I'm too weak to be Gay.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 20, 2012 10:50 PM GMT
    I realize that it takes a strong individual to be a homosexual and live a good life. I honestly think it is not meant for me. Truthfully I feel it's only a matter of time before I give in and commit suicide. I think about overdosing on my pain pills everday and the thought of crashing my car into a tree.

    I always feared death because I was so afraid of me being gay that, it would guarantee my entrance to hell, but I follow a religion that no matter how hard I try (Pentecostal-Christianity) I can't fully conform to what it ask, and that makes me feel like reguardless of whether I end my own life or wait till my time that I will end up in the same place. Hell.

    I can't leave where Im from, because I have a sick parent that needs me, and I just don't have the heart to walk away, but I am stuck in a place ( Alabama) where I can't get married or anything unless I move away, not to mention I deal with homphobia and racism on a daily basis.

    I don't know how to live...
    I just don't. How do you keep going , when you feel you don't have a future. People say getout, but if I have the means to just packup I would.

    I hate myself,
    I hate my life,
    I just hate being me. I want to be someone else.

    I am tired...Im drained, and I am running out of hope.
    I am not strong enough to deal with the criticsm, the condemnation, the bullying, the violence, the predjudice. I can't take another 10 years of this.

    I don't know how to go on. My life isnt my own and I don't know how to get it back. My family doesn't understand and my friends... theres only one who I can even feel comfortable talking about that stuff with.

    I whine alot, I know, but I just am so unhappy that I can't shake thoughts of ending it all.

    How do you guys handle living in a world where people publicly protest your rights. WHere signs are raised that talk about how much you are hated.If the wrong person knew I was gay where I lived, I would surely be murdered...I have already been jumped more times than can count.

    How do you get that strength????icon_sad.gif
    Not just to endure, but to rise above???
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    Sep 20, 2012 10:59 PM GMT
    I think you really should visit your doctor and tell him about your depression and suicidal thoughts- you would benefit a lot from counselling, cognitive behavioural therapy and some medication (for the start of your treatment at least).

    You will keep spiralling down the same self-destructive cycle until then, if not worse.

    Go to see your doctor ASAP. Tomorrow, go to the doctors office and let them know the issue is regarding depression/suicide- they will see you that day and start the process getting you back to being a happy, well functioning, well adjusted human being.

    I wish you the best of luck.

    But, DO it. Help yourself.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Sep 20, 2012 11:01 PM GMT
    Why do you hate being you?
    Can you give a list of things you hate about yourself?

    Can you give a list of things you have done that you can be proud of?
    Can you give a list of things you would like to do or accomplish?

    You might try taking some folic acid every day ... people with depression have been found to be low in folic acid. ... Take it every day and give it about 3 weeks to start working, I think you'll see an improvement. It's really cheap too. You can get it at wal-mart. The side effect might be that your torture soul won't be so tortured anymore and so your writing might not be so deep any more.
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    Sep 20, 2012 11:10 PM GMT
    I agree with METAMORPH. We've been through this, several times now. Jamie, there's no one that can fix the situation you are in but yourself. You keep on drowning in this situation and spiraling downward. You must get help, sick parent or no. I feel you are unfit to take care of anyone else because you can barely take care of yourself, as it is. Please, get some help, seek a counselor, a therapist, an adviser of some kind and get help.
  • tazzari

    Posts: 2937

    Sep 20, 2012 11:59 PM GMT
    You've swallowed a lot of poison. You need to know that a lot of churches welcome gay people and honor an fully include us: we have a gay associate priest, two gay guys on the vestry... and are fully, and joyfully Open and Affirming.

    I felt the way you do, once. Now I am proud of what I have done with my life, proud how I have helped and supported others, and proud how by being open, out and proud, I have changed a lot of minds.

    You have a future and it can be a bight one.

    If you can't leave the ailing parent now, see a doctor about anti-depressants, and reflect how suicide would be leaving that ailing parent in a deeply harmful way. Do what you can now - stay or leave - but take care of YOURSELF too. If you're caring for a parent, you're far from weak - and you should find pride in what you are doing.

    Trapped in the situation? I was too, for a while. But it won't last.

    When you honorably can, get out of there. There are many places where you would be free to be openly gay, accepted at church, find friends.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 21, 2012 12:13 AM GMT
    OP..you have to get some help..!
    There is no reason to end it all..you just need some help on making it better!

    So it seems imposible to make sense of your life at this point..But..That doesn't mean your life will always be this way..!

    ..Talk to a professional ..or at least a good friend for now.. You need some help at this point.
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    Sep 21, 2012 12:39 AM GMT
    You've gotten some good advice here, but I would suggest something to do first. See a doctor. Rule out physical causes before you look into mental ones. Have your thyroid and testosterone levels checked. Talk to your doctor about any physical symptoms you've been feeling. These types of problems are relatively easy to fix with supplementation, but they aren't usually checked unless you go to a doctor and specifically ask. There's no reason to suffer needlessly. If everything checks out, then you can look into getting some psychological help.
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    Sep 21, 2012 12:46 AM GMT
    I think the OP should move away from all he knows and loves to a place where he can be around strangers in a mildly different environment. Either he'll love living somewhere else a lot, and learn to love himself in the process; or he'll see what he is missing back at home and never take his life or homestate for granted again... hopefully, BOTH!
  • bishop65

    Posts: 226

    Sep 21, 2012 12:47 AM GMT
    I felt like this when I was younger and I have to say that you must get professional help. You have to realize that you are valuable and you can rise above what is happening to you now. If you have friends who you can talk to--go talk to them, be with them, let them know how you feel. Tell them you need support. Whatever you do, do not GIVE UP. As cliche as it sounds there are so many fantastic, wonderful possibilities out there for you. You just have to dig in and fight these feelings. But please try to get some professional help--I believe that if you take that first step you'll be able to see that things aren't so bleak.

    Hugs.

    RC
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    Sep 21, 2012 1:10 AM GMT
    The best advice so far is for you to go to a Doctor....and don't wait any longer. Do it for you, you are worth it! icon_wink.gif
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Sep 21, 2012 1:21 AM GMT
    You're strong buddy. Stonger than bad words.
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    Sep 21, 2012 1:39 AM GMT
    Sucicide rates are highest in the western world. All the super powers, full of prescription drugs and doctors telling kids that their is something wrong with them (mentally) and that they need drugs when they are FINE is very disgusting to me. This is why, when I was told I had ADHD, I never did a damn thing about it but lived with it and refused to take these drugs that were supposed to "help"

    Third world countries go through more strife and they (for the most part) aren't prescribed drugs and they learn to deal with it all and live for what they love. Meanwhile the wealthiest of people kill themselves, why?? This is what you should keep in mind. Your happiness isn't on a pedestal.
    A starving family in Ethiopia who don't any other way to live aren't thinking of ways to kill themselves. They are thinking of ways to survive and provide.

    You have a lot to live for. Stay positive.
  • andreduce

    Posts: 76

    Sep 21, 2012 1:45 AM GMT
    METAMORPH saidI think you really should visit your doctor and tell him about your depression and suicidal thoughts- you would benefit a lot from counselling, cognitive behavioural therapy and some medication (for the start of your treatment at least).

    You will keep spiralling down the same self-destructive cycle until then, if not worse.

    Go to see your doctor ASAP. Tomorrow, go to the doctors office and let them know the issue is regarding depression/suicide- they will see you that day and start the process getting you back to being a happy, well functional, well adjusted human being.

    I wish you the best of luck.

    But, DO it. Help yourself.


    This is good advice. You need to talk to someone, VERY soon. If you do not think you can wait until tomorrow, do it tonight even. If you live in or near a town or city with a large hospital, you should be able to go in the ER at any hour, 24/7. If they feel your case is severe enough, they will admit you as an inpatient.

    Other than that, you should keep a free flowing conversation going with that friend you feel comfortable in confiding in. Ask him or her if you can contact them at any time, in case of crisis.

    As for the religious items, I grew up in an Evangelical-Free home and can at least identify with where you are coming from. I think you should try to find some gay Christians on RJ, or elsewhere, and listen to what they have to say. Research. Come up with your own ideas about what you hear and read. I can tell you that as I have become older, my views on what I think God thinks about homosexuality, have for sure changed (Remember, he created us, every part of us, from every single hair on our head to the soles of our feet!!) He knows us, inside and out!! And he also knows you are suffering at the moment..

    I wish you well on your journey to become better sir, and stronger.

    Keep us posted manicon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 21, 2012 1:58 AM GMT
    Once you learn to stop giving a fuck what other people think then you'll start to accept yourself.
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    Sep 21, 2012 2:02 AM GMT
    I'm from Alabama and understand your situation completely. However, their is much more to live for, Jamie.

    Death isn't the absence of just pain. It's the absence of happiness, excitment, surprise, and more awesome emotions. Please keep that in mind.

    You're going to have to do something. From what I understand you seem to be going through the same spiral of emotions, so in order for this to be fixed you're going to have to adjust something in your life.

    Good luck,

    Josh
  • RaggedyMan

    Posts: 7185

    Sep 21, 2012 2:23 AM GMT
    here for you. thinking about it by yourself will make it worse. voice your thoughts.

    nam
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    Sep 21, 2012 2:30 AM GMT
    I suggest you see a counselor of some sort. It is just nice to get things off your chest. Do some research in your area and I'm sure you can find a gay friendly doctor to look at you for free or at a low cost. Seriously.
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    Sep 21, 2012 2:37 AM GMT
    I don't want to go to a therapist or whatever...because I don't want that connotation of being "crazy."

    I use to have panic attacks and my sisters teased me for it.

    I just want... I just want to know that there is a chance for a future for me. I am upset and down right now but more so at the thought that there may never be a chance for me to get what I want.

    aka Married, kids, a future.

    I can't leave my home, unless I leave my dad which I don't want to do. I cant even tell him how I feel because I get the I need Jesus speech.

    I told him I thought about suicide...his words exactly "You know you will go to hell." thats it.

    I just want to find people who dont care that I am gay and who wont break my spirit over it. I always told myself it will get better, but

    I am starting to wonder if it truly does.

    I am 23 and things get worse and worse for me.
    On top of everything else. I have sickle cell anemia so right there, is a chance I wont have a long future anyway.

    My brother was 19 when he died and my mom was 33.

    I just want to know joy, love, and just... something besides heartache, pain, violence, sickness. I just want to have a day where nothing bothers me. I want to smile and for once have it be genuine.

    I just want to be happy but no matter what theres a void that is missing. Theres something tugging at me, but I dont know what it is and no amount of

    Therapist,pills, or whatever is going to give me what I am missing, when apart of me doesnt even know.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 21, 2012 2:43 AM GMT



    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oneness_Pentecostal
    LGBT affirming Oneness Pentecostals (Gay Apostolic Pentecostals) first began to organize in 1980 in Schenectady, New York. Such denominations today include the Affirming Pentecostal Church International, the Global Alliance of Affirming Apostolic Pentecostals and Reconciling Pentecostals International.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gay_Apostolic_Pentecostals

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Affirming_Pentecostal_Church_International

    http://myapci.xbuild.com/



    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Global_Alliance_of_Affirming_Apostolic_Pentecostals

    http://www.gaaap.net/



    http://www.gaaap.net/our-family-directory.html

    Need Prayer or Spiritual Support as you face the problems of life? Contact a GAAAP Minister Today.

    VanOrman, Jack
    jvanopro@aol.com
    Birmingham, AL

    http://www.gaybelievers.org/

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 21, 2012 2:45 AM GMT
    you want help but you don't want to go see a therapist? what else can anyone offer you here then?

    nothing in your situation is going to change unless you change something.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 21, 2012 2:46 AM GMT
    Therapy has nothing to do with being crazy.
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    Sep 21, 2012 2:49 AM GMT
    jprichva saidJamie.

    I sympathize, i really do. But this is like the 50th thread where you say the same thing over and over, and whenever someone offers constructive advice, like seeing a doctor about your depression, you wave them off.

    You don't really want help, I think.



    yes. just attention.


    1-800-273-8255
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 21, 2012 2:50 AM GMT
    Please. Plenty of people have seen counselors/therapists. There is really no stigma with it anymore. Toughen up and go see one. Don't tell your family and they will be none the wiser, so that problem will be solved.


    You might be surprised at what you can find by actually talking to someone who has seen your kinda problems before...
  • ParkerDLamb

    Posts: 129

    Sep 21, 2012 2:50 AM GMT
    BP201 saidSucicide rates are highest in the western world. All the super powers, full of prescription drugs and doctors telling kids that their is something wrong with them (mentally) and that they need drugs when they are FINE is very disgusting to me. This is why, when I was told I had ADHD, I never did a damn thing about it but lived with it and refused to take these drugs that were supposed to "help"

    Third world countries go through more strife and they (for the most part) aren't prescribed drugs and they learn to deal with it all and live for what they love. Meanwhile the wealthiest of people kill themselves, why?? This is what you should keep in mind. Your happiness isn't on a pedestal.
    A starving family in Ethiopia who don't any other way to live aren't thinking of ways to kill themselves. They are thinking of ways to survive and provide.

    You have a lot to live for. Stay positive.


    Very beautiful!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 21, 2012 2:51 AM GMT
    sky2.jpgJamie, you're probably the nicest guy on this whole site. You're kind, understanding and insightful. I can't imagine what you find in yourself to hate so much. Your mind is being poisoned by religion and the ignorance of those around you. You're much more than your surroundings. What good will you do for your dad if you're dead? Why not just leave and live your own life? Get out in the world so you can see how much there is waiting for you.