Long Distance Relationship and having an Open Relationship

  • new_jock1990

    Posts: 10

    Sep 18, 2012 6:32 AM GMT
    SO what do you guys think of long distance relationships and having an open relationship? Is it a good thing or bad?

    That way no one has to feel bad about cheating.

    So my boyfriend left out of state for 4 months for work. We decided to still be dating since he'll be coming back. We have been dating for 4 months. Should we have an open relationship since I don't want to be stressing if he's going to be talking to other people. I should trust him and he should trust me but I don't think we have been dating long enough for me to trust him. Should we break up and or should I wait for him since I do like him a lot and I could see us together for a long time. What do you guys think?
  • FS696

    Posts: 131

    Sep 18, 2012 11:34 AM GMT
    new_jock1990 saidSO what do you guys think of long distance relationships and having an open relationship? Is it a good thing or bad?

    That way no one has to feel bad about cheating.

    So my boyfriend left out of state for 4 months for work. We decided to still be dating since he'll be coming back. We have been dating for 4 months. Should we have an open relationship since I don't want to be stressing if he's going to be talking to other people. I should trust him and he should trust me but I don't think we have been dating long enough for me to trust him. Should we break up and or should I wait for him since I do like him a lot and I could see us together for a long time. What do you guys think?


    I do long.distance but to me why have a relationship if.its open. To me open relationships are nothing more but fuck buddies.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 18, 2012 11:40 AM GMT
    Trust is the key element in a relationship. I hate when people say they open up relationships out of fear that it means he won't cheat on you. Most relationships also do not open up for awhile, I'd reassess your relationship right now.
  • bradsmith

    Posts: 175

    Sep 18, 2012 12:00 PM GMT
    Both of you should talk and decide mutually what works for you. None of what the rest of us have experienced means much other than it was what worked/didn't work for us...don't let that influence you much, that's why we're all individuals.

    Follow your heart.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 18, 2012 12:16 PM GMT
    To do either, both parties need to be very secure mentally. Without that, neither an open nor a long distance relationship will work. So yeah. It would be ideal to be able to do both at the same time.
  • ohioguy12

    Posts: 2024

    Sep 18, 2012 12:56 PM GMT
    Why would you have a relationship with someone you don't trust?
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Sep 18, 2012 1:14 PM GMT
    Whatever happens, it might not be a forever relationship. Why not just let things go and when he comes back pick up where you left off.
    People always change and you might end up missing out on other guys, not in a slutty way, but in a real life way.
  • thadjock

    Posts: 2183

    Sep 18, 2012 1:34 PM GMT
    neither "long distance" nor "open" is a real realtionship

    a relationship is when you live together every day, and are loyal and committed to each other 100%

    stop trying to massage the definition to make loopholes for bad behaviour.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 18, 2012 2:24 PM GMT
    Relationship is defined by the parties involved--not by some extant factors or people outside of the relationship who are not invested in it. Some guys in open relationships have more loving, trusting, and compelling relationships than those who are in "closed" relationships. Indeed, there are people who are purportedly in "closed" relationships who sleep around like no one's business--and this is true of both heterosexual and homosexual people. If you are considering an open relationship because you want an insurance or protection from the emotional hurt that could result from your boyfriend's potential sexual indiscretions, then you're clearly misguided. Long distance open relationships can work, but they require an enormous amount of trust, self-esteem, emotional strength, optimism, etc. etc., etc. They are not for everyone. If you decide, however, that an open relationship is the way to go, you must define the boundaries of that open relationship. Again, no other people can define those boundaries for the two of you. Those boundaries must be defined by you voluntarily, and you must enter into this open relationship knowingly and without any pressure of potential retaliation from your boyfriend. Good luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 18, 2012 2:26 PM GMT
    You guys have only been dating four months. That is not negligible, but the emotional investment isn't quite there yet. One option that no one seemed to mention is four months of celibacy.

    I haven't had sex since January. I'm single, too.
  • new_jock1990

    Posts: 10

    Sep 18, 2012 3:20 PM GMT
    Splitting up doesn't sound like a bad idea... That way we both could see if we both still want to be with each other when he gets back.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 18, 2012 3:22 PM GMT
    thadjock saidneither "long distance" nor "open" is a real realtionship

    a relationship is when you live together every day, and are loyal and committed to each other 100%

    stop trying to massage the definition to make loopholes for bad behaviour.


    And that commitment is the mutually agreed upon understanding between the two of you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 18, 2012 3:27 PM GMT
    Everyone by now probably knows my views on open vs. closed relationships. The boundaries of a relationship are what you agree they are, and if you're going to have an "open relationship" takes a lot of trust, communication and maturity. But I question your definitions - at four months, have your really committed to each other fully? Is this really a big open vs. closed discussion? At four months, you're just dating, there is nothing weird about it not being exclusive yet. I don't really see this as a problem. You're seeing each other now, you're going to continue to see each other while you are apart, and will assess how things are when you're back in the same city. As long as you're both on the same page, problem solved.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 18, 2012 3:41 PM GMT
    The issue here is you have amped up the definition of dating to mean monogamous / engaged to be married.......really at four months? Long distant monogamous relationships are hella stressful and there is no need to go there unless you have already made wedding plans..

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 18, 2012 4:06 PM GMT
    I just got back last week from an 8 month out-of-town work assignment on the other side of the country.

    The guy I'd been dating 4 months before leaving was still here. In fact, that's the first place I went...to his place for some nookie. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 18, 2012 4:33 PM GMT
    BuddyinNYC said
    thadjock saidneither "long distance" nor "open" is a real realtionship

    a relationship is when you live together every day, and are loyal and committed to each other 100%

    stop trying to massage the definition to make loopholes for bad behaviour.


    And that commitment is the mutually agreed upon understanding between the two of you.


    haha I was gonna comment on his post but I like how you did it
  • BlackRussian1...

    Posts: 323

    Sep 18, 2012 4:39 PM GMT
    At four months it's a bit soon to be thinking about this. As far as an open relationship, you need to have a sense of trust, intimacy, and communication that imho needs to be established over a longer period of time for it to work...simply switching to non-monogamy when you started out monogamous just because you're scared of what he or you might do isn't a good reason.

    I know how most feel here about open relationships so I'll leave it alone and just say its a valid option provided you're ready for it. Same with LDR which have their own needs and challenges.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 18, 2012 6:23 PM GMT
    Do what will work between you and him. Talk about it, and figure where you both stand on this first. Otherwise, just speculating about it will get you nowhere man.
  • new_jock1990

    Posts: 10

    Sep 18, 2012 9:09 PM GMT
    showme saidEveryone by now probably knows my views on open vs. closed relationships. The boundaries of a relationship are what you agree they are, and if you're going to have an "open relationship" takes a lot of trust, communication and maturity. But I question your definitions - at four months, have your really committed to each other fully? Is this really a big open vs. closed discussion? At four months, you're just dating, there is nothing weird about it not being exclusive yet. I don't really see this as a problem. You're seeing each other now, you're going to continue to see each other while you are apart, and will assess how things are when you're back in the same city. As long as you're both on the same page, problem solved.


    I really like how you worded this. I think if we change our status to "Dating" instead of "Exclusively Dating" then we could still talk to each other but not worry about hurting each others feelings while he is gone. I will still be here when he comes back.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 18, 2012 11:55 PM GMT
    I don't think there is anything wrong with a long distance relationship. My motto is, "Unless he gives you a reason not to, you can trust him" (There are a few rules though, such as knowing him for long enough and what type of trust you give, general trust, good relationship trust, or 100% trust. No one I know has the last oneicon_sad.gif )
    Personally I don't like the idea of open relationships. It's basically just one partner being okay with the other one cheating. Some people can make them work, but there has to be a really trusting relationship there.
    I would talk to him and tell him how you feel. If he promises to not cheat then trust him. But you need to make sure you're both on the same page. If the relationship is meant to be it'll work, and if he shows his true colors and ends up to be a cheating jerk, then you dodged a bullet.
    I know this doesn't make it any easier for you though.
  • thadjock

    Posts: 2183

    Sep 19, 2012 1:05 AM GMT
    BuddyinNYC said
    And that commitment is the mutually agreed upon understanding between the two of you.


    open relationships are the domain of self involved little boys who never grew up.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 19, 2012 1:14 AM GMT