Coming out

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    Sep 17, 2012 3:46 PM GMT
    Over the last couple years I felt a sense of isolation toward everyone. I had been hiding my sexuality for a great deal of years. Initially I thought I was into both genders and suppressed my homosexuality by sleeping around with girls. It worked at first, but as I grew older I found myself needing the aid of alcohol or weed to fuel my desires for the female anatomy. And eventually those aids began failing me. Upon hitting 17, I experimented for the first time with a guy about 19-20, with this encounter; I was overcome with a great passion like no other. For the first time, I had felt a deeper physical connection to someone.

    Earlier on in the realisation of my sexuality, I would go months at a time concluding every night with a sick feeling in my stomach tossing up between the options of living the next day and continuing to put up a front to ensure no-one would find out about me or not living at all. Never did the thought of coming out cross my mind due to the fact that I was scared, confused and had no clue how anyone would handle my secret. It took a great toll on me and from a creative stance, I found myself immersing myself into creating darker themed art. Painting and drawing skulls, people in fetal positions and so forth.

    In terms of my friends, I was always scared of the conversations surrounding sex and girls. My fear of being figured out had even been stressed to the point where I would be conscious of how I reacted if any topless male or female appeared on a TV screen and if my reactions were synonymous to how any straight person would react. "Do I look away for this guys underwear commercial or is it normal to watch on?" "Should I point out that this girl has great tits or ignore it so I dont come across as over compensating?" "Should I even say anything or does that position me to be hiding something." My phone was my bell in this situation in the respect that I could pretend I was preoccupied, saving myself from the social behaviour that was or wasnt expected from me.


    At around the age of 18 I had reached breaking point. I was at the gym with my best mate and his other mate. As I made a cheeky joke to my best mate's mate saying "Ouft what a sexy cunt." (cunt is thrown around very fucking casually in 'straya) His response saw me being embarrassed as hell as he laughed and mocked me calling me a faggot. Usually, my mates, and from observation, most straight guys tend to be able to call eachother sexy and compliment eachother as long as a 'no homo' atmosphere is established. In this case, I thought it was and I was surprised and internally hurt by his reaction. I wasn’t sure if he was suspicious of me, or was just joking. A wave of deep fear returned and that sinking feeling in my stomach hit hard. My heart raced, I was dying inside...
    After that gym session I dropped my best mate home and throughout the whole car ride he knew something was up. The longest 20 minutes of my life (and probably his) could be explained by the cold silence that oozed out of me and into the atmosphere. As I arrived home I proceeded to throw myself around the room In emotional pain. My fear of how people would react to my sexuality had been falsely established my best mate's mate's reaction.

    My best mate had later texted me asking what was wrong and after replying with the admission that I was close to attempting an eternal silence, I had received a life changing call. Initially I ignored his first call, staring at the phone with indifference. After the third ring of the second call I had gathered the strength to pick up. Strength alone was not enough as all I could string together were descriptions of how I was feeling. “Im scared…”, “I cant deal with this…”, “I am so tired…” A long pause was preceded with his declaration of trust. “Listen bro, no matter what you have to say, what you are dealing with or whatever is going through your head, it does not matter. You’re my brother and I love you no matter what. Whatever you have to say, just say it and I promise nothing will change.” That deep tremble in his voice had told me to shut the fuck up and man the fuck up. I told him I was into guys and following that was another silence. I had no idea it was possible for my stomach to churn even more than it had already churned.
    Upon that he hung up the phone and sent me a message telling me to fuck right off and to never speak to him again. (Just joking) He told me not to worry and he did not give a fuck. It was the most liberating experience of my life. Never had I ever felt so relieved, the greatest of all burdens had disappeared. I felt saved.
    Although this feeling was short lived as I was still forced to put up the front to everyone else I was close to. And occasionally that horrible feeling would resurface.

    We have a very tight knit of mates of both gender (all straight) with strong personalities. Most of the reason I was so scared is because I was often confronted (misinformed) by their disproval of homosexuality through gay jokes and so forth. The added fact that half of the group are either Muslim or come from very conservative families did not help either. It wasn’t until a year and sleepless nights later that I could finally, with the help of my best mate, tell every one of the eleven close people about myself. Not one person has turned away in disapproval. The opposite has happened where in light of my situation, I am now closer to everyone due to the fact that I am no longer conscious of the petty fears that had built up inside. I can be myself and can find humor and comfort in contributing my own stories in the topic of sex and so forth. I am now at a point in my life where I am almost comfortable with myself. No one else knows about me but at least I have told the hardest ones and already feel accepted.

    I feel lucky as shit and these feelings have been translated into my “this too shall pass” tattoo and my sleeve tattoo (of a crow trying to save a lone wolf from the burden of death and depression) to serve as a reminder to never let myself spiral into the negative thoughts that constantly put me on edge.

    I realize I have written an essay and a half but hopefully someone who’s contemplating coming out can read this and somehow relate and find inspiration.
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    Sep 17, 2012 3:53 PM GMT
    Bumping this topic so it doesn't get lost. That was a great read and I've posted a link to it from this topic, where the OP is struggling.
    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/2675641


    Thanks, eh? icon_wink.gif
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    Sep 17, 2012 3:58 PM GMT
    ahaha thanks mate icon_smile.gif i also forgot to mention in the story that reading alot of coming out stories on RJ was another factor that helped me tell my mate and it wasnt that scene at the gym alone that acted as a catalyst.
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    Sep 17, 2012 4:05 PM GMT


    Even better. icon_wink.gif

    Something some guys should consider when they put down RJ as being shallow etc.

    (I really want to keep this topic up top. You have a great sense of humour, you know)
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    Sep 17, 2012 4:15 PM GMT
    hahaha the problem is the tl;dr part of the story but
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    Sep 17, 2012 4:20 PM GMT
    melbourne92 saidhahaha the problem is the tl;dr part of the story but


    Some things can't be explained in just a few words, and when well written, a longer explanation draws and invites the reader in. icon_wink.gif

    ...like, well, yours.
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    Sep 17, 2012 5:34 PM GMT
    Wow, well first congrats! I think almost every gay guy that has come out, regardless of age, has a story about the fear that overcame them before coming out. Your story seems to ring so true of so many guys. I've been blessed with being able to support numerous guys here on RJ during their journey of coming out and each has faced very similar fears, as did I. What's interesting is that every single one, without exception, ended up just like you! Relieved, content, physically, mentally and emotionally recharged and ready to renew their lives with the knowledge that the ones who love us and care about us the most, don't care for us because of our sexuality but because of who we are inside.

    Your story brings tears of both joy and sorrow. Joy for not giving up on that climb to the top of YOUR mountain and sorrow that you, Pepsic0la and so many others continue to find struggle in being who you are simply because of the fears of how we feel our society will view us.

    Thank you for sharing your story, it is a story that any and every gay guy coming out should read. It's a story of determination, strength and love, but most of all, it's a story that shared, can help so many others find the courage to follow you up THEIR mountain.

    Congrats again and a BIG hug!
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    Sep 17, 2012 7:16 PM GMT
    It's awesome. I'm so happy, you found your inner harmony in your life. Your well-written story is definitely a huge inspiration for closeted guys, who're still struggling with their sexuality. I wish one day, this topic is not a big deal anymore. Wishing you all the best in your "new life".

    Congratulations and a big hug from me too icon_smile.gif
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    Sep 17, 2012 8:30 PM GMT
    I'm glad that your friends took it so well, and that you are happier as a result! Nice one mate.

    bear-hug.gif

    P.S. you have an engaging, genuine feeling and humorous writing style- write more!
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    Sep 17, 2012 8:39 PM GMT
    You got loyal friends, especially your best mate and he loves you because you're a great guy which is all that matters. Glad to hear that icon_biggrin.gif
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    Sep 17, 2012 8:40 PM GMT
    Thank you for your submission. It really helps me and makes me feel more confident wanting to come out. I already feel awful being almost 22 and not out already.
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    Sep 17, 2012 9:05 PM GMT
    This is just one of those opening posts that had to be "Full lenght"
    No way around it!
    I'm happy for you!.. I'm glad that your friends gave you the foundation strenght you needed..
    I hope this will lead by example for other readers.
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    Sep 17, 2012 9:08 PM GMT
    well i couldn't read it all but it seems that u successfully came out , well congratulations !! lol
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    Sep 17, 2012 9:13 PM GMT
    congrats on coming out!
    i didnt read, but i assumed it all ends there so, yeah!

    and ur cute
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    Sep 18, 2012 5:37 AM GMT
    Thanks for all the kind words and support guys hahaha