I'm caught between my mom and my sister

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 17, 2012 8:58 PM GMT

    ********Topic Closed************

    I pretty much have gained clarity on the problem at hand thanks to my fellow RJers.






    Original Post:

    Hello fellow RealJockers I am in a (moral?) dilemma that I would like some opinions.

    A little background: I currently live with my sister, and she recently came out to my mom last year. For more details see this thread:http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/1966796

    The story doesn't end there though. My sister went on and dated a girl who I do like a lot as a person and I got along with her well. However, when my mom found out about them, she (through very diabolical ways, details omitted) made my sister break up with this girl. This happened last January when my mom was visiting us in NYC.

    Life went on, with (allegedly) my sister's broken heart. Or at least I thought.

    Now, last Saturday, when I was walking on the streets with my BF and another fellow ex-RJer, we bumped into my sister and her "ex" girlfriend walking together. It became obvious to us that they've secretly seeing each other all this time. I was a little shocked, because:

    1. My sister obviously did not break up with her, so she's been lying to my mother (and me) all this time.

    2. Frankly I was a little puzzled because I am not opposed to their relationship. With that said, I can understand if she wanted to keep the relationship ultra secretive, even from me, just in case our mom founds out.

    Now I am caught in the middle. I approve of this relationship and it's obvious that they love each other. At the same time though, I do not want to lie to my mom, which my sister is asking me to do.

    I wish I didn't bump into them on the streets. But what's done cannot be undone, and I would like to hear what you think. For now my strategy is just avoid the conversation as much as possible by walking away. I know it's not the best thing to do but I really feel like I am caught in the middle. I don't want to hurt my sister but I don't want to hurt my mom. Now my mom is visiting us again and she's probably going to stay for a month or so. I am already stressed out.

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    Sep 17, 2012 9:05 PM GMT
    you are a horrible person , just keep their secret its no big deal , dont be a baby...
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    Sep 17, 2012 9:05 PM GMT
    Well let's see..

    Look at this: "1. My sister obviously did not break up with her, so she's been lying to my mother (and me) all this time.

    2. Frankly I was a little puzzled because I am not opposed to their relationship. With that said, I can understand if she wanted to keep the relationship ultra secretive, even from me, just in case our mom founds out."



    and then at this:

    "Now I am caught in the middle. I approve of this relationship and it's obvious that they love each other. At the same time though, I do not want to lie to my mom, which my sister is asking me to do."

    I'm thinking that she lied to you because she did not want you to have to lie to your Mom.

    I think she's not asking you to lie to your mom; you discovered her secret, which is a whole different thing.

    My advice is lie to your Mom, that is, a lie of omission. Mom thinks they've broken up, so don't say other-wise.

    warmly
    -Doug
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Sep 17, 2012 9:09 PM GMT
    Honestly though. You should be on ur sister's side 100%
    Your mother tried to weezle her way in and sabotage ur sister's relationship and ur having trouble choosing sides?

    Your sister deserves to be happy with whoever she chooses. And if she needs to lie to you, so u dont tell ur mother, then I say good for her. She's doing what she needs to do. She doesn't need you or your mother interfering with her love-life.
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    Sep 17, 2012 9:12 PM GMT
    mind your own business; let her mind her's.
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    Sep 17, 2012 9:12 PM GMT
    Your sister has the right to date anybody she wants, and to inform anybody she wants in regards to this, and by the same token, not inform anybody she pleases.

    Your mother has no moral 'right' to dictate who your adult sister should love, nor to even be involved in her adult children's relationships beyond their permission, and so, if after the initial bad reaction from her introducing her partner to your mother, your sister made the subsequent decision to no longer keep her mother privy to her relationship status and with whom (for however long), that is nobody else's business, including yours, to divulge.

    It seems like your sister was trying to spare you the awkward situation of being caught in the middle, so, it would be decent of you, imo, to return the favour of sparing her feelings and right to privacy, by not disrespecting her wishes through informing your mother.

    You simply have to omit telling your mother, as we all omit things to varying degrees in life to our parents, as opposed to telling her a direct, positive lie.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Sep 17, 2012 9:15 PM GMT
    As far as I can tell, you and your sister are ADULTS, and free to love whomever you choose. And, as ADULTS, this is none of your mother's business.

    If I was in your place, I'd tell your sister, if your mother asks, you're not going to lie. Why ? Because, sooner or later, your mother will find out.

    In the mean time, send your mother copies of "Romeo and Juliet" and "West Side Story."
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    Sep 17, 2012 9:16 PM GMT
    Lie, buddy, or at least change the subject if it comes up. Your sister deserves your support. Your mom does not, at least in this.
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    Sep 17, 2012 9:17 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    Well let's see..

    Look at this: "1. My sister obviously did not break up with her, so she's been lying to my mother (and me) all this time.

    2. Frankly I was a little puzzled because I am not opposed to their relationship. With that said, I can understand if she wanted to keep the relationship ultra secretive, even from me, just in case our mom founds out."



    and then at this:

    "Now I am caught in the middle. I approve of this relationship and it's obvious that they love each other. At the same time though, I do not want to lie to my mom, which my sister is asking me to do."

    I thinking is that she lied to you because she did not want you to have to lie to your Mom.

    I think she's not asking you to lie to your mom; you discovered her secret, which is a whole different thing.

    My advice is lie to your Mom, that is, a lie of omission. Mom thinks they've broken up, so don't say other-wise.

    warmly
    -Doug


    Thanks Doug! ^_^ That's what I plan to do. I am just a terrible liar though. See, I'm scientist and a teacher. So telling truth is like, embedded in my subconscious.
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    Sep 17, 2012 9:19 PM GMT
    Import saidHonestly though. You should be on ur sister's side 100%
    Your mother tried to weezle her way in and sabotage ur sister's relationship and ur having trouble choosing sides?

    Your sister deserves to be happy with whoever she chooses. And if she needs to lie to you, so u dont tell ur mother, then I say good for her. She's doing what she needs to do. She doesn't need you or your mother interfering with her love-life.


    I said from the beginning I support this relationship. 100% I just feel bad about the lying part. I also told my sister that if the shit hits the fan, I have her back. ^_^




    tailgater_3 saidmind your own business; let her mind her's.


    I am trying to. It's my mom who is asking me and probing, and I'm not sure how I need to act. Do I tell her to mind her own business? I have done it before but it's fallen on deaf ears.
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    Sep 17, 2012 9:26 PM GMT
    METAMORPH saidYour sister has the right to date anybody she wants, and to inform anybody she wants in regards to this, and by the same token, not inform anybody she pleases.

    Your mother has no moral 'right' to dictate who your adult sister should love, nor to even be involved in her adult children's relationships beyond their permission, and so, if after the initial bad reaction from her introducing her partner to your mother, your sister made the subsequent decision to no longer keep her mother privy to her relationship status and with whom (for however long), that is nobody else's business, including yours, to divulge.

    It seems like your sister was trying to spare you the awkward situation of being caught in the middle, so, it would be decent of you, imo, to return the favour of sparing her feelings and right to privacy, by not disrespecting her wishes through informing your mother.

    You simply have to omit telling your mother, as we all omit things to varying degrees in life to our parents, as opposed to telling her a direct, positive lie.


    Thanks for your reply. I think that pretty much answers my question. ^_^

    I always knew that the answer is quite obvious. I just want to have the moral support of my fellow RJers that's all. ^_^
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    Sep 17, 2012 9:36 PM GMT
    Why would your mom not want your sister to be happy?

    Your sister probably didn't want to drag you in the middle of this.
    Now that you know, you can find some middle ground between supporting your sister and being in the middle of the lying and sneaking around.
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    Sep 18, 2012 3:18 AM GMT
    CityRiver said
    Import saidHonestly though. You should be on ur sister's side 100%
    Your mother tried to weezle her way in and sabotage ur sister's relationship and ur having trouble choosing sides?

    Your sister deserves to be happy with whoever she chooses. And if she needs to lie to you, so u dont tell ur mother, then I say good for her. She's doing what she needs to do. She doesn't need you or your mother interfering with her love-life.


    I said from the beginning I support this relationship. 100% I just feel bad about the lying part. I also told my sister that if the shit hits the fan, I have her back. ^_^




    tailgater_3 saidmind your own business; let her mind her's.


    I am trying to. It's my mom who is asking me and probing, and I'm not sure how I need to act. Do I tell her to mind her own business? I have done it before but it's fallen on deaf ears.


    Damn it - are you a grown man or not? Tell you meddling bitch of a mother to "mind her business" and leave it at that!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 18, 2012 4:12 AM GMT
    qaz12 said
    CityRiver said
    Import saidHonestly though. You should be on ur sister's side 100%
    Your mother tried to weezle her way in and sabotage ur sister's relationship and ur having trouble choosing sides?

    Your sister deserves to be happy with whoever she chooses. And if she needs to lie to you, so u dont tell ur mother, then I say good for her. She's doing what she needs to do. She doesn't need you or your mother interfering with her love-life.


    I said from the beginning I support this relationship. 100% I just feel bad about the lying part. I also told my sister that if the shit hits the fan, I have her back. ^_^




    tailgater_3 saidmind your own business; let her mind her's.


    I am trying to. It's my mom who is asking me and probing, and I'm not sure how I need to act. Do I tell her to mind her own business? I have done it before but it's fallen on deaf ears.


    Damn it - are you a grown man or not? Tell you meddling bitch of a mother to "mind her business" and leave it at that!


    Damn it, are you trolling me not? Read the underlined part again.

    and as I said, topic is closed.
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    Sep 18, 2012 4:31 AM GMT
    CityRiver said
    METAMORPH saidYour sister has the right to date anybody she wants, and to inform anybody she wants in regards to this, and by the same token, not inform anybody she pleases.

    Your mother has no moral 'right' to dictate who your adult sister should love, nor to even be involved in her adult children's relationships beyond their permission, and so, if after the initial bad reaction from her introducing her partner to your mother, your sister made the subsequent decision to no longer keep her mother privy to her relationship status and with whom (for however long), that is nobody else's business, including yours, to divulge.

    It seems like your sister was trying to spare you the awkward situation of being caught in the middle, so, it would be decent of you, imo, to return the favour of sparing her feelings and right to privacy, by not disrespecting her wishes through informing your mother.

    You simply have to omit telling your mother, as we all omit things to varying degrees in life to our parents, as opposed to telling her a direct, positive lie.


    Thanks for your reply. I think that pretty much answers my question. ^_^

    I always knew that the answer is quite obvious. I just want to have the moral support of my fellow RJers that's all. ^_^


    Completely amazing (or wonderful, or cool, take your pick).





  • kiwi_nomad

    Posts: 316

    Sep 18, 2012 7:04 AM GMT
    curious to know, I assume your mom is OK with you being gay, but why is she freaking out about your sister being gay too?