Am I just a plan B?

  • oilers

    Posts: 13

    Sep 16, 2012 8:22 PM GMT

    So a few weeks ago I got a message from this really cute guy, "hey are you my ex's ex"? And it turns out he dated my ex boyfriend (who I dated for 2.5 years). I guess my ex would always talk about me to this guy, but that's another story

    So me and this guy, lets call him matt, went on a few dates, and we realized that we had both never met anyone in our lives that was so compatible and who shared so many similar interests. I've never hit it off with someone so well, and I love just talking with him and being with him.

    After about four dates I realized were kinda hitting a wall and had not progressed to anything sexually yet. He seemed kinda distant and then he invited me to go to a bar with him randomly. We got drunk, danced, made out and then we talked. Matt mentioned that earlier in the summer he found a guy that he had fallen for but he didn't want anything to do with him, and he was sulking to me about it.

    After a couple of days of not talking to him, I asked him this week through text what was up, and where he wanted to go in terms of a relationship. His answer was:

    "do you want to date or just stay friends?.. I've never met anyone who is so much like myself, and that I get along so well. To be honest you're kinda my type but not exactly my type... I'm so confused what to do... I think we should be friends. I can't keep leading you on like this..."

    To which I just said thanks for telling me, and I never expected to hear from him again. I made up my mind to not to try to win him over. I was really choked, like actually more sad than ending any of my previous relationships.

    The next day he texted me and wanted to chill at university as we were both on campus... we hung out and didn't talk about anything relationship like. Then friday night after coming home from the pub he started texting me all night, wanting to hang out on saturday during the day and we did.

    Last night he invited me for wine and a movie alone at his place. I thought that it meant what wine and a movie usually means. He would move towards me during the movie and then move away. I didn't want to make any big move because just earlier in the week he said he wanted to be friends. So we just watched a movie and chilled. Nothing else.

    He drove me home and I asked him what's his deal. He said he wants to keep hanging out with me until he's ready to date... and that he's still having trouble getting over this guy from earlier in the summer but he's not looking for anyone else.

    Does that mean that I'm just a back up plan? or just a friend?

    I just don't know how i should approach it. I get so many mixed signals and there is definitely some sort of connection. I don't want to seem clingy, so I think I'm just going to stop talking to him for a while and let him figure his shit out. Thoughts?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 16, 2012 9:15 PM GMT

    Does he know how you feel? If so, then my way of dealing with it would be to give him lots of space and if he asks just tell him you have romantic feelings for him.

    -Doug
  • oilers

    Posts: 13

    Sep 16, 2012 9:35 PM GMT
    Yeah. I told him once, and he hesitated and said he wanted to just be friends for now. But then he's always texting me and asking me to hang out.

    Then I told him again last night and he said we should just keep hanging out and take it from there.
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    Sep 16, 2012 10:05 PM GMT

    Well, if you can, then do so. It now depends on how YOU feel, and whether or not you can cope spending time with someone who at this time can't make up his mind. icon_wink.gif *hug*

    I've been in your shoes.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 16, 2012 10:16 PM GMT
    Sadly, yes,
    You're sitting on the back burner.

    Would you want to be friends with Matt if there were no chance of a romantic relationship with him? If you do, let him know that you want to be friends ONLY and you ARE NOT going to be his backup plan.
  • oilers

    Posts: 13

    Sep 16, 2012 10:52 PM GMT
    Thanks for the feedback

    I would like to be friends He said we were kindred spirits, and it's true. It's just so natural in terms of our interests.

    I'm physically going crazy haha. I never fell for someone like this. He says he's not looking at anyone else and that he needs time, and then I see him on Grindr. I would love to continue hanging out with him but I don't know if I can given my current state of mind.

    I might just try to break it off completely. I have an important exam coming up in a few weeks and I can't be like this all the time.
  • Fable

    Posts: 3866

    Sep 17, 2012 12:34 AM GMT
    Can I just sya you is foiiiiiine
  • oilers

    Posts: 13

    Sep 17, 2012 12:54 AM GMT
    icon_cool.gif Thanks Fable, now if just one person in particular thought that haha

  • raen

    Posts: 16

    Sep 17, 2012 1:15 AM GMT
    oilers saidThanks for the feedback

    I would like to be friends He said we were kindred spirits, and it's true. It's just so natural in terms of our interests.

    I'm physically going crazy haha. I never fell for someone like this. He says he's not looking at anyone else and that he needs time, and then I see him on Grindr. I would love to continue hanging out with him but I don't know if I can given my current state of mind.

    I might just try to break it off completely. I have an important exam coming up in a few weeks and I can't be like this all the time.

    I think you should give him time to figure his stuff out but also be there for him as a friend for now. It seems like he values the friendship and that could possibly evolve into something more later on. But it depends on if you can handle just being his friend right now. Just tell him you need to take a break from all the confusion for a couple weeks until after your exam so it doesn't affect your grade.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 17, 2012 1:26 AM GMT
    He's playing a game with you, whether he realizes it or not. Don't fall for it. You have the power. Maybe make HIM feel like Plan B. How? Move on.
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    Sep 17, 2012 1:28 AM GMT
    Only if let yourself be.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 17, 2012 1:36 AM GMT
    He's an idiot if he only wants to be friends with you. You need to tell him again how you feel about him and that he needs to decide once and for all if you are just going to be friends or have a serious relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 17, 2012 1:40 AM GMT
    Hey not trying to be negative here.... but he may be getting over an STD and is protecting you from it. Just looking at this with an open mind.... you never know.
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    Sep 17, 2012 2:39 AM GMT
    Wow this is complicated. But based on the info, I would say you are in the friend zone, but not a back up. I didn't see anywhere where it says he dated the guy, just fell for him, and even admitted to not wanting to have anything to do with him. I don't think he's waiting around for him, just dealing with personal feelings. It seems to me that he is trying to view you romantically, but is having problems. Its obvious you're compatible, but maybe not relationship worthy in his eyes.
    I would say stay friends for now. Let him know how all of this is making you feel. If you like the guy, give him some space and time and see where it goes. Maybe he's just dealing with something that he doesn't want to get you involved in.
  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    Sep 17, 2012 2:48 AM GMT
    Who knows what his deal is, but he's certainly flaky. I think he likes you, but doesn't really feel physical chemistry. You're a hot guy and there are plenty of guys out there that WILL feel chemistry with you in a physical manner. If you want to be friends with him, be friends, but he's trying to leave you as plan B and that isn't fair.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 17, 2012 2:59 AM GMT
    oilers saidYeah. I told him once, and he hesitated and said he wanted to just be friends for now. But then he's always texting me and asking me to hang out.

    Then I told him again last night and he said we should just keep hanging out and take it from there.


    I have lived this story with a guy who meant a lot to me. I mean we spent the Fourth of July together on the beach watching fireworks in Pacifica and having a picnic, just the two of us, with his arm around me. We went back to Palo Alto and laid down in the grass, looking up at the stars and talked. We shared a bed on more than rare occasion, but never progressed to anything too advanced.

    And the guy would not, absolutely would not, date. He wasn't ready to date, he said. He was still trying to get over his ex from a year ago, he said. He thought he wasn't good enough to date me, and so on.

    And I, stupidly, butt my head against that wall for the better part of a year. It was agonizing.

    So my advice is stop yourself now, and move on. Maybe I'm projecting, but you seem like a great guy, and as pointed out someone would have to be stupid to not take you up on your offer. If a guy doesn't find it obvious that you're something special and wants to snap you up, forget it.

    I personally don't want to date a guy who feels ambivalence towards me. I don't want to date Caspar Milquetoast. I want focus and drive, and a man who knows what the hell he wants. And it better be me.
  • oilers

    Posts: 13

    Sep 17, 2012 4:21 PM GMT
    Alright. Well I should see him today, at which point I'm going to tell him that it's one or the other and to stop leading me on. And I'm going to tell him we should take a break from seeing each other. It's just kinda scary haha.
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    Sep 17, 2012 4:33 PM GMT
    oilers saidAlright. Well I should see him today, at which point I'm going to tell him that it's one or the other and to stop leading me on. And I'm going to tell him we should take a break from seeing each other. It's just kinda scary haha.


    Speak warmly and from there *points at oilers chest*.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 17, 2012 4:39 PM GMT
    Holy crap, you're adorable. You'll be someone's Plan A before long. Stay friends with him--for benefits only--but all the rest sounds like a trap. "Not exactly my type..." is an important tell.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 17, 2012 4:41 PM GMT
    Tell him he's emotionally indecisive and he's breaking the cardinal rule of processing an earlier relationship with a potential suitor, which exposes his immaturity and forces you into an additional role of therapist.

    You tell him that, exactly as I said.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 17, 2012 8:28 PM GMT
    Good for you.
    He hasn't shown any respect for you. At the very least you can keep some self-respect and not get strung along or put your life on hold while he figures out what he wants.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 17, 2012 9:49 PM GMT
    oilers saidAlright. Well I should see him today, at which point I'm going to tell him that it's one or the other and to stop leading me on. And I'm going to tell him we should take a break from seeing each other. It's just kinda scary haha.


    You're doing the right thing. Let us know how it goes, and good luck!
  • oilers

    Posts: 13

    Sep 18, 2012 2:15 AM GMT
    Well didn't really see each other today, just talked for a bit, with him and some of my friends. I'm gonna put his pic up in my private photos later to give some context...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 18, 2012 2:52 AM GMT
    oilers saidWell didn't really see each other today, just talked for a bit, with him and some of my friends. I'm gonna put his pic up in my private photos later to give some context...
    His pictures are unnecessary. And I don't know if he'd approve of having his photos on a site without his consent, "private" or not.
  • oilers

    Posts: 13

    Sep 18, 2012 3:11 AM GMT
    Touché