The sadness in gay men's eyes

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    Sep 14, 2012 5:50 AM GMT
    I don't know if you guys noticed, but there are so many gay men that I meet, and they would have this sadness in their eyes. It's not a sad puppy eyes look, like they're trying to be cute or anything, but it's a real, deep sadness that I can feel. It's not a brooding look either. Rather, it feels like it's coming from a soul level, like you can just gaze in their eyes and you'd drown in them. Sometimes I wish I can just give these guys a deep long hug and make their pain and sadness go away. I don't know what these emotions are, but if I have to guess, I'd say it's a longing to be understood, a longing to find a kindred spirit, and a wanting to be unchained by rules in society. I'd say I see (in many) an inner child that had suffered trauma, and is in great need to be healed. I don't know if I am right or not, and this observation definitely does not apply to many out there. I'm just saying that I have noticed this.
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    Sep 14, 2012 5:53 AM GMT
    I try hiding it as best I can. If someone sees it, they'll ask questions and usually they're not someone I know or care talk to... I've handled my sadness well enough on my own. I don't need to be lectured on it. I'll live.
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    Sep 14, 2012 5:57 AM GMT
    JOOU saidI don't know if you guys noticed, but there are so many gay men that I meet, and they would have this sadness in their eyes. It's not a sad puppy eyes look, like they're trying to cute or anything, but it's a real sadness that I can feel. It's not a brooding look either. Rather, it feels like it's coming from a soul level, like you can just gaze in their eyes and you'd drown in them. Sometimes I wish I can just give these guys a deep hug and make their pain and sadness go away. I don't know what these emotions are, but if I have to guess, I'd say it's a longing to be understood, a longing to find a kindred spirit, and a wanting to be unchained by rules in society. I'd say I see (in many) an inner child that had suffered trauma, and is in great need to be healed. I don't know if I am right or not, and this observation definitely does not apply to many out there. I'm just saying that I have noticed this.


    Hmn.. Not sure what you mean. Here in Dallas, the men seem emptier than an abandoned meat factory. icon_neutral.gif

    I can read people's eyes but it's rare I ever find 'the spark of life' inside of them-- not literally but in the sense where they resonate with a sense of awareness. It's like their insides just shut down and gave up trying to search out themselves. icon_confused.gif
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    Sep 14, 2012 6:04 AM GMT
    It can also come from many heart breaks and such as well
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    Sep 14, 2012 6:06 AM GMT
    JOOU saidI don't know if you guys noticed, but there are so many gay men that I meet, and they would have this sadness in their eyes. It's not a sad puppy eyes look, like they're trying to cute or anything, but it's a real sadness that I can feel. It's not a brooding look either. Rather, it feels like it's coming from a soul level, like you can just gaze in their eyes and you'd drown in them. Sometimes I wish I can just give these guys a deep hug and make their pain and sadness go away. I don't know what these emotions are, but if I have to guess, I'd say it's a longing to be understood, a longing to find a kindred spirit, and a wanting to be unchained by rules in society. I'd say I see (in many) an inner child that had suffered trauma, and is in great need to be healed. I don't know if I am right or not, and this observation definitely does not apply to many out there. I'm just saying that I have noticed this.


    i could not agree more.
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    Sep 14, 2012 6:09 AM GMT
    Really heartfelt and astute post. I wonder if the OP feels this way too, and sees it in others though? Where I see this "look" he talks about the most is at the gym and at clubs.... It's as if some guys are constantly looking for something but going around in circles, literally, in these venues.

    Could be that some of us are a product of a society in transition from outright, blatant homophobia to a more tolerant, open, progressive mentality....

    I really think this "sadness" u speak of will subside in the coming years, and I'm excited for the next generation of gay men to experience happiness in their eyes! (Especially when gay marriage is approved at the FEDERAL level, not just state)

  • bischero

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    Sep 14, 2012 6:10 AM GMT
    Awww. That was written out very well!

    I think I know what you're talking about... but I don't have very many gay friends/know that many gay people, so I'd need to be around them more to see if I can see the same thing that you're seeing.
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    Sep 14, 2012 6:13 AM GMT
    i remember a few weekends ago i went to see a drag show and i noticed this older black man who looked like he was by himself, and he started crying while we were all watchign the show. he was in the back of the room, and it was dark, so i dont think anyone else noticed but me, but i saw him sobbing with his face in his hands. I couldnt stop watching and wondering what was wrong... later as i was about to leave i passed by him and asked if everything was all right, he paused for a moment, smiled and said yeah, I'm okay. I wished him a good night and left. maybe i shouldve came up sooner? idk
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Sep 14, 2012 6:14 AM GMT
    I have to say I really haven't seen this sort of look. I do know gay guys who aren't happy with themselves, but I've credited much of that to their circumstances and ot so much their sexuality (I'm sure they probably could be linked). Most are busy with their own lives and dealing with day to day issues.
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    Sep 14, 2012 6:20 AM GMT
    Photobucket
    This could also be the reason why for the more stalkish types...
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    Sep 14, 2012 6:21 AM GMT
    FlawedAmigo saidPhotobucket
    This could also be the reason why for the more stalkish types...


    Do you speak from personal experience? icon_biggrin.gif
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    Sep 14, 2012 6:23 AM GMT
    I think you're describing the look of men who are carrying around a lot of pain.
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    Sep 14, 2012 6:26 AM GMT
    IzzyMuscle saidReally heartfelt and astute post. I wonder if the OP feels this way too, and sees it in others though? Where I see this "look" he talks about the most is at the gym and at clubs.... It's as if some guys are constantly looking for something but going around in circles, literally, in these venues.

    Could be that some of us are a product of a society in transition from outright, blatant homophobia to a more tolerant, open, progressive mentality....

    I really think this "sadness" u speak of will subside in the coming years, and I'm excited for the next generation of gay men to experience happiness in their eyes! (Especially when gay marriage is approved at the FEDERAL level, not just state)



    I could be projecting, that's for sure.

    I'm not sure what it is, but I do see it in the guys around my age (mid-late 20s). I see it in the guys who are single, I see it in guys who are in relationship, I see it in guys who are closeted, and I see it in guys who are out. It's like there are so many untold stories, so many suppressed emotions. Yes, their facial expressions might be smiling, but their eyes are filled with sadness, loneliness, and a longing to be understood. Perhaps a longing of true love? I dunno.
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    Sep 14, 2012 6:27 AM GMT
    It's loneliness. Spiritual longing, even.

    There's a group of people who think that the shallow consumerism in our society is a result of unfulfilled spiritual longing. We don't know how to fill the hole so we use things like objects, alcohol, sex, and the glorification of inanity.

    Look at poorer societies, and they are rich in spirit, in love, and in community.

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    Sep 14, 2012 6:27 AM GMT
    JOOU said
    IzzyMuscle saidReally heartfelt and astute post. I wonder if the OP feels this way too, and sees it in others though? Where I see this "look" he talks about the most is at the gym and at clubs.... It's as if some guys are constantly looking for something but going around in circles, literally, in these venues.

    Could be that some of us are a product of a society in transition from outright, blatant homophobia to a more tolerant, open, progressive mentality....

    I really think this "sadness" u speak of will subside in the coming years, and I'm excited for the next generation of gay men to experience happiness in their eyes! (Especially when gay marriage is approved at the FEDERAL level, not just state)



    I could be projecting, that's for sure.

    I'm not sure what it is, but I do see it in the guys around my age (mid-late 20s). I see it in the guys who are single, I see it in guys who are in relationship, I see it in guys who are closeted, and I see it in guys who are out. It's like there are so many untold stories, so many suppressed emotions. Yes, their facial expressions might be smiling, but their eyes are filled with sadness, loneliness, and a longing to be understood. Perhaps a longing of true love? I dunno.

    Everyone has their stories hell I might be twenty but I have a fair share of them and so does everyone else.
  • NorthChinaLi

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    Sep 14, 2012 6:28 AM GMT
    right
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    Sep 14, 2012 6:28 AM GMT
    crash20 saidi remember a few weekends ago i went to see a drag show and i noticed this older black man who looked like he was by himself, and he started crying while we were all watchign the show. he was in the back of the room, and it was dark, so i dont think anyone else noticed but me, but i saw him sobbing with his face in his hands. I couldnt stop watching and wondering what was wrong... later as i was about to leave i passed by him and asked if everything was all right, he paused for a moment, smiled and said yeah, I'm okay. I wished him a good night and left. maybe i shouldve came up sooner? idk


    That made me smile. You're an angel <3
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    Sep 14, 2012 6:35 AM GMT
    IzzyMuscle saidReally heartfelt and astute post. I wonder if the OP feels this way too, and sees it in others though? Where I see this "look" he talks about the most is at the gym and at clubs.... It's as if some guys are constantly looking for something but going around in circles, literally, in these venues.

    Could be that some of us are a product of a society in transition from outright, blatant homophobia to a more tolerant, open, progressive mentality....

    I really think this "sadness" u speak of will subside in the coming years, and I'm excited for the next generation of gay men to experience happiness in their eyes! (Especially when gay marriage is approved at the FEDERAL level, not just state)



    I think it's more difficult that just allowing gays to get married. Frankly, gay men can be very cruel to each other, and I think there's a lot more to creating a supportive community than getting marriage rights (though that is a very important issue, obviously). Much of the sadness you and others might see could be a reflection of how excluded people might feel in the gay community in general, which is heartbreaking considering that society at large has already excluded us.
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    Sep 14, 2012 6:37 AM GMT
    Weird. Another board member told me I was very sad-eyed a few months back.
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    Sep 14, 2012 6:39 AM GMT
    Photobucket
    Basically thats was how my eyes had been for a long time now.
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    Sep 14, 2012 6:41 AM GMT
    ^ that's the look. It breaks my heart to see it. icon_sad.gif

    If I can hug or comfort those sadness away I would icon_cry.gif
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    Sep 14, 2012 6:45 AM GMT
    This post is flaw free.
    Maintainig eye contact with someone has always been an issue for me- It's hard to take? Idk but Catching some random persons eye means so much to me, whether it's on the street or at the store or whatever. It's refreshing.
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    Sep 14, 2012 6:46 AM GMT
    Better to be full of woe than empty.
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    Sep 14, 2012 6:48 AM GMT
    My eyes are full of joy because I get to have sex with hot boys so idk icon_lol.gificon_wink.gif
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    Sep 14, 2012 6:51 AM GMT
    Oh hell. :/ Now I gotta do a serious post but I doubt anyone will really read it.

    I think everyone longs to be understood. Gay men may come across various planes of difficulty when it acceptance-- both inside their community and outside of it. The world is still vastly intolerant with respect to gay/bi men. They have trouble fitting in if they come from small towns, from super/orthodox/conservative families backed by an equally repressive Abrahamic faith, and also have difficulty fitting in. There's been this "loss of identity" crisis in America for a while now and many still have yet to find a place they can truly fit and be unconditionally accepted and supported by individuals.

    If that wasn't bad enough, gays/bis often suffer from rejection within their own community too, as Principal alluded to. The stereotypes and demand of a certain appearance is an crucifying element in today's culture. "Swimming in the river of darkness, beneath the neon lights" some gay/bi men have become part of no one and nothing, immersing themselves in mainstream superficiality and nihilism.There are no structures of support, there are no beacons of light, no shoulders in which gay/bi men can stand upon except in their immediate environment. In my experience, they have no legacy except Stonewall and historical events which helped carve out a new century of acceptance in the 20th century.

    But who is our mentor? Where are our guiding posts? There really aren't any, at least, not for many gay/bi men. Without a moral high ground or support from their society, gay men often become lost and confused souls travelling between the worlds. Neither here, neither there. They become absorbed into the superficial reality constructed by gay/bi men, being young, looking good, and feeling good. My guess is there seems to be a correlation between appearance and confidence within the culture mostly because people rely on affirmation from their surroundings.

    Gay and Bi men are often the victims of rape, rejection, and broken families too.