Im reaching the breaking point...

  • Pepsic0la

    Posts: 145

    Sep 17, 2012 12:02 PM GMT
    Im lonely and depressed, and i attribute it to not coming out. I have a family who im just nervous about coming out to. As, i get older though, i think at times, whats more important? making other people happy, or myself? But i just can't find the courage. Im tired of sneaking around, and disappearing to speak to guys when I'm partying out with friends. Can i get some motivation/advice?
  • Pepsic0la

    Posts: 145

    Sep 17, 2012 12:12 PM GMT
    bump...?
  • Pepsic0la

    Posts: 145

    Sep 17, 2012 12:13 PM GMT
    no one? icon_sad.gif
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    Sep 17, 2012 12:17 PM GMT
    Give everybody a minute...

    http://www.hrc.org/issues/pages/bisexual

    http://www.hrc.org/resources/entry/resource-guide-to-coming-out-for-african-americans
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    Sep 17, 2012 12:21 PM GMT
    Have some patience. The board is quiet this time of day.

    I can only give my own experience from 30ish years ago. It is very freeing to come out, even if you have to deal with some less than perfect reactions. It's very hard on your sense of self worth to continually have to hide who you are. So long as you're not putting yourself in physical harm, go for it. I would start with folks you expect will be the most supportive, to get some practice, and to develop a support network in case you need if for times when it may not go so well. Good luck!
  • Pepsic0la

    Posts: 145

    Sep 17, 2012 12:27 PM GMT
    Thats what im thinking - first coming out to close friends. Honestly, the only guys who know I like guys are the ones ive hooked up with.

    Everyone says patience, but im about to turn 24 and im really starting to realize ive been living my life to please other people. Im starting to care less what people think of me, but this is a hell of a hurdle.
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    Sep 17, 2012 12:59 PM GMT
    It is easier if you tell the truth right off the back.. so if you are moving to a different location (i.e. starting a new college, job, etc.) Be sure if the issue presents itself that you address it. But, people always will think that you are straight so it is kind of hard, but just be yourself.
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    Sep 17, 2012 1:04 PM GMT
    You're coming out as bi, correct?

    One obvious item you'll have to deal with is reassuring those who know you well that your newly-revealed interest in men is not merely a consequence of your disappointments with your past female relationships (fiancees caught cheating, etc.)

    As a collegiate psychology major, you'll have easy access to APA guidance on LGBT concerns that will help debunk common misconceptions about "Why you are gay/bi" from your colleagues, friends, and family, especially from a professional perspective.

    http://www.apa.org/pi/lgbt/index.aspx

    Also as active duty in the post-DADT age, you now have a military service that should be freshly boned up on counseling and guidance for LGBT service members.

    http://www.sldn.org/pages/guide-to-open-service

    No matter where your family and friends are on the spectrum of reactions to your coming out, universally these folks are interested in you maintaining your health. And eventually, all will agree the ability to be honest and forthcoming about who you are interested in romantically is healthy, for you and everyone who knows you.

    I agree with the suggestion to start with friends, then siblings (if any), and learning from the responses, reactions, and advice to build up your confidence for your tougher assignments.
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    Sep 17, 2012 1:05 PM GMT
    Pepsic0la saidIm lonely and depressed, and i attribute it to not coming out. I have a family who im just nervous about coming out to. As, i get older though, i think at times, whats more important? making other people happy, or myself? But i just can't find the courage. Im tired of sneaking around, and disappearing to speak to guys when I'm partying out with friends. Can i get some motivation/advice?


    Start out small. First, start out by telling a few close friends. If they're really friends, they won't care. Second, post face pics on here. Maybe that sounds crazy, but everyone on here is gay, bi, or curious. If they aren't, then they're like that hopeless drunk sororiety girl who shows up to a gay bar and thinks she's hit the jackpot bc she has "no one to compete with." (Oops). Its pretty low risk.

    Just take small steps. If you try to do it all at once, its really overwhelming.
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    Sep 17, 2012 2:09 PM GMT
    redsoxfan791 saidStart out small. First, start out by telling a few close friends. If they're really friends, they won't care. Second, post face pics on here. Maybe that sounds crazy, but everyone on here is gay, bi, or curious. If they aren't, then they're like that hopeless drunk sororiety girl who shows up to a gay bar and thinks she's hit the jackpot bc she has "no one to compete with." (Oops). Its pretty low risk.

    Just take small steps. If you try to do it all at once, its really overwhelming.
    This is good advice for you. You're young and there's no magic time when you have to come out. You're clearly thinking about it so that means you're beginning to accept who you really are and starting to weigh that against how others feel, society views and what it would mean to you.

    It is important to care for others and what others think of you but not at the expense of your own happiness. You can have both. Those who love you will love you either way, those who will be critical are generally ignorant of homosexuality, which you can change by setting a good example, or not happy themselves, which means you probably don't need them adding a negative dynamic to your life.

    You have a good support system here on RJ, look in the community for other groups of young guys coming out and it's always good to have a therapist that you can honestly open up to. It helps to have someone reinforcing the positives in your life, you're not alone and don't need to be depressed. The world is a big place with lots of excitement, go find what you like, be who you are and love those who love you. The rest will have to wait at the train station because it's time for your train to depart! Good luck.
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    Sep 17, 2012 2:11 PM GMT

    That fact that you're here and asking this means you're on the right track.

    warmly,
    -Doug of meninlove
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    Sep 17, 2012 2:29 PM GMT
    TheGuyNextDoor saidDo you still live at home? If not, go out and find your way, and make your life be about what you want it to be. I moved in with a gay friend at 21 (my first place) and made my life just that. My life. Your family will still love you. Your real friends will still love you. Coming out does not have to be a really big deal at all unless you choose to make it that. You're an adult by now. Make you own choices and be a man.
    It's time.

    ^ ^ ^ ^
    This!
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    Sep 17, 2012 2:59 PM GMT
    However you approach it, I hope you'll consider this: the closer you get to coming out, the worse you'll feel. The anxiety and depression so many of us feel when they are getting towards coming out can be crippling. Fortunately, it's only on one side of it. When you come out, you may have to deal with fall out, but the depression and especially the anxiety will be gone.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Sep 17, 2012 3:06 PM GMT
    Well you know it is different for each of us. You are 23 and live in Omaha, NE. While I think where you live (in this country) makes less difference than your financial ability to cope (you must always assess your ability to stand on your own if your family refuses to support you. You know your financial situation. It gives you much more confidence about this decision if in fact you can stand on your own financially and build on your principles.

    You didn't say much about your family other than you were nervous about giving them the news. You know your family.. when (and I said "when", not "if") you tell them should be carefully considered. Do you call them together (as in a family meeting) and tell them, or do you tell them one by one? Just remember, there isn't a right or wrong answer.

    In the end, it is your long term happiness that is the most important. Acceptance of yourself and living your life the way that means the most.
    If you feel you can't do it now.... plan how it will be done and when. That is some progress! Good luck and keep us informed!
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    Sep 17, 2012 3:41 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    That fact that you're here and asking this means you're on the right track.

    warmly,
    -Doug of meninlove

    This^
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    Sep 17, 2012 3:51 PM GMT

    Pepscic0la, here's synchronicity at work; just look:

    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/2675899
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    Sep 17, 2012 3:55 PM GMT
    What would we do without Meninlove ???
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Sep 17, 2012 3:59 PM GMT
    Pepsic0la saidThats what im thinking - first coming out to close friends. Honestly, the only guys who know I like guys are the ones ive hooked up with.

    Everyone says patience, but im about to turn 24 and im really starting to realize ive been living my life to please other people. Im starting to care less what people think of me, but this is a hell of a hurdle.


    If you don't want to patient then don't be. Come out today, right now. I came out when I was 15. I think you've deprived yourself long enough already. You'll never be straight so the least you can be is true to yourself. icon_smile.gif
  • tazzari

    Posts: 2923

    Sep 17, 2012 4:06 PM GMT
    I started to come out big time at about your age. But I had been out to close friends since high-school. I was in two professions in which coming out could cause me to loose my job, and I was lonely and scared shitless.

    So I started coming out to just one or two close friends, then more, and ended the process years later by outing myself in in international ski magazine.

    In other words, it was incremental. But in every case, I felt more and more liberated, more and more energized, more and more empowered, and altogether better about myself, and more honest and open. At one point I was even wearing Gay-themed T-shirts at training camps, and after a bit of nervousness, it felt great.

    All that was built on having established myself as a good worker, trustworthy, and winning respect in my field, so people tended to judge me on ME, not as a stereotype. if you have real friends, and if you have won respect, they will go on respecting you. If they don't - don't allow them to run your life.

    You won't find someone to breach that loneliness until you come out. it's a big bump to get over, but you won't end your loneliness by staying in the closset.
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    Sep 17, 2012 4:07 PM GMT
    Pepsic0la saidIm lonely and depressed, and i attribute it to not coming out. I have a family who im just nervous about coming out to. As, i get older though, i think at times, whats more important? making other people happy, or myself? But i just can't find the courage. Im tired of sneaking around, and disappearing to speak to guys when I'm partying out with friends. Can i get some motivation/advice?


    I have argued this myself and I still do today.

    "Am I doing what is right? Am I straying from my path? Am I hurting someone else? Did I do such and such right? Was in the right when I did this?" It's... all really hard to know what way is the correct way to go about doing such things in life.

    Coming out? That's hard too, especially when you are surrounded by people who may be religious or homophobic. I had to deal with such things when I came out being bisexual.

    I helped one of my friends come out and it was pretty hard. If you want and find it helpful, I can share some stories with you through email. icon_smile.gif
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    Sep 17, 2012 4:10 PM GMT
    Anocxu saidWhat would we do without Meninlove ???

    I know..tumblr_m7zycaZRcD1r4h8q9.gif
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    Sep 17, 2012 5:36 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    Pepscic0la, here's synchronicity at work; just look:

    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/2675899

    Agree, you should read this and know that you too can do this. When you're ready, you can begin the journey to living a new life.
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    Sep 17, 2012 6:01 PM GMT
    haven't posted here much, but this seems like a good place to start.


    There is never going to be a good time to come out, or break the news that your bi. It is a fact of life like many others. You've come to the place where you know who you are, but you are still living with a facade in front of you, and its taxing; emotionally, physically and mentally. But know that the fear and terror of telling that first person is a made up state of mind. Its still going to be hella scary beacuse you have to go throught the experience for yourself to realize that its not as bad or as big of a chore that you initially thought it would be. Stick to friends first if you are really worried. Many of them will have overwhelmingly positive reactions and surprise you in a good way. I was icon_smile.gif
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    Sep 17, 2012 6:06 PM GMT
    I was lucky enough to spill the beans at 18 years old. I have an overly religious mother who's against my reality, but she still loves her son. Your family can judge you, but they won't hate you (I hope)

    As TheGuyNextDoor mentioned, moving out works out best. Considering your already at that age. Writing your folks letter or something could be best for you.

    Being on the DL is no fun and it puts you at a higher risk of getting hurt than simply being honest with yourself and those closest to you.
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    Sep 17, 2012 6:08 PM GMT
    When I came out decades ago, in a far more hostile world, I didn't go around sniveling and asking a bunch of strangers what I should do. I just decided myself and did it. Grow a pair, quit your whining, and do whatever you decide.