Dating But He No Longer Wants To Have Intercourse

  • CalmSpirit

    Posts: 24

    Sep 19, 2012 3:01 PM GMT
    After many years of dating guys, this is a first for me so I need some insight or something.

    Situation: I have been dating this guy for about a month now. Our mental and spiritual connection is amazing. We laugh, sing together, etc. Our intimacy (communication, cuddling, kissing, holding each other, etc.) is excellent. Our foreplay and physical connection is is unbelievable based on the way he makes me feel and how he shivers during and after I touch, kiss him, etc.

    So now on to the issue. We have had sexual intercourse twice now, however recently he has said he no longer wants to have intercourse for an unspecified time period, however he is OK with continuing with everything else, foreplay, oral, etc. He says he wants to avoid our relationship becoming just about sex as it had been for him in his past relationships. He says he has never experienced so many emotions like this so soon, he has never met someone he wants to say "I love you" to this soon but knows logically that its too soon for him to feel that way. Neither of us have said the "L" word...yet.

    I could totally understand if all we did was have sex, but it's not. We do so much outside of the bedroom. There have even been times where we have slept together with no foreplay or sex and just held one another.

    I'm starting to feel he is slowly pushing me away out of his own fears or whatever else he may have going on outside of us dating. It's almost like issues are being "created" so that we won't proceed. I'm so confused. I'm starting to regret having intercourse with him now. I guess I'm so use to things just happening naturally, versus someone wanting to put breaks on or wanting to maintain control over certain aspects of a relationship. How does one want to "act" like a couple, but doesn't want to have sex.

    Any insight, similar shared situation, etc. would help. Thanks.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 19, 2012 3:06 PM GMT


    "So now on to the issue. We have had sexual intercourse twice now, however recently he has said he no longer wants to have intercourse for an unspecified time period, however he is OK with continuing with everything else, foreplay, oral, etc."

    If I understand this, you two are having all kinds of sex and lovemaking but only twice has there been anal intercourse?
  • FireDoor211

    Posts: 1030

    Sep 19, 2012 3:07 PM GMT
    Just respect it, I'm sure his reasons make sense to him. Give him time to process his emotions. It's probably more about him needing tO exercise self restraint.
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    Sep 19, 2012 3:11 PM GMT
    Maybe he's not into anal sex, and is making up excuses to refrain from it cause he doesn't have the balls to say it.

    I used to be in his shoes...would do anal (top) occasionally, but made every excuse in the book to get out of it if I could. Finally I decided it just isn't worth the hassle, and now search for other guys who also dislike anal. It's not as uncommon as you might think. icon_wink.gif
  • in_this_corne...

    Posts: 704

    Sep 19, 2012 3:11 PM GMT
    Maybe he just realized he has an STD and doesn't want to tell you out of embarrassment, but doesn't want to give it to you either. Probably not the case, but I've heard of this happening before.
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    Sep 19, 2012 3:15 PM GMT
    Just play it cool. You guys have a great relationship. He just wants to slow it down a bit. This can actually be a good sign. Feeling so much emotion so early can often times smother the flame. The fact that hes doing something about it can mean he wants more than just a 2 month relationship with someone he cares about. While it may suck that you arent having anal anymore, it sounds like you guys have plenty of other activities to help hold you over until hes ready. Good luck!
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19129

    Sep 19, 2012 3:16 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidMaybe he's not into anal sex, and is making up excuses to refrain from it cause he doesn't have the balls to say it.

    I used to be in his shoes...would do anal (top) occasionally, but made every excuse in the book to get out of it if I could. Finally I decided it just isn't worth the hassle, and now search for other guys who also dislike anal. It's not as uncommon as you might think. icon_wink.gif



    ^^^ This ^^^ Maybe he is afraid you will dump him if he admits to you that anal sex is not his thing. Maybe just ask him if that is the case, and if it's not big deal to you, assure him that this is okay. A lot more guys than you may think are not into anal sex, and he may be one them. Hopefully it's not a deal-breaker for you because it sounds like you've found something really good.
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    Sep 19, 2012 3:19 PM GMT
    I can completely relate to this. If everything else is in check, give him time. There is nothing wrong here. Sometimes people process emotions differently and it can get a little confusing, especially if he's had a rough time in the past. Give him space, be there for him, love him and if it is meant to be, you will not regret it.

    (I'd bet his birthday is in May icon_smile.gif)
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Sep 19, 2012 3:32 PM GMT
    in_this_corner saidMaybe he just realized he has an STD and doesn't want to tell you out of embarrassment, but doesn't want to give it to you either. Probably not the case, but I've heard of this happening before.


    This was my first thought, actually.icon_eek.gif

    The other posters who said he might just not be into anal sex bring up a good point. Some guys don't like anal sex, and they need to find other guys with similar feelings. If you're someone who likes anal sex, why would you want to invest in a guy who won't put out???? I wouldn't! All the laughing and singing together stuff you mentioned, you can just as easily do with a friend. If it were me, I'd look for someone you're more compatible with. Then again, if you love him, maybe it's worth sacrificing the sex.icon_neutral.gif
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    Sep 19, 2012 3:35 PM GMT
    LVmoto78 saidI can completely relate to this. If everything else is in check, give him time. There is nothing wrong here. Sometimes people process emotions differently and it can get a little confusing, especially if he's had a rough time in the past. Give him space, be there for him, love him and if it is meant to be, you will not regret it.

    (I'd bet his birthday is in May icon_smile.gif)

    This happened to me once, between transitioning from the broken road, to the feeling of being "home" for once with the guy... I agree with, LV, he just may need time.
    (I was born in July myselficon_neutral.gif)
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    Sep 19, 2012 3:46 PM GMT
    Actually.. i see what your friend is doing....Awkward attempt at preserving this relationship.
    ..He is TrYing to have you two connect on deeper levels that are NOT sexual... (How old is he btw).

    Unfortunately..This Is like.."Working Backwards"..You two are not in sync with this agreement..and you have to let him know!

    ..Take a walk through his mind..
    *He met you..*You hit it off..*He is crazy about you..*You are crazy about him..*The sex is amazing...*Long talks..*Long walks..*Are you the one?

    ..Your boyfriend knows this is how your typical gay relationship starts out..
    He is attempting to build the relationship outside the bedroom!
    Except..you are not sure what's going on...

    Sit him down..talk to him..ThiS..is they only way you'll know for sure.

    Best of luck..Cheer up dude..At least you have a man that cares icon_biggrin.gif


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 19, 2012 3:50 PM GMT
    Anocxu saidActually.. i see what your friend is doing....Awkward attempt at preserving this relationship.
    ..He is TrYing to have you two connect on deeper levels that are NOT sexual... (How old is he btw).

    Unfortunately..This Is like.."Working Backwards"..You two are not in sync with this agreement..and you have to let him know!

    ..Take a walk through his mind..
    *He met you..*You hit it off..*He is crazy about you..*You are crazy about him..*The sex is amazing...*Long talks..*Long walks..*Are you the one?

    ..Your boyfriend knows this is how your typical gay relationship starts out..
    He is attempting to build the relationship outside the bedroom!
    Except..you are not sure what's going on...

    Sit him down..talk to him..ThiS..is they only way you'll know for sure.

    Best of luck..Cheer up dude..At least you have a man that cares icon_biggrin.gif



    ^^^This, cause communication is remedy to many of people's issues, imho*
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 19, 2012 3:52 PM GMT
    The big question is wether this is OK with you? Do you need to fuck
    Him to feel like you have a relationship? Is he OK with an open relationship if you do need the sex he can't provide?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 19, 2012 4:03 PM GMT
    OP- I hate to sound like a judgemental prick, but it kinda sounds like your relationship is based on sex. Let's look at the criteria:

    -You've been dating for one month
    -You've had sex twice
    -You have an amazing spiritual and emotional connection

    So basically I sympathize with him for wanting to take it slow and if he is as worth it as you say he is, you stop talking about how he doesn't put out and deal with it for awhile.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 19, 2012 4:06 PM GMT
    Alpha13 saidThe big question is wether this is OK with you? Do you need to fuck
    Him to feel like you have a relationship? Is he OK with an open relationship if you do need the sex he can't provide?


    ..aaaaahhhhh.. ! If the opening poster presents this to his boyfriend.. It most certainly will yeild doom!!

    Openig up a one month old relationship on terms of confusion and lack of communication..!! For Heaven's sake...no!

    ok..this post broke my heart just a little..logging off.! icon_sad.gif
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    Sep 19, 2012 4:11 PM GMT
    Bullwinklemoos saidOP- I hate to sound like a judgemental prick, but it kinda sounds like your relationship is based on sex. Let's look at the criteria:

    -You've been dating for one month
    -You've had sex twice
    -You have an amazing spiritual and emotional connection

    So basically I sympathize with him for wanting to take it slow and if he is as worth it as you say he is, you stop talking about how he doesn't put out and deal with it for awhile.


    No, it isn't. Sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy is not a zero-sum game. You don't increase one and decrease the other.

    Sex two times in a month isn't a lot, and it's not a little. It's extremely... moderate.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 19, 2012 4:11 PM GMT
    Bullwinklemoos saidOP- I hate to sound like a judgemental prick, but it kinda sounds like your relationship is based on sex. Let's look at the criteria:

    -You've been dating for one month
    -You've had sex twice
    -You have an amazing spiritual and emotional connection

    So basically I sympathize with him for wanting to take it slow and if he is as worth it as you say he is, you stop talking about how he doesn't put out and deal with it for awhile.


    I think they've had sex a lot more (oral etc); he hasn't replied yet but I believe he's referring to anal intercourse. For some that's a 'dealbreaker' which always dismays me a little. icon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 19, 2012 4:19 PM GMT
    meninlove said I think they've had sex a lot more (oral etc); he hasn't replied yet but I believe he's referring to anal intercourse. For some that's a 'dealbreaker' which always dismays me a little. icon_sad.gif

    I hate dealbreakers cause they have the power to overrule an otherwise working relationship if not confronted and talked about.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Sep 19, 2012 4:49 PM GMT
    redacting said
    Bullwinklemoos saidOP- I hate to sound like a judgemental prick, but it kinda sounds like your relationship is based on sex. Let's look at the criteria:

    -You've been dating for one month
    -You've had sex twice
    -You have an amazing spiritual and emotional connection

    So basically I sympathize with him for wanting to take it slow and if he is as worth it as you say he is, you stop talking about how he doesn't put out and deal with it for awhile.


    No, it isn't. Sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy is not a zero-sum game. You don't increase one and decrease the other.

    Sex two times in a month isn't a lot, and it's not a little. It's extremely... moderate.



    At this point in my life I am quite content with my "moderate" long term relationship with the man that I still love, in spite of all of his (and my) mental warts.


    icon_smile.gif
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    Sep 19, 2012 4:52 PM GMT
    rnch said
    redacting said
    Bullwinklemoos saidOP- I hate to sound like a judgemental prick, but it kinda sounds like your relationship is based on sex. Let's look at the criteria:

    -You've been dating for one month
    -You've had sex twice
    -You have an amazing spiritual and emotional connection

    So basically I sympathize with him for wanting to take it slow and if he is as worth it as you say he is, you stop talking about how he doesn't put out and deal with it for awhile.


    No, it isn't. Sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy is not a zero-sum game. You don't increase one and decrease the other.

    Sex two times in a month isn't a lot, and it's not a little. It's extremely... moderate.



    At this point in my life I am quite content with my "moderate" long term relationship with the man that I still love, in spite of all of his (and my) mental warts.


    icon_smile.gif

    That's real life living and loving! icon_razz.gificon_razz.gif
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Sep 19, 2012 4:55 PM GMT
    JR_RJ said...Sex two times in a month isn't a lot, and it's not a little. It's extremely... moderate.



    At this point in my life I am quite content with my "moderate" long term relationship with the man that I still love, in spite of all of his (and my) mental warts.


    icon_smile.gif
    That's real life living and loving! icon_razz.gificon_razz.gif


    Hills & Valleys, good times, bad times.

    Although there has been several times when one/both of us was ready to kick the other to the curb; we still manage to mentally claw our way back to the other.

    All considered, he's still worth keeping around.

    Today, that is.

    Now, ask me next week......


    icon_lol.gif
  • Kain81

    Posts: 39

    Sep 19, 2012 5:12 PM GMT
    Time and time again my friends have come to me with relationship questions seeking advice on how to handle their dating partners or husbands; seeking answers from me and not the person they should be talking to. Time and time again they get my perspective out of me but I always follow it up with, "You are talking to the wrong person. Ask your partner, or BF or whatever because speculating and getting all the wrong information and possibilities will only make it worse for you".

    You need to talk to this guy openly and honestly if you like him as much as you say and want to keep him in your life in place of worrying about all the different possibilities in your own head let alone listening to what everyone else on here also has to say about their viewpoints. Communication is key is any sort of relationship... use your most powerful weapon, instead of your weakest.

    ...Best of luck to you and this guy!
    ~Kain
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 19, 2012 5:27 PM GMT
    standard intercourse is pretty vanilla anyway....maybe you should just skip right into fisting and public prolapses..... you know.....keep the spark alive... icon_twisted.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 19, 2012 5:46 PM GMT
    Egro_Nadley saidstandard intercourse is pretty vanilla anyway....maybe you should just skip right into fisting and public prolapses..... you know.....keep the spark alive... icon_twisted.gif
    How about public asphyxiation? That's always a party favorite. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 19, 2012 5:51 PM GMT
    rnch saidHills & Valleys, good times, bad times.

    Although there has been several times when one/both of us was ready to kick the other to the curb; we still manage to mentally claw our way back to the other.

    All considered, he's still worth keeping around.

    Today, that is.

    Now, ask me next week......


    icon_lol.gif

    Yep, can't build a home with someone without those Hills & Valleys... I've seen family and friends go through the good and bad times. I expect it'd be the same for gay and straight relationships. People are people, they'll have their days and their ways, even in getting to know them. I've been told by a wise friend many moons ago, that if you can make it through the beginning difficult stages, your relationship may last longer, than a relationship that was all roses and perfect at the beginning... but that isn't true for everyone's relationships, but seems plausible enough. I don't a walk in the deep dark woods to get safely home.