Getting shy guys to partcipate in the date/relationship building...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 16, 2012 2:49 PM GMT
    I am pretty introverted but I am not shy. So while I can relate to some of the feelings of shy guys, they are the one group I have the most difficulty with in building relationships.

    My times with shy guys follow a similar script. We email/IM each other online for a week or so and then decide to meet up somewhere. During our date, he smiles and makes quite a bit of glancing eye contact but doesn't say a whole lot and I'm pretty much leading the discussion. When I don't, we have awkward silence. He seems perfectly content with me taking the lead and him just answering questions. When he does ask questions it's more of a rebuttal to my question... "what about you?" 99.9% of my dates with shy guys (and shy girls when I dated them) go this way.

    Afterwards, I get the "You are a really good guy and much hotter in person! icon_smile.gif" email/text. There is obvious physical chemistry, but he still doesn't have much to say in our next meetings. Sometimes I'll mention, "oh, you were really quiet, I thought I was saying something wrong?" to which they will say on cue, "No, I'm just really shy I guess". After a few more interactions I am pretty sure that we couldn't really even be friends unless I accepted the fact that I would likely be pulling him along, initiating everything. I'm looking for more of a "potluck" setup where we both bring something new versus a guide/mentee setup. I lose interest pretty quickily and then have to break it off (which kills me to do). Again, 99.9% of my relationships with shy guys fizzle this way. Thoughts?
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    Sep 16, 2012 3:05 PM GMT
    Myol saidI am pretty introverted but I am not shy. So while I can relate to some of the feelings of shy guys, they are the one group I have the most difficulty with in building relationships.

    My times with shy guys follow a similar script. We email/IM each other online for a week or so and then decide to meet up somewhere. During our date, he smiles and makes quite a bit of glancing eye contact but doesn't say a whole lot and I'm pretty much leading the discussion. When I don't, we have awkward silence. He seems perfectly content with me taking the lead and him just answering questions. When he does ask questions it's more of a rebuttal to my question... "what about you?" 99.9% of my dates with shy guys (and shy girls when I dated them) go this way.

    Afterwards, I get the "You are a really good guy and much hotter in person! icon_smile.gif" email/text. There is obvious physical chemistry, but he still doesn't have much to say in our next meetings. Sometimes I'll mention, "oh, you were really quiet, I thought I was saying something wrong?" to which they will say on cue, "No, I'm just really shy I guess". After a few more interactions I am pretty sure that we couldn't really even be friends unless I accepted the fact that I would likely be pulling him along, initiating everything. I'm looking for more of a "potluck" setup where we both bring something new versus a guide/mentee setup. I lose interest pretty quickily and then have to break it off (which kills me to do). Again, 99.9% of my relationships with shy guys fizzle this way. Thoughts?


    I... am a shy guy in nature and at heart. I know I don't seem to carry myself as such on here but how I act on here is quite contrary to what I'm like as a person outside of the forums. icon_smile.gif

    As a shy guy, I guess the thoughts that are going through my head are, "I wonder what I should talk about? What is he interested in? Is there anything that he could ramble on and on about?" I guess I answered my own dilemma there as I put it into words, haha. +D I usually am pretty straight forward albeit shy. I am a natural introvert too but I can adapt to situations as I see fit.

    Communication is really important. If the other person doesn't engage me or talk about anything worth my while, it suggests to me a couple of things: 1) They're not interested or 2) They're not interesting. If it's the former, a person will get cold feet and try to shake off being too close to me. If it's the latter, like you, I hate having to kill what I have but if a person cannot stimulate me and talk to me about things I am interested in-- outside of the mundane inquiries (e.g. favorite color, animal, likes/dislikes, etc.)-- I won't feel a strong attachment to them.

    I'm also a bit shy when it comes to being touched by others. I get nervous really easy and have a lot of natural anxiety. That can be a turn off to some people but I try to explain to them, "It's really not something you're doing. I just am this way and generally tend to be. I have... no control over what I am feeling or doing right now." I really don't. I've done everything in my power to try to make myself physically calm but it's more like my body is scared/nervous than I am myself.

    There's a reason for that of course but I don't want to go into details. I hope that helps. icon_smile.gif
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Sep 16, 2012 3:15 PM GMT
    Just ask him if he would like to suck your dick ... next time fuck him hard in the ass ... After that he should be all loosened up icon_biggrin.gif
  • FuriousGeorge

    Posts: 181

    Sep 16, 2012 4:16 PM GMT
    Don't date Shy Guys! They're loyal to the Koopa Kingdom!

    215px-Shyguy_MP9.png

    I understand that some people are shy, and I'll go along for as long as I can with them, but at some point they have to nut up and open up. It really is their obstacle to get over, and I don't feel any obligation to hold their hand the whole way, especially when I'm already putting in all this effort to make the dates happen in the first place.
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    Sep 16, 2012 6:30 PM GMT
    FuriousGeorge saidDon't date Shy Guys! They're loyal to the Koopa Kingdom!

    215px-Shyguy_MP9.png

    I understand that some people are shy, and I'll go along for as long as I can with them, but at some point they have to nut up and open up. It really is their obstacle to get over, and I don't feel any obligation to hold their hand the whole way, especially when I'm already putting in all this effort to make the dates happen in the first place.


    LOL. That's soooo cute. +D
  • thadjock

    Posts: 2183

    Sep 16, 2012 7:07 PM GMT
    Myol saidI am pretty introverted but I am not shy. So while I can relate to some of the feelings of shy guys, they are the one group I have the most difficulty with in building relationships.

    Again, 99.9% of my relationships with shy guys fizzle this way. Thoughts?


    your post describes goin on a date, not building a relationship, those are two very different things.

    i've never been shy, grew up around 4 brothers and a military dad and i've always asserted myself fairly aggressively in all areas of my life. so I'm used to being the initiator, alpha, leader, whatever you want to call it, on a date too. Also, i don't require constant positive affirmation feedback from a date, I"m self assured and self aware enough that i don't need a guy to be falling all over me to make me feel like it was a good date.

    I do find painfully shy or passive guys really frustrating and unacceptable company. I can't stand when guys won't express an interest or preference when even simple decisions are up for discussion like "what do you feel like eating". I"m willing to carry the majority of the conversation but if you can't hold your own, I probably won't be back for seconds.

    I tend to be attracted to guys with a certain self sufficiency about them, and strong individualistic tendancies, but i've also been on dates where we spend the entire time clashing because we're both "type A's" to the extreme.

    bottom line is it's all about chemistry.

    makes all the difference, you gotta find that balance, if it was easy, nobody would want it so bad.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 16, 2012 7:23 PM GMT
    Myol... I am a shy guy myself...But...

    Isn't this more of a respect factor also?
    I would feel really awful to put my date in a position where he is struggling to make the time spent enjoyable...

    ...So is this about being shy? Or is it more about being self centered?
    Like I said..I am a shy guy also..But there comes to a point where your inner voice should say...
    "Get Over Yourself"...This wonderful person made all this effort to be in your company! Show some gratitude! Do what you can to make him feel welcome!

    ..When you’re sitting there going.. “I’m nervous"..."I'm nervous"...”I'm nervous"...
    Aren't you just thinking about yourself???...Think about how he feels?
    How about "I'm nervous"..."He might be too"...”Let me make sure he enjoys my company"..??
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    Sep 16, 2012 7:54 PM GMT
    FuriousGeorge saidDon't date Shy Guys! They're loyal to the Koopa Kingdom!

    215px-Shyguy_MP9.png

    I understand that some people are shy, and I'll go along for as long as I can with them, but at some point they have to nut up and open up. It really is their obstacle to get over, and I don't feel any obligation to hold their hand the whole way, especially when I'm already putting in all this effort to make the dates happen in the first place.


    QFT

    By the time you're in your 40s, the shyness thang gets a bit worn out. icon_rolleyes.gif
  • thadjock

    Posts: 2183

    Sep 16, 2012 8:53 PM GMT
    Anocxu saidMyol... I am a shy guy myself...But...

    Isn't this more of a respect factor also?
    I would feel really awful to put my date in a position where he is struggling to make the time spent enjoyable...

    ...So is this about being shy? Or is it more about being self centered?
    Like I said..I am a shy guy also..But there comes to a point where your inner voice should say...
    "Get Over Yourself"...This wonderful person made all this effort to be in your company! Show some gratitude! Do what you can to make him feel welcome!

    ..When you’re sitting there going.. “I’m nervous"..."I'm nervous"...”I'm nervous"...
    Aren't you just thinking about yourself???...Think about how he feels?
    How about "I'm nervous"..."He might be too"...”Let me make sure he enjoys my company"..??


    i don't think it's about being inconsiderate i think it's just the way shy guys are wired, i used to think it was a trait someone would grow out of or get over with time and experience but some guys are just not programmed to be extroverts, and the more they try and force it the less appealing it is.

    it's pretty obvious when someone is shy and it doesnt' offend me if they can't engage in the same way i do, i can break the ice with almost anybody and put them at ease but my challenge is to not be too overwhelming and scare them..lol
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    Sep 16, 2012 9:04 PM GMT
    ThadJock i hear ya'..
    Some people are wired that way and they just can't help it!
  • thadjock

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    Sep 16, 2012 9:08 PM GMT
    Anocxu saidThadJock i hear ya'..
    Some people are wired that way and they just can't help it!


    u don't seem like u'd be shy,

    anyway i'm pretty sure i could switch u on
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    Sep 16, 2012 9:18 PM GMT
    thadjock said
    Anocxu saidThadJock i hear ya'..
    Some people are wired that way and they just can't help it!


    u don't seem like u'd be shy,

    anyway i'm pretty sure i could switch u on


    icon_eek.gif I'm pretty sure i'd apreciate and enjoy every minute of it!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 16, 2012 9:22 PM GMT
    Well, in all honesty, my current boyfriend is really shy.

    In my honest opinion, shy guys make excellent boyfriends. Mine has taught me that you have to have a little patience for them to open up to you. Of course, now that I look back at when we first met and compare to now, I see the difference. It's worth the time investment. Shy guys make some of the most loyal guys too, and once they are comfortable with you, they give you all the love in the world.

    I say that to say that if you're on a date and there isn't a lot of conversation, it's ok to be the one to start. It only gets better once you find out the shy boy likes you, but just doesn't yet feel comfortable opening up. Give it time...

    Cheers,

    Sean
  • Drift

    Posts: 217

    Sep 16, 2012 9:35 PM GMT

    Being shy and being passive are also different things, although I think a very shy guy would find it more difficult to present his opinions and wishes upon others, especially the person that is making them shyer!

    I grew up painfully shy, and still it haunts me a lot, though sometimes you wouldn't know it. A lot of it is about safety and comfort, in knowing that you can make ventures you normally wouldn't, including in conversation.
    Sometimes it takes finding the right key/topic. Sometimes it just takes knowing the person for a long time before they're able to open up.

    Yes it is more work. But is it not also work to guide a very strong willed and stubborn person?

    Are you willing to gift that person with that effort?

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    Sep 16, 2012 9:44 PM GMT
    Myol saidI am pretty introverted but I am not shy. So while I can relate to some of the feelings of shy guys, they are the one group I have the most difficulty with in building relationships.

    From that should we assume that you date a range of guys, not just the shy? Then perhaps the shy ones just aren't your best match. Nothing wrong with them per se, simply not what works well for you. Just like you might not be content with overly extroverted guys, either.

    Different formulas work for different guys, it's not one-size-fits-all. And bottom line: whatever works for a couple, works. Two competing bits of folk advice you'll hear are "Birds of a feather flock together" versus "Opposites attract." So which is it?

    In my case it's a bit of both: guys who are like me in temperament & interests, but opposite & complimentary in abilities. I wouldn't get along with a shy guy, no matter how sweet he is, and many are. When I'm socializing I'd want him right beside me, meeting people, getting involved in the conversations.

    Whereas his sitting in the corner alone, or preferring to stay home rather than going out, would not please me. My partner's own late partner was very shy, had a difficult time at parties, and my partner has told me that was the biggest conflict they had. But he & I are both on the extroverted side, and just thrive together in social situations, perfectly matched, neither holding the other back.

    Yet we are opposites in many of the talents we have, as I've mentioned in other threads. He cooks, I don't. I do mechanical & computer stuff, he doesn't. But together we make a fairly competent team covering lots of the bases of modern day life, without being in competition with each other. And still, we can sit and watch the same TV programs together, listen to the same radio channels in the car, eat the same foods, because we're alike in those ways.

    And that's what works for us. Not for everyone, obviously, but do consider it as something for yourself. And shy guys may just not be on your menu.
  • thadjock

    Posts: 2183

    Sep 16, 2012 9:46 PM GMT
    GTPSean said
    In my honest opinion, shy guys make excellent boyfriends.


    true, they don't fuss about much when tied up in the bedroom and ur entertaining other friends in the public rooms of your house.
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    Sep 17, 2012 12:44 AM GMT
    Just leave a trail of candy with a box at the end of it to catch them in.
  • O5vx

    Posts: 3154

    Sep 17, 2012 12:52 AM GMT
    I am alot like what you describe in your introduction OP. I need to be stimulated emotionally, intellectually, and there needs to be that feeling that I can converse with this person without it being odd.

    Occasionally, I might nod my head in agreement to what the person is say, but if I don't connect with that person right away, there probably is nothing to come off it. A lot of the time, what is going on in my head is: This guy probably thinks I am odd if he is not trying to engage my opinion in the conversation. or he probably thinks I am boring because I don't listen to cool music and watch those new cool science fiction movies that he watches.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 17, 2012 1:05 AM GMT
    I understand where you're coming from, I'd say I'm introverted but not shy also. The thing I don't understand are the answers using the excuse of shy people don't like to open up to somebody right away. Problem is there's a big difference between opening up like that and being capable of holding a casual conversation with someone. You can have a conversation without opening up completely, it should be a give in that it's respectful to take part in the conversation just as the other person is doing.
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    Sep 22, 2012 9:54 AM GMT
    Great responses on here for sure. Again, I'm pretty introverted so social situations, especially a series of dates take a lot of energy for me. But I guess a part of me somewhat resents the fact that I'm trying my best to make them feel comfortable over several dates and conversations and it feels like the shy guy isn't willing to expend that same energy. I'm a pretty patient guy and don't mind holding their hand part of the way. But I need to see some progress or I lose interest.
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    Sep 22, 2012 10:04 AM GMT
    I generally like shy guys, but I can only take being detoured by a guy before just settling for friendship, if that, when I'm the pursuer. Enough, No's or mind games and I'm done. Shy or not, I at least deserve someone wants me as much as I want them... or relatively close to it.
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    Sep 22, 2012 5:23 PM GMT
    JR_RJ saidI generally like shy guys, but I can only take being detoured by a guy before just settling for friendship, if that, when I'm the pursuer. Enough, No's or mind games and I'm done. Shy or not, I at least deserve someone wants me as much as I want them... or relatively close to it.


    Agreed. icon_smile.gif

    I think we'd get along great together in person, fufufu. ;)B
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 22, 2012 5:31 PM GMT
    I'm painfully shy when I meet anyone for the first time. But I have learned how to work through it and force myself to open up. So the first 10 minutes of meeting someone is hard for me...after that I can be an open book...

    Also another trick is I am like Raj from Big Bang Theory. Give me an alcoholic drink and I can talk...icon_eek.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 22, 2012 9:46 PM GMT
    OP, sounds like the guys you're dealing with aren't necessarily shy, but probably just reserved and more introverted than you are. Shyness refers to social anxiety or timidity in social situations, which can lead to quietness and reservation, but not necessarily.

    I'm moderately introverted as well, and there are a few points to consider when dating introverts:
    1a. We suck at small talk. Conversation for the sake of conversation is tiresome. This may explain general quietness.
    1b. The flip side of that is finding a topic he is genuinely interested in. Because once you initiate a conversation about an introvert's interests, he can talk for hours on end.
    2a. Introverts tend to prefer fewer deep relationships (platonic and romantic) over a greater number of (for lack of better terms) "shallow" relationships. With many introverts, you either click or you don't.
    2b. Introverts are very discerning about whom they open up to. If you really like a guy who's introverted and want him to open up, you need to demonstrate to him that you are trustworthy and not judgmental.

    Just my .02 icon_smile.gif