually post under a different name, but this is too embarassing for the moment.

    I've been in a relationship with my partner for 25 years, going on 26.

    I'm in my early 40s, my partner 21 years older than me.

    Around 18 years ago, we stopped having sex, he claimed being tired, stressed and not up to it, I didn't press the point as I thought being in his 40s his libido would be less..

    We have separate bedrooms because we both sleep so badly together, so its not like the opportunity ever arises.

    The few times I suggested it, he would get uptight and said he would give me a pity fuck if I wanted it - I learned pretty fast to not bring up the subject

    He had been working as an executive for a national company and has been travelling a lot, I started to think it was more than a co-incidence he got his body waxed (he said he thought it was more hygenic and he liked the feel better) just before trips to Sydney.

    He also has been vacationing alone (since I can't afford to travel overseas) to gay resorts in Palm Springs for vacations, most recently coming back from there in July this year.

    After he got back this time we were having lunch at a restaurant, I returned to the table to find him texting, and he put the phone on the table after locking it. A few seconds later a message popped up on the screen saying "So are you cut or uncut?" From GRINDR Extra..

    I felt like I'd been kicked in the guts. I've stuck with this guy for so long, foregone sex in the prime years of my life to find out he just isn't into me?

    FML.
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    Sep 13, 2012 12:29 PM GMT
    Wow, he gets around in his 60s, eh?

    You're still in your 40s and haven't really "foregone" anything, as your elder partner is unwittingly revealing to you.

    Sounds to me like he is looking for an open relationship, and you not so much.

    I think you'd both do each other a favor by breaking it up, remaining platonic friends if you want to. I'm suspecting he hasn't been gutsy enough to make the same offer to you, hoping by now you'd get the hint and offer to split first.

    He's been sharing a household with you for decades, so there's no need to rush out by next Tuesday. Transition your relationship to housemates until you or him (depending on who owns your place) can find a suitable place to move to.

    No need to get into the details of what you found with him; the lack of intimacy since the initial years of the Clinton Administration is cause enough. No need to reflect on whatever caused him to grow more distant in the past. Just keep the status quo after you have the Big Talk until one of you can move out and move on.

    Break free, and get yourself back in the pool. Good luck!
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    Sep 13, 2012 2:18 PM GMT
    I usually tend to think most things are salvageable if both parties are willing to work at achieving a positive resolution. In your case however, I'm not so optimistic.

    So he earns more than you do but doesn't take you on holidays even after 25 years together? What kind of partner is that?

    You need to find out where the relationship is and if he even values you as a partner any more or is just sticking with you out of convenience's sake.

    At 40+, there's still plenty of time to find someone who truly values having you in his life. For him, I'm not so sure.
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    Sep 13, 2012 2:22 PM GMT
    OP name is sockpuppet! HAHAHAHAHAHA a sock account, I can't believe I actually read the entire thing, Stupid me!
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    Sep 13, 2012 2:35 PM GMT
    As I have always said , more often than not these can only but be dysfunctional relationships.

    The issue is your age. You are too old for him.

    What's the price of your admittance? You have the option of getting out of the relationship or staying in the relationship and just finding someone to fuck as well. Or you can find someone who will treat you in the way you want to be treated. The paths may not necessarily be easy, but the ball is in your court.
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    Sep 13, 2012 3:20 PM GMT
    I think if you approach it gently you may still be able to be friends - it doesn't sound like you want revenge, or a rebound fuck.

    I agree with the guys here, you're not so old you can't start again if you want to, although after 25 years, I would be surprised if you didn't have property in common, which can be the undoing of many amiable splits.

    What I would do is negotiate a freindship out of the relationship, not move out unless you had to.

    I think long term, you may both be better off that way.

    *Hugs*
  • Pepsic0la

    Posts: 145

    Sep 13, 2012 3:35 PM GMT
    Dude if he's 60-something and living life YOU NEED TO DROP HIM AND HAVE DOUBLE THE FUN AT 40.

    That dude sounds like a piece of shit, and is probably a sugar-daddy to a 19 y/o somewhere. You dont deserve it, so kick rocks. Left foot, right foot, let's go !!
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    Sep 13, 2012 3:50 PM GMT
    crossfit7 saidOP name is sockpuppet! HAHAHAHAHAHA a sock account, I can't believe I actually read the entire thing, Stupid me!


    ...and you're an idiot!
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    Sep 13, 2012 3:59 PM GMT
    ohboy said
    crossfit7 saidOP name is sockpuppet! HAHAHAHAHAHA a sock account, I can't believe I actually read the entire thing, Stupid me!


    ...and you're an idiot!


    Oh thank god I thought I was going to have to say it icon_rolleyes.gif

    well done oh boy carry on

    EDIT
    OP you are now in your prime go for it whatever you decide. seriously though you have to know he's been playing you? You've let the most obvious indicators of him screwing around go on right in front of you, the waxing, the holidays without you.

    Come on your a big boy, so it sucks, it will pass. Dont waste any more time on this "relationship"
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    Sep 13, 2012 4:07 PM GMT
    icon_smile.gif
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    Sep 13, 2012 5:58 PM GMT
    Sockpuppet90 saidI've been in a relationship with my partner for 25 years, going on 26.
    ...
    Around 18 years ago, we stopped having sex, he claimed being tired, stressed and not up to it,
    ...
    The few times I suggested it, he would get uptight and said he would give me a pity fuck if I wanted it - I learned pretty fast to not bring up the subject
    ...
    I've stuck with this guy for so long, foregone sex in the prime years of my life to find out he just isn't into me?

    These questions come to mind:
    What made you wait for 18years?
    If getting older is the reason he stopped having sex why would that change as he got even older?
    Why did you assume things would change after all that time?
    Why did you forgo sex and hang on so long?

    As mentioned above, he is probably into the young twink type and you have long since 'out grown' that mold. You are in your 40's you should do fine if you have been taking care of yourself.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Sep 13, 2012 6:20 PM GMT
    Dude, I feel so bad for you. Dude, just pack your shit and leave. He is a coward and douche. I think you should have know something was up when he said he would give you a pity fuck. WTF, I would have said piss off. Anyhow, its obvious your relationship is over. I suggest you save up some money to move. I say do it without even telling him. If I were you I would just wait until I have enough money to get a place and then move out.
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    Sep 13, 2012 7:03 PM GMT
    What is it with these boring posts? What the fuck is wrong with you people? In this economy do you not have the cash for therapy? Really? Has it come to this? My lord people, get that second job and get yourself some god damned therapy.
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    Sep 13, 2012 7:22 PM GMT
    Dump him.
    Either he's gonna dump you, he wants an open relationship, or hes gonna keep cheating. Avoid the first by dumping him first, if you're okay with the second keep him, if not dump him, and if he keeps cheating dump him.

    I may not be in a position to advise you, but just reading your post makes ME mad at your partnericon_evil.gif. I don't know if he loves you and if you love him, but if he TRUELY loved you, he wouldn't cheat on you, in any way shape or form. He should have at least asked for an open relationship, then left if he was gonna fuck other men anyways.
    And whats with giving you "a pitty fuck?" Are you serious? If he was saying stuff like that, it was clear he didn't love/respect you anymore. If I lost my libido, and my partner wanted sex, I'd find some way to make it work (does viagra ring a bell anyone)

    Sorry for being so mad. Your the one who's gonna have to deal with all this dramaicon_sad.gif. If I were you I would confront him. If he wants to make it work fine, but I don't know if you could ever trust him again. If you have moved on already, then just move on. Any decision has its draw-backs. Just think about this with your heart, instinct and reasoning.
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    Sep 13, 2012 7:42 PM GMT
    So the spark between you both has been gone and you've pretty much had no intimacy or sex for eighteen years? I can guess what HE has been doing for sex all this time, but what about YOU? Do you go out and hook up sometimes just for some kicks? If not, why? There must be something that has kept you both together all these years. What is it? Real Estate? Finances?

    So you just have to ask yourself: Is this where I want to be in five, or ten years? Will he be leaving you his estate if you hang in there long enough? Is it assured? What if he leaves his estate to a church, a charity - - - - or worse yet - his latest twink?
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    Sep 13, 2012 8:01 PM GMT
    Really?! He couldn't pick places to go with you on vacation that you both could afford and enjoy? No sex and "just not up to it" isn't a good excuse for 18 years. Doesn't sound like a relationship and sounds as though he's already moved on.
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    Sep 13, 2012 8:36 PM GMT
    Are you financially protected in any way?

    Did the two of you have the equivalent of a pre-numpt?

    25 years together is a LONG, LONG TIME.

    I certainly wouldn't take the advice of others here who are suggesting you simply walk away.

    First, I'd consider the financial aspects as if you were preparing to get a divorce. (I'm supposing you're not married, but you should still look at it in the same way.)

    IMPORTANT:

    If your financial recourse against him (for a portion of the assets accumulated during the 25 years) is not strong under "law", you can still go to court and sue for a division of the assets under "equity jurisdiction" of the court. Under equity (do not confuse this with the term equity as used in regards to mortgages or houses), the court will do what is "right" by applying the Maxims of Equity rather than applying "law".

    Besides the heartbreak, I know this must be hard on you in many other ways, too. After 25 years together, you DESERVE to be able to start your life again without having to start from poverty.

    Don't make the mistake of just walking away. At your age, you may never be able to financially recover.... and THAT will affect the rest of your life, including any relationships you hope to have.

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    Sep 13, 2012 9:15 PM GMT
    You could get out of the relationship, or at least mention to him that you're not happy being with him anymore. Feed off his reaction and move on from there.
    Seems like a rough situation.
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    Sep 13, 2012 10:17 PM GMT
    OP is trying to sum up a 26 year relationship in 18 lines..

    Gay couples don't stop having sex for 18 years..sleep in separate bedrooms and stay together..
    ..Things went bad a long, long , time ago..
    How come you are just noticing now?

    Something tells me you are leaving out tons of critical info.
    Come on OP?..what are you leaving out???

    So we now know what your partner has been doing to satisfy his sexual needs..
    What have you been doing all these 18+ years?

    It would be very interesting to hear your partner's side of this story

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    Sep 13, 2012 10:19 PM GMT
    I'm sorry but how in the hell does a partner get to vacation alone? What happened to your money is my money and my money is your money. If I am with a guy there is no-one I'd rather be on vacation than him.

    I'm sorry about the whole thing though bud.
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    Sep 13, 2012 11:01 PM GMT
    DavidDB saidAre you financially protected in any way?

    Did the two of you have the equivalent of a pre-numpt?

    25 years together is a LONG, LONG TIME.

    I certainly wouldn't take the advice of others here who are suggesting you simply walk away.

    First, I'd consider the financial aspects as if you were preparing to get a divorce. (I'm supposing you're not married, but you should still look at it in the same way.)

    IMPORTANT:

    If your financial recourse against him (for a portion of the assets accumulated during the 25 years) is not strong under "law", you can still go to court and sue for a division of the assets under "equity jurisdiction" of the court. Under equity (do not confuse this with the term equity as used in regards to mortgages or houses), the court will do what is "right" by applying the Maxims of Equity rather than applying "law".

    Besides the heartbreak, I know this must be hard on you in many other ways, too. After 25 years together, you DESERVE to be able to start your life again without having to start from poverty.

    Don't make the mistake of just walking away. At your age, you may never be able to financially recover.... and THAT will affect the rest of your life, including any relationships you hope to have.



    ^^ Listen to this man, please!!!! My original response ignores this important con$ideration.
  • JosephC

    Posts: 92

    Sep 14, 2012 1:20 AM GMT
    Dump his ass, if he's depriving you of sex he is clearly having it with so many others. He doesn't like you anymore which is horrible seeing you've kept with him. I feel your pain but you are worth so much more. Brake it off with him and find someone who will be with you forever, never settle for a betrayal, like you said you're in your prime so go get someone deserving of it. Best to you my friend.
  • Sockpuppet90

    Posts: 4

    Sep 14, 2012 3:30 PM GMT
    OK.. so more detail required?

    Yes, we have common property, just about every stick of furniture in a $600k house.

    The house itself is under Mortgage - I have around $130k to pay off on 'my half' the deeds list us as tenants in common.

    I am financially attached, in other words.

    What made me hang around for 18 years? After being with a guy for nearly 8 years (when the sex started to stop) there are other priorities, and if you beleive that there is a physical problem (ED or similar) that your partner wont discuss - what choice do you have .. walk?

    That would have been easier I admit, but my upbringing never let me give up on a relationship just because the sex stopped - my parents have probably only had intercourse a dozen times.

    I never assumed we'd jump back into a sexual relationship, I admit I hoped there would be a change for the better, but never relied on that happening - I was comfortable knowing that if he couldnt - I wouldn't (and not go looking for it either)

    You ask what I've been doing all these 18 years?

    Ive been losing weight, changing my routine up, doing my best to recapture my partner's interest without rubbing his face in it.

    I swear I tried every thing I knew how to get him to want me.

    Emotionally the relationship has been distant, I have been throwing myself into the other relationships in my life, work and friendships - my partner and I are still close, I would probably say even best freinds, except for the fact he's been cheating on me.

    Sex - wise - Masturbation for the last 16 and using the webcam on my PC for the last 4 to J/O with random guys on the internet. Enough to keep me from climbing the walls, but only just.

    After the Grindr incident - I had a 'hookup' - nothing fancy or unsafe, just a little oral and some frottage.

    I cried for an hour afterwards, not from guilt, but because it had been such a long time since I'd actually been with a man, in the flesh who thought I was desirable.

    To be kissed with passion, even by a complete stranger made a part of me feel alive that had felt dead for the longest time.

    Again, my apologies for the long post.

  • Sockpuppet90

    Posts: 4

    Sep 14, 2012 3:36 PM GMT
    crossfit7 saidOP name is sockpuppet! HAHAHAHAHAHA a sock account, I can't believe I actually read the entire thing, Stupid me!


    icon_eek.gif Yeah, how obvious.. even YOU picked up on that.

    I cant believe you read the entire thing either. given your response here, I'm kinda glad you didn't offer any advice though.
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    Sep 14, 2012 3:43 PM GMT
    OP, I just read your newest post in which you clarified more detail regarding your situation. I have just a couple of observations:

    First - - - I'm concerned that your property is tenants in common rather than joint tenancy. Big difference - - - mainly in that your partner could suddenly pass away and leave his share of the property to a third party - - - not you. If you could get it changed to jt. ten. his share would go to you when he passes. I know it may not be possible to urge him to change that, but if you could - - you'd be in a much better position.

    Second - - - I had a b.f. once who was just not interested in sex, unless I initiated it - - and then he'd get into it, slowly. Think of it like a car on a cold morning in Minnesota. I finally got sick and tired of this and left the situation. I wanted someone who was as passionate about sex - and life - as I am. I really felt for you when you described how you felt after your recent time of intimacy with a new guy. God - I felt exactly the same way! These guys who are stone-cold to us are really just asking us to step out and cheat. I guess you will have to decide whether to do a whole lot more of the stepping out, or make plans to do a real split with your guy. You sound like a great guy - reasoned, attractive, bright, even sensuous ............ and you deserve to be happy.